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Silas Sydenham

I know this has been raised many times before:

Beware of prisoners in Kentucky presenting as gay.

I encouraged three of my gay friends to write to prisoners. They all wrote to different individuals at the same prison. The responses they got were all virtually identical in content, and two of them were in the same handwriting. None had any reference to things my friends had said. All asked for assistance with the costs of postage.


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Jam3s

Ok so I have read a lot of the comments and then I found out that I am probably being scammed right now. Why is this not fraud? Why are people either not reporting it or why is the state not doing anything about it?

This person said that he is single, gay, etc... and then I find out that he had a kid just before he was locked up. Some other odd red flags that I have noticed is some of the comments like right away he kept saying, "I am feeling a connection", you should do 'this', etc. 

Also he asked me to send pics... I sent pics, I asked him to send a pic since their profile pics are all blurry and he said that they can't send pics. 

He has asked for stamps, add money to the phone account, asked me to send money, asked me to send money to others via cash app because he got in trouble and his commissary was suspended (I didn't do that), etc. He knew I have an ok job and after I sent money he said "well you make good money, why don't you send a thousand dollars" and so I asked what he would need that kind of money for in prison and he didn't say anything. Now after I have spent around $500 I am wondering if I am being scammed. 

 

 
Scottdavidpersonal

Thanks a lot for your kind reply and insights. The Marshall Project piece was very insightful - especially the ingenious / legitimate ways prisoners seek to make some money to get by.  Makes me more angry that this guy who proclaimed his love for me got thousands for doing F all.  He even had the cheek to messsge me tonight with more fantasy shit, pretending to be messaging his ex wife but sending it to me "in error), and proclaiming his love for his partner (me) to her, and saying to her that all the family dilemmas requiring money are coming between him and his lover (me).  Jeez I seriously think he is Fkd up to be adopting different persons! It was weird before when he wrote from other inmates' accounts!  I wouldn't be so shitty to say it's over - if he needs a friend to message I might consider that -  but I need to call him out over it and apart may e from weekly food I'm not making any payments to PayPal.  I also need to sleep on it too as he recently sent photos of his tattoos and what I saw alarmed me and don't sit well with any of my upbringing or beliefs. Let's just say they were extreme white supremacist pointing to a well known hate gang, which makes me again think he's been extorting me for deeper reasons.  All in all a sad state of affairs as I really did think he was genuine.  Clever manipulator it seems and I can't now sadly deduce fact from fiction.  Especially to have been communicating for so many years and everything changing in March.  Maybe I was groomed. Maybe it's drugs.  Maybe it's gang related.  I just don't know what to think anymore.  Thanks again for your moral support. 

 
ST4s

Hey Scottdavidpersonal, thank you for sharing this cautionary tale for others. I’ve heard that feelings and cash reliably intersect in Kentucky. And not that either need isn’t valid, but some people are takers who will push the envelope to its terminal limit. Good on you for putting your foot down on the cash part. Will the friendship survive your notice? Tough to say, but I was faced with something like this as well, though not in Kentucky, and can report that it did. Your mileage may vary. (I’m not one to kick a guy to the curb because they’re having money problems, but I’m not here to be anyone’s ATM either).

Rounding out the money thing, The Marshall Project ran a very interesting piece a week or two ago titled “Prison Money Diaries: What People Really Make (and Spend) Behind Bars.” It’s very informative reading. TL;DR – it ain’t always about drugs.

Re: prison gangs and gay men, I have it on good authority that while incarcerated LGBTQ+ men are not offered memberships in these organizations, this doesn’t necessarily equate to homophobia in general or an agenda to scam gay men on the outside – e.g. outmates get a pass, or at least I've been told that I do (typed the guy with several buds who are members) (some of whom are, in fact, highly closeted, because if word ever got out...)

I’ve found that orientation is and can be irrelevant. Because we’re all just people.

Best wishes

 

 
Scottdavidpersonal

Thanks so much for sharing your story and for inspiring me to do the same. So much of what I read in your comments resonates. He's never once mentioned drugs to me but deep down I'm hoping that's the case rather than ridiculing me as a gay man.  His alleged gang membership doesn't (it seems from reading) tolerate gays so I'll feel violated if this was all a set up to take me for money. Other warning signs is that he had access to other inmates emails, which worried me. Again I ignored all the signs and I am the fool. 

