MUST BE 18 OR OLDER - MUST READ TERMS OF SERVICE

Many inmates need housing when they come home. If you would be willing to help someone locate a residence upon exiting prison, please visit Inmate Housing Profiles.

Got Jokes?

12 posts / 0 new
Last post
darthhomercles
darthhomercles's picture
Got Jokes?

Hello!

I did a search and didn't find a topic on this already. I have the idea of creating a joke thread for us to share some funny (or even groan inducing) jokes. I send jokes to a couple of my pen pals and they love them. One of them makes me promise to send them with every letter. Ha ha. I initially started "Mike's Joke Corner" because I felt I didn't have a lot to say in the beginning of the correspondence, but now I have plenty to say but they still enjoy the jokes. I'll post a few that I've sent so far and I think it'd be neat if other people could contribute! And maybe you can start your own "Joke Corner." :yup:

1. It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

2. A woman wants a facelift and her surgeon tells her about a new procedure. "We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob." "That sounds good," she says.

Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that the dial is giving her bags under her eyes. "I'm sorry," replies the surgeon, "but those aren't bags -- those are your breasts." "Oh," says the woman. "Well that explains the goatee."

3. A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened. The man says, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye!” “Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asks. “Well,” the man says, “I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in!”

4. After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live. His wife tearfully says, “Honey, I’m going to give you a night you’ll never forget.” They make passionate love with an ardor they haven’t felt in years. When they’re done, Bob asks his wife, “Can we do it again?” This time it’s even more passionate.

Later, as she is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, “Honey, I know it’s getting late, but I think we can do it one more time.” “That’s easy for you to say,” she complains. “YOU don’t have to get up in the morning!”

Edited by: darthhomercles on May 2 2016 - 7:46pm Reason: Imported from old database.
whitediamonds
whitediamonds's picture

British Humor.

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--BillyConnolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

gooddog
gooddog's picture

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!

Yes, yes, yes.

DanPal
DanPal's picture

This is a good idea :) I'll definitely use some of yours.

Here's one I sent before:
''An old woman was driving down the highway at 35mph when a highway patrol officer pulled her over. He asked the woman if she knew why he pulled her over. She said "I have no clue, officer. I was obeying the speed limit..." The officer then replied with "Ma'am, you were traveling far too slow to be driving in the highway." The woman, with a confused look on her face then pointed to a sign up ahead and said, "But officer, that sign says the speed limit is 35! I had to have been obeying the speed limit!" The officer turned to see the sign that marked what highway they were on, highway 35. He then turned around, and looked at the women's friend, sitting in the back, eyes as big as silver dollars, he asked the woman in the back what was wrong. She replied quietly with "We just got off of highway 160."''

DanPal
DanPal's picture

And another one... I don't know if you've heard it before, but someone is bound not to have :)

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.

DanPal
DanPal's picture

I often print out cartoon jokes too; such as this one:
[ATTACH=CONFIG]5663[/ATTACH]

or this one [ATTACH=CONFIG]5664[/ATTACH] :)

Aurora
Aurora's picture

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!

A Driver For Hire
A Driver For Hire's picture

I do a lot of these in my magazine-style letters. This one got a really good response.

===========

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork, and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why. I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now . . .

darthhomercles
darthhomercles's picture

And another one... I don't know if you've heard it before, but someone is bound not to have :)

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.

I had to read it twice before I got it, but that's pretty good! haha

darthhomercles
darthhomercles's picture

I saw this on Facebook today:

21 BEST ONE-LINER JOKES

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

4. I, for one, like Roman numerals.

5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

13. My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.

19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

20. Whiteboards are remarkable.

21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Karyatids
Karyatids's picture

 

 

I have just a couple of silly ones 

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.

How many tickles can a little squid take? Ten-tickles (tentacles).

What do you use to buy your coffee in space? Starbucks

Knock knock

who's there?

Hutch

hutch who?

Bless you! I hope you didn't catch a cold!

Why do whales swim in salt water?Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

What did the dad buffalo say when his kid left for college? Bison.

 

RabbiForeskinstein
RabbiForeskinstein's picture
My PP likes cheetah print, so i knew she'd enjoy these:   Why can't a cheetah play hide-and-seek?   Because he's always spotted.   What is Tiger Woods changing his name to?   Lion Cheetah.