After binge watching Love After Lockup yesterday I went on Reddit and posted about how I have a pen pal, the show had me shook, etc. Of course everyone dog piled on me and said bad idea, don't do it (have a penpal). Anyway long story short, someone who had an in law in the prison my Illinois pal is in came on and wrote like 7 paragraphs about how inmates have "tons of men and women (guards) to bounce ideas off of on how to write you back so as to manipulate you" and "they read and reread your letters - they know everything about you because you tell them." It just basically left a sour taste in my mouth - like are the men and women in prison who ask for penpals, are they all really doing so to gain something material or like, a home post-release?
For me, personally, IL hasn't asked me for a cent. I've never been advanced on really in a romantic like "leave everything come be with me" way by him. Yes, he's paid me compliments, and yes, we have both acknowledged there's an energy between us. But we've both just said we want to remain in touch for a lifetime as friends. I guess I'm upset right now because whoever that was on reddit with the BIL at the same facility was like -- actually, let me just post what they said and y'all can tell me your thoughts:
My brother in law was in _______ for a long time. He did 40 years so I have had the opportunity to know “from the horses mouth” so to speak the games these guysrun on women and men on the outside. My brother in law had a string of female pen pals that were available to fulfill his commissary money when we couldn’t give it or refused to give it. He also had women he never asked for anything because he was playing the long game - he wanted a woman (or two or three) outside who he could move in with or otherwise use on the outside. Out of every 500 prisoners, there is probably one who is either innocent or who is willing to change. Have you pulled up the court transcripts and info on his case independently of what he’s told you? Go to the library or internet and pull up the news accounts. My brother-in-law has lied extensively to women about his case. You would not believe the stories we have been told as these chicks desperately try to cling to him. We keep telling them - run the other way! Prison is a master class in how to bullshit and manipulate. These guys have a lot of time to devote to making you feel an emotional/romantic connection. The real attraction is that this person is available to you 24/7 and appear to be making deep connections. They also have hundreds of men and female staff to bounce your letter off and figure out the best way to answer you to get an attachment. They read and re-read letters then when talking to you on the phone, appear to know you inside out. They do because you told them. They have outside contacts to research you too and then get sent the information. They know the internet is out there and if they can provide some if yours to their contact.....well, doxng is real now. If it feels too good to be true, it is. Get out now.Let me say my pal has never asked me for anything financially. He's never asked for a visit. I was the first to suggest a phone call. I've asked about other pen pals (and he's done the same with me) and he has told me he has one far far overseas who may not last. I've read the news articles on his crime, and have mentioned that I'd done so. The only thing he's said about his crime was that it was pretty ugly and asked me what I thought. It's gone no further than that. What hurts me the most is the thought that my pal might actually be genuine but now I'm sick over writing to the point where I look back at everything I've written - I see that I've been asked like what my husband's name is, what my kids names are, etc. And after reading what was written by someone on reddit, it just all fits. It feels like it fits - the long con. Next comes "I've been thinking about you all day...."
I just need reassurance (I don't need judgement. I am aware that I need to pull back and keep firm emotional boundaries. I know this. Believe me.) that some of you guys have found penpals that really are innocent or genuine with their intents, and that there's no end game on their part. Surely, out of the millions of people in prisons, not all of them can be bad, thieving, conniving people. Do I approach this with my pal? Do I ask if I'm being scammed? It doesn't feel like it because like I said he's never asked me for money in the ~4 months, but he has mentioned we have an "energy" between us and he "can't stop feeling "this" doesn't know what it is and doesn't want to" and that he "really likes me" but it's never been like "yo leave everything and move 4 states away to where I am so we can be together." ... idk. Argh. What a crappy way to spend the end of the year. What do I do next?
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For clarity, this is what was posted on the other site:
My brother in law was in _______ for a long time. He did 40 years so I have had the opportunity to know “from the horses mouth” so to speak the games these guysrun on women and men on the outside. My brother in law had a string of female pen pals that were available to fulfill his commissary money when we couldn’t give it or refused to give it. He also had women he never asked for anything because he was playing the long game - he wanted a woman (or two or three) outside who he could move in with or otherwise use on the outside. Out of every 500 prisoners, there is probably one who is either innocent or who is willing to change. Have you pulled up the court transcripts and info on his case independently of what he’s told you? Go to the library or internet and pull up the news accounts. My brother-in-law has lied extensively to women about his case. You would not believe the stories we have been told as these chicks desperately try to cling to him. We keep telling them - run the other way! Prison is a master class in how to bullshit and manipulate. These guys have a lot of time to devote to making you feel an emotional/romantic connection. The real attraction is that this person is available to you 24/7 and appear to be making deep connections. They also have hundreds of men and female staff to bounce your letter off and figure out the best way to answer you to get an attachment. They read and re-read letters then when talking to you on the phone, appear to know you inside out. They do because you told them. They have outside contacts to research you too and then get sent the information. They know the internet is out there and if they can provide some if yours to their contact.....well, doxng is real now. If it feels too good to be true, it is. Get out now.
