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Jeanne555

Hello, have you had a penpal who was released and you realized that he is nothing how you thought he would be?
My favorite penpal was released recently and I am very happy for him. We connected on social media and exchanged couple of messages. I started looking at what he was posting and the stuff he posts is nothing how he was in his letters. In his letters he was so sweet, not swearing, attentive. Now he is posting about hooking up websites, using slang like he never did in his letters. I can't help but feeling a little disappointed, the whole image I had of him was shattered. It hurts a little to think that he was pretending to be this sweet cheerful guy when in reality it was all an act. This is what I liked about him is that he was so positive and upbeat and now this guy is gone somewhere. I also thought that our call out of prison will last at least an hour, I thought he would have a lot to tell me about his first day but it lasted only 15 mins, he just had nothing else for me to say. If I think about it, I did what I had to do and brought him from point A to point B, I did my job, he is free now but he promised that I got a friend for life and I am not sure if he meant it or not. I felt like writing him that he is nothing who I thought he would be but that is not solving anything, I don't want to be mean to him, I want to be supportive and encourage him to have a better future. It stings a little. Any advice on how to be supportive and navigate this new side of a penpal that I've never knew existed?


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Jeanne555

I should mention that I had my call with my penpal just now. It went well, he didn't realize that he hurt me by being different, explained that he did not pretend but on paper can express himself better than in real life and promised to do better by me and find time to catch up with me. Also said that he will keep distance from people with the dark past unless they will change their ways for the better.

 
Jeanne555

I will definitely join :)

 
Kirsten

I will respond on the other thread on that, as there are some news. But yeah, you know... you just keep your head up. And if you hadn't another one already, I'd have recommended someone to you (who has a soon to be expiring profile on here) but go ahead with who you've found.

Good luck and if you need to talk more privately, just holler to Freebird. There's an alternate place with both a group chat and private ones and some of the most regular posters from here are building a safe haven for ppl who are penpals to prisoners and want to share what's on their minds. We're seven ppl as of now, so if you want it really close-knit, deep and with privacy, you might think about joining us. ;-)

 
Jeanne555

Hello Kirsten, thank you for your reply. I read your post today about your situation with your long term penpal and was wondering how you were feeling. In a way my feelings were a little similar to yours when it comes to thinking whether we really knew our penpals. To be honest I spent one day crying just because I was grieving the loss of the friend I thought I had.

But I realize that I was a little selfish, expecting the same kind of attention I had before. I will take more bystander approach and will stop expecting anything. This is my first ever penpal who is being released so I've never had to be in this position before.
You are right that we've came from different worlds with our penpals, my penpal even moved away after the release to get away from it all. I just hope he will be more selective in people who he lets get close to him. He was calling me a good friend before and I kind of expected to fall down in the list of his priorities just did not realize how quickly this change will happen. It hurted a lot to realize that I am essentially a nobody to him but after this penpal experience I was hoping I would be a little less than a nobody. We will have a call today and I will try to be supportive but also will address some of my concerns. I really appreciate your input and it helps a lot to be able to discuss this with people that understand and not judge. Thank you so much.

 
Kirsten

* We don't love and live there. (want an edit button)

 
Kirsten

Hi and first of all: Welcome back, Jeanne! Been a while, missed your conributions around here.

That two personalities or rather (being contradictory and having very different sides to one's personality) is probably true.

Sometimes there is a street personality with a lot of gang or gangsta stuff style going on. A lot of being strong,being manly (or what THEY perceive as such ;-) ), being whatever. But that doesn't mean there is no other side or what they showed to a pp was wrong or not there.

Maybe he let his guard down to and with you he never could with his "street bo's", you know. And don't forget: For many of these, the street is "family", as either they never had "family" (in the white middle class picket fence sense) or it abandoned on them.

And of course, when they get out, these are the ppl they turn to, they're are there, maybe not emotionally, but just LOCALLY, you know. We on't ly ove and live there. We don't get excluded from housing, work, healthcare, etc. These are the bonds they HAVE, the ppl that are with them. Whether they are for them is another question, but they are there.

And these ppl have their own expectations, you know. They want to meet and greet and call it a night and sometimes (not always) what they call a night might put a newfound freedom to danger. It takes a lot of stamina to navigate and it can lead to tremendous inner and outer conflicts.

Don't fuel these. Be a gentle, friendly bystander. No one says you've gotta give up your own values/standards, but don't force him to live by them, neither. Don't force him to decide between these worlds, help him to navigate between them.

