As that reflect back on the times that I have shared with others it becomes clear that I was looking to gain approval. However, the reason that I now see why your approval was not met the way that it should have been, was because I never approved of myself. My happiness was in winning your approval, and once it was made, it was on to the next. It was never that I could not see how all worthwhile it would be to have you by my side. I just never felt that I was ever worth being at yours. My self-worth did not ever allow me the thought that I could get you by my side and then be able to keep you there. So I would begin to tear it apart just as the relationship was starting to grow into something. For years I have felt that I am broken beyond repair. I even began to believe that when others came into my life my brokenness would break them as well. It all seems so crazy as I would not go into things looking to hurt others, but to find acceptance with a chance of love. It’s sad that I can now see how much hurt I caused others, as I didn’t accept myself or for that matter love myself. Upon gaining the acceptance of love from others I would not stop and believe that I was worth the acceptance of love whatsoever. To ask for a chance to become a friend is to ask a great deal of you as well as myself. Through the help and understanding of self-defeating thoughts, codependent characteristics, and the truth of how powerless I had become with alcohol and other drugs. The AA program has given me a new light to view things from, and even the steps that I may find value within myself as I work them.
To the people that I have hurt due to my actions, I ask you to forgive yourselves for letting me into your lives. I’ve seen great value within you and wished it for myself. I do apologize for my actions.
Thank you for reading about who I feel I was. If you feel that you would like to give me a chance to know you, and even learn who I am at this point in my life, then I welcome your correspondence.