DO YOU WATCH TOO MUCH TV?
Whether your the kind of person who begins the day with the morning news, comes home from work in time for the evening news, and falls asleep to the gentle tones of the late news, or someone who tells time based on whether it is "Today", "Tonight", "Late", or "Late, Late", many of us have the concern that we might watch too much TV. But, do you watch TOO MUCH TV? Does your definition of "Must-See TV" extend to include a little too much? Answer the fifteen questions below to find out for sure. Unless you watch too much TV, in which case, you're not even paying attention to this right now.
1. During commercial breaks, you:
A) Run to the bathroom.
B) Make a phone call that lasts exactly two minutes and two seconds.
C) Ejaculate over the excitement of seeing those hilarious Old Navy ads with the old woman and the dog.
2. At your wedding, you insist the DJ play:
A)"Stand by Your Man".
B) The theme from "Bonanza".
C) The host for a hilarious lightning round of Hollywood Squares for which you built an entire set and booked the cast of Charles In Charge.
3. Your favorite game to play is:
A) Hide the Salami.
B) Family Feud (hosted by Richard Dawson -- not the short guy who hung himslf in a closet or the fat guy who molests little kids).
C) Counting the similarities between your dream journal and last week's TV Guide.
4. You use the term "appointment television" to refer to:
A) The time slot Small Wonder reruns air on the Super Station.
B) When you break your leg, instead of going to a physician, you turn to Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman for the cure, and Empty Nest for physical therapy.
C) How your television set is your psychiatrist, and it doesn't pass judgement.
5. Which was the best part of the birth of your first child?
A) Witnessing the miracle of life.
B) When you decided to name him Kojak.
C) The zany antics that ensued when you couldn't get your wife Lucy to the hospital without the assistance of upstairs neighbors Fred and Ethel Mertz.
6. Right before bed:
A) You check in with funnyman Craig Kilborn while he infects the world with bits like "Craig Looks at the Camera, Pretending to be Self-Loathing, When In Actuality, He Compulsively Masturbates to His Head Shot".
B) You curl up with your favorite book, TV Guide, so that you can plan out your entire next day.
C) The Marine Corps Marching Band arrives in your front yard to play "The Star-Spangled Banner" while you announce over a megaphone that this concludes your broadcast day.
7. When your wife asked for a divorce, you:
A) Opened a bottle of champagne.
B) Made it known that you would fight to the death over custody of your adopted son, Webster.
C) Declared the conversation "To Be Contiued..." and ran away.
8. Your idea of "deep thoughts" are:
A) Wondering why the Universe exists.
B) Wondering what happened to the guy who played Vinne DelPino on Doogie Howser, MD.
C)Wondering how Bob Newhart consistantly keeps up with the demands of being both a psychiatrist and an inn keeper.
9. You think your TV is:
A) A Sony.
B) The inspiration for the "talkin' 'bout my best friend" song that was the theme to The Courtship of Eddie's Father".
C) A living being that has evolved to the point where it has shed the unneccesary abilities to listen and love in favor of the ability to change its personality on demand to suit your fickle tastes.
10. Your relationship with your girlfriend:
A) Is mutually loving and supportive.
B) Is not nearly as intense as your relationship with Carson Daly.
C) Has suffered ever since you demanded that she refer to your sex organs as "Alvin and the Chipmunks."
11. To spice up your mundane life, you:
A) Buy a book on the art of auto-erotic asphyxiation.
B) Do a shot of tequila every time you see Boss Hogg on TNN.
C) Propose to Dixie Carter so you can expand your family by adopting her adorable red-headed son, Sam.
12. You were fired from your job because:
A) Your work suffered once you began your torrid love affair with grain alcohol.
B) You tried to organize an alliance to vote your boss out of the office.
C) Instead of preparing reports for clients, you would give them scripts of your favorite Jeffersons episodes, and demand that they act them out at your office.
13. The phrase "TV Dinner" refers to:
A) A delicious frozen treat that can be heated in mere minutes.
B) Two truly sacred activities that should never be combined.
C) Sculpting each item on your plate to look like a different cast member of Frasier. Niles is made of corn!
14. When someone mentions England, it immediately conjures up images of:
A) America's closest friend and ally, who supports us through thick and thin.
B) A sore loser, biding their time with false civility while hatching a mastermind plan to infiltrate our country with boredom.
C) Hell on Earth: a nation with only 4 TV Channels, one of which that apparently only shows "Are You Being Served?" and "Upstairs, Downstairs".
15. When asked to describe the greatest moment in Television history, you immediately think of:
A) The final episode of MASH.
B) The series premiere of AFTER MASH.
C) The invention of picture-in-a-picture, for the first time allowing you to watch Sports Center and the Spice Channel at the same time.
Add up all your points – A’s are worth 1, B’s are worth 2 and C’s are worth 3.
15-25 points: You do not watch much TV at all. To rectify this, watch NBC’s one-two punch of "Emeril" and "Three Sisters", ensuring that you will never watch TV again. Run away while you still can!
26-34 points: You might be a redneck. If reading that made you long for the days of "The Jeff Foxworthy Show", you probably watch too much TV. If you instinctively began playing Dixie on the banjo, you probably watch just the right amount of TV for your geographic area.
35-45 points: You definitely watch too much TV. In fact, the odds are pretty good that, as you read this, you have stapled your eyelids open, so as not to miss even one second of the entire Family Ties marathon on Nick-At-Nite