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YOU’VE GOT NAIL
June 20 2011
“Snip, snip, snip, click” then a long pause…I knew that he was thinking, “Oh, no, where did that last toenail clipping go”. A few seconds of contemplation then round two of the snipping commenced. I casually brushed my hand across the letter I was in the process of writing (to one of my pen pals) when I found the evidence…a small piece of toenail from my oblivious bunk mate. I flicked it underneath my bed and continued my letter writing adventure, one sentence at a time, cringing with wretched anticipation with each snip. Are some landing on my pillow? In my coffee cup? Should I speak up? And if so, how would one properly broach the topic of flying toenails? In the end I took a deep breath and swallowed my tongue. I reminded myself, as I frequently do, that I had much bigger problems to worry about (like my pregnant ex-wife, the Lakers being swept in the playoffs by Dallas or, most important, my pending appeal). In the grand scheme of things a toenail is just a toenail.
WARM BODY IN MY BED
February 26 2011
I’ve been sleeping alone for the past three years but awoke to quite a surprise the other night. There’s this old, grouchy guy who wears a diaper. He lives in the cell next to mine. Unbeknownst to me, the diaper guy has a sleepwalking affliction. At 3 a. m. I was sound asleep and the diaper guy walked into my cell, thinking it was his. An eyewitness told me the next day that he stared at my bed while sleepwalking, then dropped his pants and sat directly on my stomach. I immediately woke up, jumped up and said, “What the _?!”, to which diaper boy said, “Oh, sorry, sorry, I thought I was in my bed. I’ll go home”. Since then he’s been too embarrassed to look at me and I’ve had a bit of trouble sleeping, as in the back of my mind I fear being sat on again by a diaper wearing man. Perhaps sleeping alone isn’t so bad after all.
A HOLIDAY IN PRISON
November 23 2010
It’s the night before Halloween and I’m feeling sad. This will be my third Halloween in prison. Holidays in here always seem to bum me out. I remember, as a little kid, trick or treating in the neighborhood with my dad; then, as an older kid, with friends. I was a clown, E. T. and Dracula repeatedly. For some reason, in the 1980’s, it was cool to be Dracula. In college the entire city of Chico parties downtown. They blocked all traffic and it became this huge block party of drunken college students in ridiculous costumes. I was Saddam Hussein in 1992, before he became so hated. The next year I was Beavis and Butthead. My girlfriend wanted to get those Sumo wrestler costumes with a battery powered fan. I spent $200.00 on them and she refused to wear them. She worried it made her look fat. When I grew up I enjoyed staying home with my wife, ordering Chinese food, passing out candy, decorating the house with ugly creatures and spider webs and playing haunted house CDs. Heck, I even miss the trips to Target to buy the candy. Tomorrow will be just like every other day, except that I’m going to buy tons of candy bars from the vending machine and eat them while watching Poltergeist, uncut and commercial free, on my 13 inch TV. I might even give away candy to some fellow inmates. I sure do miss the way things used to be.