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Kirsten

I guess, the title says it all.

At the moment I am just said, worried and at a loss for words.

There's not much I can do for my friend, nor could you do much for myself.

These last few days been the hardest I ever had since being a pp.

Damn it, psychology degree and everything else aside, I just feel as helpless as anyone.

And I saw it/felt it coming. These last few emails were... well maybe they were the reason towatch more closely. So maybe they were at least good for something.

But when someone... who is emailing daily becomes unreasonable, irrational and unreachable in that way... it's damn scary.

I wish I could DO sth. Anything. Like taking a flight and go in there.

F***, I do have that crisis intervention training and suicide prevention stuff - and can't do anything for someone I'd like to apply it to the very most.

Arrrrrrgh!

What a week!

And I'm glad nobody told me this when I started writing - I'm not sure if I'd done it otherwise.

For any newbies: don't let this post frighten or repel you. I'm just... one of my longest pps who has become a friend is at his lowest point I ever saw him in and it is incredibly hard to just sit here and not be able to do anything,that's all.


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Alexandra Blassing

Dear Kirsten,

my perspective cahnged on the whole subject bc I was looking at it from a different angle: The realistic one.

I mean there r many ways to look at the pen paling, there are all right atb their own time and space and I do not mean like what I think is valid for anybody else.

I lived in the USA for a while but lomg time ago. Just recently I travelled back in time and watche some videos aboiut Kensington Avenue in Philadelphia.

I like the channel morals over money from Frank Rodrigues aka King frank. He does on you tube the faces of kensington documentaries and of course this, too can be seen controversial like everythibg.

But this brought back the reality to me and the reason why I had a hard time adjusting to living in the States bc it can be traumatic seeing this stuff. What I mean is the guy swe see on wap r totally out of their usual environement. We do not know what they been through especially with addiction. We only know what they want us to know and what they want to face themselves.

I believe we as overseas penpals can only do so much and have always be on guard not to get emotionally too involved with it. Bc there literally is nothing we can do from here if it comes to acddiction or them facing the real world.

Greetings

 

 

 
Kirsten

Dear Ervin Grey,

stop being a spammer - or if you can't help it, stay out of my threads, please.Otherwise I'll have to report you to the forum's webmaster, which I believe you will understand perfectly.

Thanks in advance,

Kirsten, the psychologist from Germany

 

 
Carmen163

The email address is: shydannyboy at g mail dot com. It's Freebirds, but her name is not there. (I suddenly realized it could be misread).

 
Carmen163

@Liw, we miss you! Please join us. The invite to Sunnyside goes for you as well. Just send an email to Freebird shydannyboy at g mail dot com. You are most welcome!

 
Kirsten

@Jeanne: I'm am feeling relieved, yes.Mostly for him, because he really seems to be more at ease with himself again. But for me as well, as I worry less.

and @Liw: Yeah, it's a bit different than it was, but in the end, yeah... talking about things to work them out is sth. we both do. At least with one another (not sure if he did/does this with ppl inside). So, yeah, we're (kind of) on the same (or at least a similar) page. I guess, we both don't like to lose the connection with the other one.

@Mariel: I think your best friend's brother gave you some very sound advice! And so did your Dad at this earlier time.

As far as your (former?) pp goes: it might for sure be a good idea to let him know you care. That was, in fact, one of the very first things,he emailed me when he came back into our communication: "It's good to know you care, that at least someone cares, no matter what."

I think the main point is really to take away the longing, the expectation & the need to get an answer.

As far as healing goes: Well, I grew up with a mother who had mentalhealth problems, but who went undiagnosed and untreated for a long while as she was good at "functioning" and hiding things. So, as a kid I certainly experienced some of the stranger or more bizarre things on the behavior scale (at least sometimes) and it led me an a quest to understand humun behavior, its causes and its effects. I sure have some scars and bruises, too- and some of thee scares literally stem from my mother.

So, yes, to the healing part. And as far as the model of different parts and vioces inside of ppl goes: Yes, to a certain degree, but not to all of it. but that's debatable and a whole different conversation.

take care of yourself,

Kirsten

 
Sunnyside793

@freebird

thank you so much for this. I absolutely will. I could use the help and would love to support others as well! 

 

 
freebird1

@sunnyside, if you would like to join Kirsten and a few other regular posters here in a new group, where it's possible to have one to one chats in realtime but in complete safety and privacy ... drop me an email for the link  Look for the post Alternative Invitation if you're interested.

. You would be most welcome. :-)

 
Sunnyside793

Hi Kirsten,

I'm glad to hear that you tolerated the shot okay! 

I agree with you especially on the "not giving up easily on people" bit. :) I really respect the way you handled your situation and had a feeling that you could give me some words of wisdom on this situation. I don't think that you're a fool at all for understanding the way in which human emotions work especially in the complicated web that being incarcerated can spin. We all experience a cycle of emotions, especially when a relationship is meaningful to us. That is part of being human. 
 

as for my situation, I appreciate your viewpoint. I have been thinking about all of it the past few days. At this point, I am considering just writing periodically so he knows that someone is out there thinking of him. I know that his number of outside contacts is very few. I am thinking that it will be best to just check in and send him my best wishes, without expectations or such strong feelings attached on my end. Maybe write him without too strong of emotions, about current events in the world to make some part of his day reading something that could be a healthy distraction from such isolation. I only think of it this way because my best friend's brother was just released after 7 years of solitary, and I sought his advice on the situation. He told me to let go of the intense feeling and self-serving longing, and just to provide kind words from the outside. Also, my father was incarcerated at the federal level when I was young, and he wrote to me so much, but I wasn't able to write back due to my other parent just protecting me from further pain. I work in mental health now, and I've worked hard to understand boundaries and how we can still offer a supportive energy. If you cant tell, at times I toe the line on that, but my inner child will heal someday :P Once I got older, my Dad explained to me just how lonely it can be in there, especially if isolated. My Dad has passed away, but those conversations have stuck with me. 

I think for now I'll just send a few more "best wishes and prayers your way" kinda notes, even if I don't get back something I would hope to hear. If I hear further, I'll take it from there. 

do you have any insight or thoughts as to that like of thinking?

