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So I finally told my mom

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CherryAmour
CherryAmour's picture
So I finally told my mom

Hi everyone so I'm adult woman in my 20's I still live at home currently and this past week I finally decided to tell my mom about my PP and she wasn't exactly happy about it, what parent really would be :/ I decided that I was tired of keeping it a secret she was bound to find out anyway with the letters and phone calls. But I've just been feeling down about telling her I'm starting to regret even saying anything. She just doesn't understand we gotta into a big argument and she basically said " You're just wasting your time, He can't do anything for you, There's plenty of men in the real world what's so interesting about a man in prison!?" It's not even like that me and my PP are just friends we talk about regular mundane things and my mom just doesn't get that and she said she'll never understand why I would do something like this! Her main concern is that I'm ruining my life and that when my PP gets out which is in two years. He's going to either murder me, kidnap or assault me. Not to say that things don't happen but I also think her watching so many murder shows and The ID Channel play a big role in her mind of scenarios. Also she thinks I'm going to send him money! Which I never will! I've never sent or given any man money and I don't intend to ever! If it ever came to that and he asked I would probably end communicating. I feel like my pp is a good person and has learned from his past but I never truly no what someone's thought process is. He has been institutionalized for a while 10+ years and I know he thinks differently than me but I don't feel like as soon as he gets out he's going to butcher me! It could happen but the odds are probably 1 in a million. He's been in trouble all his life basically but this was the one time he got caught and they gave him so much time! hes not a murderer or rapist or a CM. He went in for armed robbery and I know that's bad and it could've went a completely different way and turned into murder but it didn't. I just really need some advice to feel better or if any of you have any stories about what it was like to tell your family that you were talking to someone in prison? How did it go? Did you argue or did your family stop talking to you? Or have you never told anyone? I was planning on never saying anything to my mom or family but I felt like I was keeping my PP a secret and he felt the same way if I enjoy talking with him and he makes me happy than why should I have to hide it. My mom says she doesn't understand it and she'll never understand it. But I'm an adult and I make my own decisions about who I talk to it's none of my business but I want you to be mindful and careful of what you're doing. I wish I could get he to understand but she comes from a different era. It's funny though because she's not perfect. She use to talk to and deal with "unlawful" dudes back in the day but maybe she doesn't want the same for me. I personally honest to god don't think I'm doing anything wrong! Everyone gets lonely and needs a friend. And everyone that's in prison isn't a bad person! I did the whole pen pal thing because I was really just curious! During the pandemic being stuck in the house was driving me crazy and maybe even a little sad and lonely like everyone and when I came across WAP I just got so curious about it! I took my time reading ads and going through everyone. Until I found my PP and I don't know everything just clicked like I knew he was the one :) he makes me so happy and I'm glad I reached out to him! And he feels the same way about me :) I wish I could make my mom understand but I don't think she ever will. She's kind've giving me the cold shoulder but she'll get over it, not completely but she will. She kept saying she never thought in a million years I would do something like this and she said I thought you had higher standards about this stuff! But people in prison are still people they're not all bad and they have humanity about themselves! And if I can be a good friend to them and show a little kindness than why not!

CherryAmour
CherryAmour's picture

He still talks with his family but all his friends in the outside abandoned him :( my mom told me not to think I was the only girl he was talking to he probably has hundreds of women writing him and sending him stuff and to be honest that made me laugh in my head because I honestly wouldn't care he's a grown man and can talk to whoever! We're just friends just like I talk to men in the free world me and my pp aren't in a relationship we're just friends. We've expressed that we both like each other but it's nothing serious it's just friendship. 

SidheEire
SidheEire's picture

As a mother myself I can understand that she is worried. Let's face it, the potential of a possible relationship is there and that's probably why she reacted the way she did. She is worried. So cut her some slack and try to see things from her side. Most women overthink things anyway and that becomes a lot worse once you have a child. What if..

