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MackAaron

Hi Everyone,

I recently started writing to my first pen pal. I was excited and shared my enthusiasm with two of my coworkers who immediately shamed me. They started with the judgey questions right away.  "What did he do?" "Did you give him your address?" "You better not send photos" "Thats scary" "Arent you worried he's going to come find you when he gets out?" etc etc etc. I told them it sounds like a lot of people send their penpals photos of themselves and their families and the outside world if they are comfortable doing so. They could not believe it. Abhorred is literally the best adjective for their response.  They talked to me like I was some child making the biggest mistake of my life. I was so embarrassed I even told them. I told them incarcerated people are not bloodthirsty psychopaths who are going to get out of prison and come stalk their penpals and that I wasn't going to share any personal information that could put me at risk of any type of behavior or action that I didn't want but the damage was done as soon as I said I was writing to an inmate. They made it seem like I was doing something "dirty." Like being a female and writing to a male pen pal cant possibly be non-romantic. I am married. I have four kids. I tried to explain to them that it was strictly a friendship via letters. I dont know what I expected. I guess I forget sometimes that a big part of society does not see prisoners as human beings. 

I won't be sharing my pen pal experience with people in my life again. Has anyone else had experience with being shamed over communicating with "strangers in prison" as my coworkers put it...? 

 

 


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MackAaron

I just got back to this post and wanted to thank every one for their responses. I read all of them and feel so much better just hearing from others who write to incarcerated individuals and understand. I also appreciate the suggestions to consider other people's perspectives and to use this as an opportunity to educate. I am absolutely going to share my experiences when the situation is right again. Thank you guys!! 

 
mjuran

I think a lot of people have negative preconceptions about people they don't know who have been convicted of serious criminal offenses.  This is mostly a product of lack of familiarity and lack of curiosity, and social conditioning.  And human nature.  Some people are free with voicing their opinions and criticisms, and some refrain.  And then there are also a lot of people who are more curious than not, and who are simply...intrigued to hear that I know and write letters to people in prison.  They might express skepticism, or have questions, or concerns for my wellbeing...but they aren't averse to the idea in general and are open minded about it.  Those are the people I don't mind talking to about my experience as a pen pal, and it often ends up being an interesting conversation for both of us.  I avoid the former group as much as possible, that is, those who respond with knee-jerk reactions like "What on earth are you thinking, and why would you want to have anything to do with those people?".  How to tell which is which?  Generally I avoid discussing it with acquaintances and business associates or anyone I don't know well enough to gauge their reaction, until I have some clue about what to expect.  And hope that the people close to me will react well, or at least keep an open mind for my sake.  

 
Lady_TaTas

Mack.. First welcome to the WAP Family.. Taking on this type of life changing thing isn't easy, but can be so rewarding. As far as judgement.. I haven't experienced it personally. I was fortunate that my BFF and Sister have fully supported my decision to participate in the pen pal program, though I must admit they had reservations. When people hear inmate, they automatically think the worse, because think about it, there is never a news story about positive experiences with inmates. They are always negative.. and so since most people go their lifetime only experiencing inmates on the news.. they are ignornat to the people in our prison system who made a mistake but have grown so far from that person today.  My response back to the finger waggers is... Everything in this life is a risk, a job, our homes, a date, driving, medications. Nothing in life is without one.. but we never allow those risks to deter us from giving any number of things a try. You are giving pen pals a try.. you might have a great friendship blossom, you might have it faulter.. but how is that different then if you met a guy at a movie and started talking to him and it faultered. Remind them that at least you know exactly where there person is, what they look like, and what crime put them there. That's probably more information then mosts peoples last blind date. Don't get discourage, and remember, now that you have joined the WAP Family we are there to help keep you focused on the adventure you  decided you wanted to race.. and not the nay sayers on the side line.. Good luck!!!!

 
UGK

Not yet but I'm just getting started on this site. I'm not even sure how to find pen pals yet.