I will definitely keep you posted, and would love to hear from you again/keep in touch. I appreciate your words and insight as I know you've had more experience with this. 

happy weekend, 
-Mariel 

 
Liw

It makes me happy to read that you two have somehow been able to sort it out and hopefully are on the same page. :)

 
Jeanne555

It was captivating to read this whole thread and see how it unfolds. I am glad to hear that you had some closure, that your penpal was able to provide some sort of explanation which you accepted. I do agree with you that whether his explanation is true or not it is better accept it to have a peace of mind. So glad he communicates normally know and you do not have to worry. This situation took a toll on your mood and I hope that now you can finally smile and feel relieved. :)

 
Kirsten

Hi Mariel,

I slept sth. like 14 hours or so (yesterday earlier than usual till almost 11 AM here) and my arm feels a bit sore, but other than that, I'm ok. I had the Biontech/Pfizer one, though.

It's a bit complicated, because, well, that pp of mine is quite of a ppl's person. He's someone ppl talk to and come to and such. Which is sth. I understand, because I too,was drawn to his profile.It was actually the only profile on here that ever made me laugh. Not wonder, or think or pity or guess, he just really made me laughing out wholeheartedly. And we always had a pretty casual way of getting along and that has to do with having a VERY similar sort of humor even though really everything else is different.

And I really thought (think still) we built something. It was none of these "We wrote for two weeks and now he claims to love me" things. We just built.

And he connected me with that former cellmate and another one. It wasn't me asking for it.

But what his former celly said... I couldn't make my head around it. could it be true? Yes? No? was he throwing dirt on him and if so, why? Why not tell me sooner,if it was true? Or was it like one of those "bro before hoes" kind of thing (with me wanting to make clear I didn't and don't see myself as a hoe, I use it as a figure of speech here), I sent them both the same email and I was pretty blunt on that one, just to see what would come as a reaction. Celly didn't answer at all ( I didn't hear anything from him, since that email, actually, which I find an interesting statement in and by itself) whereas my longterm pp (first on mental health, now in the hole, by the time I sent my email, he was already in the hole) replied to with a long email and a very clear statement within two or three hours. And it was not a defensive statement, but an absolutely clear and decisive one.  I tend to believe him. Maybe just because I WANT to believe him, but... yeah.

So, the elephant in the room is now treated as well and either I'm one of the most naive, most fooled pps around (but if, then it would be ok, because then i asked for it by believing the wrong one) or someone snooped a tablet, had an agenda here and waited until the other one was away. But that's not my problem, then. It might cause some friction, but i guess, celly will be paroled till my longterm pp gets out of the hole, so, I think the earthquake will be postponed. 

As for you, Mariel. You know, that's hard to say. I'm personally someone who doesn't easily give up on ppl. But if anyone tells me to move on,I'd espect that. even if it hurts. i know ppl can't be replaced and there'll probably always be a oom in your heart for him, but, you know,some doors better remain closed. You could push, but you might also give him some space, wish him the brest an try to find closure,self- forgiveness and some peace for yourself.

I can't tell you what's right or wrong for- you're the only one who knows and who CAN know. I can not even honestly say: "Search for another one." Not only because ppl can't be replaced, but also because, well, it may be the time for you to take care of yourself first, before turning towards another person.

Only you may know.

All the best,

Kirsten 

 

 
Sunnyside793

Sounds great, can't wait to hear back from you! Oh no, the 2nd Moderna dose for me had me very sick for 3 days! I hope you feel well. Fortunately the couple days of yuck are so worth it for the bigger picture! 
xo, Mariel 
 

 

 

 

 

 
Kirsten

I'll get back to you later as I'm just about to leave my flat to get my second anti-COVID shot. I'm not sure how I'll feel thereafter, (the last one made me feel sick for two days), but I'll get back to you later.

It's been a saga, but we're finally reaching a more stable ground of communication again (or such it would appear).

ttul,

Kirsten

 
Sunnyside793

@Kirsten,

I am so sorry to read this post. I don't know you but I can see that you care deeply about your correspondence and you seem like a great support system. I admire you! 

I really hope you see this! I just joined the site because I needed somewhere and some other people to turn to. I've been corresponding with my PP (found him through a different blog) on and off for 3 years now. I had to seek mental health treatment QUITE a few times so lost touch with my PP as a result. I feel horrible about it. Last July I received an email from my PP and he said that he wanted to move on. He was VERY mad and understandably so. I have a lot of trauma surrounding abandonment so I swallowed it and kept it moving. For some reason over this past month I had a strange feeling about things that was unexplainable. For some reason, the thought of him popped in my mind. I decided to write him via snail mail as his JPay was disabled. First major clue that something was happening. I did some pretty serious digging and discovered (thanks to someone at the DOC) that he's in the IMU. Something bad must've happened, and I haven't heard a response to my letters over the past month that I've been writing. I know that he was very upset with me exactly this time a year ago, but I want him to know that I am here for him and still care for him deeply, especially knowing what I know now. I don't even know if he has access to stamps, envelopes or gets his mail in a timely manner. Who knows. Although I haven't received a response, I want to keep writing so he knows that someone on the outside is still caring and loving him. 

Do you or ANYONE!! have any advice as to how I should handle this? I appreciate any insight or input I can get. 
 

heart
 

 

 
Kirsten

Well, so far we've been writing on and I think we're "getting back on track". He'll stay in the hole for a while, I guess. No visits, no phone. But he didn't lose email privileges. So, I guess, I'll hear on from him.

What I notice is that I'm pretty careful right now, less spontaneous in communication, more in a waiting mode. I heard his side of it and there is one point where it vastly differs from what his former celly told me. Vastly, not a little. And that puts me into a dilemma, because it just shows what I said above.

Maybe they both have a reason to talk to me exactly in the way they did. And to tell the story the way they did. They each have their own perception and that's ok. But there is one part in it that's an "either/or", not an "as well as", just on a logical, factual basis of things. And that was a "fact" that shocked me when celly told me about it. Something that changed my outlook.

But if celly told that for a reason that might be his own agenda, then it gets complicated. So, there's kind of an elephant in the room, either way. And I don't like that. I'd love to address it, but I don't know how... (yet). So,I'm still pondering this.

Kirsten

 
freebird1

Been reading this with interest as the story unfolds. +1 with Liw's last post. That was my interpretation too.

 
Liw

And that last post was a response to @Mouthy as well :)

 
Liw

Love turns people into fools. ;) What I mean is: When a person with low self-esteem/insecurities gets hurt, e.g. if he feels like he doesn't get emotionally what he wishes or hopes for, or maybe he just feels like he isn't as important as he wants to be, then that could make him try to act cold and eventually hurt back. That's a coping mechanism when you haven't learned how to deal with vulnerability. I feel like most men/women in prison (and also we on the outside) are raised to act like that. If you get attacked, you attack back. When you get hurt, you hurt back. When you feel vulnerable you pretend that you don't care. That's all emotional immaturity. Maybe he doesn't know how to act to protect himself from being hurt. Maybe acting heartless stems from the fear of exposing one's heart/true emotions.

