Hi All,
I apologize if this has been posted (probably) but I haven't found anything on this specifically anywhere. I would like to write to someone from this website but had a few questions, as this is my first time writing to a stranger and having a pen pal, period.
I have a unique last name, mixed with a semi uncommon name (Whitney - nice to meet you all! :)). Due to this, if my name is googled, my address and other info pops up, with myself being the only one. I don't know how it's legal for whitepages to do this but it's there. Because of this, I'm not comfortable giving my full name out to anyone that's a stranger to me - incarcerated or not. Plus, it defeats the purpose of the PO box I have. He asks for complete honesty - I do, as well. I don't want to use a fake name or lie to him, so I thought about using my first and middle. It sounds like a first/middle name though. Would it still be delivered to him? Or would whoever reads incoming mail, throw it out because it doesn't sound like an actual last name? I have no problem telling him that it's not my last name but I don't want to do so in the first letter, in case it won't reach him. Or is it best to use a fake last name and then tell him in the next letter? I'm just not sure.
What is the best way for a first letter to reach him, while not using my last name? Without lying to him. If I tell him in the next letter or two, will the guards hold the letters from him?
Also, I'm not writing that I found his profile online, as I know some state's have rules against that and could get him in trouble. He's in Washington. In the letter, it is obvious that we don't know each other though. Is that okay?
Sorry for all of the questions and long post. I'm a total newbie. Forgive me. :)
Last post
Put the boot on the other foot for a moment: if you picked someone to write to and then 2 or 3 letters into the correspondence they told you they had not used thier real name, how would you feel about it? Inmates can only Google you if they are using an illegal cell phone inside the prison - inmates do not have legal access to the internet. If it's that much of a worry for you, perhaps writing to a soldier or someone not in prison would be a better option?
As far as I know, Washington state doesn't prohibit its inmates from posting penpal ads online.
The guards wont know what your real name is unless you say so.
Welcome JW!
I have an uncommon last name as well. I also have a PO Box, but it is not specifically for penpal but also other mail. I think the reason I went ahead to write to my penpal was because I was comfortable with her profile. I read several before choosing JB. I was also able to Google her and find out a lot about her. So, with several factors, I went ahead and wrote my first letter. Best thing I ever did.
I think the biggest concern is the prison mailroom want to see a legitimate return address. Perhaps the solution to your name would be; the initial of your last name followed by a period and then comma, then first name people usually call you by. So, for example; "T., Whitney" (whatever the initial of your last name is...). Then at the end of your letters just sign with your first name. If and when you feel comfortable, give your last name....
Good luck, happy penpalling!
I think there's nothing wrong with using a middle name instead of your first name or family name, especially when your full name is unique and you only know his penpal ad. It's a precaution I find comprehensible and I think a penpal who cares shouldn't find fault with it either.
I think you are taking sensible precautions. If your name is so unique that anyone who sees it can find you please don't use it. It's perfectly ok for you to explain that in the first letter. You not only have to worry about your pen pal but guards and other pen pals finding out who you are. You actually can use any name and address on the return envelope. Just be sure to give him your p.o. Box in the letter and make sure the post office will deliver to a name other than yours. Once you establish a friendship if you want to tell your last name then you can.
Whether you are writing an inmate, soldier or another person they are all strangers and you know nothing about them. Writing a soldier could actually be more dangerous as they have access to find you and can travel freely. I wouldn't suggest writing a soldier as an alternative to writing an inmate as a safer option just because people have normal apprehensions when writing for the first time. Besides most people that want to be pen pals with an inmate do it because they are in prison and aren't interested in writing other demographics. I know that's a suggestion often given here but imo it's not a safer option.
I just would like to add my .02 in.
#1. While I don't have a unique name, I took universal precautions to have my online presence removed. You would be surprised to see how many places post your personal information against your will.
If you are just concerned about white pages, follow these steps.
How to Remove Your WhitePages.com Public Listing
If you want the full monty, check out this link
https://www.reddit.com/r/technology/comments/j1mit/how_to_remove_yourse…
Some of them took some time but they all came through.
Second, you don't have to sneak around when it comes to Washington state. Only a few states are anti-pen pal. Florida, Indiana, and Missouri.
Welcome to my world... There is nothing you can do, if you feel really unsafe about giving your name and details out use an initial for your last name, and use a P.O Box. I'm on the other side of the world, so I don't really worry about it.
So you trust your soldiers less than those who are incarcerated?
I understand her comment that way that there are crazies and stalkers in- and outside of prison. Soldier crazies can easily show up on her doorstep while inmate crazies can't.
Thank you all so much for your responses! I really appreciate it.