 
Carmen163

I'm sorry that this was your experience. For me it's always a bit of a shock if I'm exited about something and people are negative about it. So I can totally understand you were taken aback by their response and felt like a child that did something wrong. 

Of course I don't know how you and your co-workers usually get along, like if you have somewhat the same morals and standards? Because if you do, it might be worth it to have this conversation again. I mean, it also sounds like they were a bit protective over you, so maybe they are worried about your safety. 

When I told one of my friends, she said: "Be very careful not to get romanticly involved". And for a split second I thought: "you cannot possibly think I am writing because I want a partner?" , you know, in a very offended way. But because she is my friend, I could immediately see that she is worried for me. She is right, it would be very frustrating and difficult to be romanticly involved with one of my pp's. And she is even more right than right, one of them is so wonderful and amazing, that he is becoming more and more of a special friend. 

What I am trying to say is that maybe you can see a bit of concern for you in your co-worker's reactions. Which is sweet, maybe not totally appropriate, but nevertheless sweet.  

I never got any negative reactions and I've told quite a few people. Someone said: "I really don't understand why you are doing this." and that's fair enough, we sometimes don't understand someone else. However, I do notice that a lot of people are very intrigued by it. They always want to know why they are in prison and they are always very shocked when they hear they are on deathrow. But like SidheEire, I can relate to their crimes (one of them even has had his sentence overturned), so I don't mind telling about it. 

The most bizarre thing was this: I am a member of a womens club and one evening I told them about my pp's. The next week two women came up to me to tell me about some newsarticle that was deathpenalty related and that they wanted to share with me. It felt a bit like I was a link to 'the American death penalty system'. A bit like when you are Jewish and you are a link to WW2 and it's horrors. 

Of course it is up to you, but I would find it a pity if this experience would stop you from telling other people about it. Because how else are people going to learn that it is possible to have good friendships with prisoners? That most of them are just ordinary people, who made some bad choices in their lives? And how else are you going to experience that there are sometimes very unexpected, positive reactions? Like I had with my 82 year old aunt, who told me she was proud of me for doing this. I'd never expected her to say this to me and I really cherish it. 

 
MDOC.Graduate

I'm in a much better place now and I'm happy.  I'm lucky enough to have stayed in touch with my bunkie since we seem to be the only ones who stayed out and we're always there to talk each other off a ledge if neccessary.  I actually found it healthy to get out of the house and spend some alone time fishing, taking a hike, whatever.  I just spent the last 7 years living with 250 guys 24/7, so peace and quiet was more than welcome.  I found that women would often equate that with rejection and relationship failure ensues.  It's not all doom and gloom but we probably have down days more than the average person.

 
MackAaron

I cannot even assume to understand your position or perspective but I want to at least tell you that by closing yourself off from the world you are letting society win. There are good people in the world who know you are so much more than your mugshot and the crime you committed. I do know that it is incredibly hard to be judged by strangers and snuffed by employers, previous friends and the general public but you have allies and your experiences inside and outside of prison are valuable to others. 

 
MackAaron

Thanks Sasanka. I guess I can be a bit naive. Not everyone has the capacity to see humanity in everyone, even those of us who are incarcerated. If I share my experiences again in the future I think I'll be better prepared to educate people who respond negatively. 

 
sasanka

Hi! I think there's definitely stigma against doing that. I'm also a married mother of one, and nobody knows I write prisoners except my husband, few close friends and my therapist (because it came up in a general chit chat). Many people truly dehumanize prisoners, and many people also have a problematic approach to male-female contact that is just friendly. Writing to male prisoners I assume there might be flirting from them, but I also know that as a grown woman I am more capable of drawing appropriate boundaries when needed. This forum is good to connect with like-minded people. 

 

 
MDOC.Graduate

And people wonder why us "bloodthirsty strangers" that got out, isolate ourselves in dark rooms for days at a time while the shadows start creeping in.  I thank you for your kindness and generosity for taking the time to care.