Skip to main content

Must read Terms of Service & Privacy Policy and be at least 18

Must read Terms of Service & Privacy Policy and be at least 18

 
LotusBlossom

I’m not one to normally post about personal problems, but having a rough time right now.  Dealing with some jealousy issues with my LO.  We’ve tried working it out, I haven’t done anything to cause these issues, but I’m absolutely at my wits end and just need a little space at this point.  I look at it like it’ll all work out or it won’t.  And this comes up sometimes, then sorts itself out, it has before.  Still, I feel ugh and a little confused over it all.  I get sick of the suspicion when I’m not doing anything wrong.

Sometimes this sucks.  It’s cool, writing and getting so close.  There’s so much to gain.  But some of the feelings that can go with it (on both sides) are just very troublesome.

Anyone else have any feelings (or dealing with PP/LO feelings) that can get a little too powerful and try to take over?


Last post
16 posts / 0 new

 
Cleopatraaaa

Aw thank you PrincessBuffy! That's so sweet and welcome to the forum! I hope you stick around :) the more, the merrier x

 
Northernyank

Thank you Princess Buffy! We may all write different people, but at the end of the day, we are all in this together. 

 
LotusBlossom

Thanks Princess!  And welcome to the boards!

 
PrincessBuffy

Lotus, Cleo, Northen, just want to say that being new here i not only didnt know what to expect from a pp, i didn’t know what to expect on the forums. I am so pleasantly surpised at the friendships and supportive environment. I just feel like everyone is so caring and wonderful and so fiving of their tim. It’s truely amazing. 

 
PrincessBuffy

Lotus, Cleo, Northen, just want to say that being new here i not only didnt know what to expect from a pp, i didn’t know what to expect on the forums. I am so pleasantly surpised at the friendships and supportive environment. I just feel like everyone is so caring and wonderful and so fiving of their tim. It’s truely amazing. 

 
Cleopatraaaa

@Lotus I’m proud of you girl for being so reasonable about it all and for putting yourself first! It’s also good that you guys could have that dialogue and make a joint decision and that he’s able to see where you’re coming from, but you’re also able to see his point of view too! I think it’s actually really refreshing to read about to adults handling things properly and communicating really well! I think deciding to just be friends and writing each other as friends is the best choice you could make and that way you don’t lose someone that you care about. You’ve got this!! And I hope it’s all smooth sailing from here on out :) xxx

 
LotusBlossom

 

@Opally, thanks sweetie.  I felt down about it yesterday because all the good things ran through my mind, how handsome he is, how funny he is, how we’re basically best friends.  So that part was hard, but at the same time it was so clear we were looking for different things, he wanted someone who available in the relationship 24/7 and I wanted someone who I can love hard but also knows I need to glow as an individual and do my thing.

@Northern, thank you for this!!!  He and I talked a lot about his anxiety and he realizes afterwards how he’s coming across.  He said he blames himself and thinks he’s doing or saying something wrong, then he says something without giving himself time to think logically and he’s trying to work on it, but it’s tough.  I think in prison people need to think fast in case there’s a bad situation, out here we have less of that stuff.

@Cleo, hugs back!  Who would have thought writing letters to a person would lead to so much more, and it can get so complicated at times!!  But it’s worth in the end.

@Redbird, ohh we’re not married, we were together for several months and had been writing since last winter.  You’re spot on, he told me he worries I’ll get so into someone else I’ll decide I don’t have room for him in my life 

@all, thank you for helping me through this.  He and I did talk a lot yesterday on the phone and messages and we communicated well.  We both realized our relationship is so close but he has a lot of worries and anxiety (like Northern mentioned) and ends up projecting things instead of really taking them as they are.  I’m not going to say I’m perfect either, I have to work hard to communicate well too, because it’s hard talking about feelings.  But we do both think we’re looking for different things.  We still care about each other and like each other’s families and decided to write because we want to stay in touch.  I thought we might need a cooling off period but letters can take a few days to a week or two so it’ll be spaced out nicely.  Mail is fun, and it’s nice we can stay close, I won’t have that pressure put on me, and he won’t feel any anxiety that way.  We will probably get impatient for mail delivery from time to time lol!!!

I’m glad it happened this way because you know how some people are so unreasonable over this type of thing. We just don’t make the right match unfortunately.  But we still love and care about each other, it’s just going to have to be on a different level.  He said there’s part of him that would love more but he’s going to have to accept what he can because he wants me in his life.  I know people want it all, but I’m just not that type of person in a relationship, I have to have my own “thing” to feel satisfied in life.