IL_PPP, I understand you ! After learning about the whole gay scam in Kentucky, I was really disappointed and on my guard. Then, like you, I found quite a few posts on the internet about how "dangerous" it is to have prison penpals. Granted, I know there must be quite a few scammers out there and it does make one feel very uncomfortable and cautious, but I think it's easy to understand who is genuine and who isn't. Maybe it's the fact that I'm a literature professor and constantly reading between the lines/analysing, but I don't think I'm being conned. Only one of my penpals must have tried it (in the first letter, there were little hints) but isn't very clever. The first letter was all about wanting to be a gay gay gay husband etc, about wanting to get a TV ( yet in the second letter, he told me he's spent a lot of time watching TV !), but even though he quickly saw he wasn't going to get anything from me, he keeps writing.
The other guys are all decent :
One is straight (so he can't play that game) and never asked for anything ; we have a great correspondence.
One is bi, and has told me that there are quite a few inmates that try to con people, but he's told me he's not like that. I've made it clear that I won't fall into that trap and he hasn't tried to play any games nor has he tried the "I'm attracted to you" card. He's only told me I look good, but mostly talks about himself, replies to I talk about and asks random questions.
The third one works as a carpenter, so I guess he doesn't need the money anyway. I don't know yet whether he's gay or straight and we're just getting to know each other, but he seems decent too.
Maybe there's also the fact that I'm in France, so they know they can't count on me to be there, once they're released ?
In any case, I think the best answer is to take things as they come and be cautious and alert but not paranoid. Why not talk about it with your penpal ; subtly make him understand that you weren't born yesterday and that you're on your guard... Also, if you look closely, you'll either find communities like writeaprisoner, adopt an inmate etc where all prisoners are sometimes presented as almost innocent and cuddly kittens OR internet posts about how all inmate penpals are out there to get you ; there's no middle ground. Surely, the truth is between both extremes ? The posts I've come across are actually quite scary, when you read them you think the inmate is going to escape and fly all the way to Europe just to cut you in pieces lol. Interestingly, they all come from people who are either VERY judgemental or ex cons who did scam people.
In any case, I do understand you, I've been through it ! Happy New Year !
Thanks Thucy, happy new year to you too!
I think sadly everone on that subreddit I posted in (love after lockup) is there for the shitshow that is LAL, and they're all automatically inclined to look down on people like us and prisoners.
In any case, I have 4 years to figure it out.
That's exactly why I'm very picky about whom I'm telling that I'm writing letters to inmates. You'll always & everywhere find someone to tell you what kind of nonsense you're doing.
As for knowing it: Hey, you never know. You never know whether the ppl you meet and get to know are genuine & authentic, but you don't know it with ppl on the outside, either. All you have is your guts, some common sense plus your life experience.
Believe me, being a psychologist, I hear a lot of stories. Were/are all of them true? Probably not. Did I always discover it? Probably not, but hopefully more often than not. Does it lead me to distrust ppl in general? No, not up to now. Does it lead me to distrust prisoners more than other ppl? No. Because, normally, when I get to meet ppl, I give them a bonus. The bonus of the premise that they want to be happy, have friends, want to be recognized for who they are and care as they want to be cared for.
Some might call that idealistic and if it is, then I'm an idealist. But you know what? Many ppl treat me in a kind & considerate way. Have I been used in my life? Yes, at times. Has it made me bitter? No, not up to now.
Just don't think about it to much. If you're being conned your guts are going to give you a warning signal or two. Heed it, that should be enough to not be naive.
Just try to avoid "what if". Deal with it when it comes to you, then it's the time to handle it. And then you'll have the power and the means to deal with it.
As for what the guy wrote: Yes, maybe his brother in law was a scammer. So? Does that make everyone else a scammer, too?
