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Life on the Inside
As I sit in this cold, unwanted cell, with no hope, or feeling of love, wondering how did my life even come to this, or how did this end up being me, or how did I end up being a part of this dark, lost, cold world? NEVER in life, or when I was a little kid, did I think me, myself, and I, would end up in a -- I don't even know what to call this place. This is a crazy, never-ending nightmare that I wish never started. They locked me up, caged me like a lion, and took me away from my family, from my loved ones, like I'm a monster, just terrorizing everything that crosses paths with me. I am wasting and throwing away my precious years in this dump, years that I will never get back. Not even money can buy my years back.
But I'm okay. I don't and am not going to let this break me down physically, mentally, or emotionally. Everyone alive goes through some type of struggle, or struggles, in this life. Everyone just happens to deal with them differently; in a way where one thinks that what we're doing is the right thing, by overcoming our pain and hurt, or, for some people, their fear or retaliation. But look what some of us get. Instead of feeling relief, or finding justice; nothing but prison time. So now a lot of people look at us like we are the worst people, good for nothing for all time, because we're in prison.
Let me say this to you, beautiful ladies, and everyone else who is reading this who is not a woman... I made mistakes, okay? I'm paying for them. Does that still gives people a right to look at me like I'm the lowest scum of the earth, because I'm in prison? Without people knowing me or even talking to me, judging me because of my mistakes. Whatever happened to "Only God can judge me?" Whatever happened with the real criminals; sex offenders, child molesters, rapists and serial killers? I'm not using that as an excuse. I'm talking reality.
I want to say this -- the same people that look or say the worst things about people who are locked up, with respect, look at yourself first. Look in the mirror and know yourself before talking bad about anybody else. Because of some of the same people that say this or that, probably did, or are doing, some bad things themselves. They just haven't been caught yet. Sometimes it takes people having to go through some or certain trials and tribulations in life, where are reality sets in, and where we say, okay; this is it. Time to choose a different route and go the right way in life. Or else some people keep living the same lifestyle, even me, then we're really not going to be nothing in life but failures.
That's where family and friends, close to that person that doesn't listen, or doesn't care to listen, or does not care, everyone around starts to leave, and detach themselves from that person. Because they're not going to let that person bring them down, and why try and help someone that can't or doesn't care about helping or bettering him or herself? Unless they're worth doing it for and a person really loves that person.
Some people learn the hard way and some the easy way, and some don't learn at all. I might be locked up, but they can never lock, or control, my mind, heart, or soul. I have nothing but time to think and realize what I did and what my life has been, and what I can make it to be, so I can progress and succeed in life.
My only reason for saying this, is to say this not everybody in here are as people think, or as people label us as. I am also saying this to speak out to the youth, and everybody living the fast life. Watch yourself. This isn't nothing nice you want to go through and experience. Life is too short and so valuable, to throw it away for nothing. Sometimes we are not fully aware or really fully conscious of our own inner being. We need to find ourselves all the way, fully, so we will not slip and fall in our own paths. We all make mistakes and no one or nobody in this world is perfect.
I say this -- always make the worst, bad situation, into the positive, best one. No matter what, try your best not to stress or be sad. Stay with a big, beautiful smile, put one on every woman's face, and keep a clear mind. You will think better, and if you react with a better attitude, you are going to have a better outcome, and circumstances are that you're going to progress, and be a stronger person. Nothing can get in your way, because nothing can break you down; physically, mentally, and emotionally. With time and patience, things are going to start and go your way. Be prepared for the worst and always hope for the best. Have faith in God and follow your heart to guide you to what is right; and also having faith, as well confidence, in yourself too.
A dream is not up in the sky, up in the stars. It's right there, in your HEART. All you have to do is look hard, believe, and find it. So do what you think, and what you feel, what is right for you. Do not let anyone at all dictate your pace, your footsteps. You only decide that, and always be, stand, and stay strong. This is your life, and you do what you want. We only got, or have, one life to live. So enjoy it and make the best of it.
I've seen a lot and been through a lot. I got another opportunity in life once again. I go home in the next year. If any of you beautiful ladies want knowledge, or want to write a real man, well I'll be right here, and I'm not the type to lie or play with a lady's intelligence.
MAY GOD WATCH OVER EVERYBODY AND YOUR FAMILY. TAKE CARE.