Not saying that's the case here. I just said that it could potentially play a role.

 
Liw

@Mouthy
Because, and I will quote @Carmen now who put this so much better than I will be able to do: "I'm just wondering, couldn't it have been the case that he was honest and sincere for 3 years and then something happened that made him act very different? You've said his cellie and you didn't recognize his behavior at some point. Because honestly, I don't think people can act very differently for such a long time, and then completely become their true character in a couple of days."

And now my own words: I'm with Carmen. I don't believe that it's realistic to think that the picture of someone over a few weeks is more reliable than what you have seen for three years of that same person. There ARE cases where someone has intentionally misled another person and acted like someone else, for sure, and then shown his/hers true colors, BUT 1. three years are hella looong time to pretend, most ppl would have given up long before. :P and 2. I simply don't think that Kirsten has misjudged him. That's a gut feeling and what I get from everything she has told this far in different threads.

 
Kirsten

I can't tell what Liw meant, because I'm not Liw. ;-)

What I read out of it was that she doesn't think it's possible for 3 yrs to be one way and then (or thereafter) suddenly act completely different.

I guess, what she's been trying to tell me (and Carmen, too, in her own way) was, that IF I still believe that these last 3 yrs were genuine, that I should remember this as well and how it felt.

At least that's what I read out of it. ;-)

Do I believe he was genuine? Yes, I do. Still. How self-reflecting he was (or is) at various occassions,that's a different question.

I guess, what shows in these different (and equally valid) answers, is a negotiation of trust and of (how/if) to go on after it was bruised.

Well..., I guess, everyone has her or his own red line. The one where things break or get irreversibly damaged when it is crossed. And I'm not here to judge or to say where it should be.

Me,personally... I left and was left behind. I gave up and was given up upon. And on other occassions I didn't give up, went through the woods and fought the dragons (or is it demons in English? In German it's dragons...), both my own and /or that of others.

The question is always when to do which and for how long. And not to lie to myself in the sense of not just staying because of former "investments" (emotionally here, I don't speak of $, except for bd or Christmas and some stamps).

That feelings can lead to irrationality, hell, who didn't experience it, one time or another? *laughs* Clouded judgment has a lot to do to with it. That's one reason why I watch my emotions carefully (but it doesn't mean I have none). The name calling was also showing feelings (of anger and helplessness, in that moment).

It is what it is. And in the regard of changing frames, that's where rationality comes in again. Whathappened, happened. What was said, has been said. And that HAS a influence on how I at things and ppl. Undeniably.

Still, we'll see where it leads. The emails of yesterday evening reminded me again WHY I had been writing this guy in the first place. (And no, that was no sweet talk, it was just "us" talking again, like we conversed most of the time).   

 
Kirsten

Believe it or not, Liw... I just got an email tonight. The first since June 6th. And that one sounded more like the guy I knew. The guy from before this "fallout", o whatever you call this. We emailed (well, almost chatted, this mailroom is fast) back and forth tonight. Not saying things are clear (they are NOT), but I get more of a context now, I think.

We'll see where it leads. I'm not too easy to give up on ppl, but I'll have to watch out for things.

Thanks for your sympathy and holding me down. 

Kirsten

P.S.: To quote my Dad from a much more previous event: "Idealism is incurable." 

Yes, Papa, but I promise not to be naive.

 
Liw

Wow.. ohh I'm so sorry for all this Kirsten. :(( I don't really have anything useful to add, just want to show my sympathy. I really hope that he will recover soon and get back on his feet mentally/emotionally and for you to be able to move on if that's still what you want. It's for sure a painful position to be in, where you are right now. :( I would be devastated if this happened to me and especially when it doesn't make sense and you can’t really understand what was what. That’s really not a nice experience and it messes with your mind, I understand that.

When I read all this… I’m still thinking to myself that there must be some kind of logical explanation. I don’t believe that you have misjudged him. That can’t be. Maybe there were more sides to him that he didn’t completely show you, but what he showed you and let you know of himself might still be authentic. I feel like people both on the inside and outside often surprises you like this. That’s a part of being human, with flaws and ongoing personal journeys and all there’s to it, I think, and not about whether one is who they pretend to be or not. (Yeah, like you wrote: "But ppl have many sides, colors and facets and maybe all of them are equally true, as they're composing a personality." Exactly!) There might be an underlying personality trait that doesn’t really show until something happens that triggers that side to become more prominent. Friends, family members, all people can sometimes change very quickly in the eyes of others, because (as someone here already mentioned) those "others" might not have all the puzzle pieces to create the whole picture…

Copying @Mouthy ISTJ: "If a person’s behavior doesn’t make sense to you, it is because you are missing a part of their context." Devon Price, Ph.D.

What I’m trying to say is that this might not be black or white, so please don't doubt your judge of character. There’s so many shades of gray, so to speak. But of course, you already know all this since you have an psychology degree. :D

And I still believe, if he has had feelings for you, that can also be a reason why he’s acting irrational. (I’ve experienced something similar to your story, both on the outside and with a prison pen pal.) Or do you no longer believe that what he felt for you was authentic/genuine?

 

 
Carmen163

Schreklich = Schrecklich. But I think you understood that anyway ;-)

 
Carmen163

Yes, you are less 'onbevangen' as we would say in Dutch, I know exactly what you mean with that word.

I had this whole philosophical and psychological dissertation here, but that's not relevant in the end. I think what I mean with "stay as you are", is: stay the self-confident and self-loving person you are. I always think of you as someone who is at ease with herself, who is accepting herself as she is, and loving herself like she is. And therefore, in my opinion, you are someone who can accept others as they are. That's a wonderful quality in my book, so please stay as you are. Don't let some dismissed red flags cloud your trust. 

Oh, I am so shocked about the situation in Germany and Belgium. I mean, we have some wet feet and a lot of inconvenience, but I've heard some horror stories about Germany on the news. (Über ein Haus für Behinderten und sie hätten es nicht geschaft raus zu kommen... schreklich!) Anyway, I am safe, I'm in the northwest of Holland and although we're a tiny country, that's still about 200 km away. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for everyone in that area to come out safe and sound. 