Sunray, my response would probably be “Hey, me too!” Lol, in all seriousness, I wouldn’t mind. If we were writing letters for years and then found out, I’d be hurt and probably question other things about the friendship, yes. But within the first handful of letters or more, I wouldn’t mind one bit. Especially if they’re just omitting their last name. They don’t know me and I don’t know them. I wouldn’t give my last name to a military pen pal either (and I was in the military), or any pen pal that’s a stranger in the beginning. Not everyone looks at it this way though and I do understand what you’re saying. I hope he doesn't take offense to it, as I have nothing but respect for him... but I still don't know him. Trust is earned. Just wanting to protect myself and my family because you never know. Like Amantha mentioned, pen pal info can get passed around, whether intentional or not. If he can't understand my concerns, then we probably wouldn't move onto being good friends regardless. I hope that won't be the case.
So it's okay to only put a first name and last initial? I thought it required two names to be legitimate and passed onto the pen pal. That'd make this much easier. Or use first and middle for the envelope and return address at the top and sign off with Whitney T. (good guess HOgrat!) Is it okay to explain in the first letter that I'm holding my last name back until we know each other a bit? I've heard that guards can be finicky about letters and withhold them, which would suck. If I don't hear back from him, I'd much prefer it be because he chose not to, not that the letter never got to him.
Thanks Deckard for that info! I'll definitely get started on them. Glad Washington isn't anti-pen pal, seems really dumb for any state to be. Great signature btw!
While I was in the military, I met some of the best and worst people I've ever known. Just because someone is in uniform (any uniform), doesn't make them safe or trustworthy. I'm not trying to say that people shouldn't be pen pals with military members (I honestly didn't even know this was a thing), just be aware and take precautions with anyone that you don't know.
I'm sure I'm just being paranoid about this and there wouldn't be any issue with sending my last name right away. My home of record is what comes up though, where my parents still live. They're aren't comfortable with the idea of me writing to a prison pen pal and out of respect for that, I at least want to keep their address out of it as much as I can.
Some states allow pen pals as long as they don't post an ad on a site like WAP. My latest pen pal must have had staff search the sites because they found her ad and told her to pull it down. She could have lost privileges if they really pushed it. I think the rationale is a few people got hustled and someone complained, so it ruined it for everyone.
Other states like the ones mentioned, if you even say the word Pen Pal or I found you on so and so site, it most likely will get kicked back. The good news is, Google is our friend and gives a pretty good snap shot when we are in doubt.
I trust people individually and when they've proven they are trustworthy. I don't blindly trust people just because they wear a uniform.
I had a feeling you'd say that :) They have no option but to give you some details. You do have the option to not disclose things, but it just makes me wonder how or why you would do that in this situation. It probably depends a lot on the inmate you choose to write to - someone who is getting out shortly (or at all) I can see could be assumed to be more of a threat than someone who will never get out, but in reality the threat is so small in either case that they would do anything with your details. Just as small as if you wrote to a soldier, a child in Africa, or someone from this forum (maybe). There are plenty of inmates who lead the lives they did because people expected them to, not because they had no choice. Someone has to be the one to break the cycle - if you want honesty, you have to offer it; if you treat them from the start as someone who cannot be trusted, don't be surprised if they behave that way.
No one is right or wrong in this. It's your choice, but if your penpal turns out to be one of the truely innocent ones, treating him/her like a common criminal might not go down too well.
Oh and as I understand it, Washington State requires both a first and last name of the sender, an initial will not be accepted. You could use any name though.
I have an online presence connected with my work. I don't have a particularly uncommon name but if you combined it with my geographical area, place of work or even job area, a few hits come up. I am not so keen on it, but my employers and other organisations I have done some stuff at have my on their sites, not White pages or anything like that. Taking it down would be detrimental to my professional profile. Also, my address isn't on and there is nothing on that I wouldn't tell my penpals.
Is it just your PP knowing your address that worries you or are there more sensitive things online that you are worried he/she might find?
I think it really comes down to personal comfort. If your pen pal respects you they wont feel offended that you want to protect your personal information. As the OP stated if they didnt understand they might not be able to form a closer friendship. I let both my pen pals know that i googled them extensively. Something many people find unecessary and an invasion of privacy. Both were ok with it and thought it was a responsible thing to do. They even warned me of inmates who scam pen pals and suggested i keep some information private. All comes down to personal choice.
I didn't think before I stated that you need two names. It could be any two names though, or not even your real name at all (though I'm not sure how well this would go down after a while) I am not really fussy about who I write to, excepting rapists, serial killers, people who have hurt a child and child sex offenders. They're a special kind of twisted I cannot reason sanity with.
In the end they've been judged and it's not up to me to pour iodine on an open wound. You just take your chances in this situation and you either write them or you don't. The chances of them finding who you are and doing something about it, particularly from the inside of a prison cell are so small it's not even worth worrying about it happening really.
