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I'm sorry to everyone in my life I have ever disappointed. I have the most wonderful family and the world. They are supportive of me, love me, and want me to come home. Being in this place I have learned to appreciate others. When I was out, I sadly admit that I took others in my life for granted. I said and did things that I regret. I wish I would've treated my family better. I was going through so much. My family's divorce, an abusive boyfriend, self-esteem issues, etc.… I've made mistakes in my life that I cannot undo. Had I made better decisions, my friend E. would still be alive. His death was an accident, but it’s the terrible choices that I made that caused it. My parents are suffering as well. They’ve spent all these years without me. My nieces and nephew are growing up without me. They were born while I've been incarcerated. I worry about my dad because of his health. I just want to be home while he is still alive. I've lost an aunt while there. My grandpa just recently passed away. I can't bear to lose any more family while in here. But I keep messing up in here. Yes, I have received write ups. You don't understand the environment I have to live in. The women in here are petty, immature, users, thieves, followers, spiteful, full of drama, and can't be trusted. It's hard to stay out of trouble, not fight, or get caught up in such an environment. I have to stay in my room to myself just to get away from phony people who only want to take advantage of my kindness. I stay in my room and read, watch TV, do hobby craft, and my college work but it is so lonely. I feel like no one in here cares what I'm going through. That's why my mail means so much to me. As long as someone is writing to me, then I feel cared about. I will write back anyone who writes me. But it hurts so much when someone writes and gives up on me. I look forward to becoming someone's friend and then my hopes get crushed when the person stops writing. I NEED MAIL!! My biggest fear is being forgotten about. I need letters, visits, and people I can call collect. I need people that can print things from the Internet for me, people that will do Bible studies with me, people that will let me vent to them, and will encourage me. Most of all I need friends that will never give up on me. I am tired of always crying and feeling lonely. I hate having to race to sign up for the phone, or when others don't get off the phone in time, therefore shortening my own 15 minutes of phone time. I hate that all my loved one’s can’t even afford collect calls. I'm tired of the room raids, pat downs, yard downs, strip searches, violations of privacy, and a total lack of control I have as an inmate always being told what to do. I hate this place. I miss my family so much. I go to the parole board in December 2014. I am so scared because I do not know what will happen. I hear that lifers almost never receive parole on the first hearing plus, I have write ups in my C-file. I do have positive things as well, for example, my college degrees. I'm scared if I don't get good news the others will drop out of my life. It takes a lot of patience to stick by a lifer because the future is uncertain. But I need people in my life that will have that patience to continue to be in my life no matter what the outcome of my hearings are. Please pray for me. Please don't ever give up on me. Help ease the loneliness and pain I feel each day. Write me!
I’m in prison and could use some real friends to stand by me. I am very open to anyone at all. I’m young and have a big heart. I like to work out and play ball and I also love the “tell the difference” puzzles. Please take the time to get to know me.
With it going on 8 years in January since my sister died from alcohol abuse, I can’t help wondering if my being there would have changed anything? I used to be a drunk too, so I don’t think I’d of been a great influence on her. Some might say it’s just our way to be drunks, as natives. I won’t blame history for being the way I was before prison. I got that teaching from my dad. He was a drunk too. I can’t help wondering what my sister was running from, why did she follow our same path? I guess if I’d have looked at her life outside of the surface glances I gave it; it would be possible I’d not be in the dark now. I miss my sister so much still today. We did not grow up together, so I missed out on so much to begin with. It was only after our dad died that we came back into each other’s lives. Sometimes I want to cry for her but I don’t. This is prison; I can’t look weak in front of these guys. What a foolish world I live in. When I sit in the sweat lodge is the time I can show the pain I have for my sister. I pray she is in a better place and that I have the strength to be a better brother to my other sisters.
Life on the Inside
As I sit in this cold, unwanted cell, with no hope, or feeling of love, wondering how did my life even come to this, or how did this end up being me, or how did I end up being a part of this dark, lost, cold world? NEVER in life, or when I was a little kid, did I think me, myself, and I, would end up in a -- I don't even know what to call this place. This is a crazy, never-ending nightmare that I wish never started. They locked me up, caged me like a lion, and took me away from my family, from my loved ones, like I'm a monster, just terrorizing everything that crosses paths with me. I am wasting and throwing away my precious years in this dump, years that I will never get back. Not even money can buy my years back.
