Do You Feel A Responsibility To Write To An Inmate To Explain Why You're Ending The Relationship?

I think it would be the nice thing to do to let someone know you won't be writing them anymore. But if it's a toss up between not writing and the horrible response you had in mind, I would say not to write her back at all. Not sure why you feel the need to be so mean, but maybe that's just my perception.

If it was me, I would confront her with the obvious lie about her age and say that my idea of friendship is that it shouldn't be based on lies and that's why you've decided this is going to be your last letter to her. 

I would write her and let her know "thank you, but I'm not interested."

I used to write a guy in California for about 3 months, but ended things with him in January. Still haven't heard back so I assume he's okay with it. LOL - my point is, it's not as scary as it seems.

I would write her a farewell letter, after all, you did respond to her initially, so it seems like the right thing to do. No one likes being ghosted. 

Wow I wouldn’t be that harsh she might not be what she lead you to believe but maybe she had reasons or already feels kinda down on herself that’s why she lied, despite what she’s done or where she is she’s still a person, I agree if your gonna bring up those points I wouldn’t write her at all, 

Wow, all I can say is you're a dick. Do you honestly think you are some sort of catch for these women? The fact that you are that shallow, and have some sort of fantasy going on in your mind about "hot, fit" incarcerated women makes me think you are deeply disturbed. You're doing her a favor by backing away, and I feel bad for any woman that ends up becoming your pen-pal.

Are you serious?! Honestly, what you posted is the stupidest shit thing I've ever read in my whole life! This woman has it lucky if you don't her write anymore. No one deserves to live with an fool like you!

Things sure have changed.

Before the internet and people feeling entitled, relationship therapists always stress that things be brought up and talked about.

Nowadays people believe it's all right to be deceitful and lie but it's NOT all right to bring up those issues because it's hurtful.  And if you do bring up issues you're a dick.

You're not a dick to bring up issues, you're a dick if you go about it in such a rude manner.  Just write a simple letter that you no longer wish to correspond with her and be done with it.  No need to insult her in the process as well.  

I’m sure a relationship therapists would ask you to be respectful to the other persons feelings above all surely?  But I’ve never had to use one so guess I wouldn’t know. A little common decency for her feelings might be nice it does cost anything. 

It seems to me that if you didn't write back or if you wrote, "I'm not interested" it would be the same thing.  So I wouldn't write back.

If you wrote to her and brought up those issues I would do it more politely, as mentioned by several others.

There are trolls on this site who go to posts they are not interested in - just to harass the poster.  They usually sound angry and call the poster names.  Just because someone calls you a name doesn't mean you have to go to their level and use their language.

If you already responded positively to her first letter then it’s better to send a follow up saying you decided against it. Maybe don’t tell her the reasons that you posted here though, as they were pretty brutal :)

Here:

"I did some further thinking about this and we are not a match in terms of the physical or emotional connections we are both looking for. I think it would be best if we part ways at this point. I mean you no ill will, all the best in searching for what you're looking for in your life."

I'm no troll, but I'm certainly not going to hold back nor mince words when I find someone being incredibly demeaning to a woman because she doesn't meet his "age requirements" "nor body size" just to be his pen-pal. 

Maybe she lost weight since her arrest, it’s not like every single guy or girl looks like their pictures 100% of the time, not everyone has beautiful handwriting, sometimes friends can be kind of flirty.  IMO, people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

We’re here to brighten someone’s day and help with the process of rehabilitation.  If you want to judge people based on frivolous things, there’s a website called a Tinder, for people who are chronically single.  For a reason.

@Northernyank

You come across as a troll.  You enter the forum and call people names who you don't agree with.

Grow up.

I feel like there are more fights in these forums lately, than inside the prisons our penpals reside in Haha Be kind people.

@David92506 - You don't have to write her back.  Penpal correspondence initiated in trades or selling of an address often doesn't end well anyway.  If you do write her back saying that you're not interested - please be kind and polite about it.  It doesn't automatically mean you have to be an asshole about it.   This might be a good case for: If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

So what? An inmate was being dishonest or witholding information.  Shock, horror! Haha Just shrug your shoulders, smile and move on from it all.  No need to judge this person - she has already stood before a judge and is doing her sentence.

@northernyank I don’t think you came across as a troll you have always been understanding and you were just defending someone who wasn’t there to defend their self. @anthena your right I never look the same in pictures and people do change I know my guy spends a lot of time working out. 