Hello there! Thanks for deciding to do this.
When I first started writing to someone, I used a pseudonym and a P.O. box. I never told them it wasn't my real name. They knew me how they knew me and I knew them how I knew them. I regretted it after a few months though because it just became a pain to keep up with. After a while, I dropped the P.O. box too. It is all about your comfort level though. If you're going to use a pseudonym, I honestly wouldn't even mention that it's not your real name. "I'm using a fake name because you're in prison and that gives me the willies" probably isn't a great way to start a pen pal experience. Haha.
With another pp, I used my real first name and my grandmother's maiden name as a last name and eventually came clean because we got really close and I grew to trust him and it just felt ridiculous to keep up with this fake last name. My pp appreciated when I told him and said it was a prudent thing to do when writing to prisoners, and that he appreciated me trusting him with my real last name. I was very relieved that he was cool with it. He didn't have to be. On another occasion with a different person, I was actually relieved that I'd used a different last name although I can't remember what that was all about now.
If I was you, if you want to use a pseudonym, use your real first name and a different last name. If your name is Whitney and you call yourself, say, Giselle, it will start to feel weird very quickly. I speak from experience. I would put a full name on your return address though. I used my first initial and last name on an envelope once and it came back to me. Some places will find any reason to return a letter. The mailroom won't even know if you're using a pseudonym.
I'm a writer with a unique name and googling me brings up my entire life story. I don't know when this stopped bothering me, but at some point, it just did. I'm also Canadian though too, and will probably never write a prisoner in my own country, so maybe that has something to do with it.
Do soldier pen pals actually happen anymore? Aren't they busy skyping with people now?
How did that turn out? Did you tell them that it wasn't your real name? How did they take it.
Yeah, I heard writers often use their first name and then their surname is actually a place near where they live. It's probably a good pattern to follow if you will use a pseudonym. The OP is from Texas, right? So she can keep her first real name, but for her surname, maybe use a town or city in Texas.
But then using a PO Box would be silly if you're using your town as your last name!
Some people cope really well with multiple personalities. I can only be me.
You didn't get my joke. That's probably for the best. It was pretty weak.
How did you conclude the OP is from Texas? I dont think they said did they? Maybe i just missed it.
Must have been pretty weak; I completely missed it too ;) lol
Oh, how low I have fallen that I need to explain my weak jokes.
She's gonna use her real first name - Whitney. Use a place name in Texas as her fake surname - Houston.
I feel dirty.....
Haha :)
I stopped writing for another reason.
Fair enough
Ohh..its not you, its us ;) lol
Just adding my little tidbit in... just because prisoners don't have access to the Internet, cell phones, etc. doesn't mean they can't look you up. Some of my pen pals looked me up on the Internet --- courtesy of their families or friends doing it for them. There were no dire consequences --- but it reminds me that they do not live in hermetically sealed bubbles.
Me, too. And most days, I find that to be too demanding.
Hi All! I’m sorry to have disappeared throughout last week. College classes started and after being out of school for the better part of a decade, it needed my undivided attention. Thank you all for your replies and advice. I greatly appreciate it.
Sunray - I definitely understand what you’re saying. You get what you give in every relationship. I’ve thought about this over the last week and do feel a bit silly for being this overly cautious. If you knew me in real life though, you’d know that I’m truly not treating him any differently than I would you, if I were sending you a random first letter. Or anyone that I’ve not meeting in person, or isn’t a professional correspondence.
I’ve decided the compromise is signing it with a portion of my last name. This is how I handle online stuff and would sign for any penpal until we’ve gained trust and friendship. I hope he’ll understand and not think I’m treating him like a common criminal. I’m just going at the pace that allows me to stay in my comfort level, as I hope he’ll stay in his during our correspondence. Like I mentioned before, if he’s not a man of great patience and understanding, he probably won’t want to be my buddy anyway. I’d drive him nuts lol.
Amantha - I, too, googled him. Honestly, I wish I hadn’t because I do feel like it’s an invasion of privacy and would’ve preferred to hear about it from him, when he trusted me enough to open up about it. I can’t take it back now though (but would if I could) and know that what I read was the media side of things so I don't give much weight to it. I’m not telling him in the first letter that I googled him but will be honest about it in future ones, should he choose to write back to me. I just feel like saying “Hey, I goggled you by the way.” won’t make a great first impression. And yes, I know this makes me a total hypocrite, which sucks. I’m sorry! :(
I don’t have any sensitive information about myself online, at least that I’m aware of. I’m a private person and keep my online presence very small and/or anonymous. It’s solely my address that concerns me. He and I’s hometowns are practically neighbors, although across state lines.
Sorry that I didn’t get to respond to everything. I’m between classes at the moment and have to run but will get back on later.