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Must read Terms of Service & Privacy Policy and be at least 18

 
Starstruck2110

I started writing a new pp via jpay a few weeks ago. All seemed fine. I had sent him a picture nothing provocative, he complimented me etc and we have been corresponding. I haven't flirted or given off any kind of romantic intention, said about being a friend etc and his profile didn't read like one that would hope for more. Then suddenly later last night I received a very sexual explicit message, I responded  to the messaging not encouraging him and said politely thanks but no thanks, then received another one! Which I ignored. This morning I received a reply apologising for his behaviour, he doesn't want to lose my friendship etc. I haven't replied yet. Im by no means a prude and have other pp's who have been nothing but respectful maybe some light flirting but we've been talking for a while and I don't feel disrespected or it's nothing close to like that message! So trying to think of how to politely say no more or do I need to be firmer! I'm actually quite upset by it. Any help would be much appreciated.


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jen2534

Quick question to add onto this, if your PP makes some comments that seem like they could be suggestive down the line (ie, asking for full body pictures and asking "what does your boyfriend feel about you writing to other men" as a way to ask if you have a boyfriend), is there a good way to stop the behavior without outright saying 'hey are you trying to be suggestive here?" This guy is twice my age, which he knows. Or this might be normal, I'm not sure (still pretty new to this haha).

 
Leesalee

Sounds like the pp i just got conned by. Did u see him on a partucular Netflix show?

 
mowmow222

This sounds exactly the same as what my PP has done recently, I hope it isn't the same person! I wonder if it's just that common that this happens...

 
mjuran

Just be sure that the second explicit letter was sent AFTER he  heard back from you that you didn't like that sort of thing.  It's possible from what you said that he sent two messages in a row before he got a chance to hear your "thanks but no thanks" response.  I use Jpay all the time and it kills me how letters get sent out of order, some take a few hours to go through and some take four or five days.  If I get a couple of letters from my pen pal that sound like he hasn't heard my response to something, it's usually because he hasn't!  Just saying that before you apply the "two strikes and you're out" rule, be sure that it was really two separate strikes.

 
freebird1

We all want to allow for 'off' days and whatever else might influence a pp on any given day. But being inside does not give anyone the right to overstep the mark or boundaries, no matter how shitty the day is. Starstruck you have given him every opportunity to behave and respect. Clearly that's not happening, so why should you subject yourself to such behaviour? You wouldn't put up with it from anyone on the outside, this is no different.  And it is a form of abuse, so let him go, there are plenty of others more deserving and know how to respond in a less selfish and demanding way.

 
Anonymous

I'd walk away if I was you. Just send him a quick message telling him that you're not what he's clearly looking for and wish him well in his future endeavours.

 
Northernyank

You do not deserve to be treated like that, and you do NOT have to put up with it. 

 
Starstruck2110

Thank you ST4s I definitely need to assert myself in this situation and not tolerate it especially as it has upset me

 
Starstruck2110

Thank you LotusBlossom, I don't love his friendship as we haven't really clicked like I have with my other pps but I just continued to correspond as there wasn't really any issue and thought I could be friendly, I guess the indicator was that in every message there was some kind of reference to me being beautiful etc but I didn't encourage or solicit it. If it had been my other pps that had sent me that message I honestly would have laughed about it and told them to simmer down! But this has upset me probably because of the complete lack of consideration of my boundaries. I guess as much as I love JPay, the being so easily contactable has its downsides! So I think you're probably right LotusBlossom and I feel that this may be an ongoing issue and me saying apology accepted means try again another time.

 
ST4s

Do not tolerate disrespect. (cue Aretha Franklin)

 
LotusBlossom

Oh and I asked my friend who went through the same situation with a guy (non incarcerated) and she said sometimes when people do that sort of thing, they apologize, but then do it again, because they're already not good at respecting boundaries so they take the apology acceptance as "well now I'm off the hook and can do it again, a Sorry is a free pass to keep up my behavior."  Just a heads up as something to keep in mind when dealing with this type of issue!

 

 
LotusBlossom

Hi there Star, it sounds like you've been pretty polite and clear that you don't want that but it keeps happening.  It might be time to distance yourself for a bit, if he's having trouble controlling himself, i can see how that would be upsetting and alarming.  I know guys get excited talking to ladies, especially men in prison who don't have lots of ladies around to chat with, but that just isn't a good enough excuse, they CAN figure out how to control their behavior when it comes to respecting someone isn't interested sexualIy.  It sounds like maybe he's pushing your boundaries, thinking maybe he can open it up, maybe if it doesn't work once, he can take an approach then apology and it'll be okay, but there's a really good chance he'll do it again.  
Is he someone you really love the friendship with?  Is him behaving like that a deal breaker?  Because if it's something addressed before he might keep doing it again then adding sorry on the end.  If it was me I would step back to think about things.

Just a side note, I found sometimes having a brotherly/sister friendship can really help a friendship stay good without sex and romance getting in, if that's not what you want, but you still enjoy male/female friendships.  I've heard people say men and women can rarely be just friends but that's silly, it depends on the person's maturity level and maybe your PP is still in his mind, stuck on a bit of horny guy level.  
I'm pretty open with my pen pals, we're not in any relationship with each other, but we can talk about sexuality.  I have my own limits with things and I feel like everything is respected, if there's something I don't want to do I just won't do it, but if someone kept pushing for it I would distance myself from that person, that isn't a very fun or healthy correspondance for me personally!!

I hope things get better for you and you both can work this out and he calms down a bit with any hormonal intentions going on there and also it's really important he respects your space.  Or if you decide it's time to say goodbye, then you made the right decision for your sanity and happiness, and that's what is important.