I know that my PP's love to get jokes in letters that i send them so I tought this may be a good place to share some jokes that we may want to pass on to our PP's....
THE LITTLE OLD LADY
A little old lady is walking along the road dragging two black dustbin bags behind her, one in each hand.
As she's walking along the road, every now and then a £10 note comes out of a hole in one of the bags.
A copper is standing on a corner as coppers used to and he notices this and says, "Hey lady you are loosing money out of that bag"
"Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back to see if I've lost any up the road"
"Well now, not so fast" says the cop, "How did you come by all that money, did you steal it?"
"Oh no", says the little old lady, "You see, my back garden backs on to the local football field and every time there's a home match, a lot of fans come to my bushes and get their thingies out and pee into my garden, so I stand behind a bush with a long pair of sharp shears and tell them £10 please or your thingy comes off"
The copper laughs and says, "You crafty Ol' Woman but good luck to you and Oh, before you go, what you got in the other black bag?"
"Well" said the little old lady, not all the buggers pay up"
************************************
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, thyroid
problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.
5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.
6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.
11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither
*********************************************
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
***************************************
Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
**************************************
WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:
YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES
YOU HAVE NO WORRIES ...
YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU...
YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN...
YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...
YOUR PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES...
SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE...
IN THE WRONG FREAKIN' HOUSE ! !
***************************************
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks!"
***************************************
A junior school teacher in Liverpool asked her pupils to use the
>word "fascinate" in a sentence.
>
>Mary put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and
>we all saw his pet sheep . It was fascinating."
>
>The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
>"fascinate, not fascinating".
>
>Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see the
>Blackpool Tower and I was fascinated."
>
>The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to
>use the word "fascinate."
>
>Little Alan O'Connor raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
>been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no
>way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
>
>Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
>tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
>
>The teacher sat down and cried.
**********************************
nO OFFENCE MEANT!!!!!!
Take Crae
Carol
X
Last post
good ones thanks for sharing
Ok, I have some, and for the sake of the forum, I'll put down the cleanest ones I know.
A father goes into a son's room and says, "Son if you keep masturbating, you'll go blind."
The son says, "I'm over here dad."
A guy is at a bar and gets so drunk he pukes on himself. He tells the bartender, "Ooohh boy, my wife is gonna be so mad when she finds out I got so drunk I puked on myself"
The bartender being an amiable sort, says, "Here's what ya do, take a 10 dollar bill, put it in your shirt pocket and tell your wife you were at a bar and some guy got sick on you. He felt so bad, he gave you 10 bucks to clean it."
The guy goes home, tells his wife the story, and he pulls the money out of his pocket. She looks at it and says, "This is a 20 dollar bill." The husband looks at her and says, "I forgot to tell you he crapped in my pants, too."
Ok, one more. @ old men are sitting in the park, one says to the other, "Oy, I'm so old I feel terrible." The other guy looks at him and says I bet I can tell you how old you are. Go ahead and stand up." The other old codger stands up. "Now turn around," the guy turns around. "Now drop your pants."
"Here in the park?"
"Just drop your pants." So the guy drops his pants. "Now pull your boxers down and bend over."
"But there's people around,..." he stammers. Well he pulls his pants down, and bends over.
"Now stick two fingers in your bum."
"WHAT?"
"Just stick two fingers in your bum."
He complies, and his friend says, "You're 95."
How'd you figure that out?"
"You told me yesterday," his friend says.
PMSL....good ones
LOL!! All very funny - my pp's will appreciate them. Thanks.
I have already copy and pasted them to send.....
This could be a great thread to us all me thinks......lol
TC
Carol
X
This is the site I use and my pps think the jokes I send are hilarious.
http://lotsofjokes.com/
PRISON vs work
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
thanks for sharing
Oh man! What a way to start the day. :-))
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.............
7. Feel better?
YOU KNOW YOU ARE STRESSED WHEN......
The sun is too loud.
You are missing several days from this week.
Trees begin to chase you.
You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
You wonder if brewing is *really* a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.
You can hear mimes.
Things become "very clear." Everything is "very clear, indeed."
You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
You and reality file for divorce.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
You can travel without moving.
Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the next day.
Laughter is indeed the best medicine
The old adage has been backed up by a recent study. Findings show that people with a good sense of humor and a propensity to laugh may be less likely to develop heart disease when compared to aggressive, antisocial personalities.
So go ahead, laugh and make others laugh.
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas".
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton!!!"
Beer Warnings
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer products:
1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Bumped for those who didn't see it first time around!
Many moons ago, pony and eagle walked up to coyote.
Pony said to coyote, "I am very mad at eagle. Will you yell at him for me?"
Coyote said to pony, "Why can you not yell yourself?"
And pony replied, "Because I am a little hoarse."
Two blondes are sitting on a bench, and one blonde asks the other; "which do you think is further away, the sun or florida?"
the second blonde responds; "duuuuh... can you see florida?"
IRISH GAS STATION
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit,Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was.
"Top of the morning' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap.
As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle,two tees fell out of his pocket.
"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin' em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they are for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.
"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph,"exclaimed the Irish attendant
"Those fellas at FORD think of everything!"
Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown."
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around!'"
These are good and I like to read all of them , I think that I will print these out and keep them.;