My PP has spent 16 years behind bars with 9 to go. He thinks he'll be fine when he is released, because he recently spoke to this other guy who was released recently after spending 20 years in prison and he is driving and found a job and doing just fine. We connect really well, it's just on this topic that he refuses to understand that he may need more help than I or his family can give him. I left it at that, don't want to upset him with 9 years ahead, but anyway, have any of you experienced the same and how have you / are you dealing with it?
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sometimes my fiance can be like this and i just let it go he has a long time to go so why upset him with reality prisons depressing enough
Mine has been in for 15 years and iv put all this to him too..I sent some stuff for him to read, he told me he really doesnt know how he is gonna be when he gets out...he has pretty realistic views i suppose but sometimes he goes into fairyland mode. I think overall they know how it is out here but they just want to think good things while they are still in there...the best way i deal with it really is to keep it as real as I can and when he asks my opinion i tell the truth.
yeah, that's good advice Fee. I'm just going to wait and see when he asks me questions and then I'll tell him. Thanks!
OH BOY do I know this issue!! It took a while for this to be addressed in a real way but the evolution was this:
My friend talked a lot of hope and dreams and "ease" while I nodded and smiled, why discourage him or be a nay sayer? All the while I would hear these things with no reality based understanding of money, housing, etc.
Then, my friend had a family member visit during which he had the realization that he was institutionalized, he saw it by the way he was acting. We talked for a couple hours and it all came out after that day. There was going to be a massive adjustment.
Luckily, he was willing to go there and talked a LOT about not only his institutionalization issues but what to expect when getting out. I was SO glad he opened the subject to me.
I guess it was a positive outcome because I waited for him to take the initiative. I didn't feel there was a way to address it without his saying, yes, there is a problem here. I would have just sounded negative or like a nagger if he hadn't been ready to see it himself.
It was hard for him to admit and face and yet I said it's the guys that won't admit that maybe they are institutionalized or that there is going to be difficulty when they get out are the ones that scare me!
I think it looks like pie in the sky out here compared to prison but that's way too black and white thinking, of course. That's why we are SO good for them in explaining "the real world" if they've been away from it for a long time, as my friend has.
The pressure to succeede is even more on them than on a regular citizen. The worries about screwing up... even the worries that they can't make it at all.
In the end I told my friend, not only me, but... support, support, support is what you'll need. He's the type that doesn't think he needs anyone or anything. (until someone came along and told him, ha ha!!)
I forgot to add that after this came to light I sent a lot of stuff on getting out, recidivism prevention, institutionalization, etc. I think it really helped him to read some articles about this very thing. It's real! It's not "weakness":whistle:
R. gets out this August and I'm not worried about him having unrealistic views of the world or anything. I'm not saying that he doesn't realize that it will be hard, you know, getting work and all of that. Let me just say, he went in a few years ago, it's not like he went in 20 years ago and is going to be released to a world with so many new things (cell phones, laptops blablablaa). Did that make sense to y'all? it sounded better in my head.
Yeh know what your saying QB...K went in 15yrs ago and when i speak about the internet and phones and stuff he doesnt really have a clue..hes never used a computer before well hes certainly never been on the internet. There are so many new things for him outside. Sad really that hes gonna be released into a world where he doesnt have a clue.
yeah, exactly. I can imagine it being a lot more tough on someone that hasn't even EXPERIENCED all this technology. I'm not saying that it wouldn't be tough on others. but you get my point.
It must scare them to an extent eh...you know all of them just not having a clue what to expect..iv noticed sometimes K still speaks like hes 26 (he went in at that age) and sorta speaks like time has stood still. Its hard sometimes trying to explain that things have moved on...sometimes hes talks and lives very much in the past. Even in there he does, he talks to me about respect and lack of it...hes def "old school".
Oh yes! I can imagine it being scary for them! A friend of mine, a friend of his was sent to prison in the 60's and he got out last year. I was there when he got out, I met him and everything and it was so heart breaking to see him. He saw all these things that he wasn't used to. We were out at this coffee house and he seriously freaked out! At the coffee house, all these people's cell phones were ringing and just all these SOUNDS all around him. it completely freaked him out and I didn't blame him one bit. Thankfully he's adjusted and he's doing great!
A big yes to all the technology issues (hell, I have technology issues and I LIVE out here!!!) But also to this that you bring up, respect and all... what lives run on in there is not what lives run out here. Theirs is a narrow conscripted world, ours is a wide and unknowable world. The longer you are in the more of a gap there is to bridge, but it can be done!
By conscripted I mean: (according to my friend-) there is a way to be and act and there is only one way. What could he think out here with many myriad ways?? Hopefully... wanting to embrace that? But it can't happen over night.
We have spoken about people giving weird looks or just people being weird in general out here and how that would not be tolerated in prison and yet... you have to tolerate A LOT out here from people. Homeless guy standing on a corner glaring into my car and making a face at me because he's delusional... not because I need to get out of the car and have a beef with him! Yep.
If they know about these things being issues ahead of time maybe they can work on adjusting accordingly.
One thing about the technology...all these little toys and machines cost a lot of MONEY!!! The ads on TV (which is how my pals have seen any of it) make it seem like just everyone easily has all of it!!! AND worse yet, that you can't exist without any of it!!
I agree with QB on this because when Spanky went in, the internet was still fairly new, Cell phones still had black/clear screens on them, Laptop computers were for the wealthy and a "Tom Tom" was not existant and credit cards were still "swiped" to make a purchase
I tell Spanky all the time about the new technology out there and what he's gonna have to get used to... (c'mon, his first cell phone ever will probably be a Blackberry), The Car will probably have some sort of navigation in the dashboard, and his first computer will probably fit in my lap... if not in the palm of his hand...
And he admits that because of the environment he's in, it's gonna be hard for him to change because he does know it's way different out here...
At least hes being realistic eh....K says the same kinda thing to me sometimes too.
Very true =) Hopefully when Spanky gets out, I will have the help of his sister and Brothers at least for a little while.
great :) Every little helps.
K. went in in 1994 so he doesn't have a clue about modern technology. We're using CorrLinks now and he seems to be doing fine with that, but that type of technology has very few options. He asked me what he's going to need when he gets out and what it would cost. So I summed up: an ID, a place to live, a driver's license (and possibly a car unless he can borrow one), a bank account, a computer (unless he wants to go to an internet cafe - if they still exist in 9 years' time), a cell phone, a JOB... I really hope this book of which he just sent me the introduction will be published and sell or I do not know how he's going to be able to deal with it all and pay for it all.