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sarahlisa

Hi guys, 
So I previously had a penpal and he got out at the end of 2019. He was planning on coming to live with me and stuff shortly after he got out, but he lives 6 hours away from me and it just never ended up happening. We kind of lost contact for a little while and I recently realized that he's probably back in jail. I sent him a letter and I sent it to a jail I think he might be in, in hopes that it will getting redirected to wherever he is. The problem is......that a couple days after I sent the letter I looked him up on facebook (since I recently just made one) and I kind of creeped his facebook lol. I found a girl on his facebook that has a picture of him as her cover photo and it says that she's in a "complicated relationship." His facebook says that he's single though, which is weird. I just feel really embarassed now because if he really is talking to this other girl, then he's probably not going to want to hear from me. And I just feel stupid now.
I didn't send a love letter or anything haha, I just told him that I think he might be in jail, so I wanted to reach out and see if he's okay and that I miss him. 
I know that I don't necessarily have a question, I just wanted to see what ya'll think about it lol. 
Anyways, thanks and goodnight. 

 

 

 

 

 
mjuran

I think sending your friendly, casual, "Hi was wanting to see how you are" letter is 110% fine, and don't see how it could be a faux pas of any kind.  Even if you wrote him a love letter, and he's involved with someone else now, it still doesn't seem like something to be embarassed about.  You've been close friends in the past, you've fallen out of touch, now you're reaching out to see if he'd like to reconnect.  Big deal?  I don't think so.

Kirsten, I didn't assume that the reason she sent him a letter to jail without knowing if he was there or not was simply because she hadn't heard from him.  She didn't give the reason she thought he might be back in jail.  I'd assume there was a reason, and she didn't feel the need to go into a long explanation about it here.

 
PrettyPisces

you did what you thought was the best thing to do at the time so don't beat yourself up for it.. just try not to overthink it and see how it pans out. 

 
Kirsten

Hi Sarahlisa,

what I find a bit weird is that you send a letter to a jail when you don't even know whether he is in jail or not. That's kind of a self-fulfulling negative prophecy.And that is sth. I personally would feel embarassed (if I were you) or angry (if I were him) about, because it's basically saying: "Oh, I didn't hear from you, so I assumed you were being locked up again."

To me it sounds as if you had been a little smitten (or seriously in love?) but never talked to him about it. Or did you and the two of you considered themselves a couple? If the latter, I wouldn't get why the contact stopped between the two of you when he got out.

Just in general: Changes in contact or frequency of contact is normal when they are on parole. My very first penpal got paroled last July and sometimes I get a FB message or an email, but it's not often. When we communicate, it's nice as ever, but it for sure isn't the same as before. But then again, we never were a couple and living together never was an option.

I think it is good to keep in mind that contact will change when somebody gets out and not expect too much of contact afterwards. 

 

 
Blacktidesly

Well, sadly it's hard to predict the emotions of someone I don't know but I would hope and assume that it would be fine for you to mail him. If your relationship was always just based in friendship then I don't see why there would be any need to be embarrassed, if he liked having you as a friend then and you were close enough to offer to let him move in then I would imagine he would be glad to hear from you. If it was romantic and you were sending a casual letter, that's a little harder to say. I know it's easier said than done but try not to worry about him. I imagine he'll either respond and be happy to hear from you or won't at all. And that's all assuming he is in fact back in prison (maybe try using that state's inmate searching feature to make sure!). Best of luck, I hope everything works out okay!