Has anyone ever regretted writing to their pen-pal?

Not into a nightmare, no, but there's one where I find it difficult to write. But that's more because of his at times very different behavior than due to anything he really did.

That's the kind of guy who can write elaborated, insightful 8 pages one time and the next time you get a 1 page "no brainer", or there are months of pausing in between. But he's a long story of drug abuse & I guess, it mostly depends on whether he'd been "chasing the high" or not. That's not easy for me to deal with, but it certainly ain't a nightmare, either. But I did have the thought that maybe it would've been better not to have written to him in the first place at all.

The rest of them? No, I never regeretted it.

I also have one who's pretty young still, but he just cracks me up, as he has a marvellous sense of humor. :-) Originally, I didn't even want to take another penpal, but I'm really glad I did. Would've missed out on a lot otherwise. I just could not resist. ;-)

But if you really think your situation could turn into a nightmare, then I hope you know you can leave the situation, [i]before[/i] it turns into one.  

I started writing to one woman in Arizona and she's hard to write to.  She's just kind of boring and we don't really have strong chemistry.

I did actually have a moment where I regretted writing to one of mine. I was trying to be open minded about the crimes, and so I wrote to him knowing he’d taken a life. A couple of days later, I googled him and well, my blood ran cold. But we still write, I just find it doesn’t flow as naturally as with the others.

I’m really thankful I’ve never had a bad experience (so far). 

I have only written to one person. I guess I just got super lucky because she is the sweetest, kindest person. She is wonderful and I'm so lucky to have found her.

A few, because I wrote to one lady in California and pretty soon she was with I lov you, and can a girl get a hand out with some spare money to buy good comissary. You have to watch this with a lot of prisons in California as they can get some care package items that are prohibitively expensive. If its not a jpay tablet its a whole prison uniform with Nike and Underarmour gear and commisary brand you would expect in the expensive healthcare section in your grocery store except the prices are really high also.

Yes but I am conflicted. One I got very close too but is now in a situation where correspondence is less so I feel like its some wierd drug withdrawl:( Other one writes the maximum amount of pages (usually 12) everytime and is SUPER interesting but also very intense... it kinda exhausts me a bit writing too him but at the same time its better than no depth. I feel like deeper i get with my penpals the more draining it will be on mh emotions but i can't stop lol

I don’t necessarily regret writing to my one in California, but his political views are *very* different than mine. He often brings them up, and I don’t know how to address them so I just don’t. I’m not sure I want to continue writing, but he did take the time out of his day to send me a handmade bracelet for my birthday... it’s just, his kind of racist, homophobic, and islamophobic views are.... they’re not really enticing me to write. I just can’t find anything to say. 

[QUOTE]He often brings them up, and I don’t know how to address them so I just don’t.[/QUOTE]

Well, you've got different options on that one, don't you?

1) You could ignore what he's saying (which you seem to do so far).

2) You could tell him that you have different points of view. Then you could

2a) tell him: "Let's just agree to differ and not discuss these subjects." or

2b) tell him about your own views and go into a discussion about the differences.

As long as neither of you wants to change the other, this might work. As soon as you'd prefer to play "birds of a feather flock together" this won't work.

I once refused to write on to somebody. On the one hand because of him "subtly" asking for $ in the very first letter (I made a thread about this which got lost during the update, too), but the other thing was that he seemed to assume that me being German would automatically mean to believe in white supremacy. (Which I never was into & can not imagine to ever be). I could have challenged his views & confronted him at some of his points, but to be honest: I considered it wasting my time, which I didn't want to do.

So, for me the question would be: Do you like this guy enough to not be a pleaser - and risk having a conflict, standing to your pov without disrespecting neither him nor yourself?

If yes, go forward and talk about it.

If no, either leave it alone and have a lukewarm, somewhat superficial connection because you don't speak your mind authentically or leave the conversation completely (with or without telling him why).

Basically, these are the options I see. Good luck with whatever you decide.

He knows that there's been (and continues to be) immigration battles in my family; and that my husband was undocumented at one time and subsequently deported. Yet he continues on with stuff like "what would you do if a stranger broke into your house asking you for handouts." I've also told him I tend to be on the more liberal side of the spectrum, and that I believe people from all backgrounds deserve empathy and respect.

I sent a very short response to his last letter (where he shared his opposite beliefs) a week ago, and have yet to hear back. That letter did not address his one page rant. I feel poorly about everything, because I'd like to help him through his time, but I argue so much in my every day life that I don't have the energy to argue with someone who is 41 and set in their ideals, ya know? I suppose my option going forward is to see what he says in his next letter.

I'm thankful my IL is so great, tbh. He really balances the CA one out.

IL PPP, I have had a couple with very different political and religious views, one agrees we keep off the subjects and as we get on fine, that suits me. Another, was a bit more vocal, but I made my feelings known, and he respects that. If he didn't I would have to write and tell him we couldn't continue. 

I must admit if one was openly racist, phobic and so on I would not be able to continue especially if I had obviously expressed my feelings. 

If you want to stop then stop, or ask him why he continues to bring up the same subjects when he knows you have very different opinions, unless it is to debate in a reasonable manner. 

[QUOTE]He knows that there's been (and continues to be) immigration battles in my family; and that my husband was undocumented at one time and subsequently deported.[/QUOTE]

That's a hard situation to deal with & I suppose you'd like some consideration for this on your pp's side?