Here's something I've written and sent someone a while ago, that might illuminate what I mean:

It's two different worlds we grew up in and two different worlds we live in. Yet on the same planet of Earth and thus there also is a shared reality. Plus one we create to share as fantasy or whatever.  In your world someone like me wouldn't have survived or even have been allowed in In the world and the land you grew up in there still seem to be high barriers for ppl like us to participate though in your case and mine the waiting to fail (wtf, right? Also in both meanings, cause the first abbreviation I learnt this for was "wait to fail" not "what the fuck", believe it or not) would have been for different reasons But there were and would have been ppl waiting for us to fail as we neither as individuals, nor together, don't fit into the mold built of prejudice. I'd never survive in your world neither the concrete jungle you're in nor streets where many seem to believe they need to carry a gun to survive And that may even be true What do I know?

In my world carrying a gun is absurd would even create nervousness "better stay away from him, he's carrying a gun"

It's different worlds on the same planet and sometimes I feel I can't enter your world like there was a threshold one might only cross or pass by saying a word I never heard. So... my questions are... a currency mostly to pay the keeper of the threshold and to understand or at least try to understand because I never will belong as a settler to the land of concrete and steel that you navigate daily:"

This is a part of a somewhat older text of mine written to someone of my longer penpalships. And it's my own words, not his answer, so, I feel this is ok to share.

Because, Jeanne, whatever you do or I do or others,there are thresholds we won't cross... as hard to believe and accept as it is.

Good luck on your new adventure, Jeanne.

Kirsten

 

 
Jeanne555

Hello Carmen, thank you for your reply. After 2 days my pp finally responded saying that he did not want me to hate him but lots of people want to talk to him so he has less time. I do understand that part. As for some things he wrote online he said it was the way he was joking and told me he did not pretend to be someone else in the letters, just that he has 2 personalities. If it's true I don't know why the other personality disappeared upon release. We agreed to have a call later today to discuss.

My problem with him having old friends reach out is that I see a person there with a dark past. I don't know the person but that person wrote a whole biography on my pp page explaining everything they went through. I inquired with my pp about that person and he said that they might go to jail soon. In my book it's not the best influence for him to have around but he is a grown man and can decide for himself what to do.
And the part where you say that we've got to see that vulnerable side is exactly what made me sad when that part completely disappeared. But I agree that it was good while it lasted and really made for some fun days. After reading all the replies here I decided to get a new penpal who might need a new friend and sent my letter yesterday.
Thank you everyone, on to the new adventure. :)

 
freebird1

@Jeanne555. If you would like an alternative place to feel safe to chat about personal or sensative issues, with some of those you already trust on here feel free to email me as there is a new option not so public.  I can guarantee you would fit right in. ;-)   shydannyboy at g mail dot com

 
Carmen163

Hi Jeanne, my pp is also on the brink of going home (at least temporarily on bail) and I think I would be devastated to find out that he would show a completely different persona on the outside. Like you, I also know that people have different sides to them and I can see how he shows me one side and shows others other sides. But to see that it's completely different, that's hard. Although I have seen this before with students of mine. 20-year-old boys would be tough criminals outside of school and yet would be polite, thoughtful, and wise in the classroom. 

I hope your pp will take the time and effort to explain to you how he feels and what causes him to show this very different side of him. I think he may feel very insecure and confused, so he gets back into his tough street persona. And I can see how this is taking him up completely for now and not leaving any room for his other, more vulnerable side. 

But you know what Jeanne; we've got to see that vulnerable side, that loving side, that wise side, that supportive, thoughtful, caring side of him. And what a beautiful present that is! What a gift to been shown someone's most precious self. I think you can be very proud of yourself and him that the two of you connected in a way that made that possible. 

Thank you for bringing this up, as it makes me more aware of the challenges that we face. 

 
mjuran

I understand, Jeanne555.  You feel as though he must have been false with you before, and now you don't know who he really is.  Well hopefully you'll find out more, I hope he replies and you get to understand what happened.

 
Jeanne555

Thank you for your reply, yes I sent it via private message. Not sure if he will respond but at least I was honest.

 
Jeanne555

Thank you for your response mjuran, it has more to do with the fact that he is nothing how he was before. It is not the fact that he is talking certain ways to others, it is also what he posts on his social media. I look at this and think of a person who was so different before, it does not match, I start to wonder who was writing those letters all this time. I figured he was telling me what I wanted to hear but also it was his idea to continue keeping in touch, was his idea to add me to his contacts so it's not like he blocked me completely. Anyways, I could not resist and I wrote everything what I thought about this situation and sent it to him. I don't want to lie and pretend like nothing has changed, no point in doing it. If I will lose him as a friend might as well hear his side of the story first.

 
mjuran

People can take a different "voice" with different other people they speak to--swear a lot and use certain jargon or slang with one set of friends, and sound entirely different with someone else (like you).  I'd say the fact of changing how he sounds, or having less time now to spend with you, doesn't necessarilly mean he was being false and pretend with you all along, but there could have been a certain side of himself he showed you and other sides he showed other people.  As ST4s said too, his whole life has changed and so has the amount of attention and focus he can give to your friendship now.  There are going to be a ton of distractions and stresses and changes.  You can't compare it to the relationship you're used to having, when he was incarcerated.