 
Redbird

Lotus, is it that your husband is afraid that while he's locked up, another man will come take your heart?

 
Cleopatraaaa

@Lotus *hugs* you’re the most important person in your life and so you have to do what’s best for you! I give you mad props for being so levelheaded about everything! You seem to be handling everything well, but just remember to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel all the things you need to feel! You’ve got us on this forum if you ever need more support xxx

 
Northernyank

@Lotus the real root of the issue isn't anything you're doing or not doing. It comes down to his anxiety and how it's manifesting itself. Yes, these relationships have hardships because we lack the physical aspect to them, and our LO's are always afraid that some outside force or in this case man, is going to sweep us off our feet.

He can't control the way he's feeling, and he can't control his environment, so he thinks by trying to control you (the jealousy, the suspicion) it will help the way he's feeling internally. 

Let me give you an example. My husband since being transferred to Allenwood is in the SHU. He has no tv, and no radio. He has nothing but time to focus on me (intensely), so much so he creates these scenarios in his head that I am in danger. I mentioned taking an uber a couple of times,(I actually take them often to save money on parking) something that happens in our everyday world. For him, it's such an unknown, that every horror story he's heard involving an uber driver attacking a woman, he has relayed to me. He's asked everyone what security measures I can take, when I speak to him, he will ask me if I checked the inside door panels to unlock the rear child safety locks, and if I took a screen shot of the driver & car I'm riding in and sent it to a trusted person. My husband is much like your LO, it isn't really about us, but this fear of the unknown and their attempts to control their own feelings of anxiety. 

Just ask him to take some time and really think about what might be under the surface that is driving him to act like this. It sounds like it's periodically, from what you described, so maybe see what is happening around the same time? I do think you should put your foot down and let him know that his accusations will not be tolerated, but if he has fears, then you are willing to discuss them. 

 

 

 
Opally

Oh, @Lotus, this sucks. I’m sorry you feel this way :( I think jealousy is bound to happen sooner or later, but I understand how this must feel for you. I wish I could help you in some way! All I know is that this is a growing opportunity and you will benefit from this in one way or another.

Anyone else have any feelings (or dealing with PP/LO feelings) that can get a little too powerful and try to take over? Yes!!!!!!!! I care so much about my lifer pal and all I want is to know that he’s alright. I wish I could just talk to him but I can’t -- no matter the amount of times I try to reach out. I’m not in control of this situation, which sucks so much.

 
LotusBlossom

 @Maxwell, you sound like a very caring pen pal.  I hope the inmates get tablets soon at that facility so you get to talk to him more often.  It’s usually the way it happens, I think sometimes there’s that deep bond and care with pen pals and sometimes they do fall in love.  It can happen anywhere, even through letters.  Hope you two continue to have a lovely correspondence. 

 

 
LotusBlossom

@Cleo, thank you girl, you have a good head on your shoulders.  It just kept escalating and maybe it an issue that had to, so he and I could see things clearly between us.  He feels like, despite me sending in tons of mail, books for us to discuss, talking on the phone every 2 days, and visiting that me spending time with friends takes away his time with me, and it’s not enough.  So I told him we’re looking for different things.  Can’t win ‘em all.  But you’re right, I’m enough for someone.  I do still love him and don’t feel bad I got the chance to be with a person I cared about, we’re just not the right people to be in a relationship.

@MG, I can understand that.  It was hard some days but then it got really good for awhile.  I just think the jealousy killed it for me, and not faulting him, it’s just a personality conflict.  Still hope maybe he’ll want letters and friendship, even if we need a cooling off period.

 

