How to cope with your prisoner's crime

Hi Ann,

for me that depends. I read the ads first and if I like an ad I research the crime and the name on the net. And I've when I was a completely new without any letter ever sent it happened that I liked an ad, but almost had to puke after reading about the crime. Of course I did not write to that guy then. But anyway, without even knowing him, he taught me the first important lesson when writing to prisoners: Set your own boundaries, respect them and make sure they are being respected by your penpals as well, plus respecting theirs.

So I research their names and crimes before. Not to play the know-it-all if I write to them ( I usually don't even mention I researched their name), but to make sure as best as I can that I don't take more than I am willing or able to deal with.

As for the crimes itself: I do not like what my penpals did, but I do not have to. I just have to be able to get along with it without getting nightmares and without thinking: "Oh, that's the one who did XY", every time I get a letter. 

And another thing is how ppl deal with their crimes. One of my pps got a long sentence because while being in a gang fight a bullet hit an innocent bystander. Unfortunately, this innocent bystander was a kid, (who thank God survived and is now a young adult doing college, as far as I know). This resulted in : "aggravated battery of a child" (which he gave to WAP as "crime", too) and that resulted in him getting no mail (or even hate letters) because of everyone saying "I'd never write to anyone whose crime has sth. to do with a child." He'd absolutely never go intentionally and hurt a kid and he's probably the least "violent" one of all of my pps.

I can just tell you: Research the crime before. And examine your threshold, the things you can take or not take. This goes still after you started writing. There might occur situations where you do not want to go on. 

But don't make such decisions lightly - and write a goodbye letter if you do. (Unless the reason for the cut is something really gross being sent or written to you, but I've never had this occur with mine).

I mean, ppl can change. If he says he has changed now, I'd ask him how this change shows- today. I mean, is it just a claim or are there really some actions that show it?

Plus, well, usually ppl aren't born racists.Toddlers to not think in inferiority/supremacy ideology. Stereotypes, biases and prejudices are being taught.

I see it firsthand. I use a wheelchair. And if you let kids come and look, they'll ask. Innocent, honest, curious questions.

"Does that hurt?" "Why do you have your own buggy?" Such things. But they're not prejudiced. Unless you make them - out of your own fear of doing or saying sth. wrong. That's the same with skin color.

So, well, if he grew up in a home where he heard that "white supremacy" ideology all the time - well, what would you expect? That's not an excuse, of course not.

But yes, it happens. And ppl can do horrible things out of fundamentalistic ideological or religious beliefs.

I'd say, it's up to you. Find out where he stands now, find out where you stand and then make a decision you can go with. And should you drop him and/or find yourself another pp, do some research before.   
 

I don't really care about their crime.  Most people on the outside are wretched, only they don't feel bad or get punished for the shitty things they do.  So I don't see a lot of moral distance between them and the rest of the world.

I spent way too much time selecting penpals to write to in the first place - which meant researching their criminal records and crimes.  I'm a fairly non-judgemental person, but I also have my own set of values, morals and things I'm willing to accept in friendships.  All of my penpals have drug convictions, with one an accessory to robbery.

For me, the things I couldn't accept in a friend were crimes against children, particularly violent murders or torture, or identity theft and fraud.  Just reading about the crimes of potential penpals was an eye-opener.  Seeing a friendly smile, thinking "oh they might make a good penpal", only for a few more clicks to reveal they chopped off their infant son's penis, or shot their boyfriend a dozen times in an unprovoked attack.

Don't feel like you have to continue writing to someone if you're not comfortable.  You wouldn't be true to yourself then, and it wouldn't be fair on the inmate. 

It's normal to have a few false starts in the beginning of this - so don't worry about it! And your penpal will have others writing them anyway.  Something that is unacceptable for one person, might be completely fine for someone else - and that is okay.

I'm much the same, and I dont write to people based on what they did.

I suppose that it comes down to perspective; everyone makes judgements every day about all sorts of things and it is not a BAD thing to do as it generally keeps you safe. If this guy has been in prison for a while, and really has changed his outlook, it would be a shame for him to have his past stalk him for ever more and taint everything he tried to do that was positive.But if you're really not comfortable with it, then I'd say you should explain that to him and not just stop writing. Some might say you don't owe him anything, which is true, but if you dont tell him why you dont want to write how can he ever move on?