 
Scottdavidpersonal

I found myself ashamed to write but took comfort in what others said and felt I had to.  I've been a fool in not trusting my gut and for letting things spiral out of control. Worse because I'm a profession intelligent person who should have known better. But I went with my heart and let my guard down.  I wrote to two prisoners in Kentucky. One has just been paroled and rarely asked me for a thing over the 3 years we spoke. I keep in touch with him and I genuinely think he loved the contact and hearing about life outside. I am trying to remember this experience to offset the other.  The other is a prisoner jailed for life who I developed a real connection with. We spoke every day. Wrote around 6 messages a day. Exchanged photos, songs, intimate details of family, I even sent his parents flowers and small presents on their birthdays.  I did a truthfinder report on everything the told me about his family which matched up.  He is gorgeous and charming and I've let my heart etc rule me. He is not stereotypically bi and he is very muscular and so hot! He has a child. I believed he was bi and that it was difficult to be open both in Kentucky and in prison.  He wanted to marry me many times and I had to tell him to slow down! We planned on visiting in October. We have been corresponding since 2019. First two years were me giving Christmas presents (JPay credits) and giving him stamps. 2021 it moved into media debit time for his tablet and I order icare decent food every week at around fifty dollars a time. Then March this year there were so many stories about him getting into fights and needing to pay an aide to avoid the hole. Or my messages infringing JPay policy and him needing to pay an aide - again through PayPal - to avoid hole time. Then his child needing money. I don't want to write what I've sent to PayPal since January this year as you'll all be flabbergasted. I've been a fool. Each time I knew the story seemed circumspect but (yes, I know...!) I told him this would be the last. But it wouldn't be. Each time I said one more because I didn't want him going to the hole and not seeing him in October as planned. I have been a huge fool as I've only tonight realised someone can't have all that bad luck. I feel a fool.  What makes it worse as I've only realised he is allegedly part of a gang and I can't work out if I have been targeted as a hate set up because I'm gay or whether he saw me as a soft target or if there are drugs (although I convinced myself it's impossible for drugs to get in because visitors are now behind a glass screen due to Covid?).  I genuinely gave him love and support and hope from the goodness of my heart. I knew he would never be released and I wanted to give him support and hope. I even offered to get him an attorney to help be moved closer home to his child. I've made the hard decision to tell him tonight that I can't continue if he expects money. I feel like I've lost a best friend but I'm so devastated that I feel I've been played. I genuinely thought someone would want the love and support and nice things I gave like food and stamps and media, as well as all the time we wrote and laughed on the phone and shared photos of my pets etc, but it seems they wanted more.  I'm embarrassed to say how much I've sent to PayPal which is another worry. He told me it was a family member managing it for him to pay the aide and add money to his canteen account etc. I just hope I've not been financing something sinister.  I wanted to share this and no doubt you all think I've been a mug. But I needed to tell my story in the hope that others see warning signs. I seriously think there is some plot going on in Kentucky prison.  Not all are like that, as I found out with the other I wrote to, but I'm angry I was so naive.  Take care x

 
Romalotti6

@ST4s, Thanks for the recommendation. I will definitely check that book out. And while I am very happy with my life now, there was a period back in November/December 2020 when things were very dark and hopeless, before I ended things in January of this year. I never want to go back to that place again. I keep thinking 'If I'd just told him from the start that I can't afford to give him any money, maybe we'd still be together and this whole mess wouldn't have happened'. I just trusted him too much and I wanted to help so much. My advice to anyone writing to an incarcerated pen pal (whether or not they are romantically involved with him) is that it's ok if you want to help out a LITTLE with money, but don't ever use Cashapp, Venmo, PayPal, or anything of the sort. Putting money on their canteen is okay, but sending out $200 a week or more to other inmates' families for 'coffee' or 'a new blanket' is NOT. I never thought he would lie to me like that and the sad thing is I knew for a long time that he was lying to me but I kept giving him the money so he wouldn't get in trouble in there for owing money to dealers. I wish I'd taken my own advice one year ago. 

 

 

 
ST4s

Hey Romalotti, good to see you back here but sorry to hear of the negative developments (and happy to hear of the good ones).

If you’re open to the idea, there’s an excellent book out there (recommended by none other than Kirsten herself) that I’ve sent to three buds who are battling addiction. The feedback I got was, well, the best one was if my bud were stranded on a desert island and could only have five things, this book would be one of them. It’s available from amazon, but the best deal is from the publisher, who mails these out to prisoners nationwide:

Houses of Healing: a Prisoner’s Guide to Inner Power and Freedom by Robin Casarjian, available from The Lionheart Foundation.

It covers a whole lot more than just addiction too.

Best wishes

 

 
Romalotti6

Hey, I was just browsing this site for the first time in a long time and saw your post. How's it going? I'm doing well. The last few times I posted on here were back in the summer of 2020. My incarcerated boyfriend had been caught with drugs and I was beside myself trying to figure out how to help him. Well here's a quick update on what happened: 

He got put into the hole twice last summer/early autumn for drug possession. That's two months total in solitary confinement. While he was in the hole, I wrote letters to him every single day to try and support him any get him to change his ways. When he finally got out of solitary in October 2020, he went right back to drugs. He had no problem lying to me and using MY money to finance his habit. I couldn't believe he was doing this because we used to have the most beautiful relationship and I honestly believed in him for a very long time. In January of this year, I broke things off with him. I needed someone in my life who was looking out for ME (as I did with him). I realize that drug addiction changes a person but I gave him many chances to turn things around and he just never did. He had no problem spending MY last dime on drugs and I couldn't be with someone who didn't care if I welt hungry or was living on the street, as long as he had his drugs. 