 

 
Kirsten

Dear Carmen,

what does "stay as you are" mean in that context? You mean the good-natured, always lokking for the good in ppl idealist? It's still there, don't worry. it really is.

As far as "there weren't any red flags , so you trusted him" goes, well..., I guess, there were, but I brushed them off or found different explanations for them.

But ppl have many sides, colors and facets and maybe all of them are equally true, as they're composing a personality.

I'm not saying everyone's the same and I won't quit writing the others I write to just because of that. Definitely not. :-) But some of my optimism, some of my "oh, well, usually I can trust my judgment (of character)" that's gone. Some of my... what's the word for "Unbefangenheit" in English? is gone. I think I'm a little more biased now, less of a "let's be open and see what happens" kind of an attitude. Which may be good in some ways, but bad in other ones. Less trusting perhaps. But anyway... no one can or will take my belief that there's some good in everyone.

I hope you've not been hit by these floods, 20 mins by car from here it looks pretty apocalyptic.

All the best,

Kirsten

 
Carmen163

Wow Kirsten, this really surprises me. I have no idea what is going on because it is all very cloak and dagger, but I didn't expect you to doubt your judge of character so much. I'm just wondering, couldn't it have been the case that he was honest and sincere for 3 years and then something happened that made him act very different? You've said his cellie and you didn't recognize his behavior at some point. Because honestly, I don't think people can act very differently for such a long time, and then completely become their true character in a couple of days. But again, I don't know the situation, so I can't really say anything that is based on facts here. 

I just get the impression you are a bit victim bashing here, like you were supposed to know that there was something going on. Well, I don't agree with that, you acted like a normal, healthy, loving and stable person would, dealing with the facts that were shown to you, and based on those facts you trusted him. There was no apparent reason for distrust (right?), so there was no need for distrust. And in hindsight there may have been clues, but that's just because we can turn every single event or conversation around and make a whole new and different story about it.

I really do hope you don't become bitter or cynical through this experience. Please stay as you are!

 

 
Kirsten

Mild, thanks for your thoughts (again). What I definitely agree upon with you is the fact that one can only know what another tells us or is letting us know.

In his case, believed  it or not, I thought I knew more than I did, because over the course of three years, he told me a lot of things,big ones, but also small ones in detail that kind of led me to believe, that,layer by layer,letter by letter, I got to know him (and his biography). Him connecting me with other ppl (and I'm not only talking about these two other inmates,his former celly and the one I called mentor in the other thread), but also with one of his siblings, his child (and its mother)was to create an impression of belonging to a sort of somewhat extended family. This didn't happen overnight, it wasn't a rush in , like "We've written for a month and now he says he loves me" kinda thing.

What adds up is that there's quite a lot that can be found about his case, including a book written by a parent (together with a grief specialist) of his victim.  I think I did what I could to collect the facts and to put together the pieces of a puzzle. plus, the exchanges we had "straight from the horse's mouth" as the saying goes. So, maybe I thought I knew more than I actually did. Maybe i had interpretations or drew conclusions that were,if at all, only partially true. Maybe he or I o we also built up an image (of ourselves or/and the other) that was, while not even downright deceptive, at least made upof distorted perception.

it is very hard to decide for me whether to talk about this or not. Because I have strong thoughts and feelings about this and am anything but objective. And I don't wish to use his techniques and measures as I don't want to behave in the same way. Let me just say one thing. While being imprisoned at such a tender age for such a long time may take (or have taken) its toll on him mentally, it still takes a certain mindset, a certain way of thinking to act like he did. and this is NOT the mindset of a mentally ill person. this is the mindset of someone who is intelligent enough to sense other people's weaknesses and to tell them what they want (or need or seek) to hear to GET sth. out of these persons. Someone who thinks he's (whysoever) entitled to do that and who thinks he will get away with it, because it wouldn't come to light and he's somewhat invincible. But he erred, on both counts.

While the incident that led him to the hole may have been somewhat of a knee-jerk type of reaction, other things are not. That's planned, especially when it happens more than once. That's not a mental illness (unless maybe pathological narcissistic personality disorder, but it's not my job to diagnose him, I'll leave that to the counselors he's seeing).

And that's the other side of the the medal: If someone else had told me the story, I would probably have been able to see the flags. The professional inside of me would've known (and seen) the signs (and hopefully acted accordingly). But as it was, it wasn't the psychologist in an interaction with a client. It was the private person. And this private person had a clouded judgment due to emotions built in a process of 3 yrs of writing. If I need the perfect illustration of the value of "professional distance", well, here it is.

So, it's not really clear what's the hen or what's the egg here. Did some sort of traumatic experiences (and he had them, according what he told me and what's known about his bio) lead to his case and imprisonment? Probably. Were mental problems already immanent when he got imprisoned? Maybe yes, maybe no. There are hints for it, even documented ones, but not  in the sense that would justify an insanity plea, more like... impulse control issues, trauma, depression (whether uni or bipolar is unknown) and maybe sth.from the B-axis disorders as well, but... I didn't see the medical files.

Was being tried as an adult (while agewise being a minor) playing a role as well? Probably. A 16 year olds brain isn't done with its development. Did being captured in a max prison with career criminals help to better his condition? I may slightly doubt it. Did he have experiences in prison that could likely be classiie as traumatic as well or that did not help stabilize a somewhat fluid mental condition? I don't know for sure. But what I do know, is that when he gets out (and he will get out in a few years) he'll have been in longer than he had been free beore. And when I see his survival mechanisms... uhmm... well, good luck.

So, I can't say what kind of role (cause or intermediate) mental illness is playing here, but it is in some way a part of the equation, without being an excuse,, for, as I said,I see no need of an insanity plea here. But to discern which is which... what's character, what's personality (disorder and if so, which), what's environmental and what's mental (internally, I mean), I honestly don't know. That's sth. written communication don't give off, which leads back to only knowing what we're being shown.

@Carmen: Well,losing that contact might now hurt less than it seems. I do not regret having written to him and I value the things we shared. Yet there may be times when you gotta go and to let go. But whatever may derive from this, it was a big, big teaching for me, also to see where I have illusions or may be likely to deceive myself.

At the moment I'm working on it not becoming the big brush, ie. not seeing every prisoner through that lens and not opping writing altogether,just because of what happened with him.

 
Carmen163

To be honest Kirst, I don't know what to say. I'm just very sorry for you to lose a dear friend so suddenly and in a way that is difficult to understand. The only thing I very much hope is that you feel you've acted with integrity, that there is nothing about your actions and behaviour that is uncomfortable for you. I'm not saying all this had to be perfect, because that can't be (we're still human beings), but enough so to leave you with compassion for your former pp. Because if you'd lose the connection overall, that would be the biggest loss. 

