Sensitive topic

I’m sorry to hear you had a bad pen pal experience, MyMyself.  I definitely steer clear of any profiles trying to find romance.  While I understand some people may be looking for a partner, there are so many emotions involved, and I think looking for friends is a much healthier way of going about things, as in irl friends can turn into romance.  I always keep up that boundary because I know myself too well and can not be with anyone that is not present with me, as I love hugs and it’s the number thing for me (-: I do really wish you the best with your future pen pals, and it sounds like you feel you will be confident in the future.  Good advice for everyone, if someone is rushing “looking for my hot special lady tonight” or “looking for my big strong prince in shining armor” please keep in mind that is basically the equivalent of someone yelling out “hey baby” out of a car window or “you are my forever” on Tinder.  There will always be players, be it on a pen pal website, dating site, at the grocery store, at a party, at a bar.  

If what they write on their profile seems to Mc. Dreamy, it generally is... I mean, some people genuinely are wanting companionship with people in their lives and sometimes when you get that close to a person its hard to separate out the "I love you, you're such an amazing person and friend..." From the "I love you and I adore who you are, lets spend some more time together and see where this goes." But some people are playing the game whether its the short con, the overly sexualised profile and the things they want to do, or the long con, slowly they sneak up on you and build your trust and faith then ask for a million and one things... You just have to be careful.

It's difficult, but you did the right thing by ending what you had, don't let it overwhelm you.

I too wish there was a way to warn others or be warned about certain inmates. I'm worried that I may have accidentally written to some scammers and I don't want my time wasted. Maybe you can give general information without saying the name? Are loopholes allowed?

Thank you so much for your comments. His original post was "looking for friends". The new one is looking for women. Hopefully that will be a warning sign to others.

Thank you so much for your comments. His original post was "looking for friends". The new one is looking for women. Hopefully that will be a warning sign to others.

The problem is, some people are genuinely looking for a relationship or at least some very close companionship and there are a number of people that provide both including members such as Kirsten and IL_PPP among others... You just can't tell, you can just as easily get scammed on pof.com as you can on writeaprisoner.com. So scammers are everywhere. Don't let them prey on your lonliness or good heart.

We started as friends which was all I was looking for. This took place over the course of a year and I am sure I am not the only woman he scammed. It is just upsetting to see his new profile up. He was the only PP I had and I won't be having any more!

While you probably can't name and shame and all that stuff, you can elaborate on your experience.  The tactics used, the warning signs and red flags that you now see in hindsight, the specific scamming methods, without identifying the person involved.

There is nothing wrong or breaking the rules about that. 

You can’t post names but i guess if you wanted to warn others you could give out certain details. I agree with Galapagos too, if you could give more details about how it unfolded it may help others in the future. 

I also agree with Frankie, you can get conned by anyone anywhere (Dirty John on Netflix anyone?!)  , but I’m sorry this happened you, no one deserves to go through that. 

I'm sorry this experience for you was awful. Unfortunately, there are those that will take advantage of others kindness. You did the right thing by going into this with the best of intentions. Maybe, after some time has passed you may want to give it another shot? There are genuine people both in the real world and behind bars. 

True, northernyank, for every story of someone getting caught up in a con (and I applaud people who realize it and end it - the last thing anyone wants is to get used in a really bad way - there are terrible people out there who might try to get others to smuggle in stuff, not even caring that person would get into major trouble) there are also people who just want to talk to outside world people because they miss it, and they’re not looking for anything else.  If people want to give money, never do it because someone asked, do it because you want to.  And above all, never EVER do anything shady that will affect your future.

Can you please describe in more detail what he did to you that upset you?

[QUOTE]He was the only PP I had and I won't be having any more![/QUOTE]

And that's what really makes me angry about it! 

True, there are scammers. But many just are not. I'm writing for a little over a year now and I didn't have any unsolicited mail (it just didn't happen, I know many do get it, I did not), nor did anyone ever ask me for money. No, just no. And I do not think that I'm being extraordinarily lucky or anything.

And sorry, it really angers me to see how much power one single person is being given by making someone find the decision to not write to anyone else.

As much as I can understand your decision and as much as you have any right to make this decision, as much anger it causes (inside of me).

I guess, these people do not get how much trouble they're causing for others, for people who never di scam anyone.