I still correspond with him but only as a friend. Not long after we broke up, he got himself clean but I wouldn't take him back. He apologized profusely for his actions last year but for me, the emotional damage had been done. I am currently in a relationship with a non-incarcerated man and I'm very happy. I know that my ex-bf was not simply using me for money  BUT I believe that as a lifelong drug addict, he doesn't know how NOT to use the people he loves. His parole was denied (because of the drugs) and now he has to wait until 2023 for the next chance at parole. I think that he still thinks he has a chance with me when he gets out (we still write to each other on JPay multiple times each day and occasionally talk on the phone) but I will not return to that relationship. The person you are with should be able to sacrifice for you and unfortunately, he is like a child when it comes to things like that -- he doesn't know the first thing about sacrifice and looking out for someone you love. It's very sad because I still believe he can be an amazing person if he just learns a few important lessons. But anyway, I'm very happy with my life now and I'm still trying to make a difference in his life.

 

 

 
csTalking41

While in Africa overseas, I decided to also write inmates.  I was new to the experience and in Dec-2017, I wrote 45 individuals most by JPay and some by letters or Coorilinks thinking they would all have to write back by letters.  All stating they were gay or bi except for one guy that I accidentally wrote that was straight and his lesbian best friend hit me up because he saw my name before I removed him.  We remain friends, today.

Most of the individuals, possibly 35+ or even 40 responded.  Which I was completely unexpecting.  I always supplied a return JPAY stamp which I think is pivotal in the process of replies.

I didn’t let anyone talk about Sex…  It wasn’t something that was on the table.  Instead, they talked about things they had going on around them, questions about what they want to do when they got out, and ambitions in life.

I am still chatting with about 7 of the individuals today.  Many got out of prison only to do drugs and find themselves back in trouble.  I didn’t maintain those friendships.  Most individuals stated they were gay but were not let me know overtime when we talked about politics, religion, future, or lives.  I just wanted to chat with penpals who were open-minded.  Then again almost all still wanted to maintain a connection to the outside world.  Yes, some were just out for money or needs (clothing/junk food).  But I couldn’t imagine living off of $25/month or less.

 
Kimbo80

Well yall should be real skeltic my ex i had been worn him 3.5 yrs, hes been scamming gay men for yrs, at GRCC his names Donovan, horrible person!! Lied to me and numerous men for money now has a bf there that has HIV and is still lieing to me!! His boyfriend most certainly is telling ne tge truth!

 
Ledgy

I've been writing someone too in Kentucky. He seems so Genuine. Now all these comments are scaring me lol even wondering are some of us writing to same people geeeeeeez. 

 

 

 
Romalotti6

@VioletGrey Actually Newton's sentence doesn't expire until 2037, although he is up for parole next year. I'm not sure if he will get it or not but I'm gonna try like hell to alle sure he does. As far as our recent issues go, he did 'slip up' in there for a little while and admitted this to me. He profusely apologized for getting off track and insists that he intends to walk the straight and narrow when he gets out. It's really difficult to imagine what it's like for him in there, over three years incarcerated now. I don't expect him to be perfect all the time. If I can mess up out here, I can't be angry if he messes up in there. No real harm was done and I admire him for admitting his shortcomings. I never lost faith in him along the way.  

 
VioletGrey

Good to hear from you Roma, I know it's a little bit odd of me to ask, but you follow along on the threads and your posts reminded me a lot of how it was falling for my PP. 

