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I think my PP is really bored in seg

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LotusBlossom
LotusBlossom's picture
I think my PP is really bored in seg

A few of my beloved pen pals are in LD/max/seg, some are in general pop.  One of them in seg is pretty bored, I think.  He's the new one who I found on a different website and he asked me after we've been writing for a couple letters if I could ever see myself marrying him one day, he's getting letters from his friends on the outside who are all getting married, and of course we're just PPs which he knows but I think he's totally bored and just kind of letting his mind think up lots of "different" life scenarios.  He phrased it in a way that made me feel bad like "would you ever give a person like me with a record a chance if we had met under different circumstances" and of course I told him everyone makes mistakes in their youth, I don't judge people for their pasts, but I didn't wasn't being a PP to seek a person to marry (which he knows), and right now he had to focus on getting into a lower security level, getting into a good program because those were his goals.  I think he just needed a little build up, TBH.  He refuses to let me pay for postage and he said he wanted to pay for calls in the future, so I don't get remotely any impression he's looking for a romance scam here, I know very well he doesn't actually want marriage with me, it didn't come across in a remotely realistic way.  Do you all think he was just looking for a bit of reassurance as a person and I read that situation right ?  Bc I didn't get any sense he was actually being serious.  Thanks for your wise counsel as always.

 

VioletGrey
VioletGrey's picture

Uh I'm not sure about my wise counsel... but I can offer an opinion based off of what you said :D 

If it's only been a couple of letters and it's stark out the blue then maybe he's just sounding ideas off you as a way to keep his brain occupied and maybe even create some excitement. These things are always really hard for me to gauge since we don't know the context and what else was said, but you didn't mention an other flirty type comments so I think you're right about him just trying out some fantasies for size. If you've already told him you aren't looking for a romantic relationship then maybe reply as you would if it was just an off the cuff comment and then see how the next letter sounds, whether there's anymore marriage/romance/flirting. 
I always kinda have a little giggle when people say "make sure your PP knows your boundaries from the beginning" but with my PP I told him my boundaries, told him I wasn't going to be romantically involved, strictly just pen pals, and he respected that but gradually our connection evolved and changed and those boundaries weren't relavent anymore. Which isn't to say don't set boundaries, or that they serve no purpose. More to the ever changing way of life and how we felt in the past isn't always how we're going to feel in the future. And also that the future is so unknown, we don't know how we're going to react when we reach that moment. I hope that's not confusing. And was just meant to be a little aside about how relationships change over time. 

It sounds like you could be right about him just needing a little boost of confidence or a confirmation that there is hope for him in the future when it comes to romance. No one would like to think of themselves as a lost cause. I'm sure you've handled the situation delicately and with kindness anyway so you probably don't need our advice!

Bread with crust
Bread with crust's picture

"I always kinda have a little giggle when people say "make sure your PP knows your boundaries from the beginning" but with my PP I told him my boundaries, told him I wasn't going to be romantically involved, strictly just pen pals, and he respected that but gradually our connection evolved and changed and those boundaries weren't relavent anymore. Which isn't to say don't set boundaries, or that they serve no purpose. More to the ever changing way of life and how we felt in the past isn't always how we're going to feel in the future. And also that the future is so unknown, we don't know how we're going to react when we reach that moment. I hope that's not confusing. And was just meant to be a little aside about how relationships change over time."

Very wisely said, VioletGrey. 

Northernyank
Northernyank's picture

Sounds to me like you've read the situation correctly. He might be spending a lot of time reflecting and wondering what his life on the outside holds for him. He sees his friends all getting married, and I think he wonders if someone can look past what he's done, and love him for him. He might be just looking for some reassurance that he's worthy and that his future is promising. 

Whiskey2316
Whiskey2316's picture

I spent 2 years in ad seg and let me tell you, your mind wanders and you should try to write them more frequently and send cards that will support them. Its difficult for your mind to stay positive when you have no human interactions. You could also send them a book on a foreign language to study and learn because in solitary your learning abilities kick in on overdrive. And something to occupy their mind like that will keep them from going crazy and having a break down.
 

LotusBlossom
LotusBlossom's picture

Thanks all, and thank you Whiskey for letting me and the forum know a bit more about your experience in seg, I find that is very helpful when people who have gone through that experience themselves can provide some insight and ideas!  I'll look into a book of learning languages and send some extra mail.