Age/race is not important.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
We were born to lose, but built win.
I feel such an intense loneliness in this place. I need people in my life that won't give up on me. I'm getting tired of people writing and forgetting about me. If you're not serious about getting to know me then don't write at all. I can't afford to be wasting stamps I don't have on others that don't write back. Anyone can donate $ to me at www.jpay.com.
Also, I talk about Facebook a lot because I have a prayer and support group. I need supportive people on there, not jealous people. I wish there was someone that can do internet searches and print things for me. Also, I collect pictures on postcards of nature, cities, and sunsets. I feel so out of touch in this place. Is there anyone in Southern California that can visit me on a regular basis, and let me call them collect? I don't get regular visits. My family visits a few times a year. My brother, sister, nieces and nephew rarely write. I can't even call them collect. I miss them so much.
Can anyone order me some books? I like books from www.wizards.com and www.dungeonsanddragons.com. I just need something to do to pass the time away because when I'm bored I think a lot. Then I think depressing things, like wondering if I'll ever go home or if my family will forget about me. Someone please write me nice long letters. I need some mail please! xoxo
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
Hey everybody I just finished reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” and thought I'd check in and update you on the latest happenings. Last night, I got into an argument with a crazy person. Get this -- he said that the reason so many Americans are overweight is because more women are using the birth control pill and estrogen from the pill is being released from their urine, flushed down the toilet, and not filtered from our water stream. So we end up drinking estrogen, which turns our bodies to fat.
Well, a smarter inmate might have put on his headphones and ignored this lunatic, but I felt compelled to argue. Luckily after 10 minutes, the Stanley Cup Finals began -- go Kings-- and I had an excuse to politely tell crazy man to get lost. I believe he ended the argument with, “If you don't believe me look it up in the Bible,” which, coincidently, is how he ends all his arguments.
I've been watching tons of sports. The NBA Finals has been great, and provides a good excuse to snack. I also read a book called “Miles to Go,” which I enjoyed.
Another execution is coming up next month, which means another lockdown. Ugh. Well, the Boston vs. Miami game is about to start. I've got my Kool-Aid and tortilla chips ready to be consumed. Bye for now.
MY FIRST BLOG - EVER!
I’m a blog virgin?! No seriously, I’ve never “done it” before. This is my first blog – ever! (winking smile) Yet despite my naiveté, I’m excited to share my intimate thoughts with you about meeting the right pen-pal. For me, there’s a bit of mystique associated with meeting people online. I wonder what they’ll look like, where they’re from, and what their interests are. My goal is to correspond with someone who has great conversation, is academically groomed, has a sense of humor, has specific life passions, is drug- and drama-free, and, most importantly, is an inwardly beautiful person. I want to make fantasy yield to reality. Is that too much to ask? Or should we always expect for movies to “exaggerate” true story relationships to make them more appealing? I don’t think so. I know that there are some relationships that “can” exceed the reaches of our imagination.
Together, we can create that rare friendship that surpasses fantasy. But to accomplish this, “you” have to first ask yourself: “Am I willing to forsake a potentially great pen-pal friendship with someone I never took a chance to get to know?” How absurd would that be? It’s time that we socially evolve and summon the gumption for adventure! Sample something new for once; take a chance and pursue friendship with an open mind and blind eye. Let the chips fall where they may. Remember: there can be no reward without risk. And that concludes my blog… for now.
Jacob J. Gamet
GETTING READY FOR THE PAROLE BOARD
I made a really big decision by signing a waiver to wave my parole hearing for 3 years. I want the Board to see that when I finally go to my parole hearing it’s because I am ready for parole. I need to get my own paid psyche evaluation and work on my parole plans. I really need everyone’s help. First, if there is anyone that is willing to send me books on self esteem, co-dependency, anger management, substance abuse and anything else that can help me deal with my emotions, I would appreciate it so much. You can order paper back books through www.amazon.com. I also need help with raising money for a psyche evaluation. Any funds can be sent directly to me at www.jpay.com. Since I owe restitution I will only receive 45% of the funds sent to me. I could really use help with being able to buy stamps or food at canteen but the main reason I need the funds is for the psyche report. I’m interested in finding sponsors to help me with my relapse prevention and anyone willing to help me on my journey towards my transition into society. I just want to better myself so that I can make the right choices in life and so I won’t make the same mistakes again. I miss my family so much and need to be home with them. If you can offer social support, or just friendship, it would mean a lot to me. Thank you, Nicole Bradley.