As for the transition from honeymoon to real life, I feel you on that because I was there about 5 years ago. If I remember correctly, Newton has quite a lot of time left on his sentence, 10 years plus? My PPs sentence still has 45 years on it, so the time is a little bit different but it's still a long time regardless. I think I barrelled into my PPs life like a charging bull, caught him off guard and disrupted everything he had built up around himself. Then I used my naive "never been in prison" mindset to try and persuade him that straight and narrow was how he should play it. But they're the ones that live in prison. They're the ones that have to live day to day life in there: eat the food, sleep on hard beds, be confined and fold what to do every waking hour of the day. It's easy for us to say that they should do things a certain way, because we live out here where mostly just answer to ourselves. I think I understand my PPs perspective a little bit better now, 5 years on, and from a few of our recent letters. I was asking a lot, and I didn't understand the prison consequences of what I was asking. It's literally a whole 'nother world in prison; a dog eat dog world. So when I was asking my PP to stop his hustles (gambling, tattooing etc.) it was also asking him to give up hope on lawyers for appeals, it was asking him to reduce his chances to get time off his sentence without that money to pay for lawyers, it was asking him to become more vunerable in a fragile & hostile environment. I was asking a whole lot that I understood at the time. I can understand the concern on this side of it to, being the partner on the outside. I understand you don't want more trouble for them or to get extra time added to their sentence, or to put themselves in harms way for high risk and low reward. It's a hard balance to pull off. (One that I couldn't do 4 years ago, and my PP and I are no longer romantically involved, but we've just started talking again after nearly 4 years and I'm hoping we'll be friends with my own mind being open to whatever might happen.) But I can empathise about what it's like to be in that situation. Remember too, that there are intricacies that he can't put in letters or calls (that are monitored) and you might be missing a few vital pieces of the puzzle. If he had a year or two left, maybe three and you had the same concerns, I'd be a little less optimistic about his desire to change. However, I think he has more than a few years to go and that amount of time on the straight and narrow would be maybe more taxing on him as a person that you can maybe imagine? I know that when I talk to my PP that his state of being is more about survival than it is about living and authentic law-abiding life behind bars. I try to look at it like, at the end of the day he's gotta do what he's gotta do. And my part of that is just to accept what I can't control and support him in the ways that I can. Which does still include me stating sometimes that I don't think that that's such a flash idea... but also not reprimanding him about said not so flash idea. 
I'll be an ear if you ever need to vent or talk it out with someone. I feel I wouldn't have f**ked up so badly if I had talked with some other MWI people on here about prison relationships and how to deal with obstacles that the prison/free world relationship dynamic faces. 

:) 

 

 
Romalotti6

@VioletGrey Hey! Things are going ok with us. Although I've recently had to deal with some hard truths about him as we move forward. I love him more than anything but sometimes I wonder if he has it in him to truly make changes when he gets out so he doesn't end up right back in prison like has happened to him so many times before. Well, I should say that I KNOW he has it in him but I worry that he doesn't realize how hard it is to make real changes in his life. I mean, he's never even held a real job in his life for very long. Sometimes he makes comments that make me wonder if he really does plan on walking the line after he is released. We have a long way to go but I believe in him. Let's just say that I realized this is all going to be much more difficult than I initially thought. I guess you could say that we are out of the honeymoon phase and into the real life stuff. But we love each other very much and I will not give up on him. The best things in life never come easy. 

 
Kirsten

@Cambriaguy: No, I've never had any issues with them so far.
 

 
VioletGrey

Hi Cambriaguy, how are your pen pals going? Are you still writing anyone or have they dropped off? 
 

Also, Romalotti if you're out there - how are things going with you and Newton? 

 
Kirsten

It does, Cambriaguy, it does!

 
Kirsten

@NYBoy: I'm with Romalotti (and Jujay) on that one. Reading the profile I didn't see anything that would set off my alarm bells. Why doubt anyone before he gives you a reason to do so? If you want to avoid that Kentucky gay scam at any call, then you'll have to avoid Kentucky inmates altogether (which I'd probably do if I was gay and searched for genuine male contacts). But then again... hey... you might also miss someone who's really gay, genuine and worth the writing, so... why not being careful and trust until you've got a reason not to do so?

 
Kirsten

@Cambriaguy:

[QUOTE]Are you sure about PA?[/QUOTE]

Having a penpal in a PA state prison since April 2018, yes, I am.

 
Romalotti6

I really hope that my letters to Newton aren't photocopied. He's at EKCC. The main reason I like sending him letters is that he will have something personal to me. Oh actually I just remembered...they gone my actual letters to him in there. I sprayed some of my cologne on one and he got it. But yeah, I know exactly what you mean about feeling uncomfortable about my letters being read. Newton and o are very open about our sexual histories and we have similar...'interests' in that area. I want to write him and tell him about incidents in my past but I feel very uncomfortable knowing that the prison staff will be reading about my past sex life, so I am reticent to send anything like that to him. I feel like JPay is safer in that regard. They only read JPay emails if there is a 'trigger word' in there. 
 

No Jpay and no phones at your inmate's prison? Damn, I'd lose my mind if that happened to me. There was a period of a couple of days when the phone didn't work and one day, both JPay AND the phones were down at EKCC and honestly, it was difficult to get through the day without speaking to him. 

 
Romalotti6

I don't believe they have shut down all mail. Newton asked about mail last night and was told they can still send and receive mail through the postal service. 

 
Jujay2014

I looked up that Facebook page you mentioned and they accused me of being a scammer myself cause my fb profile is not active anymore as it used to be. Seem so like if people run a page that lives of scammers, they become paranoid that everyone else is a scammer too. 

 
Romalotti6

There are FB groups dedicated to exposing pen pal scammers. You could always check those groups out and see if his name is on there. And him suggesting JPay doesn't mean he's trying to scam you. It's just a lot easier to get to know someone through JPay. When you make a new friend or prospective romantic partner, do you exchange phone numbers so you can text them or do you say 'Hey let's write each other letters and send them in the mail!'? 
 