I write to 5 guys right now. Four of them tell me they've got no other penpals. Can I prove this? No. Does it bother me? No. Is it my business? No, it's theirs. The 5th one, my Arizonian one, yes, he has another penpal. Do I know who she is? No. Do I care who she is? No. What they have as a conversation, is their conversation. What we have as a conversation, is our conversation. Could I prove the short story plot he started is his and not "taken by some guard to build an attachment"? No. Does it disturb me? No. Do I know whether he used the same plot when he started the conversation with his other pp? No.
There are things we cannot control. This includes other people's behavior. But I refuse to distrust ppl & life just because of a lack of certainty.
Yes, I might get conned. Yes, I might get hurt. But I might just as well not. Whose risk is it to take? Mine.
Have I been conned? No.
Have I been hurt before by ppl? Bet on it. Did I survive? Yes. Am I able to deal with being hurt, stand up and walk on? Yes. Would I be able to survive further hurt, if it happened? Yes, probably it would not cause me to die.
So, take the risk or leave it, but don't let other people's prejudices, experiences or judgments form your own decisions.
Happy 2019,
Kirsten
Happy New Year everyone!
And sorry to hear of your worries @IL PPP. Unfortunately, reddit is never the most friendly environment for openly discussing such things such as prison penpals anyway. Whenever you post something on there (about anything), you'll inevitably be attacked, ridiculed and torn down in some capacity. Just keep that in mind!
Your concerns are valid though, and while I always knew my penpals have people on the outside, the whole doxxing thing never really crossed my mind. Bit creepy. But I have always kept my personal information fairly close to my chest with correspondence, including use the whole PO Box etc.
Your eyes are at least well and truly open now moving forward with your penpal. I wouldn't really do anything different - not if things are currently going great! Just be more consciously aware of it, that's all, which I'm sure you probably will be now anyway. Not everyone in prison is a bad person - the vast majority have done bad things at some point, but they're not all genuinely bad people or anything like that.
Would I bring up this long con concern with him if I were you? No. Not unless he blatantly did or said something directly indicating he was up to such things. He would probably be quite offended if you just brought it up out of nowhere. Just assume the friendship is a genuine one (until it's not - if that happens down the track). There are some great threads here about identifying red flags and what to look out for - perhaps have a browse around on here? At least then you'll know what to perhaps look out for if you start getting suspicious.
I have never asked my penpals if they have other penpals - I automatically assume they do. Would I care if they got money from them? No. I would never send them money, nor do I think they'd be game enough to ask me. How they manage to survive within the prison environment is really none of my business, nor does it affect my friendship with them.
In the past, there have been one or two penpals (no longer writing them) that have distinctively felt like they were trying to find my weaknesses. A little perhaps that they were trying to work me, by slowly asking for favours etc.
All of life is really one long learning experience - especially this one. So just shrug your shoulders, smile, be aware of the potential pitfalls of writing to someone in a difficult life situation, and continue doing what you're doing! If you need to put up a few emotional brickwalls to prevent yourself getting hurt (or used) along the way, then do what you gotta do! You'll be fine :)
Take everything you read online with a grain of salt. This reminds me of an article about how all inmates are con artists, never to be trusted, out to scam. Likely at least half of this stuff is written by people who've been burned and want to exact vengeance somehow or by people who don't write and think that people who do are weird, are needing a void filled in their lives, and all the stereotypical BS that people say about us for writing inmates.
I have one I know for absolute sure is genuine, likely two actually. You know about my guy, the one I've written for over 4 years. He is about as genuine as I've come across. You can never be 100 percent sure in a correspondence based relationship, but with him I'm as close to that as it gets. It is possible to develop genuine friendships, my rule of thumb is trust them until they give you a reason not to. If they have not given you any reason to suspect anything, then don't go looking for bad spots when there are none because that can destroy the connection you have as well because then you'll start to feel/act different. I will keep in touch with him, when he gets out we'll have almost 8 years under our belt as friends, and see where it goes from there. If he changes on the outside or while on the inside, you are free to cut contact if it becomes toxic, I doubt this will happen with mine, while I can't be sure, he's shown me enough signs to believe in his sincerity as my friend. My rule of thumb is don't give or do anything you can't afford to, and accept what they tell you in general unless there's an obvious reason not to. If you're able to get through issues of things he asks that you don't want to do and he respects you (like mine and I did), then that's a sign right there, people who respect your boundaries even though they aren't in line with theirs are healthy good friends to have. And I also have a girl who I believe is genuine as well, a bit too early with her, but she's shown me alot of the same as him. Very respectful, very kind, accepts my positions on whatever even if it isn't what she wants, etc. That's what you look for, if a friend knows how to respect you during times when you can't/don't want to give him what he wants, and is honest with you about who he is, then they are absolutely worth having, everything else can be worked through.
