Hey everyone,
I have decided to write another inmate a few months ago. Unfortunately, I've realized soon that we don't get along very well and tbh, it's a very toxic penpalship. First, I was very happy when I saw his first letter in my mail box, but his letter sent a shiver down my spine.
He wrote very personal questions at the beginning like Do you live alone? How big is your house? etc.
Moreover, he asked me to 'put on my fav clothes or a sexy skirt, then take a picture so I can see the outfit and shoes'.
I felt very uncomfortable and I didn't know what to do. At the end, I've decided to write him that I won't answer his personal questions and I won't even send him sexy pics either. I thought that we could move on, but then he asked me to send him pics of each family member. Moreover, he wants to know everything about my love life. (Do you have a bf? Are you a virgin? How often do you go on dates?)
It's getting creepy and I just want to end this penpalship, but how should I do that?
I mean, it's highly unlikely that he'll show up in front of my door one day, because I live in Europe and he's on Death Row in Texas. Nevertheless, I have a bad feeling about this. How should end this penpalship? Should I send him a goodbye letter? Or should I ignore his letters? On the one hand I don't want to write him at all, cause it makes me feel so uncomfortable, but on the other hand, no one deserves to be ghosted.
What would you do? I hope you can give me some advice.
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I would write him a short letter to firmly explain why I feel very uncomfortable with his questions and would be very precise about the fact that I wouldn't answer anymore after that reply. As you said it so well, no one should be left waiting for a reply that will not come.
Not only it is the correct thing to do, but maybe this will allow him to act differently with the next person who decides to write him.
I wouldn't even bother with that... call up the Polunsky Unit and kindly ask them to put him on your do not write list. That will be the last you hear about that.
I would write a letter explaining to him you’ve already stated you won’t answer personal questions and yet he’s still doing. It not only makes you feel uncomfortable but it’s also very disrespectful and you no longer want to correspond. Wish him well and make it clear as day you will not be replying to anymore letters. If he knows he won’t get a response, it’s unliely he’ll continue writing but if he does, take Frankies advice and call up his unit and explain you no longer want to be contacted by this inmate.
Yeah, I second Thucy and Baby Blue, don't ghost him. Baby Blue gave you just the advice I would, be clear and firm with him and tell him he's making you uncomfortable and disrespecting your boundaries so you no longer want to correspond. As Thucy said, an important aspect of speaking up when you end things is it'll allow him to understand why and in understanding why he can then adjust his behavior so the same thing doesn't happen the next time someone writes him. Ghosting is very painful long term and can create emotional damage that could take years to move on from, yes he did things that made you feel uncomfortable but he's still a human being and deserves some kind of closure if you've decided to move away from him.
May I add a personal anecdote. I have been ghosted (like many of us have) on text messages, IM etc and it's always painful.
Imagine being in the same setting day in day out and not being having the freedom to do something to think of something else and move on. It must be frustrating and frustration can easily turn to violence very easily in a prison setting. Mind you, I'm not saying that inmates are helpless babies, but I do believe that anyone deserves to be treated with dignity and closure can allow someone to understand better what he does and maybe change.
When I got an unsollicited letter from an inmate who had gotten my address from a friend of his, I was initially annoyed and saw it as an invasion of my privacy. I was reluctant at first, but I wrote that guy and I'm glad I did, because I realised he's just very very very lonely. His mum and siblings have ghosted him and he keeps mentioning that all he wants to know is why they did it. Again, I'm not saying that this particular guy doesn't have some responsibility about it, but how can you focus on positivity, keep strong and hopeful for a better future when everyone treats you as if you're disposable ? When you have nothing to lose, you can only turn violent in prison, then keep up the same criminal behaviour outside, which will land you right back in jail soon afterwards.
Hopelesness can only breed frustration and that in turn can lead to violence, thus perpetuating the constant prison drama. I'm not saying I'm going to change the american prison system by writing letters, but if I can lend a supporting ear/shoulder to someone who needs it and give him hope/a positive outlook on life, then I'm happy.
Granted, Nicoletta's penpal seems creepy, but even that person deserves a response, if only to call him out on his behaviour and hopefully make him understand that this is not a way to treat people.
If both his surname and his last name start with the same letter I might even know who that is. I won't give his name out here. But if he is, Nicoletta, than you might just want to google him and read about his behaviour in court. (Not his crime directly, that's cruel enough, but specifically his behavior in the courtroom). You might "understand" his behavior a bit better, then. But you also might have a better idea as on how to end this, maybe even with the same words he used in the courtroom.
Should he be that person; I'd just ask you to be very careful and maybe even to notify not only the prison, but WAP as well.
(And before anyone cries out again, I'd be messing things up: I do have a reason to write this the way I do.
And for the record as well: I'm not for the DP, never have been. But I do hope that this person - if we talk about the same one- never ever gets into the same room alone with a woman. And if he chooses to advertise for pp on WAP, be it so. But I guess, male pp's would be safer.