So a lot of our prison penpals have experience the SHU at least once during their sentence. One of mine recently had a long stint there due to dealing drugs in prison. She was initially sent to prison for dealing drugs too. I guess 3 years hasn't been quite enough time to shake old habits.
Do any of you here have any tips or advice in dealing with this? I've been non-judgemental about the whole thing. I'm probably slightly uncomfortable with the fact she hasn't made much attempt to change her ways while incarcerated though. Of course a small flipside of this behaviour, besides the obvious, is that it also impacts our friendship due to her going AWOL because of it. Our friendship is great besides all that though - she writes fantastic letters and seems quite intelligent.
I obviously want good things for my friend. For her to realise that dealing drugs isn't a good way to live life. Just not sure how to help, or even if it's possible to in such situations (can only help yourself kind of thing).
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If she wants to continue her “trade” inside, then so be it. If she was my pen pal, and she was a lovely person to me in our correspondence, I’d say nothing on the matter. It’s a different world in there...
Them feels man... I just share my own experiences as someone who used recreational drugs about 15 years ago... No one wins ever! She'll be sent back to the SHU and if she does it on the street again... She'll be sent back to prison... Until she learns that the house always wins you can't help her... I'm coming to this from the point of view of my MWI... We just talk about things and I don't judge her, I tell her I have my own life and that the police and authorities will find out one way or another. I've been close to it in ways I shall not talk about on this forum or on any other forum because its too close to home.
Until she changes her attitude from "I'll never get caught... it wont happen to me..." to "the house always wins..." No one can or will help her. Its all in the head.
To sum it up in one phrase: You can't help anyone who is unwilling to change.
Just because someone is sent to prison, doesn't mean the behaviors nor the addiction stops. I think our job as pen-pals is just to offer a friendship without strings attached, and gently guide our pen-pals to better decision making.
Totally agree with northernyank I think the whole point of being a penpal is not to judge and just be there to help. Davey is right it’s a different world they do what they do to survive not that I saying it’s right or wrong.
So how did it impact your friendship exactly? Did you continue writing letters, but receiving nothing from her? Or you were both not writing to each other while she was in SHU?
If you continued to write to her at the same pace, then you were the only one feeling the impact, not her. Without feeling the impact, she'll have no incentive to quit the bad behavior. I'm not saying that you should punish her, but she should be aware that landing herself in SHU will have an impact on your letter-writing to her. Also, I would mention how her decisions had an impact on you, in a casual way. Like: it really sucked not hearing from you all this time, because I really look forward to your letters. It's okay for her to know how her actions had an impact on you. Maybe at some point it will open her eyes and see how her actions affect the people around her.
@Northernyank and @kellykelly - I have been doing exactly that all along with who I write to. Complete no-strings attached friendship, free of any judgement or anything along those lines. It works both ways and is really great. I guess sometimes it's just easy to get a feeling of helplessness, when unable to better guide your friends to make healthier life choices.
@Zosja - Well, yeah. We couldn't communicate at all while she was in the SHU and weren't able to write each other. It's easy to worry about people you care for when they randomly go "missing". She was frustrated and upset that she couldn't reply back to my letter, which she had read that same day she went to the SHU. We've briefly talked about how much the situaton sucked for us in different ways - fingers crossed she's able to steer away from the drama more effectively in future!
@diver your right it does work both ways it’s hard when you wanna make a difference and can’t ive not experienced that with a prisoner but I have a friend on the outside who’s doing the same.
@GalapagosDiver I had a guy at the drop in centre I go to, to get and receive help. He has psychosis but is an incredibly smart man. The thing is he couldn't see past his psychiatric disability and didn't see that he could achieve anything with the rest of his life. It sucks but sometimes no matter what you say, you wont come up with the right answer. What counts is that you are there for that person in their time of need.
At the end of the day though the only person who can help a person is themselves.
Why does she continues to deal drugs?
My penpal stays in a lot of trouble for fighting and even got transferred to a new prison for it. It's sad but it's his way of life and I don't judge him for it. As long as nothing bad happens to him whether it be a longer sentence or injury/death... I'm fine with it. As for your case, you should just be supportive as long as they're not risking themselves in terms of health or the length of their sentence. After all, it's a different world behind those walls and everyones tactics for survival are different. It's where the big dogs play.
Each to their own. As long as they can deal with the fall back from thier life choices. They make thier own bed in there and I expect them to lie in it.
I don't tend to wish to hear of anything like fights/roits/illegal shanighans. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Doesn't mean I don't worry, sometimes my imagination just runs wild. But I don't necessarily need to be told about it because to me listening to it, means your alright with it. That's just not who I am.
Some of my pen pals want to get into better facilities and have more privileges, so I think it’s best I just keep encouraging the good stuff. They don’t really tell me anything bad. Just that they’re trying to stay out of trouble, I have no clue what trouble they’re talking about and I honestly don’t want to know. Fighting and all that seems so pointless to me, life is too short, and it just creates more problems in the long run. I think it’s best if they’re kept busy with work, exercise, hobbies, etc. A lot of my pen pals are taking anger management/life skills/Shakespeare/dog training/etc. classes which I think is an excellent idea to have in prisons. I just tell them I want to hear about that stuff.