How many people here have 'lost' penpals leading up to their release or shortly after?

This happens quite a lot some people just want to leave prison life in prison and start again. For some people its a means of escaping their own life by not holding onto what they had in prison. You know.... like a bandaid man... rip that sucker off and get rid of it. I know that doesn't help you out directly but I'm just giving you an insight into the way some people think. You can often read too much into it without the years of having experience with it...

This is why I don't like to write inmates with a short time left on their sentence. It often doesn't give you any time to develop a real bond with them.

Ooh this is a good topic - there's been some posts on prison talk about this. People notice their pals get back on social media and start acting rough-and-tumble, etc.

Maybe Zarch will chime in - he's seemed to have a good go with his pal Linda post-release!

Have you noticed any changes take place in your penpals leading up to their release?

Yes, he's getting impatient. ;-) Like a bird waiting for the cage door to be opened. And in a way we're getting closer.

Have you lost penpals once they were released?

Ask me by the end of the year again. Then he'll have been on parole for a few months and then I might know. From how he's acting right now, I don't think so.

At the moment he's just curious about my accent, I told him we'd phone when he's out. 

@FrankieBones - Surely 1-2 years is long enough time to develop a close bond and friendship with someone? It is usually more than enough time for me.  I have some amazing friendships with people that are just months in length, yet feel like we have known each other forever.  I can get the whole wanting to put everything associated with prison life behind them - just a shame that sometimes might included the friendships that helped them through that difficult time.

@IL PPP - Damn, Prison Talk has had some some posts on this? I'd love to see them.  I've tried signing up to those forums twice now.  Both times I never receieved a verification email, so was then unable to use the forums etc.  It sucks. Checked my spam folder and all.  Do you know any way I can fix this? Definitely more keen to get up and running over there due to recent shenanigans on these forums.

@Kirsten - When is your penpal being released? I hope everything goes well for him.  I'll definitely check-in with you again by the end of the year.  I hope you're able to keep things going!

I dunno man hey, I don't think I read a specificity of time in your original post? I might be wrong of course and sometimes am. One to two years seems to be a long enough time to develop a bond with someone and to carry your email/phone number/address or whatever. Readjustment to anything is never the easiest thing in the world... just to make you laugh I spent three weeks in isolation because of a salmonella infection. After a while even that much isolation was starting to do things to my head.

I digress a fair bit but still I have a point... Readjusting to the outside world may make it difficult or inconvenient to send a letter or make a phone call, and perhaps they don't have any money or they have various stipulated parole conditions. I don't know their criminal history either so I can't say. I have had people I've written to completely disappear off the grid though in my time... and its not uncommon at all as a way of coping with what was. You can try to look them up through the regular means and see whether they have a presence on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram so you can send them a message.

@GalapagosDiver: At the moment, he's been given a date in July. We'll see if he'll make it. He thinks he's ready now, but "they" don't. Being in a Re-Entry Center, dates may vary and are handled kind of "fluid". But they're  doing a lot of classes and programmes and CBT and stuff. Since I don't see the reports, I don't know what "they" think is still missing.   
 

@Kirsten I hope everything goes well for you both come July! Strange "they" don't think he's ready yet.  Do you think anything is missing or not ready? Must be frustrating for him being so close, yet not quite there yet.    Hope all those classes, programmes and CBT come in handy!
 

@Galapagosdiver:

[QUOTE]I hope everything goes well for you both come July![/QUOTE]

Thanks. I'm pretty optimistic actually, we've been writing for a little over a year now & except for one letter taking ages (and therefore letting eachother think the other didn't write) we never faced any complications. No conflicts or arguments, just getting to know each other better with time. I think we both wouldn't stop without a reason, though, of course, he'll have a lot on his hands when he's home, so, it'll find a new rhythm/form.

[QUOTE]Strange "they" don't think he's ready yet.[/QUOTE]

Hmmm, I don't know whether that's strange or not. "They" see him in many contexts, I don't. So I don't feel I can say anything. I mean, what do I know how he reacts in situations that might get stressful for him? (to just give one possible example)?

[QUOTE] Do you think anything is missing or not ready?[/QUOTE]

I honestly don't know. I think he will have to face certain difficulties when he's out - and I'm not talking about finding a job (that as well, of course). But I can well imagine him being home and certain people getting onto him. Like: "Hey, cool to have you back, bro. Let's have fun and let's call it a night!" And what they call a night might very well not be the same than what's said in the parole rules. So, then comes the real hard part. He'll have to clearly and firmly say no to guys he'd been on the streets with, guys that replaced some sort of "family" for a while. That'll be the hard part. "No, sorry, I won't come along. I've done my time and it's been hard enough."

