I wake up in the middle of the night tormented by my fears of the future and regrets of my past. Although I know the Lord is with me, I still feel so lost and alone. I know that my sins have been forgiven, but the remorse is still unbearable, because I can't find forgiveness for myself.
I think back at who I was who I used to be and I'm ashamed of my selfish greed and arrogance. I sold drugs and I have no excuse. I helped destroy my community and left my children without a father. I no longer seek my validity in others' opinions, but I wish my community could accept me for who I've become and not expect me to be who I used to be.
At this point in my life, I feel so empty inside because I yearn for my other half, but she doesn't seem to exist. I've been let down and disappointed many times, but I refuse to allow the next to suffer for their mistakes and desperation. I can't say that I have trust issues, because I've come to learn that when you're living a shady life, you attract shady people.
I look into the mirror and I don't recognize the man looking back at me, but I'm proud of who I see. The scars, the slight wrinkles, and gray hairs sneaking up on me reminds me that the clock only turns in one direction and as that clock marches forward, so must I. I'm a soldier, but I no longer march to the beat of the streets. I am a soldier a love, a soldier of righteousness, a soldier of Christ. By his strips, I have been redeemed. Only God can judge me, and through Christ I've been found not guilty!