Financial help to inmates - is it just me?

Hi Micky,
I am sorry to hear about your dilemma. I am assuming that your many PPs know that you are writing to others, and that you can't afford to send support to so many. Nobody knows your PPs better than you, and so, only you can decide who to send money to and who not to. In my opinion, I would only send support to someone that I have gotten to know, very well, and someone that I felt really close to. We have all heard stories about inmates scamming people on the "outside", so it behoves us all to be very careful.
In the case of my PP, who recently died, I wrote to her for 2 1/2 years, and she never asked for any money. She always told me that my friendship was more important than that. And, I think that is the way it should be. Friendship first and send money only if your heart tells you to. Not because they asked.
Good luck and happy writing. I do admire you, and anyone, who cares enough to send a little ray of sunshine to these who are less fortunate than ourselves. It is a good cause.

I dont think they are hustling you for money because you are gay. I have pps ask me for money often both male and female. I think its safe to say most prisoners dont have much so they want anything they can get within reason of course*most of the time* :)

Micky, i will give you my honest opinion from what my friend has shared with me. I have talked about this indepth while i was at a visit, because of what i witnessed.

Many behind bars write asking for friendship only, but have other underlying motives. Some really do honestly value a friend and they in turn will do what it takes to write someone, even if you live overseas. Never asking for anything from you, just to prove it is you they are interested in.

While others value what they can get from you. Telling you what ever it is they think they need to, in order to achieve their goal. That is to have many buying for them, sending money on their books, buying books\mags etc. So they write many people, playing them. These people from what i have been told will often target the gay and the very over weight ladies. I am just being honest with what i know and have seen recently.

Honestly if a friend was to write and say he could not afford postage and you were unsure of his motives, then i would honestly say goodbye.

It is sad to think you maybe being played when you have such good intentions, but while i think there is no excusable excuse. I do understand why some would choose that path.

Hi guys,

Most of my pp's have the best of intentions, and so have I. I have some very dear penpals, how never mention any money or other things, even when i know they have it difficult.

But recently i was writing with some fairly new pp's (writing to them about 4 months), and they really are very sweet with every letter, that I sometimes have to pinch myself, or re-read the letter if I have read it correct. But then at a certain time it turns, and they blow up the bridges between us, because of financial reasons due to the high mail costs. One of them told me that he has to pay 2,5 $ per letter he send to me (when his letter is marked with 0,84$).

Sometimes they give me a bad feeling, most of my buddies are ok, but sometimes of others i feel used.

I have gone through this myself over the last several months - one case you know about. I have another PP who has a year left and suddenly he has just started telling me to do this, send that, etc. I don't respond well to orders, so his wishes weren't answered. Another one also asked for money - this was all around the same time and frankly it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I am not the Bank of America and I work hard for a living. I do help some out when it is my idea and when I want to - birthdays, holidays, etc. I have others that I have written for over a year that tell me how much it means to them to have me for a friend and to receive letters, they have never asked for anything except friendship. Those you can never get enough of. The $ seekers are barking up the wrong tree.

And, no, I don't think it is related to being gay, I think they figure if someone has decided to write them then obviously they are caring people so why not ask.

I don't think it has anything to do with being gay.

I would divide your dilema into two sections.

The first are those who are asking for help with postage and stationery expenses. I have always thought this is a legitimate request. They have to pay for most postage...and at $0.84 a stamp that can be as much as three hours work if the get paid or, such as in Texas, where they get nothing for labour, then they have no source of money for stamps at all. As for the $2 - $5 cost...perhaps you misunderstood...at $0.84 a pop it could cost the inmate $2 - $5 a month depending on how many letters he/she is sending.

The second group are those who indeed may be "playing' you just because they "play" everyone. After four months of letters, asking for a radio, television, or legal fees should be a HUGE red caution flag to you or anyone! That just should not happen.

By all means help out with postage costs, I think that is fair and legitimate. But, speaking for myself I would have to know my Pal long time before I spent that kind of money...and I don't think I would spend any money at all, (outside postage), if the Pal asked for it until I knew them very well...like years.

Just my thoughts.

Tom

My rule of thumb is that if a pal asks me for money outright (so far none have) I wont send it and stop writing. This may sound harsh but i did not go into this to give these men financial support, but emotional only. I want to offer them friendship and nothing more. That is not to say i have never sent money or gifts. I have sent a pal $25 for his birthday for which he did not ask, was not expecting and was thrilled by the gesture.

I simply wont pay someone to write me, end of story but that is just me. You have to make your own decisions.

Hey all,

I can't speak for anyone else, but I have been writing about 5 months and have been asked for money directly twice.
In the first instance my penpal needed to get rid of some of his books and asked if I would like to have them, he actually send two boxes full and only asked for help with the $16 postage on one of them. I felt this was legitimate, especially since I was the one receiving the books and more in the position to afford that cost.
The second instance was a penpal telling me about his hard times and no funds for anything he wants. While I told him I valued his friendship, I am also not financially well off as a student and could not afford to send him money. I knew there was a chance I would not hear from him again, but that was not the case.
With at least one other penpal, they explain their money situation to me and how they don't have any but never directly ask, so I haven't addressed it.