However...if you really feel like he's changed his entire personality and you no longer feel you know who he is, well, it's possible he wasn't showing you his true colors before.  Maybe he was a certain way with you before (sweet, cheery, attentive) because he needed to be or felt he had to be.  And now he doesn't.  Who knows?  I think the telling point would be whether he still talks to YOU like the old person you recognize, whether or not he sounds like someone different on social media/with other people he knows.

If he sounds like someone you no longer know, even one-on-one with just you, maybe it's true you didn't get to see the "real" him before.  And I understand that is bewildering and disappointing.  But again, it is having very high expectations to think that the penpal relationship will morph smoothly into the same familiar exchanges, just on the outside now.  Give it time, and try to be there (available, nonjudgmental, positive) and see how things work out with this "new" personality he has.  It may be you'll drift apart naturally, it might be that you stay friends during these changes.  But there definitely will be major changes in his life, and it would be wise to expect they are going to affect your friendship somehow.  

 
Jeanne555

Thank you ST4 for your wise words. That comment "from point A to point B" was written in the heat of the moment and I do not really mean anything bad by it. I have to admit that I was very upset yesterday when I thought back on the things he was saying and the things he is doing now, it just did not add up. I knew he would be busy getting the hang of his new normal just did not realize that my friendship to him was not as as important as his was for me. I think it was the type of thing like you say "it was good while it lasted" type of thing. I just thought it would happen with my other penpal maybe but turns out he was more genuine than the favorite penpal I thought I had. Sorry for complaining here, it feels good to get it off my chest and I have no one else who would understand me besides this community.

 
ST4s

Well, you must recognize that release from prison is an absolute sea change – a moment-by-moment bombardment by the speed of life out here and all its moving parts. The mere act of navigating this new environment… if it ain’t a massive shock to the system, I don’t know what is. So, it’s a question of how well someone is equipped to handle that, and how well they manage their time amidst the tsunami of new demands upon it.

Two of my best buds have been released at this point, one for close to a year now, and the other about two and a half years ago.

One is the same person today as before, but an even better version of himself, with the same unshakeable character fundamentals. We keep in touch regularly and I marvel at his every success. I mean, the odds are stacked so heavily against ex-cons. Just overcoming such a past is achievement enough, but he’s light years beyond that. I couldn’t be prouder of him.

The other fell off the map after three months out. I thought he’d be a friend for life too but it didn’t go that way. It really had me questioning everything, like, why the hell am I even doing this? And then, one by one, all my other buds reminded me why – that prison life is unbearable at times and sucks for the rest, and when there’s a friendly someone on the other side of the envelope, or the phone, or the table in the visiting room, who drops by to hang out and share their most valuable commodity – their time – it matters. It makes a difference.

All we have is the present moment anyway. So, make the most of it. It’s its own immediate reward, sharing a good friend’s company, even across the time-warp of letters in the mail. And if there’s some other reward on the horizon – watching and enjoying someone else’s wild success, post-release, as an observer, or even cheering them on, well, that’s highly rewarding too. But it doesn’t have to be a jackpot destination above all else, because every day can have its own jackpot moments. It’s a journey outweighing the destination thing – or it can be.

It’s not up to just one person how that goes. It’s an equation. With many variables.

 

Now, the whole “job” thing, the “bringing him from Point A to Point B” thing, and the idea of sending him a report card with a failing grade because he’s not meeting your expectations now that he’s released is, well... let me put it this way: Expecting the same level of attention from someone who had plenty of attention to give back then, and expecting the same levels of sweetness and cheerfulness – from one who’s now likely facing a barrage of existential demands for food, clothing, shelter, employment, transportation, communication, and so on – is extraordinarily unrealistic. He could very well be in a fight for his own existence in this new environment.

If you want to be supportive, then roll up your sleeves and support that, in one or more of those fundamental categories. Or just file it all away as time well spent, back in the day, for something that has now run its course.

 

 
Jeanne555

Maybe I was expecting too much but I just thought that the person writing letters would be the same person who will come out jail, didn't expect him to do 180 and become a different person. Many things to do not match to the things being said before but that's ok, I'll get over it.

 
velihamza

Even prophets cannot reform people.
I see you're expecting too much.
It's a prison and he has to take care of himself.
Now she has revealed her free and true personality.
I don't think you should be hopeful.
Meet with people in your own environment who have a healthy spirit.