@Northernyank People are allowed to like or dislike people for any reason they feel like. They don't have to choose the reason that keeps them happy. They also should not be lied to just to save your grace of not saying what you feel just because it may upset them. I find people who don't say what they mean spineless and I would rather know that you dislike me because I'm fat and ugly... And if someone said that to me I'd probably laugh at them and move on with my life.

People need closure, so if she's looking forward to hearing from you, I think the right thing to do is write her a last latter. You don't have lay out all the supercial reasons you're dumping her as a pen pal, but you can at least politely say that you didn't like the inconsistences in what she's told you so she at least knows why you're stopping contact. End it on an uplifting note and be nice. 

As for the address thing, I hope you used a PO Box. This is exactly why I opened one so I don't have to worry about my actual address being shared or passed around. If I ever need to end a pen pal friendship, I would write that I'm closing my PO Box to deter them from writing again. 

Isn’t the point that, from what David posted, it seems like she’s trying to deceive him? I wouldn’t want to write to someone who straight up lies in their first/second letter either, but that’s just me.

As for the age thing, there’s young women who choose to write to older men, so what’s the difference? 

Also, it seems like it’s totally fine for women to stop writing to a man when he says something that creeps her out, but not the other way round?

Could he have worded what he said better? Probably. But the points remain the same. 

Prisoners (male and female) can be deceitful, and there's nothing wrong with speaking your mind, but as the others said, you can do so in a polite way; without being harsh.

Ghosting someone is unfriendly, impolite and hurtful, so everyone deserves a "goodbye and good luck!" letter - that's just a matter of manners.

Oh and btw, to everyone ever having called me blunt: David's post consists a bluntness I'd never have used.

I don't think you've ever been blunt Kirsten... Whether or not people think I'm insensitive.... Perhaps its the fact that German people have a particular way of thinking about the world that is quite different from other western nations.

Is it weird that being ghosted or ghosting doesn’t bother me?  I do try to explain if I’m busy at the time, to people, or sick, and most people do with me, but if I get ghosted, I chalk it up to “oh, I didn’t mean to offend them, hope they come to forgive me, but if they don’t that’s okay, maybe it just wasn’t in the cards for a friendship”

Kirsten, I think your posts are very well written and informative (-: 

@Frankie This is rich coming from you, since we've all read the train wreck thread about you telling ppl which pen-pals and their crimes are acceptable to write to.

I've been called a lot worse than troll but I stand by what I said to David. I'd say the same thing I said here, to him in the outside world. 

People in prison are broken in so many ways. They've been cast aside by society, families and friends. They will be judged their entire lives for being a felon. This woman reaches out, and feels insecure about her body already and this guy who clearly treats WAP like it's his own personal dating site treats her like a piece of trash. It's obvious how he views women. My friendship, I give freely, without strings attached, as I assume most of you do. He has a long list of strings. 

So you want to bring up that old chestnut for the 10th time in a different thread OK? What I said is 100% the truth. People have the right to stop communicating with someone for whatever reason they deem and your input has nothing to do with that whether you think its shallow or otherwise. I am absolutely not thin skinned... I told you what I think of people who associate with racists by choice and you can like it or lump it... Because as far as I'm concerned when it comes to racists there are no shades of grey.

Once again... you need to keep your opinion to yourself about why someone feels uncomfortable talking to them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being physically or emotionally attracted to someone. There is absolutely something wrong with you when it becomes a matter of disliking the color of a person's skin. Also fat shaming isn't a thing... We should not accept the health issues of morbidly obese people as "normal" unless there is an underly medical issue involved. If you're just fat and lazy its your own damn fault.

https://writeaprisoner.com/prison-forum/forum-terms-service/forum-terms-service-rules-read-posting

You and David are 2 peas in a pod. He's using these women for his own sexual gratification, and that's disgusting. Remember the thread about him opening his home to one of them? 

From here on out Frankie, don't @ me, don't direct any comments to me, etc. If I had a block button you would be the first one it was used on.

Are we really going to go round and round in circles about this? I didn't break any rules by mentioning anyone in the first place. I just told you what I think about people who associate with racists...

