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I'm sorry to everyone in my life I have ever disappointed. I have the most wonderful family and the world. They are supportive of me, love me, and want me to come home. Being in this place I have learned to appreciate others. When I was out, I sadly admit that I took others in my life for granted. I said and did things that I regret. I wish I would've treated my family better. I was going through so much. My family's divorce, an abusive boyfriend, self-esteem issues, etc.… I've made mistakes in my life that I cannot undo. Had I made better decisions, my friend E. would still be alive. His death was an accident, but it’s the terrible choices that I made that caused it. My parents are suffering as well. They’ve spent all these years without me. My nieces and nephew are growing up without me. They were born while I've been incarcerated. I worry about my dad because of his health. I just want to be home while he is still alive. I've lost an aunt while there. My grandpa just recently passed away. I can't bear to lose any more family while in here. But I keep messing up in here. Yes, I have received write ups. You don't understand the environment I have to live in. The women in here are petty, immature, users, thieves, followers, spiteful, full of drama, and can't be trusted. It's hard to stay out of trouble, not fight, or get caught up in such an environment. I have to stay in my room to myself just to get away from phony people who only want to take advantage of my kindness. I stay in my room and read, watch TV, do hobby craft, and my college work but it is so lonely. I feel like no one in here cares what I'm going through. That's why my mail means so much to me. As long as someone is writing to me, then I feel cared about. I will write back anyone who writes me. But it hurts so much when someone writes and gives up on me. I look forward to becoming someone's friend and then my hopes get crushed when the person stops writing. I NEED MAIL!! My biggest fear is being forgotten about. I need letters, visits, and people I can call collect. I need people that can print things from the Internet for me, people that will do Bible studies with me, people that will let me vent to them, and will encourage me. Most of all I need friends that will never give up on me. I am tired of always crying and feeling lonely. I hate having to race to sign up for the phone, or when others don't get off the phone in time, therefore shortening my own 15 minutes of phone time. I hate that all my loved one’s can’t even afford collect calls. I'm tired of the room raids, pat downs, yard downs, strip searches, violations of privacy, and a total lack of control I have as an inmate always being told what to do. I hate this place. I miss my family so much. I go to the parole board in December 2014. I am so scared because I do not know what will happen. I hear that lifers almost never receive parole on the first hearing plus, I have write ups in my C-file. I do have positive things as well, for example, my college degrees. I'm scared if I don't get good news the others will drop out of my life. It takes a lot of patience to stick by a lifer because the future is uncertain. But I need people in my life that will have that patience to continue to be in my life no matter what the outcome of my hearings are. Please pray for me. Please don't ever give up on me. Help ease the loneliness and pain I feel each day. Write me!
I’m in prison and could use some real friends to stand by me. I am very open to anyone at all. I’m young and have a big heart. I like to work out and play ball and I also love the “tell the difference” puzzles. Please take the time to get to know me.
With it going on 8 years in January since my sister died from alcohol abuse, I can’t help wondering if my being there would have changed anything? I used to be a drunk too, so I don’t think I’d of been a great influence on her. Some might say it’s just our way to be drunks, as natives. I won’t blame history for being the way I was before prison. I got that teaching from my dad. He was a drunk too. I can’t help wondering what my sister was running from, why did she follow our same path? I guess if I’d have looked at her life outside of the surface glances I gave it; it would be possible I’d not be in the dark now. I miss my sister so much still today. We did not grow up together, so I missed out on so much to begin with. It was only after our dad died that we came back into each other’s lives. Sometimes I want to cry for her but I don’t. This is prison; I can’t look weak in front of these guys. What a foolish world I live in. When I sit in the sweat lodge is the time I can show the pain I have for my sister. I pray she is in a better place and that I have the strength to be a better brother to my other sisters.
I feel such an intense loneliness in this place. I need people in my life that won't give up on me. I'm getting tired of people writing and forgetting about me. If you're not serious about getting to know me then don't write at all. I can't afford to be wasting stamps I don't have on others that don't write back. Anyone can donate $ to me at www.jpay.com.
Also, I talk about Facebook a lot because I have a prayer and support group. I need supportive people on there, not jealous people. I wish there was someone that can do internet searches and print things for me. Also, I collect pictures on postcards of nature, cities, and sunsets. I feel so out of touch in this place. Is there anyone in Southern California that can visit me on a regular basis, and let me call them collect? I don't get regular visits. My family visits a few times a year. My brother, sister, nieces and nephew rarely write. I can't even call them collect. I miss them so much.
Can anyone order me some books? I like books from www.wizards.com and www.dungeonsanddragons.com. I just need something to do to pass the time away because when I'm bored I think a lot. Then I think depressing things, like wondering if I'll ever go home or if my family will forget about me. Someone please write me nice long letters. I need some mail please! xoxo
GETTING READY FOR THE PAROLE BOARD
I made a really big decision by signing a waiver to wave my parole hearing for 3 years. I want the Board to see that when I finally go to my parole hearing it’s because I am ready for parole. I need to get my own paid psyche evaluation and work on my parole plans. I really need everyone’s help. First, if there is anyone that is willing to send me books on self esteem, co-dependency, anger management, substance abuse and anything else that can help me deal with my emotions, I would appreciate it so much. You can order paper back books through www.amazon.com. I also need help with raising money for a psyche evaluation. Any funds can be sent directly to me at www.jpay.com. Since I owe restitution I will only receive 45% of the funds sent to me. I could really use help with being able to buy stamps or food at canteen but the main reason I need the funds is for the psyche report. I’m interested in finding sponsors to help me with my relapse prevention and anyone willing to help me on my journey towards my transition into society. I just want to better myself so that I can make the right choices in life and so I won’t make the same mistakes again. I miss my family so much and need to be home with them. If you can offer social support, or just friendship, it would mean a lot to me. Thank you, Nicole Bradley.
INCARCERATION IS LONELY
It hurts to get close to people in here because it seems that every time you get close to someone they disappear from your life. I am so lonely for friendships. People come in and out of here all the time yet I’m the one left behind since I’m the lifer. It’s hard to know who to trust. I reach out to others with the hopes that someone would care about me and I usually get hurt. Or, when I do form a close bond with someone in here, they go home. I don’t hear from them again. I wish that I could be home right now. Each day without my loved ones, another piece of me is torn from my heart. I feel so very lost and alone. Each day is a struggle for me. Will the Parole Board let me go home? Will I be home while my dad is still alive? Will my 2 nieces and 1 nephew ever get to know me? Will I ever be out there with my mom, sister, brother and everyone that I love? I’m so scared that I will be forgotten by others. I might have made mistakes in my life but I’m still human. I pay for the consequences daily for all my mistakes but I’m still someone deserving of love, forgiveness, second chances and understanding. I’m fighting for my freedom here but I feel so very drained by the sadness and loneliness I feel.