 
Maxwell_House

Yes!!! "J" kind of fell into my life. I wasn't looking to write to a prisoner, especially someone on D.R. I've done my research and I know all the ugly truth about him. I find myself re reading all our letters. Anticipating his phone call. Getting agitated when he doesn't there are only 3 phones for 14 men to use in the hour of tier time. Running my mail man down for a letter from him. He sends me songs he likes and I do the same. I can tell he has never had a woman to truly just be there for him. He has never asked me for anything. I'm a kind hearted woman at first I was writing him just so he had mail to read, telling him things that are happening in the world. Now I get butterflies when I think about him. He is at Ely State Penitentiary in NV. I've looked into when or if they will get tablets like other prisons. Does anyone know? Hell I will buy him one if they will let me. The same server they use to screen incoming mail, why can't they use to screen out going mail. I believe if they were able to correspond with the outside world more it would be mentally beneficial. I have to stop myself from calling the prison to speak with the mental health department to plead that to them. Prison isn't supposed to be luxurious I know, but if they have people on the outside they can keep them calm, it benefits the whole prison. (He says hearing my voice calms him and keeps him focused). I told myself that I can't fall for him because he can't catch me, but I'm sure stumbling. He is so funny and we have a good vibe. Hell they can get those old flip phones that kids used to have where they can only call like 3 numbers. Corrlinks needs to upgrade their technology, create a tablet. Even though they are prisoners, they still have people on the outside that care about them. But I definitely got the FEELS. I would appreciate any advice on how to help him or anyone else that has a PP, Loved one at ESP that want to get together and help them get tablets. I'm in Kansas but plan to visit him for his birthday next year.

 
MG65

Pretty much what Cleo said. I think there's a little bit of jealousy on both sides when it comes to my pp realtionship, but it's never gotten to the point where I feel that I need space. We're not in a relationship though, so it's a little different if you are together. We both wouldn't want each other writing to different people(him being a prisoner and me being someone who likes writing and having prisoner penpals), but I don't want him to sit in a cell and rot so I just CAN NOT be in a relationship with an inmate. I'd go insane. 

 
Cleopatraaaa

Hey Lotus! Girl, I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a rough time with your guy. I think it’s normal to have feelings of jealousy sometimes in relationships, I mean, we’re only human and I think the issue becomes more magnified when your LO is in prison or they can’t be there for you and with you physically. In saying that though, I would be iffy if this is something that keeps coming up and you haven’t done anything to arouse suspicion. It’s an issue when the feeling of jealousy is not warranted or rational, you know? This isn’t your issue and you shouldn’t have to be the one having to constantly prove to him that you’re not doing anything shady. If he’s got some trust issues, then he has to work on that himself. And the change has to come from him. He can’t even do it for you, he has to do it for himself. You should be able to tell him things and he should be able to take your word for it. If you’re going to have a healthy and meaningful relationship, then this is something that just cannot happen. He can’t take out his suspicions or whatever issues he’s having out on you. I also don’t think that this is something that will just sort itself out you know? There needs to be effort put on his part to deal with it. If you’re just letting it sort itself out every time it comes up, it’s almost like all you’re doing is putting a bandaid on things. Not really getting to the source of it. It’s up to you to decide how much of something you’re willing to take before you leave. I don’t know how long you’ve been with him, and your relationship may be amazing in every other aspect, but this is a pretty crucial issue in any relationship. Relationships should be built on trust, honesty, respect and love and if even one of those things is missing or not quite there, then the issue must be fixed or you should leave. I’m probably being too blunt here, but that’s how I feel. You wouldn’t be doing yourself or your guy a favour by being with each other since there’s that lack of trust. It harms you both. And you’ll both be on edge with each other over this. 

 

I realised this for myself because I had the same sort of issue. But I was the one with the trust issues. So after what happened with my former pen pal, I had these issues trusting my newest pen pal and I told him. And this poor dude told me that I could think of him in whatever way I wanted, that I could place him in the same category as a scammer or as my former pen pal, but that he’d be willing to work hard to prove me otherwise and gain my trust back. And that killed me, when I saw him write that. Because it was just woefully unfair of me to put all of that on him. He’s never done anything that’s made me doubt his intentions, he’s always been respectful and upfront and super honest with me, that I felt so awful that he was willing to do all of that to prove to me something that he never should’ve needed to in the first place. Made me realise I can’t be dragging the baggage from one relationship into the next, and that it was unfair to treat my issues with trust as an ‘us’ issue rather than only ‘my’ issue. We can’t change other people’s behaviours and we shouldn’t have to. The only person we should be trying to control is ourselves and that’s it. We had a long conversation and I apologised to him, told him I did trust him, that he had nothing to prove to me and so far it’s been pretty good. He’s a really decent guy and I love our friendship. 

 

I hope you can find a solution to this issue and I’m sending you all the good vibes and my good thoughts to you. Whatever you decide, just know that you’re a wonderful, kind, caring and lovely person and you will always deserve someone who’s going to love and cherish and respect and TRUST you. Don’t ever settle for less than that! Good luck to you xxx