My advice: If he seems genuine and hasn't waved any red flags that he is scamming you, then trust him and believe what he says...until he gives you a reason not to. You don't want to let skepticism and mistrust ruin what could potentially be a great friendship. 

 
newyorkboy

@Jujay2014 I was more asking people who have had previous contact with him. I received a letter back requesting I join JPAY. It seemed like a considerate letter. Just wondering if he has proven to be a scammer while writing anyone else??

 
Jujay2014

@newyorkboy by his profile alone I don’t think he’s scamming anyone. Is there an indicator of some sort on his profile that he’s a scammer? Maybe I don’t see it. What makes you say that he’s a scammer? 

 
newyorkboy

Hello I have a question about a particular inmate I have begun writing. I just want to know your thoughts on this individual: #290943. Is he attempting to scam those who are writing letters? I cannot tell. Thanks for any help or details you can provide!!! 

 
ST4s

Re: Pennsylvania State facilities: there were incidents a while back where incoming mail was tainted with chemicals (contraband/drugs) and several mail room staff had to be hospitalized. Since then, all mail to PA State prisoners goes to a service bureau in Florida, where it is scanned, destroyed, and then emailed/printed/distributed to the prisoners in PA.

If you search for inmates in Florida and see a return address that says “Smart Communication/PADOC, St. Petersburg” they’re really in Pennsylvania.

 
Kirsten

Remove PA from the list.

They do photocopy letters, but many facilities have GTL/connectnetwork as well. PA doesn't actively hinder incarcerated ppl from having penpals.

 
VioletGrey

Yes, it was such an intriguing experiment writing to that many prisoners, and I was wondering if you'd received anymore replies. I was expecting a few more than 11/50. That's good that there are still a few which haven't asked for anything yet! 3 isn't a bad number of pen pals, depending on how much time you have to write. 
Yes, please keep us updated, I'm curious to see how it turns out, and of course, hope that out of those 50 that there is a pen pal in there for you! 

 
VioletGrey

How're your new pen pals going Cambriaguy? I'm kinda needing an update after reading all the posts... curious how things are going now it's March :)

 
jtrimble919

I appreciate you doing the math on KY!

Are there some states where the pen pal sites aren't allowed?

When I first came across this site, I dismissed the KY oddity and told myself that regulations/restrictions were the most likely reason for the skew. Fortunately, I procrastinated and then checked out the forum before diving in.

It seriously sucks that a few guys have caused backlash/static that's deterred people from making what could become positive connections for inmates.

 
Romalotti6

I don't think that just because a man does meth means that he is probably bisexual. These two inmates advertised as straight but then told you they were bisexual. It's more likely that they heard that you are gay and then they just said they were bi because...well if they're scamming you, being bisexual is going to help their cause. 
 

My boyfriend advertised that he was bisexual but recently he has told me he's pretty sure he's completely gay. I told him that he didn't have to say that to placate me but he insisted that he was in denial for many years. It isn't easy growing up gay in Kentucky. His circle of friends didn't have room for a gay dude. He said that he used to have sex with women with his eyes closed and imagine he was having sex with a man. I believe him because he's been nothing but honest with me so far. And he knows that I don't care if he's gay or bi. I even told him long ago that I wouldn't care if he wanted to have sex with a woman every once in a while because I'm not one for making people bend to my wishes. I just want him to be the best person he can be and be happy in every way. But he insisted that he is done with girls and even told his ex-wife that he was gay. Her response was 'yeah I already knew that'. 

 
Romalotti6

He will get out next spring, assuming he gets parole. I'm aware that it's going to be difficult for us but I have faith that we will get through it together. 

 
sophienhunter

I wasn't meaning for the comment to be directed at any person on this thread.. it's just best to not get involved with "gay" inmates in Kentucky. They can and may be gay inside (gay for the stay) or gay when they leave.. but I've waited for someone to come home before.. they say how good they're going to do and chances are they mean it.. but life happens. Most were locked up while using drugs and most say they aren't using inside but when they come home it becomes evident they are still using. Add that to the fact of the scams and knowing how generous gay men are compared to women. People aren't different when they come home but things come to light you'd never imagined. Someone can love you but still not be emotionally mature. 
how long do you have to wait on him getting out? Just be ready and know it won't go as you planned, no matter how much you love each other and that's not special for gay or straight couples. You face the same problems.  Doesn't mean it can't or won't work at all.  

 
Romalotti6

Out of seven, I'd say that 3 or 4 will write you back. I would think that they all would write you back since they already responded to you once, but I'm realizing that's not the case. I got that first letter from that Texas inmate and I responded to him a few weeks ago and I haven't gotten a letter yet. He seemed very enthusiastic in his first letter so it's weird that he didn't respond. Probably for the best in my situation. Newton would probably NOT like me writing him another inmate. 