If he does, he keeps his parole, but he'll lose a sense of belonging. So, what he'll need is new groups, new ppl to belong to. And they don't fall from the sky like raindrops.

Which is one reason why I believe he won't break up contact with me, cause he has- weird as it may seem with never having met in person - a sense of belonging to me as well. Not in the sense of "come on over, let's see a movie:", but in the sense of mutual care. And I may have a few flaws, but I honestly never had any gang affiliations, so that's safe.

[QUOTE]Must be frustrating for him being so close, yet not quite there yet.[/QUOTE]

It is, but then again, hey... We've all got to deal with life giving us lemons sometimes.

[QUOTE]Hope all those classes, programmes and CBT come in handy![/QUOTE]

Some of these things he told me about are very practical life skills. If these wouldn't come in handy, I don't know what did. They even have to learn how to do their own meals. (It's all prepacked stuff, but they're the one's cooking & sometimes they seem to get pretty creative.) But IL is going new ways with these Reentry-Centers anyway.
As for the therapeutical stuff: Well, I have seen someone becoming much more introspective and self-reflective than before - whatever fruit it may bear on the outside. We'll see.

@Kirsten - Damn, I feel like my nice little message of support was just picked apart in your usual blunt manner Haha You and Frankie make a good pair sometimes.

Sorry, to me it came across as questions you wanted to get answered, so I gave you the answers from my perspective. I don't have to do it, if you rather prefer sugarcoating.

I would've thought we'd done "our job" and that they should move on with their lives just before/after release. I wouldn't have thought about losing them, just that we were both moving on. Then I'd get another pen pal. Do most people here think that they'll be writing to their favourite pen pals for life, even after release? I presumed it was prison pen pals only.

@davey1800 I guess it depends on the individual and how much they approach it as just a hobby.  If only ever establishing superficial, surface level interactions with a penpal, or just "penpaling" for their prison sentence - then sure, ridiculous to think such things will continue on once circumstances change. 

Would be nice to think that in the case of in-depth, well established friendships, things might be different.  Friends being there for the good times, bad times and in between etc.  After all, prison stays are often the easiest part of the sentence.  It's once they're released that things really get tough, with trying to re-establish a life on the outside.  The 76% rate of recidivism in the US (within the first 5 years of release), would perhaps suggest our prison penpals need us most once released.

Galapagos, if they need help and assistance after their release then staying touch would be a good thing. Even paying them a visit to reassure them in person. But my thoughts were based on them going back to their families etc. I suppose though that a lot of them are genuinely forgotten about by their friends and families, especially after YEARS of prison time. I never really thought about it that way.

Yes, you are right davey1800.  So many inmates have either no family support on the outside, or incredibly fractured family relationships.  Perhaps their lack of family was what got them into crime in the first place - finding a sense of "family" in gangs and other such things etc.  Some of their friends, however good their intentions might be, could often be associated with crime themselves - which may not always be the best influence on them once released.  So I think in many ways, it's important to continue that friendship after release :)

Well, I'm pretty new to this and don't know how things will turn out. My two penpals are getting released in three years so we still have time, but I would consider keeping in touch with both of them. One of them especially has reiterated his need to be in touch with people that have nothing to do with prison, so that he can get a different perspective on life, so he's someone I'd consider keeping in touch with after his release. Even though we're still getting to know each other I care for these two guys and talk a lot with them about release and believing they can make it, once free, without falling in the same bad habits : I don't see myself forgetting about them once they're out and I'd be a bit annoyed if they disappeared. 

But we'll just have to wait and see how things go. 

GD - in re prison talk, I created a whole new email address for my prison pen pal stuff and used that. Had no problems signing up. But w my non-anonymous/non-pen pal email, I never got a registration link or anything either.

@IL PPP - thanks for that! Maybe I'll create a whole new email and be 3rd time lucky? It's frustrating, because there are often facility-specific threads over there, which I think would be pretty beneficial at times. 

The closer my last penpal came to his release, the shorter his letters were. He kept saying he wanted to stay in touch after he got out, but I haven't heard from him since. Which is fine and 100% what I expected. No matter how good of a friend you were to them, they have so much going on in their lives and I understand that their old penpal is the least of their worries. It might be different for some people but I have had a few penpals that got released and I'm not in touch with any of them anymore. 

@IL PPP - Yay! Following your advice, I created a new email and it seemed to work for whatever reason this time.  There's so many forums there - kind of overwhelming.  Might take me a while to figure it out.  Do you prefer them to here?