I hope your IL pal works out, you guys seem to have a good connection, enjoy it and take it as it comes! We'll be here to help and offer advice along the way if you need it!
Thank you to each and every one of you who took the time to reply to this thread. I'm still feeling weary from the reply I got on reddit, but you guys have helped ease my mind.
And you're right - there's no need to create a problem where there isn't one. I really am worried sick over broaching the topic with him because what if he really is genuine and is looking for friendship? I'd be hurt if I were in his shoes and my pal all of a sudden said, after 4 (ok, 3.5) months, "you're probably just scamming me, aren't you?"
At the end of the day, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. He asks for money? I don't have to send it. He asks for other stuff (idk like suggestive pix), I don't have to send those. He starts calling incessantly, I can address it and block as needed. Hell, I don't even have to write back if I don't want to (which, I couldn't leave IL hanging... he doesn't deserve that, even if he is a scammer. Now, CA.... I have yet to reply to his early letter complete with highlighted commissary list sent early Dec...).
Going forward I will need to keep my head on straight and my feet on the ground. Going into this I've always had "beggars can't be choosers" in the back of my mind, so of course he likes the attention, and of course there's affection there - he doesn't have much of a choice (or maybe he does, who knows). So I'll continue to write with the notion that this will never come of anything but a strong and fiery friendship for the immediate future. If it develops into something more post-release (really that means keeping in touch - I can't conceivably leave it all behind and move 13 hours away to Illinois lol) that's awesome, and if not, at least I was able to bring light to someone's life during their last few years of a 20 year sentence.
Anyway, happy new year to you all. If any of you has any experience with friendship post-release, please let me know. I know Zarch does, and I love reading about it. I'm hopeful there are others out there, or at least there will be.
On a final note, I have my first phone call with my Illinois pal set up for next week or the week after that (providing my number, added to his list around 12/20, has been approved). Wish me luck!
I mean.... if he didn't appreciate me and our friendship he wouldn't have had pictures taken "for the first time in almost 16 years" just to send to me, right?? Oh lord but what if he's lying?? LOL ugh
[QUOTE]If any of you has any experience with friendship post-release, please let me know.[/QUOTE]
Not yet. But it's coming closer.
The guy who was the first to reply to me will be on parole in 2019. (If he doesn't do anything really silly in his last few months, that is, but on the other hand, why should he? Got too much to lose right now.)
Of course, you can never say never, but I'm quite positive we'll stay in contact one way or another. May be a bit loose at times (He'll have a lot of things to do when he gets out, new job, housing, re-visiting family, etc, etc), but I don't think we'll lose contact completely. We're not the closest ppl ever seen, but our communication has always been easygoing and just flowing back and forth between trivia & serious, between smiles and questions and answers on a lot of things.
So, we'll just see. But from what I know now, I don't think we'll be out of each other's lives completely.
I might open a new thread, when I know he's actually been released. But it will take a little time still. (That's IL, too, btw).
Kirsten - have you asked him to add you on social media when he's out? Or send texts? How long has he been in for?
You know, I was finishing my letter to my favourite penpal earlier in the day and, thinking about this thread, I started asking myself all kinds of "what if" questions.
That in turn lead me to tell him about a few things in very broad and general terms (instead of getting into details), 'cos I end up paranoid, when I think about all the internet posts advising against inmates as penpals.
Being a rather anxious personality, I worry very easily about everything, even though I'm the first to tell others not to do so ! Thanks to everyone who replied, it helps put everything into perspective and find a balanced position between not trusting too soon/too much and not becoming completely paranoid. :)
So your confirmation bias kicked in and you made some judges. Here's a news flash: The police suck... there are more scammers in the general population, and because the police suck at their job there will be a whole lot more that don't get caught in a large population such as the United States. Here's your thing. You will go through a lot of shitty inmates to met a decent one. Just like everything in life... there are shit people everywhere... not just in the prison population.
@Frankie- can you expand on confirmation bias? Are you saying if I think it’s worthwhile then it’s worthwhile? I mean, right now I’d hate to lose or accuse IL of being a scammer. Nothing that’s really been said or done has raised any red flags.. but like I said I’m very aware that any positive attention to him right now is good attention, and maybe it’s not me, but it’s the attention. And that sucks but it is what it is.
@thucy: I hope it works out for you and your pal!! So you laid down some terms for him? I’m sure he’ll agree to those.
