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Need advice on if I should keep writing him?

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sarahlisa
sarahlisa's picture
Need advice on if I should keep writing him?

So I recently got back in touch with someone that I was writing back in 2019. He got released at the end of 2019 and then he went back to jail around February/March of this year and we lost contact for about 3 months because he couldn't remember my address. I wrote a letter to a jail I thought he might be in about a month and half ago to see if he was actually in jail and I got a reply back from him. So far he's written me 3 letters. He told me in his letter that right before he got arrested he was on his way to come surprise visit me (we had plans of him coming to live with me at some point, so this is okay with me) but then got arrested. 
He also sent me visiting forms so that I can come visit him in jail. He tells me that he misses me and calls me baby and things like that. He also said he still has all of my pictures I sent him before and that he hopes I don't have a new boyfriend, ect.
THE THING IS.......I creeped his facebook and I found a girl on there that has a picture of him as her cover photo and it says that she's "in a complicated relationship". His facebook says that he's single though. I tried adding him and I noticed that my friend request was denied. He has not brought this up to me at all in his letters.
I'm so so confused on what to do. I don't know if he started this "relationship" with this girl when he got arrested again because he was unable to get into contact with me and so he started talking to someone else. 
I don't know how to even bring this up to him because he'll know that I was stalking his fb lol and I feel awkward about that. 
I kinda feel like I want to stop talking to him now too because it's like he's not being straightup/honest with me. 
Any advice on what I should do?? 

THANKS EVERYONE.
 

 

 

VioletGrey
VioletGrey's picture

There's so many aspects to this Sarahlisa, but you're the one that knows best as to how you feel about continuing your friendship/relationship with this person. 
If I were your friend I would probably ask you something along the lines of...

What do you want from communication with him? 
- Friendship? A romantic relationship? A pen pal? 
What made you reach out (I remember the thread you asked on before) to him when you'd assumed he'd gone back to jail? 

Then I would probably say that you're not being straight up/honest with him either, by "stalking" his Facebook and not telling him how you feel about the whole situation. So can you really be holding that over him? 
It comes across like you want to be his partner an you're upset that there is someone else in the picture, and don't want to get your feelings hurt by asking straight out? Maybe you should just write to each other and see if you still think you want to be romantically involved and then bring up the subject? 

Usually a bit of honesty goes a long way in these situations. You tell him how you're feeling and in turn there may be some honesty in return. 
 

 

ST4s
ST4s's picture

Well, certainty is a grand thing, ain’t it? And my guess is you won’t be able to have some of that without an honest exchange. My other guess is if you’re not one to move on, this could gnaw at you. If it were me, I’d write that letter and get some closure, even if it’s one-sided (but hopefully it isn't). Best wishes.

Bread with crust
Bread with crust's picture

I also felt to have remembered this line from previous threads. To be clear, this is the selfsame man about whom you made the He’s acting different now that he’s been released thread, as well as the thread entitled Feel embarrassed that I sent a letter about a month back?

As I have a suspicion, following your story line, that this is indeed the same man, my response will be coming from that angle.

To me, it sounds like you might be making a lot of excuses for this man, and I do not understand why.

 

Quote:
 

and we lost contact for about 3 months because he couldn't remember my address.

In my head, Sarahlisa, I am here thinking, how can it be that the man who was arranging to come live with you, and who, prior to being arrested again, was planning on coming there for a surprise visit (you only lived 6 hours away), lost touch with you because he could not remember your address? Because this was something he forgot? The address he was planning on eventually living at and on sooner visiting (before arrested), the address of the woman he was making advances on and I'd presume whom he cared about very much, you are saying he simply forgot... Unless, did you move? Do you move a lot? This is registering as a complete head-scratcher for me.

Beyond this, were that very truthfully the case, it is my view (you might see it differently, others might) that we often forget what we do not prioritize, and I would think the address I was planning on visiting, the address I was planning on staying at in time, and above all the address of the woman I call my baby sweetie honey, would be and would remain a priority. Might would even be one of the first things I would want to remember when (or if) they sent me to the pen again.

For that matter, too, it is clear he had your number. Did he not ever think to call to get your address, I am wondering? Why would he not have at least called or attempted to? (Did he?) Did you change your number?

This line alone simply does not add up.

Quote:

He told me in his letter that right before he got arrested he was on his way to come surprise visit me (we had plans of him coming to live with me at some point, so this is okay with me) but then got arrested.

This, simply given the context and history, is sounding to me more like, “I wasn’t planning on visiting, but I would like to continue stringing you along, so—.” Especially given that, as you say, he only told you this after the fact, after he had already been arrested and you'd taken it upon yourself to reach out to him again. (And if I’m understanding you correctly, he wrote that he was arrested while legitimately on the way?)

That it was, moreover, going to be a “surprise” visit would certainly have been convenient. For it to be a surprise, no concrete plans or arrangements prior to the fact would have had to be made or would have had to include you at all, and no expectation as to when I might be coming would have had to be given, because it is going to be a surprise, of course, baby. 

Quote:
  

I creeped his facebook and I found a girl on there that has a picture of him as her cover photo and it says that she's "in a complicated relationship". His facebook says that he's single though.

