December 10, 2023
What's in the Box?
A perspective on trauma compartMENTALization vs processing while incarcerated. DOUGLAS V. JOHNSON, II
We stare down into the seemingly bottomless and packed "box" suppressed with our demons/issues/insecurities/trauma. Not getting overwhelmed can be a tremendous task in itself...it can definitely lead to some significant procrastination...a fear of stirring up old pain can cause us to put it off until later as we find something sweet to keep us occupied/distracted.
Unpacking this box alone is not recommended because things usually get worse, before they get better...unfortunately, in incarcerated settings, mental health resources/programs are severely limited/scarce. If we were in society we could get a dedicated counselor/therapist to help us unpack this box.
Prior to my incarceration, I ran from working on myself for so long, but now I only wish I had a professional to take me through the process of processing it all. I just poured Gin&Jen on the box and lit it on fire, only to wake up the next morning with it weighing heavily upon my chest...I stored that old beat-up & tattered box in the back of the garage. I got tired of seeing that worn-out, taped-up box, so I put it in the fu**!ing basement & then the attic.
But, sitting with me in solitary confinement, I was alone with the box for two consecutive years. Emotions intensified to the n'th degree. The first piece of advice I got from my Boss/Colleague/Mentor was "A counselor just helps you understand yourself better and will give you tools to cope with your issues... So now, it will be on you to gain a greater sense of self-awareness which includes acknowledging your pain & demons... Begin to WRITE and read, and keep WRITING and reading!"
Anyhow, the box gets lighter as we take our time to inventory its contents and acknowledge what's in there... then, one by one we take it apart to process it, and then put each item on the damn shelf as if it were a trophy, somehow turning it into a positive. Transforming the gruesome pain into greater purpose!!!...then, we decide when to take the next item out of the box.
As I now confidently look my shelf of sculptures in the eye, I feel tremendous clarity of my issues. I have now taken my POWER back from the box. As the box got lighter, I began to understand myself so much better. A fresh perspective and outlook on life. Something else also happened... my inability to concentrate began to dissipate and my reading comprehension and memory began to improve. I then realized the impact that my unprocessed trauma had on me over the years.
In our incarcerated settings, the lack of mental health services can exacerbate our mental health issues. Many of us turn to self-medicating our issues which worsens our situations. If we really want to honestly address our problems, we HAVE TO take the initiative to educate ourselves, better understand ourselves/issues, utilize any and all available resources, and invest in and cultivate our support systems. We CANNOT stop at "well, there are no mental health services." If we wait on DOC (regardless of the state) to provide more services without taking personal accountability & initiative, then we are wasting our 'time.'
With all of the reading/writing/self-reflection, my communications skills also significantly improved. All of these improvements have led to me making HEALTHIER life-altering decisions and helped ensure I was emotionally available for my family. Addressing our suppressed mental health issues requires extremely hard work when we are out there in a free society even with an abundant amount of resources (therapists/counselors, support groups, variety of medication, treatment methods, etc.). While incarcerated, we have to work infinitely harder if we want to grow and build. One advantage that we do have on this side of the wall is, our 'time' to get laser-focused on unpacking that box... Growth follows acknowledgement...
Humbly,
D.V. JOHNSON, II (DOUGLAS V. JOHNSON, II)