[QUOTE]Kirsten - have you asked him to add you on social media when he's out? Or send texts? How long has he been in for?[/QUOTE]
Sending texts or emails won't be any problem at all. we can use emails via CN even now & we do regularly, in between letters. I don't see any problem in giving him the email directly when he's out.
We might even phone via Skype - we've already talked about the option. He's eager to hear my accent. *grin* Probably I'll forget all my vocubulary at first when I actually hear him talk. I guess, we're both going to be a bit excited. (So, good luck for your first phone call, btw).
When it became clear he wouldn't make his erd (earliest release date, which would've been before now) he sent me a letter. For whatever reason, he put the wrong date on it. Day and month correct, but 2019 as a year. So I joked a bit about getting mail from the future to cheer him up.
His reply was that he hopes we won't cut conversation when he's out, "unless you want to." I told him I would not want to to which he replied he'd always find the time for a few lines or words with a friend.
After that we never addressed it directly again (the accent and Skype thing is mentioning it indirectly, though, of course), but I have no reason to doubt his words.
@Thucy: Honestly, avoid the "what if"s. Really, you don't need them. Use the maths, probalities help in such situations. And if you get along well, you get along well. Why doubt someone who didn't give you a bad gut feeling or any real reason to do so?
@all: very basically put: A confirmation bias means that you're likely to perceive, see, favor and outweigh info that confirms the beliefs you had before. Basically, facts are interpreted in a way that they confirm beliefs that had been existing prior to the newly given information.
If you want to see some examples, there you go: http://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-confirmation-bias-2795024
You went looking for something and you found exactly what you wanted. A reason to doubt everyone you’ve been talking to and everything you've developed with them. That’s OK too so long as you admit. Reddit is a community full of trolls for starters, and secondly, there is a whole bunch of people who will tell you that...
1) Nothing good can come from writing a prisoner.
2) That the reason why they're there is because they're lying, thieving, no good, and in your case they killed someone.
You went looking for all the right information to confirm your biases though and you found it.... Congratulations... You did good kid.
This is what I mean above... On top of this a large percentage of the general population in the United States believe that prison is a place for vengeance where as most other developed western countries believe that prison is a place for reform and correction. Luckily this is not everywhere and its generally in states with a large population of Baptists, Methodists, Mormons, Quakers, and other outlying Christian conservative cults... But then this is one problem among many others that reminds me about what the United States is and why you can't build a country based on a religious persecution syndrome.
@Frankie: you know I love you lol so clarify this for me - you're being facetious with the "you did good" right? It's so hard to tell tone over the internet. So you're saying I f'd up by asking a site full of trolls whether I am doing the right thing, and that I should pay them no mind?
Last letter I wrote to him I asked how much a TV is and how much a tablet is. We'll see what he says back... but he's never asked me for a cent. I sent him $20 voluntarily for Christmas. In his thank you letter he mentioned how he'd put it to good use to get a tablet, and that he almost had all the money but he opted to buy a TV instead because the old one broke, so like an idiot I asked about prices in my response. -_-; I'm sure he'd continue to write me even if I never sent another red penny. He doesn't strike me as the scammy type.
@ Kirsten and IL_PPP : I know there's no reason to doubt this particular penpal, but being an anxious person I always think that something bad is going to happen. I should just accept that I can't control everything, I'd be much more relaxed. I have laid the terms with my second favourite penpal ; with the first one, it hasn't come up, we just "talk" and there's not hints or anything. But you know, every time the "being scammed" topic comes up, I immediately think that the correspondence I have is too good to be true and that these guys are playing me...
In any case, like Kirsten said, I don't need "what if" questions.
You know I love you to, so sorry if this seems like I'm calling you out but, yes, it's a level of facetiousness I often carry around with me that not everyone gets.
I mean, if you want to confirm that writing to prisoners is a bad thing to do go search out the general types of responses you get on Reddit, or Quora, or whatever. There is a million and one posts that will tell you that prisoners are no good scoundrels and particularly that women who write prisoners are no good whores who are looking for the ultimate bad boy to deal with their "daddy didn't love me enough... or perhaps he loved me too much..." syndrome.
I think you can find the price of commissary items online fairly easily. My MWI has asked me for a few dollars here and there but I can pretty much confirm 90% of her back story. That her dad was deep into being involved in outlaw motorcycle gangs... that she's had a falling out with her sister... Who adopted her kid while she was in prison... and that her supposed "good" sister doesn't help her out in any way and neither does the rest of her family... It's a headache... but these are some of the headaches that happen when you get yourself so far involved in writing to someone that it all comes out and when you find out the person you've been writing to is a beautiful soul in a troubled world...