I wish you much love for yourself and for your pp.

 

 
Kirsten

How to put a penpalship to rest... how to come to peace with not knowing... how to try and find out what's for real and what was an illusion and perhaps for a wile.

It's not easy to say. That pp this thread is about was the one the "back on the rollercoaster again" thread is about as well.

We wrote for 3 years, but with breaks and delays in it. I thought we had a pretty deep connection built, exchanging on all sorts of stuff.

He had other pps, so do I. He also had (from what I know) a gf for about 8 months or sth. (could be 9, I didn't count). Me, being in a longterm relationship (not with an inmate, 14 years anniversary tomorrow),it didn't bother me. He wrote me less, while the lady was there, but, as I said, no harm done.

Last year in June he got email at his facility. Wrote daily, sometimes twice. He connected me with three other guys. One we didn't like each other (from the get go), two i still write with.(One his - now former- celly, the other some sort of a mentor to him, a lifer, but older than him. Yet they knew each other prior to prison, as this lifer was going to schookl with one of rollercoaster's older siblings and was often around the house and on the street).

his - now former - celly, who will be released in November, told me a few things about both the incident that led to Rollercoaster first being on mental health watch and now in the hole. And also a few more general things, not necessarily correlated with that incident.

to put it carefully and mildly: it gave me a very different perspective on someone I thought I knew. Now... I take it all with a grain of salt (maybe Celly has a reason of wanting me to view things the way he paints them), but... on the other hand, it could make sense. And explain some other things, including Rollercoaster's request (which I declined) to open up a paypal account for him under my own name. (OF COURSE I didn't do). And I also didn't send $ regularly or anything. 10 on a bd or for Christmas,yes. Plus reply stamps. but that's it. So, there was no scam happening here. Though he might have that in mind,I don't know. (He cut me off on Valentine's day "I have to cease each and every communication with you") , to come back five weeks later with an explanation and an apology (and thereafter with flirting). i never thought stuff would happen that way because I thought that after 3 yrs.of writing things weresorted out in the sense of what we are and which is which. But maybe (and this is just a maybe, I don't know) he just used his looks and his way of expressing himself (got a way with words) to just, well... try one after another? and maybe this thing with the paypal account was his turn to try me.

The thing is. Even after 3 yrs. I'm not sure I knew the guy I thought to have become a friend. There's certainly a lot I don't know. The namecalling I got (by him, not by Celly or Mentor) was certainly unexpected. Whether this stems from mental illness or not, is secondary. He knew it would hurt. He isn't out of his mind enough to not know THAT.

So, best thing I can do for myself (and for now) is just move on. Mentor said (his words): "I don't recognize him any more." Well... , me neither, but that's sth.I can't fix or repair.

 
Kirsten

I will get through it, Freebird. A feeling of guilt is never easy to deal with.

Thanks for the reminder, I needed it.

 
freebird1

Kirsten, I am not qualified to offer advice or even opinions on this trauma you're going through. But I would like to say it seems you are holding yourself responsible in some way for what has happened, because you noticed something wasn't quite right but apparently didn't act upon it. Can I gently and kindly remind you of how many times you have spoken of not being responsible for someone else's actions?  I appreciate this is both a delicate and difficult situation, and you have every right to feel anger and hurt in equal measures. But please don't inflict them upon yourself as if you are somehow to blame. Taking time out can often help, but it doesn't always offer up solutions or even answers. You have always been here for so many people in times of troubles or anxiety... so never feel the need to apologise to anyone here for reaching out in time of need. I'm sure I speak  for more than just myself when I say you're in thoughts and mind and hope you can get through this. Affection, respect and high regard are all things you have earned..... and with absolutely no offence intended, seen as the matriarch figure with a family who holds you closely within. So by all means take time to self heal, but don't remain gone for too long. xxxx

 
Kirsten

@ Mild: I enjoyed your post about how you can relate to him post. It was an eyeopener of some sort.Thanks.

We haven't spoken. He's in the hole right now and I'm not sure how long he'll be in there.I doubt he has his tablet with himself. But even if, I'm not sure he'd write me.

His former cellmate (whom he himself connected me with) told me sth. i didn't know and it gave a new spotlight on things for me. If only I knew whether it was true or whether even his cellie wanted to well make me see things in a certain way. But... normally, he shouldn't even have told me. That code, you know. But he did, without being asked.

But there are some things you don't just go and ask anyone about - unless that person hints it himself. Which he never did and, if true (his celly might also be just throwing dirt, what do I know?!) he didn't tell me for good reasons. So, what's gossip and what's for real? What's mental illness and what isn't? who is (or has been) lying when and why? What remains after 3 yrs of writing? All questions I'm unable to answer right now.

And the worst: If that was a lie - are the other things I build genuine? I'm questioning and doubting EVERYTHING right now, literally. And the only person who might know answers to this is sitting in the hole. But even if he wasn't, I couldn't go and ask him. It would be ridiculous, if it would not be so sad at the same time. 

 
ST4s

My dear Kirsten, you are a shining star here, and every other place you go, I’d expect. Enjoy your holiday and remember, you are thought of in the highest terms by this anonymous (but not to you) yellow motorcycle.

 
Carmen163

@Kisten, if you ever want to vent, you have my email address...

I'm very sorry things have taken a turn for the worse. But, as I am sure you know: This too shall pass! Take care, dear Kirsten.

 
Kirsten

This is a saga and honestly, all I wanna do right now is run. Man... if I wanted to be part of a soap opera, I'd have applied as a comparse in getting one!

If anyone would've made this up, like for a noveel or a movie plot, chances would've been likely that producers had refused it for being too unreal.

I'm angry, I'm frustrated and I'm SO fed up right now! This is so corrupt, so bogus, so rotten plain fucked up!!

I'll think I'm gonna take a break, both from the forums and from writing to prisoners because I wouldn't wanna spoil it for anyone else. I'm NOT gonna throw in the towel, not permanently, that is, but if you don't hear from me for a while, don't worry, I'm just trying to calm down and not to lose my temper. It takes a while to get me there, but now I'm angry and it's better to leave me alone, then. Especially since no one else deserves to get it straight on the rocks and I wouldn't wanna get any innocent bystander getting hurt if I'm exploding!

For any newbies: Walk in with confidence, but be very well assured this ain't no cakewalk.