I have given a little bit of money for Christmas or on birthdays or a few credit points for an email via GTL, but it never was taken for granted or openly asked for.

I have one inmate having asked me recently for a certain book and I've not yet decided on whether I'm going to send it to him or not. But that's the only thing I've ever been asked about in 13 momths.

There are really many prisoners who are not out there to scam you and I wish I could give anyone at least one good experience of which I got several.

I'm sorry that you're planning to give up on it completely - and I'm angry at people who do that kind of damage without realizing (or caring) what they're actually doing in the long run.

Just throwing it out there that my pal’s profile says the words “looking for friends” a couple times. But here he and I are... involved in something beyond that.

@Kirsten - I really don't get how someone else's decision to not write people in prison anymore can possibly make you so angry.  Her decision doesn't impact you in any possible way.  People deal with being hurt in different ways.  People have different things competing for their attention in life too.  Different priorities.  How one person's decision to not have anymore penpals can make a random internet stranger so angry is beyond me. 

I’m so sorry you had to go through that and that it’s messed up this whole experience for you! Some people are just shitty, but it doesn’t mean all people are. Although you’re allowed to react to this however you want and your feelings are completely valid. I think this is my worst fear, but I don’t want to let it hold me back from maybe developing some great friendships! We shall see though! Take care! 

I'm not angry about her decision at all - and I said so.

I'm angry about the fact that one single person (in that case: her pp) has enough personal power to make it happen through his own behavior. Since no one knows what other ppl she might have gotten to know had this one not been a "rotten egg". I think individuals often underestimate how much their behavior can make a difference. [

[QUOTE]Her decision doesn't impact you in any possible way.[/QUOTE]

Excuse me, but I've (not yet) turned into being that much of an egoist, that I'd only think about things which impact me directly and in person - and I hope i never will.

"I think individuals often underestimate how much their behavior can make a difference."

That seems interesting. Would you like to elaborate on this matter?
I always think that checking your life experiences is enriching.

@Anderson, I don't want to reply on behalf of Kirsten, but I can understand what they are saying. As anyone who has come through highschool with bullies, or an abusive relationship, or overcritical parents, or being threatened by a hooded youth on the tube, can tell you... all of these can be perpetrated by a single person, one time or maybe over a course of months or years, that will affect you for potentially your entire life. Experiences *do* change your view of the world (and of yourself), so I can totally agree with the anger felt about one person's bad behaviour/manipulativeness making this person distrust penpals in future. It's anger at manipulative, untrustworthy people betraying that trust so that the person will from then on always doubt their judgement.

I'm not sure what you mean by "checking your life experiences"... it's not a difficult concept to see in many situations and many peoples lives. Surely you know someone who has altered their behaviour or viewpoint based on the actions of another person?

[edit] (because I can't actually edit)

Posted before I finished my comment:

So those individuals in all of those situations I mentioned, probably never even thought about the affect that they would have in a wider context? Does the teenager boyfriend who dumps his girlfriend and tells her it's "because she's fat" ever think of the fact that his comment has impacted her confidence in her body and every single other relationship she's been in? Does that con-woman who pulled that guy in the bar by saying how amazing and interesting he is (then drugs him and steals his wallet in the hotel room) ever consider all of the times from now on when a genuinely nice woman will compliment him in a bar and he will immediately back off? There are countless examples, and yes, I don't think the original perpetrator ever considered that their actions would have a long-lasting impact on the future thoughts and interactions of their victim.

Very well written, Reyenah and more beautifully worded than I could possibly have done. You exactly described it the way I meant it. If there was a "thank you for this posting" button, I'd gladly use it now.

let me just add one phrase a person I learnt a lot from always used when I was younger: "The next word you say can change the world - euither yours, that of another one or both."

The words we use in writing can have a lot of an impact, both ways, for good or bad. And I never believed in individuals being powerless.

That's why penpaling is a lot of responsibility, too with a big possible impact. And that's why I am so angry when I see people like this penpal mis-use their own personal power.

And I'm happy that especially the first guy who replied to me made it so easy for me to build a bridge and walk over it. Because that first experience was for me an encouragement to take more penpals. So much for an individual's personal impact. 

Reyenah, obviously the concept isn't complex, but checking other people experiences is enriching, as it adds more examples and perspectives for my own life. That's part of what I seek writing letters... So thank you for your reply.