Now I'm not naive nor am I rescuing anyone, if anything it just gives me perspective how someone can struggle so much with nothing, in the middle of the Midwest that they will turn to drugs themselves as a means of making money and surviving. to the point where they get indicted by the feds because of a long list of traumas that led to that point. Unfortunately a human life is pretty complicated sometimes...
Anyway I digress.... I got to this point not because I felt sorry for her... but because she is a beautiful person inside and out and on multiple occasions she's told me I give her too much sometimes and that I don't have to...
There are a lot of people in this world who will spin you bullshit to try to get you to change your world view... don't give into them...
I wish this forum would give us back an edit button.
Hey I am talking to a guy by the name of Donald H at the green Rivers correctional and I just want to know have you talked to him before? I just want to know if he's serious or not.
Listen to your gut and be aware of red flags. Is he selfish? Does he seem genuinly interested in you? Does he ask you for money or something? (That would be a red flag.)
Is asking for money always a red flag though? I mean obviously if they're asking for larger amounts often, but like a little something for a certain food once in a while or if you buy them the occasional book etc, then is that any different to what you'd do for a friend on the outside? Like I'd buy my friend a meal or a drink or whatever on the outside.
@CrystalMaze100, I guess it would depend on the way they asked you. I don't think that asking for money is a red flag though. How long have you been writing to him? My pen pal (now boyfriend) never asked me for a de fir the longest time. I bought him some clothes as a Christmas present. About a month after we started officially dating, I told him it was ok if he asked me for money. By then, I knew that he wasn't using me and I told him that I understood that he doesn't have anything and I like to help him out. They really don't have anything in there and worse than that, they have no really way to acquire money for what they need. However if you've only been writing for a couple of weeks and he's already asking for money, that could be a cause for concern. But no, asking for a little bit of money is not a red flag in my book.
To me asking for money is a red flag. I would raise my eyebrows a bit if my friends on the outside did that as well (has never happened). I happily give money to my friends sometimes (birthdays and such), but I prefer to give it when I want to do so and not because they ask about it or expects it. (Unless there's a special occasion and legitimate reason for them asking, of course.)
I have 10 (!!) pen pals from WAP and not a single one of them has ever asked me for money. They are all very appreciative and respectfull, I know that it's my friendship they want and not my favours. But I have chosen to give money to one of them (so far).
Although I'm new to WAP, I'm not new to the pen pal process. In high school I found an advertisement for a pen pal program and began a friendship with a guy older and in the state of Florida, I'm in Michigan. It lasted until I moved to college and he another part of Florida. I also don't think asking for money is necessarily a red flag.. but I think it's all in the friendship that has been laid down before that. I'm an acquired taste and people either instantly cling or I repel them and we can learn to get along. My few pep pals have been no different. One it was like he instantly had invaded my defenses and it was if we've been friends forever. I mentioned the scams you hear about.. he said he didn't need anything except for me to help with the JPay messages. I gladly agreed and send my response prepaid to every other message. The other told me.. I'm not writing all the time cause I have a budget. I appreciated his candor. But that quickly fell by the waste side.. he messages quite frequently, I also send back prepaid responses. A pen pal friendship is no different than one in real time except for distance and restrictions. It should be about how you feel when reading their responses and how you feel when writing them. Just like if you met a friend at the store and when you were hanging out they constantly asked you to pay.. how would you react? I would treat until I felt that there was an unevenness happening. Time is the best indicator of a relationship is genuine and built on a good foundation. But please oh please don't get paranoid. Just be on guard. Make sure their actions outweigh their words. My dad use to say love is an action word. The love of friendship shouldn't be bore out of unevenness or constant questions.. But out of mutual enjoyment for what that person brings to your life and what you bring to theirs..
I think one telling clue is that when a PP is genuine they'll tell you about their life story and share their thoughts and concerns as well. For instance, if you're the only one opening up then I don't think it's the real deal (and I'd cut it off right away) but with the PP I have now, he's telling me all kinds of things about his childhood. I've also checked his case files online and it all adds up. Just make sure you do your research on the person you're writing to, as you would vet someone's profile if someone you don't know would add you on social media. That's the only advice I can really give you. What my PP also did was directly reply to an email I had sent to him over the phone so I know I have struck gold.
Good luck and stay safe!