 
Carmen163

Ah, I see now, what I call being yourself is what is called here being your usual self. I can see the difference (I think) as being yourself is broader than being your usual self. What I mean though, is our core self, sort of like the big 5 characterises someone. I think we all have a certain personality and although you may do things sometimes different than the way your personality would suspect, you do have certain traits that more or less define who and how you are. 

@Kirsten I don't understand the 'full potential' comments you wrote, as to me (full) potential is a phantasy. I think we are all doing the best we can and that means we live our full potential at that moment. As Byron Katie said: "I'm living my full potential if I do the dishes. I can see that I left a stain on a plate and I may or may not rinse it again, depending on my full potential at that time." I think this is very true. We may think we could do better, but in fact we cannot do better, because we are not doing better. So potential is a phantasy, it's comparing reality to imagination. 

@Mild Assery Brainscans of people with mental health issues also show significant differences to the scans of healthy people. So I do think Alzheimers is an appropiate example. The fact that Alzheimers is degenerative only means we have a much clearer 'before and after' perspective. 

You say: it’s, again, just not the usual self you present certain people with. And I often think on that, when I really get angry or irritable, and people will get at me like I’m just not being myself, in my head I’m always thinking you just don’t fully know who I am but think you do and can speak on it with any certainty. (Don’t say this, tend to just stew on it.) I've been thinking about this and okay, I might present myself in a different way to some people, let's say in my former job as a teacher. I would present myself to be more strict than I really am. But how can I expect others to fully know who I am, when I've only shown this side of me? How can I expect students to think: "O, she won't mind when I don't bring my books, she is not strict." So, I don't understand your conclusion about how people are supposed to know that you are different. Maybe there is much logic to that, but then I seem to be missing it and I am curious about that. 

 

 
Kirsten

So, we're after the rain and the lightning now (Boy, this last half an hour made us have more rain than I don't know how many weeks... it's been good, though. The air feels fresh and clean) let me add what was on my mind, when the weather started interrupting me.

Carmen: You brought up a very good - and very general- question. Are ppl always themselves? is the way they present themselves during illnesses or difficult states of mental health a part of who they are or is their being (as a core9 indepent from that and can  therefore be influenced and or altered y circumstance(s)? that's a pretty philosophical question. is there a general, not religious or worldview-based answer to it? I don't know.

Is "potential" always positive (to see someone's potential, tolive one's potential9 or does potential encompass everything (including the ugly) ? if so, would it be desirable to live one's full potential? If my FULL potential encompasses everything I could achieve, do or be, would I really want it`? Plus, next question. is there a human potential (accessible to and by everyone) or do we all have different potentials? As a cherry tree will produce cherries, but no apples or pears?

musing (and going to bed, it's past midnight here now),

Kirsten

 

 
Kirsten

Me: "Time can be a great healer and clarifier. It'll do its work, I guess."

M.A.: There is no guessing—time will.

That's not clear. There ARE wounds time doesn't heal.One only learns to live with them better. But Yes to the clarifying part. so, the guess stays on for healing.

M.A. "Does your capacity to hold space for another meet certain limits also?"

I don't know yet.

@Mild Assery: Your post # 12 holds important questions and the answers to "why?" or "who would require you to do that?" have a lot to do with how I was raised. So, to find new (maybe different?) answers to that requires a lot of questioning regarding old family (and therefore familiar to me) beliefs. I'll have to work /think/feelthroughthis. Not fixed (or fixated) ab´nswers yet. And out here a thunder storm with heavy rainy breaks loos as I type. (Very fitting!) *lol* Gotta take my computer down, before some lightning catches it...

 
Carmen163

Kirsten: “Sometimes it might really be better to keep someone in mind the way we knew them.”

Mild Assery: And in this, would we not deny them the totality of who they are?

The question is: are they themselves in that situation? If someone is in a very bad place, mental health wise, are they at that time who they truly are? Soomeone with Alzheimers disease for instance, who has been a very sweet and loving person all their life, becomes very agressive and violent; is that the same person? A drug addict in desperate need of a fix, allows things to happen to them that they would never do in any other situation. Are they themselves? 

I can totally see how Kirsten is more than willing to see the shadow sides, the dark edges in someone. I think we all are, since we are writing to people who have shown those sides. But at some point people can be declared insane, which means they were not able to be of sound judgement (or probably some other legal words) and one may argue they were not themselves at that time. So, do you want to remember someone as themselves or in their state of insanity? I can see how the choice for the first option seems better. 

 
Kirsten

Read it. But unable to comment right now.

 
Kirsten

@Mild Assery:

After I slept over it, let me add 2 things:

"That we would instead feel it better if we simply deny them the full extent of their self-expression, or of the expression of their flawed humanity at any given time, and remember them only as we once believed them to be (in one state)?"

Me thinks that this is directly correlated with ourselves, i.e. our own ability to accept and embrace ourselves and our own humanity, including shadows, darknesses, etc. That very pp wrote way back a sentence to me capturing it better than I could: " Aren't we all beatifully flawed creatures?" I'd tend to agree. ;-)

2) Me (post #7): "I haven't spoken with that pp directly (I sent him a few lines, but haven't gotten a reply). Don't know when (and if) I will. It might take time. And with what I learnt now, it might be better that way."(emphasis added now).

That is - imo- also a very important part of that quote and to understand the question, Mild Assery. Because from what I understand he was (and still might be, Idk) experiencing a lot of feelings, with some abrupt changes. And from what his former cellie told me, he might be embarrassed once he calms down and is able to see a broader picture again. Or he might not, Idk, but I think he won't be proud of it.

And my feeling is that it might be better to wait. To not push him or ask questions or anything. And to not pick up the thread of a daily communication, at least not now.

Wherever that might lead (him, in the first place, our connection in the second), I think it can clear up things that may have been foggy or unclear or maybe just built on assumptions (about ourselves, each other and the nature of our bond), that may or may not be true. Whether we and our connection can stand this clarity or whether it'll fade with it, that's another cup of tea. I honestly don't know it and I wouldn't place a bet on either option right now.

Time can be a great healer and clarifier. It'll do its work, I guess.

 
Kirsten

"Kirsten, if I may? "

Of course you might. *smiles*

Me: “Sometimes it might really be better to keep someone in mind the way we knew them.”

You: "And in this, would we not deny them the totality of who they are? Which is a multifaceted being with many sides, many capabilities, many capacities? With light, but with darkness(es) and shadows too? Who isn’t only who we want them to be, who we know they can be, but containing within them and acting on those parts of themselves we may not want them to be or for ourselves to have to witness also? Those parts we may be scared of."