 
Romalotti6

The only times I've ever gotten paranoid about my relationship is when I come on sites like this one or Prison Talk and read all of these horror stories. But Newton is the real deal and I never once felt like he has done anything shady or dishonest. I realize I'm taking a huge risk and that so much could happen. I admit I'm nervous about what will happen when he gets released. I feel like it's not gonna be easy but I truly believe I was meant to find him and I have absolute faith in us. 
 

As far as that dude in isolation who asked you for $500 in the first letter...yeah that's a pretty shitty thing to do. Newton never asked me for a dime. I did buy him Christmas presents and since then, I bought him a keyboard and I regularly send him canteen money on a weekly basis, but that is all stuff that I chose to do for him, he never asked for it. If I were you, I just wouldn't write back to the guy. Especially since it seems like you have a few decent inmates willing to write you. He's a hardened criminal, he can deal with not getting a response from you. 

 
Romalotti6

My boyfriend in prison said that he has to convince his fellow inmates that he isn't running a scam on me and that he really loves me. They ask him 'how may other dudes are you writing to?' And they didn't believe him at first when he told them he was being sincere and I am the only one. Then he said after talking to him for a while, they were like 'oh damnnnn you really love this guy, don't you?'. The potential for being conned is very real and evident. I just got really fucking lucky. I tried to protect my heart in the beginning, but it was difficult because it never felt like a scam at all, he was so damn genuine. I'm not an idiot either and I can tell when someone is playing me. So I always had it in the back of my mind. But I've since left those worries behind. I've even recently convinced him that it's ok for him to ask me for money sometimes and I'm not going to think anything of it. If you're in a real relationship, you're a team, and that's what we are now. 

 
sophienhunter

This is 100% true. Most inmates with ads straight or gay in Kentucky are scamming. My man is locked up and I know of so many who have multiple men they write to and are running game on. A friend of mine who I met through my boyfriend has been spending thousands on his supposed man. I can't tell you how frustrated at him. It's a great way to make money for them. Please guard your hearts and trust your gut. A lot of men may be gay or bi but they won't even live as gay men when they get out. 

 
Romalotti6

I do feel really lucky. Both Newton and I have said that we believe there was a higher power leading us to each other, and I never even believed in that stuff before. I was very skeptical in the beginning though. Even as I found myself becoming unusually attached to him, I was convinced that he was trying to run a scam on me. He was saying stuff like 'I'm starting to feel some kind of way about you' and your probably think it's crazy but I have love for you'. I wasn't even positive that he really liked men. Until I got to see his FB messages and dating profile. He hasn't asked me for anything but I have bought him things, just because I wanted to. Actually you know, he did ask for something but it was after I told him that he doesn't have to feel weird about asking. And even then, he tried to pay me back but I refused to accept his money. 
 

If things between me and him didn't work out, I'd never write to another prison pen pal...ever  I still get paranoid that he's going to change his mind once he gets out or that he won't be able to stay away from criminal activity while he's on parole. He's lived that lifestyle for so long, it may be hard to break away. I know thai relationship isn't going to be easy but there's no way I can back away now  

 

 
Romalotti6

The funny thing is that in Newton's original ad, he just mentioned that he wanted someone to talk to and he mentioned JPay and stuff. There was no romantic or sexual angle. Part of the reason I wrote to him (besides the fact that he looked cute) was because I thought his as seemed hastily written and that he wouldn't get many responses. It was like he just wrote it in three minutes. Weird that I responded because I'm a writer and I usually am drawn to things that are more literate. That's why I truly believe that some sort of higher power led me to him. I never had a desire to write to an inmate before and I spent three hours browsing ads before I set up a JPay account specifivally so I could write to him. It's just so random but if I haven't written to him, my life would be totally different now. It's scary how much randomness can affect our lives, good or bad. 
 

And yeah, Kentucky is not a very progressive state. Newton said that he spent much of his life having sex with women and he'd close his eyes and imagine that he was having sex with a guy. Because in that 'country boy' lifestyle he had, you just couldn't be gay. It just didn't happen. It's sad. I was only in Kentucky once. I was visiting a friend in Cincinnati who went to school at Eastern Kentucky University, and I spent the day on campus with him. But that really didn't give me a good view of how the state is. 

 
Romalotti6

Also, I just realized that we have totally taken over this thread haha. I wish there was a way to direct message on here and I could just talk to you that way. Although I'm sure our conversation would be of interest to others who are writing prison pen pals or falling for their prison pen pals or whatever. There's a little something in here for everyone, I guess. 

 
Romalotti6

Well that's easy, just don't write back to him if you don't want to. Video conferences? I wish they had that in Newton's prison. But yeah Fast sounds really eager to talk and you've already said that you're not interested in JPay. I'm sure he's not waiting by the mailbox for your letter so I guess just pretend like you never got it? Some of these inmates are really forward, too much so. I convinced a friend to write to an inmate. He contacted the inmate through a site called Getting Out. All he did was write an introductory letter. Then a day later, he checked for notifications on Getting Out and saw that the inmate had written him back twice AND tried to call him through the Getting Out app. As well as asking if he was top or bottom and saying how he's hoping that their friendship develops into a relationship. That's a little too much for the first communication between them. 
 