But I'm okay. I don't and am not going to let this break me down physically, mentally, or emotionally. Everyone alive goes through some type of struggle, or struggles, in this life. Everyone just happens to deal with them differently; in a way where one thinks that what we're doing is the right thing, by overcoming our pain and hurt, or, for some people, their fear or retaliation. But look what some of us get. Instead of feeling relief, or finding justice; nothing but prison time. So now a lot of people look at us like we are the worst people, good for nothing for all time, because we're in prison.
Let me say this to you, beautiful ladies, and everyone else who is reading this who is not a woman... I made mistakes, okay? I'm paying for them. Does that still gives people a right to look at me like I'm the lowest scum of the earth, because I'm in prison? Without people knowing me or even talking to me, judging me because of my mistakes. Whatever happened to "Only God can judge me?" Whatever happened with the real criminals; sex offenders, child molesters, rapists and serial killers? I'm not using that as an excuse. I'm talking reality.
I want to say this -- the same people that look or say the worst things about people who are locked up, with respect, look at yourself first. Look in the mirror and know yourself before talking bad about anybody else. Because of some of the same people that say this or that, probably did, or are doing, some bad things themselves. They just haven't been caught yet. Sometimes it takes people having to go through some or certain trials and tribulations in life, where are reality sets in, and where we say, okay; this is it. Time to choose a different route and go the right way in life. Or else some people keep living the same lifestyle, even me, then we're really not going to be nothing in life but failures.
That's where family and friends, close to that person that doesn't listen, or doesn't care to listen, or does not care, everyone around starts to leave, and detach themselves from that person. Because they're not going to let that person bring them down, and why try and help someone that can't or doesn't care about helping or bettering him or herself? Unless they're worth doing it for and a person really loves that person.
Some people learn the hard way and some the easy way, and some don't learn at all. I might be locked up, but they can never lock, or control, my mind, heart, or soul. I have nothing but time to think and realize what I did and what my life has been, and what I can make it to be, so I can progress and succeed in life.
My only reason for saying this, is to say this not everybody in here are as people think, or as people label us as. I am also saying this to speak out to the youth, and everybody living the fast life. Watch yourself. This isn't nothing nice you want to go through and experience. Life is too short and so valuable, to throw it away for nothing. Sometimes we are not fully aware or really fully conscious of our own inner being. We need to find ourselves all the way, fully, so we will not slip and fall in our own paths. We all make mistakes and no one or nobody in this world is perfect.
I say this -- always make the worst, bad situation, into the positive, best one. No matter what, try your best not to stress or be sad. Stay with a big, beautiful smile, put one on every woman's face, and keep a clear mind. You will think better, and if you react with a better attitude, you are going to have a better outcome, and circumstances are that you're going to progress, and be a stronger person. Nothing can get in your way, because nothing can break you down; physically, mentally, and emotionally. With time and patience, things are going to start and go your way. Be prepared for the worst and always hope for the best. Have faith in God and follow your heart to guide you to what is right; and also having faith, as well confidence, in yourself too.
A dream is not up in the sky, up in the stars. It's right there, in your HEART. All you have to do is look hard, believe, and find it. So do what you think, and what you feel, what is right for you. Do not let anyone at all dictate your pace, your footsteps. You only decide that, and always be, stand, and stay strong. This is your life, and you do what you want. We only got, or have, one life to live. So enjoy it and make the best of it.
I've seen a lot and been through a lot. I got another opportunity in life once again. I go home in the next year. If any of you beautiful ladies want knowledge, or want to write a real man, well I'll be right here, and I'm not the type to lie or play with a lady's intelligence.
MAY GOD WATCH OVER EVERYBODY AND YOUR FAMILY. TAKE CARE.
Age/race is not important.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
We were born to lose, but built win.
I feel such an intense loneliness in this place. I need people in my life that won't give up on me. I'm getting tired of people writing and forgetting about me. If you're not serious about getting to know me then don't write at all. I can't afford to be wasting stamps I don't have on others that don't write back. Anyone can donate $ to me at www.jpay.com.
