Although you’ve probably read quite a few profiles to get to muah, if those pics arent’ enough for you to read on then picture me with a wagging tail (the kind that knocks big glassware to the floor) with watery “Friend!” eyes, living in an animal shelter in need of some love…Exactly.
And now that you’re excitedly yelling “That one! I WANT that one!” to the animal shelter employee, I should probably give you some info about myself. No, being a dumba** doesn’t count, thanks:
I’m a total tree hugger and absolutely love nature/animals. Like, I will fight you if you tried to hurt/destroy either. They’ve got kids to feed and bills to pay too!
I’m a proud unapologetic atheist, secular humanist/Buddhist (meditation has saved my life) and most conspicuously a proficient F-upist. Why was that last one your favorite? Ouch, that hurts. Ouch.
Ardent supporter of democratic socialism that’s in conjunction with civil autonomy. Big on separation of church/state – Yup, I’m that, “You can’t put plastic baby Jesus there!”, “War on Xmas” dude. I have a drawing of the Grinch lovingly on my wall.
I’m not dogmatic in my beliefs, e.g. if tomorrow a peer reviewed study were to unequivocally prove that god(s) exist then I’d cease to be an atheist. But I’d still be an anti-theist for myriad reasons (where were you god(s)) when I prayed for a winning lottery ticket? To have a fluffy Ewok to cuddle with? What? Too busy officiating high school football games in Texas? Figures. America, f**k yeah!
I have 2 younger sisters: the youngest, admirably played the surrogate “little brother” at times and consequently – accidentally catching a baseball in her face, losing a baby tooth playing “ice hockey” on a frozen creek etc. The middle sister, 80% of the time, was the annoyed and mind-boggled audience to my preposterously weird nonsense (one man moshpit!? Hell yeah!). BOTH of whom were/are troopers and I’m very proud to be their brother. We are loved/cared for by the most courageous, resilient, loyal, supportive and funny mother and us kids owe her the (un)observable universe and Love her very much!
Alt-culture (I miss my Bizarre), tattoos (if possible, I’d be covered in ‘em), any kind of art that is dark, macabre. All of which (as well as below) inspire my original art ideas, imagination, my owning a nite-lite.
My #1 love – music. Huge fan of heavy metal and its myriad sub-genres. Some of my favorites: Meshugga, Tool, Panters, The Acacia Strain, Cattle Decapitation, Dying Fetus, Aborted, Beyonce…80’s hair-metal ballads (love bites, rockageddon it!).
I play drums for a couple bands here in the ASP music room, so I can forever pursue proverbial dumb-drummer perfection.
Who makes me laugh? Andy Samberg (HotRod? A must see), Key & Peele (Jordan and me are, like, on the same wavelength man), Kevin Hart, Kristen Wig, Jackass…So I love to laugh and make fun. I’m a sarcastic, pseudo-pompous A-hole type of humor guy. Did you just sigh in relief?
Alright, now that we’ve scratched the surface and now know I wasn’t born out of evil, black sludge as demon spawn, FYI I’m serving 2 life sentences for murder and believe me not 1 hour goes by that I don’t think of them and their families and how sorry/ashamed I am. If you are unable to suspend judgment because of this then I apologize for wasting your time. If you can, then I’m most grateful – it’s not easy to do, even for me.
Also, warning, you will daydream of me often. Hopefully the car you rear-end is an average car and not, e.g. a Bugatti!
Also, that look you make when you ponder about me pondering about you? It’s unequivocally an open invitation for people to fling stuff at your face…
Thank you for your time and for giving us bad dogs a chance to be human. Now all that’s left is to adopt me, get me my shots and…Neutered!? Damn you Bob Barker! Ha, J/K IDOC already did that for you at no cost!