Once again people are allowed to discontinue communication with people for whatever reason they like. "fat shaming" isn't a thing, normalising fat people is the problem with the 21st century who have no reason to be fat other than being lazy and eating too much (I already made distinction with people who have a genuine medical reason, such as diabetes, or etc that they can't control).

I also said nothing about sexual gratification, people can be attracted or not attracted to people for various reasons including physical attraction... There is nothing wrong with not being atracted to fat people... It is normal to want to be around healthy and happy people. There is everything wrong with judging people by the colour of their skin.

I don't have the problem, you do...

I don't think that's weird, but you probably have a full life and (many) friends who are there for you if you need them. Correct me if I'm wrong, of course. But most prisoners don't and that's why ghosting them would be harsh. 

I think we can all agree here that David would be more diplomatic if he didn’t use the exact reasons he posted here... they were far too brutal, no matter the harsh truth. However, we all accept he has the right to terminate the correspondence... and that’s the main point we’re all tying to get across. 

Queen of disaster, thank you for your comment that gave me food for thought.  I’ll be careful with my communications and if I need to end a pen pal friendship, I will do it nicely and with kindness so they do not feel I have abandoned them.

I mean, I even left a far less harsh response, which is within the realms of human decency, above. These two just want to pick on me because I told them in no uncertain terms that people who believe in racist jibes or associating with people who do is completely unaceptable and crosses many of the lines most of us consider human decency. But this is about the 10th thread these two want to have at it with me in spite of me clarifying my point of view which not only being nothing wrong with it is the humanly and morally correct position.

This attack on my character borders on trolling and the two above respondants need to seriously consider why they're dragging this on.

You're very welcome of course. Happy penpalling! :)

this forum is so much unnecessary ass drama. All y’all need to get a grip. I hope you’re all nicer to your pals and friends in real life than you are to each other on here. Ridiculous. 

Blah... I just want to go about my life, but even an innocuous reply to these two turns back into that drama. I’m honestly sorry I ever said anything in the first place to defend the morality of humans. I wish I didn’t. Somehow it was necessary… But human beings are ridiculous and rather than admit any responsibility they would rather accuse me of spitting on their grandmother’s grave…

Of course no such thing happened… One heated discussion occurred which I tried to let go and contain to one thread and thee two melodramatists have started this up here in another thread. You know yourself I’m not this awful person these two people portend me to be so I don’t know what’s up but its hard for me to enjoy my time being here with these two in the way of things.

it’s not even you it’s everyone. Every god damn day there’s a new thread full of drama. Why??? 

I wouldn’t worry too much about it, people know if they say something jarring like pointing out a criticism of another person with that person not being there to defend themselves, others will react strongly to it and it will cause drama and people will take sides.  Honestly, if everyone has pen pals they like, and questions about mail, the penal system, etc. that is the important stuff and I’m very glad they have a forum.  As long as there is people in the world, there will be drama.  People do it on Twitter, Facebook, the office breakrook.  When people try to drag me into, I make a joke and go back to my own business. As they say, just shake it off (-: 

God, there is more drama on here than on Netflix lol

Frankie stop acting like you're such a victim and that myself or anyone else is ganging up on you. I'd like to point out the fact that you have been kicked out of other site's forums because of your behavior. 

Northernyank

I agree with everything you wrote on this topic. The attitudes of certain human beings are deplorable. I do not see you as a troll and I think you had the courage to say what many people who read this topic thought.

Greetings.

If there’s more drama on here than Netflix can we all have our OWN tv show?  I get to be the sweet house mom type and bake cookies for everyone 

Greetings to you as well, and thanks for the support, much appreciated. 

If she really lied to you, you are correct in believing she isn't your friend, and not wanting contact with her anymore.

But I don't recommend sending a harsh reply like that one. This will not make the world a better place; like, you will not feel any better, because she probably wouldn't be ashamed. You could point to her, in an educated manner, that you discovered the lies, and see how she reacts. Would you like to try that? I think it would make the situation a lot clearer.

Hey White Knight... He isn't mad at women, he is mad at liars. There's a big difference there. The reason he is so angry isn't about her sex/gender, it's about her character. And I don't see you going to other threads and name-calling women who married their (male) pen-pals for using WaP as a dating website... Besides being hypocritical, you have such a narrow view about how people should use this website... People can only use it the same way you use? What are you, a little king?

I’m confused who’s white knight???

**grabs popcorn**

**shares GalapagosDiver's popcorn**