It was a surreal day today, yet it felt routinely normal. This morning was the execution; the first in Idaho since 1987. To prevent us inmates from rioting in protest of the death penalty there was a statewide lockdown today. We were forced to stay on our bunk beds, except for brief bathroom breaks. Some offices insisted we weren’t allowed to brush our teeth. Others said we could brush, but only if we were directly in front of the sink and only between 8:30 am and 8:45 pm. We couldn’t shower – that was a given. Our ice and microwaves were taken away. Meals were delivered to our beds and the prison played several comedies for us on the internal movie channel (nothing lifts the somber mood of execution day like “Crazy, Stupid Love”). The nurse offered us all free flu shots too. Somehow the prospect of a (non-lethal) injection today didn’t appeal to me. it’s 11 pm and I just brushed my teeth. But let’s keep that between us, okay? Its business as usual tomorrow: Ice, microwaves, a shower, college football and an afternoon of poker with the usual cast of characters.
INCARCERATION IS LONELY
It hurts to get close to people in here because it seems that every time you get close to someone they disappear from your life. I am so lonely for friendships. People come in and out of here all the time yet I’m the one left behind since I’m the lifer. It’s hard to know who to trust. I reach out to others with the hopes that someone would care about me and I usually get hurt. Or, when I do form a close bond with someone in here, they go home. I don’t hear from them again. I wish that I could be home right now. Each day without my loved ones, another piece of me is torn from my heart. I feel so very lost and alone. Each day is a struggle for me. Will the Parole Board let me go home? Will I be home while my dad is still alive? Will my 2 nieces and 1 nephew ever get to know me? Will I ever be out there with my mom, sister, brother and everyone that I love? I’m so scared that I will be forgotten by others. I might have made mistakes in my life but I’m still human. I pay for the consequences daily for all my mistakes but I’m still someone deserving of love, forgiveness, second chances and understanding. I’m fighting for my freedom here but I feel so very drained by the sadness and loneliness I feel.
DREAMS AND PICTURE FRAMES
It’s almost midnight on Tuesday, June 28th. I’ve been waking up much earlier than usual all month to follow Casey Anthony’s trial on TV. I’m extra sleepy tonight so don’t expect a literary masterpiece. My mind is racing and I wanted to share my thoughts with you. First I had a nice dream last night but because of that dream all I’ve been able to think about, all day long, are women from my past. Short term flings, one night stands, long term relationships…I believe I’m like many women in that every time I’m with someone, be it for one night or ten years, I feel a strong emotional bond toward them and have a hard time forgetting them. Right now I have two of my former flings in picture frames on my shelf. Both were very casual relationships and both took place while I was married. But I’m staring at their pictures, missing them terribly, imagining what life could have been like with each of them. I want to see them again, kiss them, lie down next to them (or is it lie down?), but sadly my love life is confined to my dreams. Speaking of dreams, I watched the finale of The Voice tonight. Wow…this Frampton girl is unbelievably talented and so beautiful. I really hope she wins. Sadly I’ve depleted my 250 word allowance but I have many more exciting stories to share; really good stories. Wanna hear them? Guess you’ll have to write me!
YOU’VE GOT NAIL
“Snip, snip, snip, click” then a long pause…I knew that he was thinking, “Oh, no, where did that last toenail clipping go”. A few seconds of contemplation then round two of the snipping commenced. I casually brushed my hand across the letter I was in the process of writing (to one of my pen pals) when I found the evidence…a small piece of toenail from my oblivious bunk mate. I flicked it underneath my bed and continued my letter writing adventure, one sentence at a time, cringing with wretched anticipation with each snip. Are some landing on my pillow? In my coffee cup? Should I speak up? And if so, how would one properly broach the topic of flying toenails? In the end I took a deep breath and swallowed my tongue. I reminded myself, as I frequently do, that I had much bigger problems to worry about (like my pregnant ex-wife, the Lakers being swept in the playoffs by Dallas or, most important, my pending appeal). In the grand scheme of things a toenail is just a toenail.