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Pixnini

Hey guys,

I have a new pp and I feel like he is a bit too intense. He says he really likes me and that he is in love with me. It's just been a few days and I told him that I am not looking for a boyfriend. Nonetheless, he keeps stating that I am the one for him. He wants to call me too, but I don't want that right now. In 9 out of 10 messages he brings it up and I have to tell him over and over that I don't want that for the time being.

Next to that, the frequency he wants to communicate in is too much for me. With my other pen pals it is once a day or any other day; however with him it is more around 20 - 30 messages a day. I told him this and he told me that I should stop writing my other pen pals then. He did offer to pay for my stamps, but I obviously won't accept that. I also told him that I would never ghost my other pen pals.

The thing is, he is truly nice guy but I do feel pressured and he brushes that off whenever I bring that up.

Do you guys have any tips for me?

 
Pixnini

Thank you everybody for your advice. It went naturally, since he overstepped the boundaries again. I had it and realized that being nice about it doesn't help. I decided to be very direct about it. I basically told him that it is better if we stop communicating, since he doesn't respect my boundaries. I got a few messages of him apologizing and begging me to write him back, so I might just give him a last shot to modify his behavior.

@bread with crust; the reason why I want to give him a shot, besides him being nice in general is because I feel like he needs a positive influence. From the amount of conversation I had with him, I could gather that he always had a certain type of people surrounding him and taking advantage of him. I just want to offer him a genuine friendship with no other motives attached to it.

@wildflower I will look for your topic! :)

 
Anonymous

You need to walk away from this person ASAP.

 
wildflower_

@pixnini please believe what @st4s said! That small statement is so damn true! I used to have another username on here that was lovebabe and the last question I asked was titled “Advice and opinions please I don’t know what to think?” Read that if you have time. That’s the situation I put myself in because I didn’t have boundaries for myself and let a person disrespect me. I’m not saying our situations are the same but that’s just an example of the outcome of not following my heart and gut when I knew things weren’t right. And let me tell you feeling flattered in the moment is not worth the aftermath of disrespect. It only gets worse. 

 
ST4s

Do not tolerate disrespect, even if it's disguised as flattery.

 
Taurus_ISTJ

You have a new penpal who you feel is too intense. It has been only a few days but your new penpal is espousing feelings of romantic love, and (in disregard) continues to do so, though already you have told him you are not looking for a boyfriend. He longs to speak with you on the phone, which you are not yet comfortable with, and have expressed as much to him, yet penpal is steadfast in continuing to try to persuade you to speak with him on the phone, to the point you feel forced to have to repeat yourself over and over (which does not feel nice for you). Since beginning your correspondence, your new penpal sends you an overwhelming amount of messages, the frequency of which you are beginning to feel burdened by and seemingly not confident in your ability (or desire, it seems) to upkeep. And his solution to the overwhelm you have felt has merely been to isolate yourself from your other penpals, but for you this was not (is not) a solution that was (is) going to work. 

In closing, he is truly a nice man though, you say. 

 

Alright, so now, what is keeping you here? Something holds you to him. What is it? Is it that he is nice? Do you... pity him for that, and wish to stay out of pity felt? Or is there something you truly find interesting or even enthralling about him? 

But most importantly of all, do you right now feel this is a penpal correspondence you will still want to be in a year from now? 

 
VioletGrey

Agree with @Northern and @wildflower and everything they said. Very good advice there.

I always think of these things as if they were happening to me by one of my "real world" friends - If someone was constantly texting me that many times a day, or pushing me to disregard the boundaries I set for them, then they'd get their number blocked after that one chance I gave them to modify their behaviour. Boundaries aren't to hurt other people, they're to protect ourselves. So when sommeone that doesn't respect your boundaries isn't understanding of that, or is acting simply to please their own desires, you've got to make sure you uphold what you need to feel safe and respected. 

It doesn't sound like this person is respectful of any of your wishes and red flags popping up so early isn't a good sign of a fruitful friendship to come. Word it firmly and compassionately, and tell him since you're not on the same page that you're going to have to move on from the friendship. And keep writing to your other one, that seems to be actually a nice guy :) 

 
wildflower_

If it doesn’t feel right and it makes you feel uncomfortable end the pen pal relationship. Especially if you’ve already told him how you feel and he’s not listening and or respecting that. Coming from someone who rushed a pen pal relationship to a romantic one and ignored my gut feelings about things I can tell you that intuition never lies and like the other person stated if you’re here asking for advice that’s an indicator for sure you know what needs to be done. I know it was for me. 

 
Northernyank

If he was truly a nice guy he wouldn't disregard your feelings. If he was truly a nice guy he wouldn't want you to give up your other pen-pals. He hasn't learned to respect you nor your boundaries. In all honesty, I'm not sure you're the right fit for him because he is clearly searching for more than you want to give. Since you've come here, I think you know your gut is telling you something isn't right about this new penpal. You've stated to him what you are looking for and what you aren't and he still isn't listening. Its not your job to correct him, nor should you stay in any type of relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable. 

I'm not a fan of ghosting but also not a big believer that you owe anyone an explanation. You have 3 options here. 1. Be honest and let him know he's crossed some lines that you have already previously spoken on, and now you're done. 2. Give him 1 more shot and let him know this is his last chance. 3. or 3 (the option I hope you don't choose) and that's not saything at all to him. 

Remember you are worthy of respect.