In Newton's first response to me, he did ask me about what I liked to do sexually and disclosed some info on his sexual history that probably would have had most guys running for the hills. However, I like freaks and 'strange' people haha. Newton's very open and honest admissions made me feel comfortable to share some stories about my own life and as a result, he knows more deeply personal things about me than some of my friends who I've known for years. It was that kind of thing where you're really open with someone you meet online and you think 'oh I can tell them about this because it's not like I'm ever going to meet them or anything'. So that started our 'Always Be Open and Honest' rule. We already know the 'worst' things about each other so there's no need for us to hold back in the future. 
 

Seriously though, just don't respond to Fast if you don't feel comfortable. I can't see the benefit of writing him and telling him that he's not what you're looking for. I feel like he is just playing you with the 'you're the first guy I like and I've gotten over 20 letters'. Plus the switch from bi to gay is a little suspicious too. 

 
Romalotti6

Oh damn, they're not gonna allow letters? That seems unreasonable. How much can you write on a postcard? They really do treat people in jail like lower class citizens. It's bad enough that they try to charge ridiculous rates for phone calls. I just found out that in Kentucky, they won't allow letters written with anything other than blue ink (fortunately I just happen to only use blue ink or else the three letters I sent to Newton would have been returned to me). I don't understand the reasoning behind this. 
 

Hopefully you will get more than just one response from your 50 letters. I still can't believe you sent out 50 letters, I wouldn't have been able to write that many at once, it would have felt like a homework assignment haha. Newton told me that if he ever gets put in the hole, he and I can only communicate through snail mail and I hope that never happens because then it will feel like I'm being punished or something. I live for his JPay emails every day. 

 
Romalotti6

That's great news! He's probably just an open-minded person. Some people are, some people aren't. I don't think there's anything that 'makes' somebody that way. Well maybe you'll finally have a decent pen pal now. I'm sure that most of them are nice in the beginning though. 

 
Romalotti6

What kind of work do you do where they would try to fire you for who you talk to in your spare time? I can understand your frustration with writing to pen pals, considering your experiences. There are a lot of inmates just out for money. Newton has told me about the kinds of scams he sees being run around him every day in prison. Prison is not really a good place to find honest, trustworthy people. I realize how incredibly lucky I got right off the bat. But I've always kind of had a good sense about people. Still, I believe that fate or whatever you call it had a hamd in my situation. 
 

Maybe you should expand your search to inmates outside of Ohio and Kentucky. If you're only looking for a pen pal, I don't see why you wouldn't look to other states. I realize that you woukd like to visit one in jail someday. But if you see lucky enough to meet a genuine, interesting inmate, woukd it be that much of a hardship to travel across the country to visit? I was only looking for a pen pal when I started writing. I had no intention of visiting anyone unless maybe I made a really good friend who was special to me, and I didn't expect that to happen.  I don't see why the ability to visit is holding you back from writing to other states. Especially when it really IS a possibility anyway. 

 
Romalotti6

It cost $68 for a 22 minute call? We can only talk in 15 minute intervals but it's about $4 for 15 minutes. It ducks but it's not completely insane. And yeah, everyone at my wok and all of my friends know about my relationship with Newton and a lot of them are very skeptical about the whole thing. They don't understand how I can be in love with a guy I've never met, who I've talked to for two months, and who has a detailed criminal background. My workplace would not fire me for it though, I'm not sure why they would care what I do in my spare time. My parents -- they would flip out if they knew I was dating a convict. My parents do not know about Newton. When the time comes for him to move here after parole, I'm just going to make up a story about how we met. As far as my parents will know, he's just a guy I met from a town an hour away. A lot of my friends had the perspective of 'yeah I realize this inmate helped you realize you were in a shitty relationship and I can understand you ending things with your current boyfriend, but you're not really gonna date this convict, are you?' I would say that although there is lots of skepticism from others, generally they don't care because they see how happy I am. 

 
Romalotti6

It cost $68 for a 22 minute call? We can only talk in 15 minute intervals but it's about $4 for 15 minutes. It ducks but it's not completely insane. And yeah, everyone at my wok and all of my friends know about my relationship with Newton and a lot of them are very skeptical about the whole thing. They don't understand how I can be in love with a guy I've never met, who I've talked to for two months, and who has a detailed criminal background. My workplace would not fire me for it though, I'm not sure why they would care what I do in my spare time. My parents -- they would flip out if they knew I was dating a convict. My parents do not know about Newton. When the time comes for him to move here after parole, I'm just going to make up a story about how we met. As far as my parents will know, he's just a guy I met from a town an hour away. A lot of my friends had the perspective of 'yeah I realize this inmate helped you realize you were in a shitty relationship and I can understand you ending things with your current boyfriend, but you're not really gonna date this convict, are you?' I would say that although there is lots of skepticism from others, generally they don't care because they see how happy I am. 

