Hi all,
I’m in a bit of a situation here. I don’t know how to stop writing one of my pen pals.
This penpal I write in particular is very pushy and quite frankly it makes me feel uncomfortable, I don’t enjoy writing them anymore and I feel a lot of pressure from them as I’m the only person they write – through their own choice, may I add, which is again where a lot of the pressure comes from. Writing them just gives me anxiety and it’s like this big weight on my shoulders all the time because this person just doesn’t make me feel good, it’s not a good vibe. It’s getting to the point where it’s becoming obsessive and I understand that it’s lonely in there and therefore inmates latch on quicker, but this is different. My life has also become so busy lately I barely have time to write (personal things I won’t go into) but I really struggle to consistently write these days as my letters usually take hours and I just simply don’t have that time anymore – I always ensure I dedicate sufficient time to writing but for my own sake I cannot spend 3 hours writing a letter to somebody I don’t even want to converse with anymore.
If they had outright done something that would ‘justify’ me telling them I can’t write to them anymore it would be okay and I would feel less guilt about doing it however, this person is very subtle and it’s little things they say and do rather than obvious things that I could list to them. The whole thing is just unhealthy and I need to part ways with them because my feelings are just as important as theirs and I don’t feel good at all. I’ve written to inmates before who are of course lonely and depend on people on the outside for comfort and this situation is not the same thing.
The easy answer would be to just tell them what I’ve written here but I know they won’t understand where I’m coming from and like I said, I’m the only person they write to, I know it won’t be as easy as telling them I feel uncomfortable and therefore need to part ways. I know I haven’t explained myself very clearly here but I don’t want to go into detail as that’s not fair on the other person – I still have other penpals that I write to and this is the first time I’ve ever felt the need to ‘stop’ writing one and I don’t know how to go about it. I don’t want to upset this person but it’s become very clear to me that it’s not a good idea for us to stay in contact anymore however, I know they would think (and argue) otherwise.
Any advice would be appreciated
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Yes, it's a complicated situation. Since you don't consider it appropriate to speak directly, perhaps it would be best to tell a white lie, something like I have got a new job that will absorb a lot of my time, so in the next six months it will be impossible for me to write to you. There is the possibility that he will contact you again after that time, but maybe that will distance him or make him understand that you don't want to keep a frienship with him. It's a little cruel, but it isn't good that you suffer stress because of a relationship that you don't want to maintain.
If I were you, I'd tell the person what makes me feel the way I feel.
I once got a letter from someone which, to me, felt quite manipulative. Not really openly the "Hey, I'd want you to do this or that", but the more subtle hints trying to give me a bad conscience because of not sending money and such.
I just pointed it out. I quite frankly told him that his "hints" sounded to me like manipulation and that I was not willing to send money to him. I told him he could take it or leave it, but that he would not change my acting on that.
I didn't hear back from him and that's okay.
Tell him what makes you feel uncomfortable, that it is not about "being wrong" or "being right", but just about feeling okay with each other and with each other's conversation - and that you don't have that feeling any more. And that you wish him the best of luck in finding someone else who might better suit his interests and be more on his wave length again.
One of my pps has a terrible fear of abandonment, to an extent that his "clinginess" almost puhed me into quitting the writing.
But when I noticed the mechanism, I realized that it was an old plate to be played again. So I told me how certain thingscame across to me and how it made me feel. And I asked him how he felt, acknowledging the fact that he, (being incarcerated for a longer while and having a while to go) has his experiences with letter hoppers.
Out of that came a conversation, that was not easy, but quite straightforward and in the end it cleared things and (in that case) strengthened and deepened connection between us.
While this is not what you want with that guy, I'd just recommend you to be as honest as possible. You do not have to reach consent on how you view your conversation or your contact. But it's fair to point things out when saying goodbye.
Good luck,
Kirsten