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LotusBlossom

Maybe this is a silly feeling but I feel just a bit sad that my PPs are in yucky cells and don't get to do fun things and meet lots of people and go places, they're subjected to the same routine day in and day out.  I know they committed crimes that got them in prison and we need to follow laws as a society, trust me, I completely agree and respect that. My current PPs are 20yrs or life sentences.  I've been doing this for awhile and it kind of hit me all the sudden, the fact the miss out on stuff and they're probably cold in a cell and miss their families.  No one can do anything about it, they just serve their time and/or wait to see if they can appeal, which is a long process.

Sometimes I think, wait, am I just causing a problem sharing what I'm doing out here and sending in letters?  What if I make them just miss being a part of things more?

Bleh.  


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ST4s

Wow! Great book recommendation, Lotus! I had these unused "kindle credits" from sending books to my pals and now I'm reading this on my tablet. I can't put it down!

And you’re right, how someone can go from a profile entry, to an acquaintance, to a friend, to practically family, and you worry about them and cheer them on just the same… and they worry about you and cheer you on right back! Who knew? Well, maybe all of us.

Every now and then, my mind wanders into this “what if I was the one in prison” place, and it haunts me. I would definitely want and surely need rock stars like all y’all to make it through the day.

 
LotusBlossom

Samiha, and all, thank you for sharing on my post.  I feel the same way Samiha, my PPs are always with me.  I've read a lot lately about learning on how to give off a loving, low light and have been meditating a lot, it really does help me and I can be a better PP (and calmer person towards others) as a result.  I bought a really good book I love called "eight hours at a time" by a former prison guard, and it's quite touching and eye opening on what both the prisoners and the guards are subjected to by "the system" and how we try so hard as a society to find better solutions and open up the table for discussion as our politicians swing one way and then another over this issue.  My PPs are all doing better than they had been, and that helps me rest and not wake up with the sudden thought "but will they be okay???"  The rate of suicide in prison absolutely and without a doubt terrifies me.  So you all as PPs make such a difference in those tough times.  I plan to mind my p's and q's and hopefully never end up in the big house and I know from having prison pen pals they have definitely expressed crime does NOT pay but if I had lived a different lifestyle then I'd want you all stars all my pen pals and be so grateful to have those letters coming in.

 

 

 
Samiha

I understand that feeling. My pen pal is a 24 year old orphan from Texas doing 15 years in solitary confinement for three counts of burglary and he's really suicidal. He's been alone for 5 years and it hurts to read what he writes. Im so glad I found him. I found his Facebook and it's pretty heartbreaking. Since about age 15 he's been suicidal and wrote poems about killing himself and is begging for help on Facebook with no one responding. And it made me so sad to know that nothing changed 7 years later. Yet somehow he's so hopeful. And artistic and funny. He's got over a decade left and I can't even bare to imagine what he's going through. I don't stop thinking about him daily. 

 
Taurus_ISTJ

This isn't silly, it's almost inevitable. I figure we all feel it. For me, though, I would say it's more than the yucky cells or abject social isolation, and more than sadness, I suppose it's worry I sometimes feel like a rock in my gut over my penpals who are and have also been lifers and long-termers (so who aren't going anywhere anytime soon, for better or for worse). At least when I really give myself over to thinking about it.

As there's a pretty important video I watched on Youtube not too long ago (but that I would not recommend anyone faint of heart watches, unfortunately) about the most chilling prison moments caught on camera, and what it mainly showcases is a complete and utter violation of human rights (but I guess inmates aren't humans... or something), and seeing the documented mistreatment—seeing that it truly does happen and so blatantly and out in the open—deeply affected me and made me start to look at things differently. Made me remember to be more compassionate always to my PPs, because who knows what kind of unhinged cellie they might be bunked with and what that cellie might do to them while no one does (or even can do) anything to stop that cellie, or what the guards might do to them or allow to happen while they watch, even laughing and cracking jokes while they onlook, or for how long they might be left agonizing on the floor with a life-threatening injury which needed urgent medical attention (because they might be faking it, after all), any number of depraved just prison things.

Prison is beyond the understanding of this world sometimes.

 
Northernyank

You're a compassionate human being who feels for those that are stripped of every comfort. We all agree there should be punishment for crimes committed, but that shouldn't entail cruelty and cold cages. Keep doing what you're doing because I don't even need to know your pen-pals to know, you put a smile on their face. 

 
ST4s

You’re right, Lotus. My pen pals, brothers all, have taught me so much about the resiliency of the human spirit and what it means to soldier on through uncountable hardships. When I get in a funk, they’re the ones who are riding in to save my day.

When I started down this road, I had no idea I’d end up calling a bunch of convicted felons my brothers, but that’s exactly who they’ve become to me. That F-word label is so irrelevant anymore, and I’ve found that having friends to lean on and look up to really does run in both directions – no matter where we all might be. Everyone does win!

 
LotusBlossom

Thank you everyone.  Your words and support helped me a lot yesterday, it was just an off day for me in general.  I'm feeling a lot better emotionally today.  I did worry about my pen pals, but I know how strong they are to get through this, and I know how hard they're working to serve time and then get back to their families.  Sometimes the resilience of human beings is an amazing thing.  I think it's easy with all the information out there to check ourselves and start to worry but in the long run, nope prison isn't fun, but when it comes to being a PP everyone loves to get mail, so everyone wins!

 
novinha

ST4s always riding in to save the day!

All I'm gonna say is, man, I love this thread. I've totally shared those same thoughts and fears. 

 
Been_on_the_inside

I know from experience that the best thing you can have is too see what other people see. Don't feel bad about anything the more you sure the more you take people outta that place even for a moment. It's not just the things you say or show the fact your willing to share your life in that way means so much. In prison everyone around you as to treat you like your in prison what your doing makes them feel less like a prisoner and more like a person. 

 
ST4s

Lotus, everyone, I have it on the best authority that you sending in that sunshine and sharing your most valuable asset, your time, is the very thing that turns a bad day into a good one for our friends on the inside.

I think what you’re describing are the side effects of empathy, and I get them too – soaking up the horrors my buds are going through moves me to tears sometimes (or moves me to rain fire and brimstone upon the powers that be, to hold them to account when they aren’t following their own rules). Most often though, it moves me to write back, to be that antidote, and to bring my pals along and share in what’s wonderful about being alive – having each other. And right now, you’re their proxy for all the other good things in life. You have no idea what a profound effect that has. You’re the antidote too. Write on!

 
VioletGrey

You're not alone in that thought spiral Lotus. My PP has been down for 10 years and he recently laid out some very striking realities - like no having sat in on a soft couch/seat for those 10 years, or not being able to feel carpet under his feet. It gets me real down, because he is one of sooo many out there. The ones with the absurdly long sentences, is where I feel it the hardest. If the DoC had its way, he'd be getting out in his mid 70's :o Shocking. And I know there are much worse cases out there :( 

It does make me eternally grateful to be able to see/touch/listen to/do what I can because I know there are others like my PP who don't. And that's very heartbreaking but my PP loves to get photos and here descriptions of things I've done as it grounds him and gives him things to look forward too. I think a prison cell would be much more bleak without someone to write and hear stories of snowstorms and hot summer days... I believe that connection is key and by writing, we can connect and that's better than nothing at the end of the day. 

Sorry you have that icky feeling, it's never nice to have, or to think about for too long. Just enjoy what you can and pass that onto your pals x