Skip to main content

Must read Terms of Service & Privacy Policy and be at least 18

Must read Terms of Service & Privacy Policy and be at least 18

 
LotusBlossom

I have an issue that has formed with pen pals needing a lot of approval.  I worry I’ve encouraged this behavior, I’m a human, and not afraid to admit I make mistakes too.  It’s gotten to a point where it’s exhausting and I had to recently put my foot down and say I needed a little space from time to time.  While they weren’t guilt tripping me for not replying to everything, as they have asked a lot of questions, it just starts to pile up, as do requests for things (nothing serious, I’ve never been asked for money or anything like that - it’s other stuff.).  I’m fairly open and enjoy doing things, but I have busy days too and can only do so much.  I find myself enjoying doing those things when I can, but the “I NEED YOUR APPROVAL” gets to be too much, and I’m not sure that’s completely healthy for anyone.  I’d never consider quitting pen paling, but any tips on helping my pen pals and I to be on equal footing for more relaxed conversations?

 
LotusBlossom

The emotional energy *

 
LotusBlossom

Thank you @Kirsten.  It sort of escalated and he was sending 6 letters and 3 messages a day thanking me for being his friend and how great I was, with “please write back I am getting nervous”, “did I do something wrong, tell me if I offend you” type of post scripts and it was getting very smothering.  I wrote to him and said I would like to write once a week, and no more than that, and I am not looking to control my pen pals, I enjoy discussing hobbies and activities but it is hard to have to emotional energy to offer non-stop reassurance.  We agreed once a week letters, no more.  The fawning over me and begging has stopped, whew.  I was unsure at how to react to it and I was afraid perhaps I had caused it.

 
Kirsten

Looking forward to getting mail isn't being codependent.

On the contrary, reading your last response I guess you've got a good head on your shoulders that'll keep an alarm bell ringing.

To just give you some more info : https://steverosephd.com/the-need-to-be-needed/ 

 
LotusBlossom

@Ck19x, thank you, I did look that up and could see some of that in my friendships.  It was helpful!

@Kirsten, thank you for helping me put it into perspective, I think I was concerned the “co-dependency” part that was “co” on my end was looking forward to getting mail and enjoying myself but I definitely didn’t feel any need to save anyone or like being a hero for a person would make me feel good, quite the contrary, someone asking for it made me feel the opposite.  Plus the person was making it an uneven playing field as in “you’re so much better and smart and etc. than me so I need you to hold my hand through everything and fix my pain and tell me I’m doing good” that I started feeling so uncomfortable.  I think it felt very unnatural for me.  So perhaps I misunderstood the idea of co-dependency. 

I told him I needed some space for a bit and I’d like to keep writing with this pen pal but on healthier terms and I think “less would be more” for the both of us, if that makes sense.  

 
Kirsten

Needing a lot of approval isn't necessarily the same as being co-dependent, Lotus. Co-dependency it would only be if you needed it to be needed. The kind of a saviour complex.

Some guys scream for it in their ad. I remember when I searched for a new pp after my 1st one was released on parole, I stumbled upon one where the guy had not only figuratively invisibly written a big, fat neon -yellow "LONELY" over his profile, but who literally spoke of "saving", not meant in a religious sense. The whole profile screamed: "Save me!" Needless to say I didn't reply and from what I see, others didn't either, as he's still on the "needs mail" list.

But co-dependency it would only be if the one "helping", "saving" or whatever you may call it needs to be doing this for her/his own self-esteem, too.

It's a bit of a tricky dynamic, as it keeps both parties needy, busy and captured. Can feel pretty cozy in the beginning, but the price is high. And it always clashes/implodes in the end, either because the one who gets helped decides to grow and stand on his/her own feet (which leaves the savior angry, often labeling the other one as "ungrateful, after everything I'd done for him/her") or the "savior" getting overwhelmed, tired, sick or (heaven forbid!) having a weak moment and need sth. from the other person him/-herself. This often causes the "saved one" to turn away and find the next savior, leaving the helper rubbing his/her eyes in astonishment and looking with a look of sheer disbelief at the cloud of dust the other one is leaving behind. "But I thought we were friends/lovers, etc." goes the song then.  And the "savedand running" one saying sth. like: "But s/he let me down." when all that has happened was that the helper couldn't go and met up the requirements any more and just needed a break for her/-himself.

So, needing a lot of approval for sure shows a lack of self-esteem and maybe also a fear of abandonment, but whether it becomes a codependency or not is a question of whether you need to be needed or not. (Which also is a strategy of getting social approval sometimes, as caring for another one IS socially approved, especially if you're female).

 
Ck19x

Hi, although I have no real advice - what your describing sounds alot like Transactional Analysis to include Ego State. It's just a theory or anylasis on how we interact with each other. These are both covered under human psychology but wouldn't be heavy reading. It's a nice topic (I think) as it applies to all relationships regardless of dynamics so can be useful in all situations. Might be worth a read for you & and you would possibly get a better of understanding of how to approach the situation both personally & for your PP too.