8 posts / 0 new
Last post
KateAndrews's picture

I still Grieve for my lost penpal. Last night has been particularly painful when I eventually fell asleep, I slept only for a few hours.
I regret delaying my last letter (he never recieved) by a few days.
I regret not flying over for a contact visit. I never discussed it with him but was always in my mind to do so.
I am not constantly in grief but sometimes it just appears from no where.
I often think he's enjoying the same walk as I do, that when my fibro flares or I struggle to get through I hear him say get up, get out, get going. When I see a butterfly trail my path ahead of me, its him came down to keep me company.
I know he knows I was there for him.
I didn't expect our time to be cut short. We were nearly two years into our friendship and had many years ahead.

ST4s's picture

I am so sorry. These emotional bonds are powerful, life-changing even, and I am certain you brought light and joy to your friend with every letter. May your butterfly encounters be too many to count.  

Atemwende's picture

I know the words can't mean much, but so sorry for your loss. I imagine such a thing to have been entirely inconceivable. Nearly two years of friendship! My goodness. May your friend find his rest, and may you recover yours.

KateAndrews's picture

Thank you both for your kind words.
I just wish he was still around. Others days I know hes in a better place and finally free. Like a roller-coaster of emotions.

Northernyank's picture

Losing someone is hard enough, but losing them through violence brings it to a whole new level. I'm sorry for your loss, but go easy on yourself. You brought him great comfort in all the exchanges the 2 of you shared. 

Xo50's picture

Sometimes this can be very hard.  Knowing our pen pals are locked up and the violence they face.  I can’t imagine how it was losing someone you were so close with through the program, Kate.  I’m very sorry for your loss.

I do believe in some ways we never completely lose anyone we care about, they’re always with us and we keep their memory as part of ours. They were meant to be a part of our lives.

Kirsten's picture

Kate, grief turning up out of nowhere is so very, very common. I guess, anyone ever losing someone (especially when it was unexpected and violent) has experienced it.

Don't be hard on yourself.

As others stated before (and you as well with the butterflies) I don't believe that ppl who were close to us & are now gone are really far away. I imagine it to be like a "telephone line". A thought from us can let their phone "ring" and since I don't believe there's time in the hereafter, they're "with us" in the instant the "phone rings".

I can't quite explain how it feels to me, especially not in a foreign language, but I hope it comes through anyway. 

ShadeyBiz89's picture

I am so sorry Kate, this the first I've seen of this, don't know what happened with your penpal but he was so lucky to have a great friend like you there for him to share company, time, letters, etc... focus on the happy times you shared with him, I know it hurts terribly to lose someone you love and care about, just be kind and patient with yourself as you grieve his loss, it will take time but you will find a way to live with the loss that is meaningful to you.