True. With every single statement. What I meant was not he shouldn't have these or be like this or that. No. What I mean is, that I wished he (or anyone, in fact) wouldn't have to go through it, you know. I'd like to spare him a few things - and myself perhaps, too. But I cannot - and I know it.  That's also being human, to perceive (and accept!) one's own limits of power. This is not in my hands - by no means. And please don't ask me what this is or might be good for - I got no clue. All I can do is hope (and believe, not know) that there is a reason for this.

I know a lot of ppl say "Everything happens for a reason." and I'm willing to believe it. In that case, though, I have to admit that I don't see it. Now, my mind is limited, I cannot understand everything. So, is my heart, I cannot love everyone or everything under each and every circumstance. So, this is the moment where the only thing I can do is take a leap of faith, hoping that sth. bigger than myself can and will take care of the matter.

"And when they would break from the mold (our mold), we would see fit to preserve them as a potentially false image of who we thought they once were, or limit their expansion (by limiting or not accommodating for their multifaceted humanity and being-ness, their unwitting expression of that), feeling it better than having to face that our image was flawed/limited and did not contain multitudes for all this person, multifaceted, was capable of being, of doing, of acting out? "

Hm... this is so you again. *smile* Always penetrating through things to discover what's illusion and what is not. Ok, go on, go ahead. Smash the illusions and let me see what will withstand... I guess,I 'm ready to hear that.

Yes, in some way. Because, you know, sometimes we're loving the image of someone, be it either the image of them we constructed to ourselves, or the one they (for whatever reason) presented to us, either consciously or unconsciously.

But probably, most of the time, it will be a combi of both. And if someone (as he for sure did) helps us to expand the idea we have of ourselves, shows us facets that are new or weren't lived, then it gets even more tricky. I think what happened here (on both sides) is the taking back of projections. I wasn't acting like he hoped I would, nor are his actions a direct re-action to me not doing that Paypal account, for example. (remember the other thread?) It's to see causes and effects, but to de-fuse it from guilt, as to not allow emotional blackmail. But it's also important to see and acknowledge that there were precursors, things that weren't perceived or taken as such, because of the mold.

So, to get out of the mold can be the only healthy thing, yet molds are often easier to handle. ;-) - and therefore sometimes preferred.

I thought about some things and I noticed something about my behavior I hadn't seen before: I rememered a statement of a colleague on a former job of mine (who was a psychologist, too). She said: "Well, yeah, you know, sometimes, when I hear ppl talk, I almost automatically think about what to answer." Maybe I didn't listen long enough or deeply enough. Maybe I was too quick with interpretation, before really GETTING it. That's one of the pitfalls, you know. Of counseling and coaching, that is. You learn a lot of things and you understand a lot of things - on an analytical level. Some other things you grasp better, because you KNOW them, the "been there, done that" factor, some you learn over time and with practical experience and others are completely foreign to you. Some of these foreign ones you get with time, others will remain foreign. I guess, part of my problem is, that I think ppl aren't that different after all. Which may be true, in the sense that everyone needs shelter and food and water and wants to belong somewhere, thus seeking acceptance, understanding and care. Plus other things. ( The feelings & needs lists...) But that we have the same needs and are able to feel the same feelings doesn't mean we are the same or act the same. And... coming from all these trainings and such, I maybe forget to stay humble and say: "I don't know what it is like because i never walked in your shoes." These studies and such... they all require you to find answers. And you find them. And it works. And that's fine. And it feels like : "Wow!" like having found the key to a knowledge you never had before. I remember how happy I was when I finally understood what was going on for/with my Mom at times. So often, while I was a kid, I just suffered from her behavior, but had no clue as to why and what caused it. And clinical psychology had an answer for that. And suddenly things made sense that never did make sense before. And even though I couldn't help her, it was such a relief! To at least finally know what was happening. But maybe I put that too high. And some things that are totally ok in one culture (or context) aren't in another. And that's about learning. As the saying goes: "You can't pour water in a cup that's full." So..., maybe I should've emptied the cup and put what I had learned aside and simply said: " I don't know how it is for you." Since prison is a really different world (even though I thought I knew a bit about those because I had done volunteer's work in a German prison, but the systems ARE different) and even the time before -how we were raised- is different. But, yeah, I didn't take the context enough into consideration and I probably was too biased by professional knowledge and personal assumptions to listen enough.

"but I don’t understand why one might feel it better to remember someone as we thought they were and not who new information may be showing us they are in totality."

*laughs* Because sometimes a 360° panorama is hard to handle, at least harder than self-constructed images. And also (not always, but for sure in that situation), because one would sometimes want to prevent certain things from happening.

"People are myriad."

Definitely!

Hey... thanks!
 

 
Kirsten

He's off the mental health watch now. Got transferred to another unit which has stricter and higher security rules, though. Since he had connected me with two other ppl before, one having been his (now former) cellmate, his cellie told me a bit about what took place there last Friday night. Not everyting, so and not with all the details. Which is ok and probably better for everyone involved.

I haven't spoken with that pp directly (I sent him a few lines, but haven't gotten a reply). Don't know when (and if) I will. It might take time. And with what I learnt now, it might be better that way.

Sometimes it might really be better to keep someone in mind the way we knew them. But if that pp wrote me again and told me about it (from his point of view) i wouldn't slam the door, neither.

I just regret one thing I wrote some time ago to that guy. Which was ok back then, but which (with the knowledge of now) I'd never have written. one can never be careful enough, but you know only what you're bein' told (unless you're a clairvoyant and that I'm not).

Pondering, but not beatin' myself up,

Kirsten

 
Kirsten

Hi everyone,

Dear Freebird and Carmen, thank you both.

@Freebird: Hugs are negotiable. ;-) yes, with the right persons and in situations where the hugs express care  and solace. No in the sense of: not always and not with or by everyone.But in moments like these, I'd probably both silently offer them as well as gladly receive them.

@Carmen: I agree, it's more than physical presence. In May, we both (without talking about it before) sent an anniversary card to each other, when we had completed 3 yrs of penpalling. I just smiled when I saw that. I mean, we aren't even a couple, but it was just funn<. You know, one of THOSE. And we never met in person.

So, him and me, that's really... special. Not like in "that special person", but it's unique. I don't have it with any of the others, not like that.