In the last thread you made about this, this line read, “His facebook says that he's single though, which is weird.” Yet there is nothing seemingly very weird about this at all. Again, this is in keeping with my opinion, but I think it is very obvious what looks to be going on here, and this man has you looking the part of Cinderella’s glass slipper left behind on the ballroom floor or Confused John Travolta in that one scene of Pulp Fiction (US) (1994).

Quote:

I tried adding him and I noticed that my friend request was denied. He has not brought this up to me at all in his letters.

What further explanation might you be looking for, with regard to this? You tried to add his account on Facebook, he denied you, deleted your request. Are you thinking to yourself that it was likely an accident, or perhaps that it wasn't him?

Quote:

I don't know if he started this "relationship" with this girl when he got arrested again because he was unable to get into contact with me and so he started talking to someone else.

And when or if he spins you that that was the case, that he started this relationship because he forgot your address and couldn’t get in touch with you anymore, and thought you were lost to him, that is going to be okay with you? You will/would be able to overlook this if that is the case after all?

 

Quote:

I don't know how to even bring this up to him because he'll know that I was stalking his fb lol and I feel awkward about that.

It loses me entirely that you'd be more worried about how it might make you look to him, if he finds out you were stalking his Facebook page, over how it might make you look at yourself, in the mirror, if you allow this to continue on in this way for much longer. I truly think you should open communication now, before it is too late.

 

mjuran
mjuran's picture

I also remember this thread, Saralisa!  And I'm glad your suspicion he was back in jail was correct, I remember your embarassment about sending him a letter there was because you weren't SURE he was there, as well as wondering about this new fb situation.

My take on it is, there are some things you want to clear up, and I think you have every right to ask about it.  Not a "right" as his gf asking about some other woman who has his pic on fb, just the right of someone who might be getting a little emotionally entangled to know if the object of their entanglement is really single or not, and really reciprocating this romantic interest or not.  Since he's calling you Baby and talking to you in a somewhat encouraging way in this respect, I see no reason for you to be shy about asking him.  Or to feel bad for having looked at his fb page, or tried to reconnect with him that way.  Why would you consider it "stalking" to look up someone on fb if you are looking for them and wondering where they got to when you haven't heard from them?  Why is it bad to notice that someone else seems to have gotten involved with him recently?  If there's any inklig of possible romantic intimacy in your relationship to your PP (and if he was planning to come stay with you, etc., that sounds potentially intimate) then it seems reasonable to look at what's posted publicly by or for him on fb.  It's not like you tried to hack his email account to read his personal correspondence with other people.

But I will add that this whole story raises red flags for me, and I do not think I'd accept this story of having "lost" your address and being unable to locate you while he is on the outside, without further clarification.  I would want to know who's managing his fb page for him, and accepting or declining new friend requests on his behalf.  And, so, who is this new friend you have, that appears to be claiming you for a "complicated relationship" status?  I would want to know, no matter if it was a casual friend whose love life I was interested in knowing about, or someone I felt a romantic interest in.  I don't see the harm in asking questions, in search of more information about anything that seems a little puzzling to you.

As to whether you should keep writing to him or not, the only reason I think you should choose to stop writing someone you otherwise are enjoying writing to, is if they are somehow doing you harm or likely to do you harm by continuing.  Only you can decide if you think that's the case or likely to become the case.  And you can only decide that, if you know what's going on.

Bread with crust
Bread with crust's picture

Edit to add: Looking at this again, I realize I may have misunderstood. I am not sure.

The person being talked about in this thread (and in old) has never claimed to be your boyfriend or romantic partner—or has he? You were not MWI or anything like this? Yet you are holding him to expectations not befitting what it sounds like you were/are to him and are maintaining that that's all you want to be (maybe not being honest with yourself), you are holding him to expectations befitting an exclusive romance/romantic partner... But has he said he wanted to enter into an exclusive relationship with you, or have you said that? And you both agreed upon it? Because I'm now thinking, if that is not the case, then why would you think he shouldn't have a GF? 

Basically, I'm just confused and saying I don't even know if my advice will apply if that is the situation.

Looking at this from the outside, and the threads you have made about it before, and some of the language you are using, it almost seems like you may be (I say this gently) becoming unhealthily attached to or obsessed with the idea of being with this person. But maybe that is not the case and this is all just a conglomeration of confusion because no one has made any move to establish or communicate anything.

 

Either way, though, it does (to me) appear you're being strung along, whether by your own expectations and readiness to commit or by his lack of them and unreadiness (or unwillingness) to commit.

Bread with crust
Bread with crust's picture

But two things that I will say are still registering for me as very suspect

  1. The forgetting your address (and falling out of touch due to that)
    • /the "plan" to visit (and later live with you)
    • /the not attempting to get it from you via phone (unless this was, in some way, not possible or...)
  2. The denying your FB request

You have flags all over your play. Pick them up to examine closer. And if there is money involved anywhere in this situation, big uh-oh.

mjuran
mjuran's picture

!00% in agreement about that, Bread.

davey1800
davey1800's picture

Just walk away now and forget all about him.