[QUOTE]Yet he continues on with stuff like "what would you do if a stranger broke into your house asking you for handouts." [/QUOTE]

Given the situation you mentioned above I can understand that it hurts your feelings.

Before I respond any further to this, let me just pose one question, ok? I ask this question because I do not want to add up to the hurt and your possible answers to it will directly influence on how I'll proceed, aka, what I might say or might not say.

So, here's the question: Can you imagine (by any chance) to view these things independently from one another? I know this is hard to do, especially when it is a subject that causes deep emotions within onesself. If you are not able to take one or two (or seventeen) steps back from your penpal's words because they cause too much hurt & anger to look at them from a distance, that's ok with me, too.

It's just that (without wanting to "justify" what he said or without wanting you to make you feel having to justify your own feelings) I might have a slightly different interpretation of what you shared with us here. But my fear is that if I'm telling it without asking you first whether you want to hear it or not, that I might, however unintententionally, further contribute to the feelings of hurt and the impression of not being recognized. Since this isn't what I intend to do, I thought I'd ask you first.  

I don't regret any of them. I've been writing for almost 7 years as of this week, I've had my contact with numerous people on and off over the years across the U.S., good or bad I don't regret them because every experience has taught me something. I've had mostly good, but a few weird ones and one really bad one, I view all experiences as valuable whether they're good or not, lasting or not. Every person I've written to thusfar has taught me something, and added something to my life I wouldn't have otherwise.

I don't really understand why people would continue writing to someone that either 1) makes them feel uncomfortable or 2) they simply don't enjoy writing to.

Like - life is short and time is precious, why waste it on people who make you feel that way?

I haven't clicked with every inmate I have written to, but corrspondence ended with those 2-3, or simply just fizzled out, so it's not something I regret.  Simply can't get along with every one!

The 3 that I still write regularly to are great - and the positives well outweigh any negative experiences I've had with others. 
 

i would just feel guilty is all. I wouldn’t want them to think they’re not worth it.

Kristen - thanks for your question. I’m ok with different opinions. I know not everyone will feel the same way, and that’s ok. It doesn’t hurt so much as it is just weird.

coconut, how long has he been in for? I think prison does some crazy things to people, and it sounds like he has a touch of mental illness to be honest (I recognize thoughts like that in myself - I never vocalize them though). That all being said, you owe him nothing. Hopefully you have a PO Box or are using not your home address so if you decide to stop writing, he won't be able to find you. Does he have much time left?

be safe coco........

My guess is maybe in his 'prior' life he was taking medication regularly to keep things under control. It might not be a bad idea to speak with his Mom and get a better feel for what's going on with him. I have one pen-pal that if I go a couple of days without emailing back, he will email me to make sure I'm ok. He told me in one of his very first emails that he starts a pen-palship but then for whatever reason it just fades. If I know ahead of time that I will be really busy for the next couple of days I tell him. You might want to suggest to your pen-pal that it might be a good idea for him to branch out and write to others. Also, set up ground rules with him. I know I wouldn't appreciate a phone call at 6am.

Kirsten if you don’t mind me asking how long did it take to hear back from your pen pal when you first started. I sent out a letter via the website and have heard nothing. Just curious thanks in advance.  Kim

Depending on what happens next (my post is here), I might regret it a ton. However, I have so many penpals, that one bad seed is sort of bound to happen, right?

[QUOTE]Kirsten if you don’t mind me asking how long did it take to hear back from your pen pal when you first started. I sent out a letter via the website and have heard nothing. Just curious thanks in advance.  Kim[/QUOTE]

Hi Kim,

that differed actually. All summed up I've written to 6 guys, who all replied back. Which was surprising enough to me, because I don't think I'm everybody's darling & I'm not the right pp for everyone, I guess. Out of these 6 guys I still write with 5, though one of them writes very infrequently. So 4 regulars and one sometimes.

I had everything from a  little more than a fortnight to almost three months. (The long time span because the guy got transferred the day before WAP sent the emails out and it took him about a month to get it at the new facility). But if you used the site's features after the update, I'd not be too optimistic that the letter reached its destination.

Just type and print it and send it via snail mail or just good old handwriting and send it via snail mail to the address that''s given in the profile.

Good luck! kirsten

Coco - I think we might be writing to the same inmate.....

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This could get interesting..

I’d legit dread for this to happen to me lol. 

Right? Lol but I think the guy they’re talking about isn’t from this site, rather, he’s a celebrity.

I’ll tell y’all I only write murderers. I’m not sure many others do.

Without intentionally singling them out, most of my pen-pals tend to be murderers as well. This sounds kind of odd but they tend to be easier to write to then my other pen-pals in for non-violent crimes.

I write to one murderer but the rest are in for non violent offences. 

Where's everyones murderers located?? (man I wanted to do the lol emoji but this'll do lol)

Mine is in NJ. Where are yours? Haha.

I've got a Cali and an IL.

I think Cali has died off though, sadly. He just doesn't leave me much to write about. I don't know how to respond to his angry page long rants about his personal views.

Mine are Minnesota, Maine (I think we might be done writing), and Ohio. 

Without intentionally singling them out, most of my pen-pals tend to be murderers as well. This sounds kind of odd but they tend to be easier to write to then my other pen-pals in for non-violent crimes.