 
Romalotti6

Yeah I'm madly in love with him. More so than I've ever been with anyone. How do I know if we haven't physically spent time together? Because we talk all the time and write all the time. Because I think he's extremely attractive and he thinks the same about me. Because I care about him like he's a member of my family. Because I just know. Like you just kind of know when you're in love with anyone. It sounds crazy and if anyone were telling this story to me, I'd say they had lost their mind. I am 100 percent sure that I'm completely in love with him. For comparison, I once dated a guy long distance (three hours away), and we said 'I love you' over the phone the week before we met in person. I was with him for 4 and a half years and I really did love him. When it's right, it's right and this feels more right than anything I've ever done in my life. 
 

Thats a sad story about that guy you were seeing. It's weird that he would get so jealous and decide to break off the entire friendship. But he had a long sentence, maybe prison messed him up over the years. I'm not worried about Newton getting jealous. He knows that was a big issue with my ex and how I feel about such things. He has expressed very mild jealousy so far, which I think is cute and normal. But he knows that I would never get near another man. He said 'I know you wouldn't mess up this great thing we got going here'. And he's right. And I trust him too. Anything less woukd be the beginning of the end for us because all we have to go on is each other's word. Early on, we promised to always be completely honest with each other. It's kind of our thing -- 'I will love you no matter what and I won't lie to you'. It's worked so far. I'm sure that at some point, we are bound to have issues of some sort but I truly believe we have what it takes to get through this tough time together. 
 

I'm sorry about your past inmate relationship situation. It's tough. It would kill me if Newton suddenly backed away, but I know that won't happen because that's not who he is. I suppose that anything is possible but I have a feeling we won't have any major hurdles until he comes home. 
 

As far as the Texas guy, I'm not offended at all. He never said he was gay to begin with. I think 'been there, done that' means that he probably got oral at a party or something once. Or maybe had a threesome with a girl and a guy, who knows? I've 'been there, done that' with females but that doesn't mean anything offensive to heterosexuals. It just means that yeah, I've had sex with a woman. 

 

 

 
Romalotti6

That's weird that he stopped talking to you not long after the visit. You didn't send each other pictures before you met up? I doubt he ended things because he thought you weren't good-looking enough. If your profile pic is you, you seem to be attractive enough. How much more time did he have to do before he got released? Lots of inmates cut off their pen pals shortly before release, especially if there's a romantic angle involved. Kind of like they just needed someone to pass the time with while they were inside but now that freedom beckons, they don't need that anymore. It sucks but it happens. I'm not worried about that with Newton. I was in the beginning but our relationship has deepened so much since then. I feel very secure with him on that level. 

If the Texas dude writes back, I'm going to tell Newton and see what he thinks. If he tells me not to write him, I won't. Newton is in the process of removing his Write A Prisoner profile because as he wrote to them, 'I met the man I'm madly in love with'. I would not want him to be writing to anyone else. He has gotten some Jpays singe we met but he always tells me about them and he doesn't respond OR he responds by saying 'thank you for writing but I have a boyfriend'. So the least I can do is return the sentiment by not writing the Texas guy if that's what he wants. 
 

The Texas inmate seems to be not gay anyway. When I told him I was gay, his response was 'been there, done that'. He was previously married to a woman and I think he's just one of those guys who might have messed around with dudes in the past but is predominantly straight. He's attractive as hell but yeah, I have no romantic interest in him or anyone else for that matter.   

 

 

 
Romalotti6

I have spent a decent amount of money already on stamps and mostly on phone calls. It's hard for me to get through my day without our daily phone call (or two phone calls if I'm off work that day). I don't feel bad about the money because he has done so much for my life. When I met him, I was in a bad relationship and he helped me realize what I was missing out on. Since ending my previous relationship, I feel like I have a whole new lease on life. I am not being 'controlled' by someone else and made to feel guilty for having dreams and aspirations. Even if things ended tomorrow between me and my inmate, I'd be thankful to him for basically giving me my life back. The fact that I have an awesome new boyfriend on top of that is just icing on the cake. So in my eyes, you can't put a price on your freedom, and money I've spent on communicating is just that -- money. Some pieces of paper that I give away abc in return, I feel loved and respected and alive. 
 

I hope you're able to find a pen pal for yourself. I feel like I missed out on the 'I'm gonna see what it's like to be friends with an inmate' thing I was initially going for. Because it turned very quickly from a pen pal friendship to a deep, meaningful romantic connection. So it became something else for me and now I almost have to remind myself that I met him through the pen pal site because it feels like I've known him all my life. I'd try writing to other inmates but I'd almost feel like I was cheating if I did that. Still, I will respond to the guy from Texas if he ever writes me a second letter. I don't want to be rude and just drop him because it's 'inconvenient' for me now. That's not the kind of person I am.