My advice would be if you cannot or do not want to send money is to honestly explain that to them, and see if the correspondence continues or not.

Micky, I have been writing to pen pals for a long time. As far as I can determine, there is truth in both position. Some men pretend to be gay or bisexual in order to obtain money. Some are looking for friendship. I think both gay and straight can be played when it comes to emotions. I think it is up to each individual to determine how they fit in the equation. My red flags evolve out of common sense. When I get someone confessing undying love for a seventy-five year old man (which does happen) I say to myself, "yeah in a pigs eye...get real) There are clever hustlers in and out of prison, but being in prison and broke is a different ball game. Inmates survive by using their wits. I expect a certain amount of that. What we have to determine is how far do we want to go in playing this game given that letter writing is a mutual pleasure and that after release this temporary friendship , in all probability, will end. As I see it, the problem in these relationships is getting too involved with a fantasy to the point that common sense goes out the window. We all squeak when we are squeezed too hard, me included. Frankly, I consider writing to inmates, a form of recreation and not all recreation is free. Like many of you, I get caught up in trying to save "lost puppies" but that is my fault not theirs, even though their whimpers may contribute to it. The bottom line is, what I do or don't do is my responsibility and only do what YOU want to do and nothing more.

Good advice CET, in all the time that I have been writing I have only once been asked for money. I have sent money for gifts if and only I can afford too. The one pal that asked made me feel very uncomfortable when I responded that I could not help that way. Needless to say I was dropped.

Hi Micky, I have similarly pondered this question. I know of at least one ad where the inmate was gay, then on renewal, with new photos and text he was straight. Ads on different sites have different preferences. (covers all the bases I suppose!!) There could be many reasons for this but as Smiley says, some inmates target those people they perceive as vulnerable, whether gay/straight, male/female. I am not for a minute suggesting that anyone who is gay or overweight is short of love or friends but it is a common conception. I was writing a PP in Texas and we had been getting on well, building up a friendship. As his birthday came round i sent a small gift. A couple of days after he wrote sending me instructions on how to send him money. (It would have crossed in the post with my gift) Now I don't know for sure if he was just telling me waht I wanted to hear, and he did write and thank me. But I haven't heard from him since. (over4 months ago) Looking back, there were little signs and contradictions in his letters, but I chose to accept what he said at face value. And there could be a good reason why he no longer writes. But I think it more a case of 'he got something from me' and moved on. I'm not particularly bitter, just miss his letters! but hey. It's of no help in your dilemma, and there are good and experiences on both sides. But I wouldn't buy my best friend a TV, let alone a penpal! (well, I might) Sometimes we do see thru rose-tinted glasses. And there have been plenty of posts along the lines 'he scammed me', 'I feel betrayed' etc Just be careful, and only do what you feel comfortable with. Sometimes those 'lost puppies' turn out to be rabid dogs!!! ;o)

You take care mate

Chris

I am sorry but none of my penpals have EVER asked me for money. Of course I am old and Social Security doesn't go very far. LOL

Back to the point, I am very fortunate to have a great penpal that I am writing to now. He pays for his own calls and acts very much like a gentleman, and truly I am blessed.

Micky, you know in your hearts of hearts who is real and who isn't. Be firm and don't let the heart rule.

Sincerely,

Fran

hi mmy sweet friend to be honest I dont think friendship should come at a cost and if get a gut feeling your being used you should go with it ,these guys lets face are not in there for using the wrong fork at a dinner party just be careful hon and dont let anyone take advantage of you

I had one pal who, when she realised that i was not about to send her money right away, stopped writing - she would always put two or three deposit slips in her letters and say nothing, and then suddenly she said 'do you get the deposit slips that i send? what do you do with them?' Suffice it to say that i realized pretty quickly that she wasn't in 'it' for the friendship but rather for a quick handout (she was also VERY sexually orientated when it came to her letter-writing)

I will only send gifts and money to those pals who I WANT to send them to - and i will certainly not be 'bullied' into sending anyone my money.

Be careful Micky!

Hello Friends,

WOW i really thank for the many good reactions I received. To be honest, I don't mind to help my pp's, I mostly help them by sending books and magazines, and I even offered them to send stamps. With every letter I send them some nice cards as well, which they can recycle.
Having 25 pp's is already a big amount on postal costs every month, some of them write weekly, so I spend about 120 $ every month on my letters, cards, pictures. I don't mind helping out with postal money, but when it comes to buying radio's or television sets, it stops for me.
My partner is not to happy that I write to my pp's, but it is what I like to do, and he sees it makes me happy, and so are my pp's, but I promised him that i would not start funding them (although i use my personal money for everything).