Also, I talk about Facebook a lot because I have a prayer and support group. I need supportive people on there, not jealous people. I wish there was someone that can do internet searches and print things for me. Also, I collect pictures on postcards of nature, cities, and sunsets. I feel so out of touch in this place. Is there anyone in Southern California that can visit me on a regular basis, and let me call them collect? I don't get regular visits. My family visits a few times a year. My brother, sister, nieces and nephew rarely write. I can't even call them collect. I miss them so much.
Can anyone order me some books? I like books from www.wizards.com and www.dungeonsanddragons.com. I just need something to do to pass the time away because when I'm bored I think a lot. Then I think depressing things, like wondering if I'll ever go home or if my family will forget about me. Someone please write me nice long letters. I need some mail please! xoxo
MY FIRST BLOG - EVER!
I’m a blog virgin?! No seriously, I’ve never “done it” before. This is my first blog – ever! (winking smile) Yet despite my naiveté, I’m excited to share my intimate thoughts with you about meeting the right pen-pal. For me, there’s a bit of mystique associated with meeting people online. I wonder what they’ll look like, where they’re from, and what their interests are. My goal is to correspond with someone who has great conversation, is academically groomed, has a sense of humor, has specific life passions, is drug- and drama-free, and, most importantly, is an inwardly beautiful person. I want to make fantasy yield to reality. Is that too much to ask? Or should we always expect for movies to “exaggerate” true story relationships to make them more appealing? I don’t think so. I know that there are some relationships that “can” exceed the reaches of our imagination.
Together, we can create that rare friendship that surpasses fantasy. But to accomplish this, “you” have to first ask yourself: “Am I willing to forsake a potentially great pen-pal friendship with someone I never took a chance to get to know?” How absurd would that be? It’s time that we socially evolve and summon the gumption for adventure! Sample something new for once; take a chance and pursue friendship with an open mind and blind eye. Let the chips fall where they may. Remember: there can be no reward without risk. And that concludes my blog… for now.
Jacob J. Gamet
GETTING READY FOR THE PAROLE BOARD
I made a really big decision by signing a waiver to wave my parole hearing for 3 years. I want the Board to see that when I finally go to my parole hearing it’s because I am ready for parole. I need to get my own paid psyche evaluation and work on my parole plans. I really need everyone’s help. First, if there is anyone that is willing to send me books on self esteem, co-dependency, anger management, substance abuse and anything else that can help me deal with my emotions, I would appreciate it so much. You can order paper back books through www.amazon.com. I also need help with raising money for a psyche evaluation. Any funds can be sent directly to me at www.jpay.com. Since I owe restitution I will only receive 45% of the funds sent to me. I could really use help with being able to buy stamps or food at canteen but the main reason I need the funds is for the psyche report. I’m interested in finding sponsors to help me with my relapse prevention and anyone willing to help me on my journey towards my transition into society. I just want to better myself so that I can make the right choices in life and so I won’t make the same mistakes again. I miss my family so much and need to be home with them. If you can offer social support, or just friendship, it would mean a lot to me. Thank you, Nicole Bradley.
INCARCERATION IS LONELY
It hurts to get close to people in here because it seems that every time you get close to someone they disappear from your life. I am so lonely for friendships. People come in and out of here all the time yet I’m the one left behind since I’m the lifer. It’s hard to know who to trust. I reach out to others with the hopes that someone would care about me and I usually get hurt. Or, when I do form a close bond with someone in here, they go home. I don’t hear from them again. I wish that I could be home right now. Each day without my loved ones, another piece of me is torn from my heart. I feel so very lost and alone. Each day is a struggle for me. Will the Parole Board let me go home? Will I be home while my dad is still alive? Will my 2 nieces and 1 nephew ever get to know me? Will I ever be out there with my mom, sister, brother and everyone that I love? I’m so scared that I will be forgotten by others. I might have made mistakes in my life but I’m still human. I pay for the consequences daily for all my mistakes but I’m still someone deserving of love, forgiveness, second chances and understanding. I’m fighting for my freedom here but I feel so very drained by the sadness and loneliness I feel.