When he got email access and a tablet last year in June, we started emailing almost daily. Usually, I find one when I get up and write one in the evening. And sometimes another one in between. Definitely become a part of my life, though the first two years of correspondence had all been snailmail (letter bermuda triangle included, plus COVID delays and so on).

I noticed in the last two or three weeks he had been getting cranky, not his usual self. He's pretty humorous, sometimes self - ironical and that was gone, it was all oh so literal all of a sudden.

On June 1st he wrote me he had managed to speak to the unit counselor and I thought. "Ok, that's good!" on the 5th/6th this changed prty abruptly. He was pretty irritable, claiming I'd leave his life anyway (of course, I always do, after 3 yrs of regular writing I just dissolve into the air *irony off*), ppl ALWAYS go out of his life (yeah, some do, some don't and some ppl die, that happens, but I had no plans of abandoning him, at least none I would've been aware of) and I didn't care about him anyway. (No, never, I only interact daily with ppl I don't care about at all...).

Then he added two pretty mean phrases (I never read stuff like that from him, neither twards me, nor when he was making a remark about anyone else, not even staff he used these expressions for). It was like he was trying to create a self-fullfilling prophecy.

One of the phrases was really a mean one, one that he knew would hurt. And it did. Yet, I knew he wasn't his usual self, but i did neither want to get more of that, nordid I want to become snappy and sharp on my own.

So, I said: "Ok, listen I'm gonna take a break in writing for some days.I want to make sure that when we are talking I can talk to you the way I want to connect and xcommunicate with ppl. And maybe you can cool of a little as well in the meantime."

To which he just responded: "Ok, take a break." And I did. I didn't login or anything. And when I come back,i see he has been taken to mental health watch - and I found a note from his celly that he (my pp) isn't well right now. But what exactly happened? Silence.

Only thing his celly noted was: "He was really angry." (ahem... yeah, I noticed,,,)

And last night I woke up in the middle of the night (approx. 3am here), which would make around 6pm there and I had some very anxious feelings. I normally don't wake up at 3 AM. And when I finaly got up this morning I found and email from celly typed around that time (6.04 PM there)stating that he thinks that my pp won't be coming back into this unit,without explaining why. I don't know what took place there, his celly didn't give me any details (which is okay), but sth.is really wrong. And I mean REALLY wrong.

Hey, on June 2nd we were talking about college correspondence courses and now we're talking about mental health watch. It's just been 10 days.I'd love to know what happened...

@St4s: His state has a pretty detailed document (order) on how ppl on mental health watch shall be treated and dealt with. I read it as diligently as I can. If they do what they write and it's not all bogus and the "paper is being patient" philosophy (we say here. "Papier ist geduldig") then he should be treated ok.If they don't keep their own standards, well...we'll see. 

I was able to write him a few lines, but I doubt he can have his tablet with himself. We'll see, if/when/what I hear, either from his (now former) cellie or his mentor. This wild bunch... gonna make my hair fall out, all three of them. *grr* and *wink*, both,simultaneously. 

@LadyT: Thanks a lot as well. I'd do a lot if I could anchor him. But the longer I know him, the more I sense that there are things I don't know. Important things. (Important to get a deeoper understanding. And I feel like there's a missing link somewhere, something that would explain a lot to me if I knew about it. But I don't.

Well, time will tell.

Thank you all,

Kirsten

 

 
Lady_TaTas

Kirsten, Nothing worse then seeing someone you care about in pain and not have a way to make it better. And even with advanced training and education we can't put any of that to good use. I lived this pain first hand with my ex husband. Sending you much positive energy and healing not just for your pen pal but also strength for you. I know you will be the anchor that helps him find himself back to the shore..  

 
ST4s

Kirsten, I send you and your pp positive energy, strength, courage, and love.

A “correctional” facility’s definition of a mental health watch can be a monstrous thing, but some facilities do a much better job at this than others. Here’s hoping your friend is in the first kind of place, with a well-trained cadre who are up to the occasion.

And on the helplessness thing, please know that you are not alone. I get that way too when my buds are up against the tsunami forces of institutional indifference, or in the worst cases, institutional cruelty. It happens all too regularly. And it’s a roller coaster, following someone’s state of mind as they tolerate the intolerable, day by imprisoned day.

But I ride that roller coaster with my buds (and have been known to hold its operators to account when asked) because at some point, this gig goes way beyond pen pals – these people we share the journey with. They become much more than acquaintances and small-talk journalists. They become some of the most cherished people in our lives. And when they hurt, we hurt. And when they celebrate, we celebrate.

Here’s hoping you can both get back to the celebrating part, and soon.

 

 
Carmen163

Dear Kirsten, I am shocked by your post. I also can feel your frustration and anguish; it's heartbreaking. It's so awful and nerve wracking if we feel helpless. I mean, your mother was very ill some time ago (hopefully she's a lot better now) and that's very upsetting, but at least you could hold her, or help her by getting her a drink or whatever. Now this is not possible and that is a very heavy burden to carry. 

I don't know about you, but I do believe that the connection we have with our pp's, somehow goes beyond physical presence. I mean, we have to use other ways to deeply connect with each other, since we cannot see them or literally feel them/their charisma. So I'm sure your connection with him is there, somewhere inside him. My pp thinks that we incorporate little pieces of the people we engage with in ourselves.To me, that means there is a healthy part of you within your pp. I'm not sure this makes any sense at all, but this has helped me in the past when I was very afraid my pp would get Covid, since people were dying like flies around him. I would send 'good energy' in my mind to this healthy part to increase his chances of not getting sick. I don't know; you make up all sorts of things to not be completely helpless, I guess. 

So, I find myself sending good energy to you now. And a hug (or a handshake, a tap on the shoulder, or whatever you'd like to receive). Thank you for sharing this. Please keep us posted, with or without news. 

And for newbies: this is how profoundly deep a correspondence can get, which is a beautiful thing in your life. 

 
freebird1

Oh Kirsten. I was only thinking earlier how conspicuous you were by your abscence. Now you have revealed the reasons why, my heart goes out to you. Not because I have ever been in a similar situation, but because I feel your pain, anguish and frustration. What a terrible predicament of helplessness to be in. It won't help in the slightest, but if anyone has the strength and determination to deal with this, it's you. And even though sending words of condolence is nothing short of useless, I do hope you can take some small comfort in knowing there are many people here who care very much about you, and will all be experiencing heartfelt emotions. Here's hoping things improve very soon. Not sure if you are particularly receptive to hugs, virtual or in realtime, but I'm sending a couple of extra large ones anyway.