Wolvester/Chris, Joyfullsoul/Shannon, CET, TCF many thanks for your thoughts, they meaned a lot to me.

I feel a lot better already with your advice.

While I don't think it has anything to do with your sexual orientation, please allow me to share a story with you.....

Several years ago, I did legal work with inmates. I was one who researched their transcripts, examined crime scene evidence, obtained autopsy reports, etc., in order to help them with their court petitions. One inmate in particular I began to visit and he loved having pen pals. Well, during one visit, he and another inmate were discussing whether or not he'd heard from someone who'd written to both of them. Upon learning he was gay, this man's name was passed on to my friend. Needless to say, he pretended to be gay and wrote letters flirting with him and everything. The man wrote to tell my friend that he found him attractive, and it was on so to speak. My friend and this man would laugh and talk about how he would send each of them whatever they asked for. I couldn't stand it, so I asked them, "Why would you do something so cruel?" My answer?

Well, it appears that if they pretend to be gay themselves, and write letters full of the things some people, (men or women, gay or straight) want to hear, they get the best of both worlds. They not only get mail at mail call, they also live well on the money or 'things' sent to them.

My advice would be not to be taken in by pen pals. But that's much easier said than done on most occassions. We tend to get attached to the people we write and want to believe they are being honest with us. Most of the time they are, but once in a while we get those who are less than honest. I'm with a number of others on this one. It is alright to help out with postage, but until you know someone really well, and if you can afford and want to, you can send them small gifts. Otherwise, keep it on a friendly level, and they'll show their true colors most of the time.

Follow your gut instincts. Usually you'll be right on the money if you do.

Thanks Broken one, you are very right, your story did falsh before my eyes with certain guys I write, so it makes me wonder.

I really appreciate your nice comments,

Micky

very true mhy pp told me about guys like that where he is and how they manipulate women and men for money and the things they need its discusting

I send money for stamps, buy stationary and magazine subscriptions, and snacks. It does not add up to a great deal. I only have one penpal too. And in Texas no one is paid even pennies and hour to work. But no work, no privlidges. Sometimes I think getting the gift is an enjoyment for someone inside.
I would not want to be taken advantage of either. I give modest amounts reguarly.
John

I like sending my pp's mag subscriptions and books; I ask them for lists of these things so I can go shopping online. But I'm the one who's made the offer, and I don't take requests for cash, and I make them aware that I have to stay within a budget.

hey micky
my pp just asked me to send him some money to help with the purchase of a tv.
so i sent some money and then he asked for more cuz it was not enough,that has opened the door now and ever letter has a request for more money for everything you can imagine.so basically i asked him if i was his personall atm now? see i am a single mom and i support my grandson,i have run into a stroke of bad luck financially and told me pp this and he apparentley does not understand.so basically it is a personal choice but set limits..

Hi wildprincess,

The questions is where will it stop, sometimes they have to understand that we can not always deliver what they asks. Is the guy still writing to you? Or did he stop, once you told him that you are no longer able to pay up?

I really agree, with folks saying that this issue has nothing to do with being straight or not. Yeah maybe some smart pranks intend to be gay to receive this&that, but what about those females who are so horny that you will not be able to get away with it, and they did never see you? I am really thinking to write, but without looking in this topic my first question was to myself, what if it´s only about that? On the other hand, I do understand that without having basically anyone who gives you even a minor help, you feel really down. But this is a Janus faced problem, people who receive donations from family, friends etc. probably receive mail as well, not to mention visitors, every 2 weeks or so, well it`s hard to decide. If - personally - someone seeks friendship, no matter of the future outcome- and I can brighten his/her day up, I am glad to do so. But it¨s hard to see through the walls and brains. Anyhow if you have that bad feeling, just don^t send anything. Maybe inmates do not have internet access, and maybe just in this very moment, they are making money of selling your postal adress in order to earn even more out of you.

True some inmates want friendship and some want "donations" not all prisons have work to be done in them so sometimes a inmate is in need of a little cash. I send a few dollars on holidays,birthdays ect to help my penpals but I dont send money every month and the ones that ask for it every month dont get money from me I only send to my special ones that I know need some thing once in a while. As someone said you and you alone know these PP's your writting not us and only you can make that call as far as money goes.

No Ones Going To Ask You Outright For Money So If They Do Something Is Wrong, But Now If Some One Asked Me For Money Outright I Would Not Write Again

I did have a pp write in his first letter the following "...also help me financially from time to time." I wrote back I have never had a problem sening a pp anything if I could and felt comfortable doing so. But it was my call and decision to send how much and when it was sent. As long as I keep it my decisoin and not the basis for our writing it works out fine,. I just sent that letter out so we'll see what he says in his next letter. I did have one guy I wrote in the Fed prison in PA for 200.00 a month in return he would send me dirty letters and talk dirty to me on the phone. A bargain I know, but I passed on that.:eek: