September 17, 2023
Part I: I've been thinking about identity lately, and realized that I have some work in finding out who I am, my truest self. What about when I am alone? Who am I? God had intent and purpose, so it's my duty to be intentional. The other day I spoke to my baby brother on the phone, and I told him (because he understands that I've endured circumstances that were violent), I said when I go, I want you to know more about me than the street stuff because he always repeated that I was born without emotions (little does he know). I'm a Leo, so I hide them very well. Anyways, I said, when you read my novels, if I were ever to die in here or there, I want you to remember that I was here. I know you say that you feel my love, but if you only knew what I would endure for your sake. I feel like I let so many people down, simply because they can't grasp my entire identity. I've always perceived envy and jealousy from friends and associates when I've told them my goals, my ambitions. Like as long as we're down here together, all is cool, but instead of being motivated, inspired, or happy for my success, something has changed in our embrace. It's always in the eyes; it never does reach their lips. Women just confide better. So, I've always been better at being open and encouraged therein. As long as they're down with you, they'll want you to succeed, even inspire you. But I am not a woman's labor. I know who I am not. I had to ask myself another question, "Who do you want to be?" (1) a father, (2) a producer, (3) successful, (4) entrepreneur, (5) a confidante ... This is where I can get lost, simply because none of these define who I am. So, I will keep searching. When they ask you who you are, what do you say?
Part II: Who am I? God's son and all that entails. The thing is, that is a genius identity I have to live up to. I've considered that it entails being sincere, genuine, and authentic, all of which I am. So when I acknowledge to myself, "you are sincerely flawed and we need to work on a lot," I just hope looking back I can authentically appreciate an intentional pause and reflection. It's difficult in prison to just miraculously alter one's character and habits, but I've been reflecting on where I need to start.
Dear future self - Do you know that you can be a snap case? Were you bipolar? What happened to the PTSD label? Were you depressed? I know that you want to be happy, did you find it in a woman? Why were you so hard on yourself? Remember T.R.S. - Thinking, Rationalization, Speaking? Are we still practicing? Have we become good at it? I knew that would develop character. Okay, but if only we are genuine about change and identity. See what I did there? Hey future self on some real stuff - I loved you more than I was able to express. I'm sorry. My favorite novel is "A Woman's Bible".