@queenofdisaster - It was really interesting to read your story.  It so far mirrors my experiences.  Gradually shorter emails, then longer in between replies, and then abruptly nothing.  Nor any acknowledgement of a follow-up email I sent weeks later too.  I don't expect to hear anything more, and I'm fine with that.  I just hope she does well once released.

This is funny to come across, I got a story. I've never written someone up to their date... until now.

I have a PP I have only been writing since October who got out, she was approved for parole shortly after I wrote to her but still said keep in touch because I'll be here a couple more months before they actually parole me, so we did, and I just received her letter with the new contact details of wherever it is she has to be for the next 6 months, some sort of halfway house/residence type thing... so by now she's been out for a couple weeks and we are going to keep in touch on email out here and Facebook... I mentioned something about how busy she must be and that if I'm not a priority now that she's been granted parole I'd understand... and she came back with, ''Please don't think so little of me, I will continue to reach out and keep in touch with you once I'm paroled''... she's been true to her words.. so we'll see what happens!

I'd imagine most are the way others have described... and we have to understand, even though it sucks to lose the friendship, ultimately what matters is they succeed on the outside... they either can't keep up due to life transitions or aren't willing to because they may associate us with prison... so in my mind, writing them while they're incarcerated helps them through a difficult time, but anything beyond that is a bonus, you hope for it and at times it will happen, but it doesn't always materialize! I think it depends on the person and how they view friendships formed in a situation like that, some people say ''if you're there for me now during one of the darkest times of my life then I could never forget about you'' (my AZ guy likes to say this, I'm particularly interested in how him and I do after he gets out, and he is a few years away from release himself)... others don't see it that way, they want to leave prison behind and all that is associated with it... either way, it's understandable!

I just find it interesting how this girl, her and I aren't very close but she still is very interested in corresponding with me post release while she works on getting her life together... we'll see where it goes, LOL! I usually don't write people close to their release, this was some sort of an accident... but yeah, I try not to expect anything of any of my pals, because they're as much in control of if we remain friends as I am! 

I have one two year penpal coming up for release next month and we do snailmail less. He said he'll be in contact once he's out. He's from Oregon. I don't think he'll go back in. I just hope he sends a Christmas card every year. Small ask I think. I've never intended to continue correspondence past thier release. My intention is to get them through thier years with a little bit of input from the outside world.
My other penpal got moved to a work release program in December 2018, and has since absconded which means when he gets caught he'll be back for a further 5 years plus whatever else he catches from the escape. I'm furious at him. He had it all going for him. Esp after the bad news of last month.
Its like a soap opera box for me at the minute. I am constantly checked websites/news/inmate searches for info on the rest of them incase something else happens. You know what they say things happen in threes.

So, count me in on this topic. I did lose a penpal, the one who just got paroled, however, we hadn't even written for 5 months, so it's really not a big deal and I kinda figured it wouldn't work well. She's got a huge life transition ahead of her after having spent almost 27 years in prison. 

She wrote me right before she paroled asking for an email/Facebook/phone number so we could correspond faster and more consistently... I wrote her back and give it to her (email and Facebook)... she sent me an email checking in and then I replied to it asking how she was doing and just said tell me more when you get a chance... then she vanished.... dunno what the point was of asking for all my info if you're not going to use it more than once but okay... nothing on my Facebook is something a friend wouldn't want to see so I dunno, she either got too caught up in her own stuff or didn't like something she saw... I sent a couple emails so she had to have received them...

I kinda suspect maybe it's because I don't identify as gay and she does (she told me about that in a letter when she first wrote me, nothing else sexual just that she's gay), maybe she wanted someone to build with that way and if that's the case, it's definitely not me, I don't identify that way... I was okay with it, I have friends who are gay in my personal life and I'm okay with writing someone who is provided they don't force anything sexual on me... that's literally the only thing I can think of, but if a rupture like this happens better for both of us that it happen now when we don't know each other well yet than to have it happen after a longer time when we are more attached to the friendship. If what I suspect is right, then it's better for us not to be in touch because I don't see her that way and if that's what she wants is a life partner, then no matter how long we correspond that's never going to happen. So anyway it's been almost 6 weeks... So I sent her a short note and said I'm unsure what happened but it seems like you've changed course, I understand and I wish you the best as you begin your transition to free world living. I don't expect to hear back. It's more puzzling than anything else, I'm not overly upset about it because I hardly know her. 

This is interesting, considering I don't have alot of experience with pals who have been released. Makes me wonder what will happen with the two I am close to and actually have strong connections to.