Maybe wait a few days, cook a nice meal for your Mom and yourself, relax and explain why you did what you did. Be open with her without being confrontational and tell her you don't want to fight but share with her.

Carmen163
Carmen163's picture

CherryAmour, I think it is wonderful that you want to share things that are happening in your life, with your mom. Obviously you and your mom love each other very much and that is something to cherish. 

I'm with SidheEire on this one. Moms worry. It is sort of in their job descreption: "always try to protect your child from anything bad that can happen". And seemingly your mom is very good at her job. She spots all kinds of potential dangers and worries about them. Therefore it is very logical that she is not listening to you. She is worrying and that gets in the way of listening. On the other hand, you want to have your mom's understanding and maybe even approval. So that gets in the way for you to listen to your mom. 

So, the suggestion of SidheEire to get some quality time together and talk again, is very good. And this time, try to listen to your mom and ask your mom to listen to you. You might want to show her a letter of your pp, so she can get to know (about) him. Maybe she will never truly understand you and the other way around, but that's okay. As long as you try to listen to each other. It's a bit like with our pp's, we may never truly understand how they came about commiting their crime, but we try to listen to them. 

VioletGrey
VioletGrey's picture

"My mom says she doesn't understand it and she'll never understand it."

What she means is she doesn't understand it, and she's not willing to try, so the over explaining isn't really necessary. Good on you for writing to inmates in the first place, it shows your compassionate person that sees that everyone is human with the same needs as the rest of us. Good on you for sharing your experience with your mum, unfortunately her stance for the moment is very anti-pen pal so I would just leave it where it is. 
 

I have a 3 year old daughter and I'm now 32. Being that I started writing to inmates when I was 19, I of course wouldn't react that way, since I've experienced it myself. Worry is fine, but like you said, you're in your 20's and can make decisions for yourself. One of my pen pals turned into more of a romantic relationship and I told my family. They basically just take the piss and make jokes. My sister in law is the only one who asks genuinely how he is and about our relationship. At one point I let other people's opinions outweigh my own and stopped contact with my pen pal,which didn't make me happy, and didn't really matter to my family. So I've learnt now to just answer any genuine questions from family, and ignore the jokes. Luckily the WAP family are a place where you can come to be heard by people who understand, and all my friends, are supportive and understanding. You have to discern how your pen pal relationship/friendship effects you and only you, and move forward from there, with or without approval of others. 
Hope your mum sits with it for a while and decides it isn't so dangerous or terrible as she's assuming. 

Lady_TaTas
Lady_TaTas's picture

I can certainly undersand our families worry given all the publicity and negativity surrounding inmates, not to mention all the horror stories all over the internet, even on here. With all that being said, those who love and genuinely love us unconditional will tame their worry with the faith that we are mature enough to make our own decisions. The decisions made with as many facts, and with our eyes wide open.

I was in a relationship with an inmate for 9 months. My sister was very supportive. When I had doubts she swooped in with a flashlight to help me find my way back to the love I had felt from him and felt grow in my heart. When I felt alone, she reminded me of the love we shared and was instrumental in giving me support and clarity through all of it. Never once did she question my decision, show genuine worry or say anything beyond supportive sisterly advice. For this I will always be grateful for.

When my relationship ended, and my sister was sure I was adamant in that decision. She sat me down and told me she was so worried. She knew my ex was in prison for murdering his soon to be ex 22 years ago. That face of support and love quickly faded away to all the worry she had been holding back for the past 9 months. I had no clue whatsoever she felt these feelings. But she quickly said, she would always trust in my heart and trust in my decisions. Sometimes, those who love us can put aside their worry and anxiety to still give us the love and support we need. 

Ginger84
Ginger84's picture

From reading your story, sounds like your mother, really care about you; she just does not want her baby girl get hurt in anyway as she trying to protect you as much as she can, which it is so sweet;

i am a mother with 2 children from my previous partner and i would probably do the same without notice it; in fact you state that you would not fall in love with your penpal, haha i think some of us say that um; i know i said that at first haha; nah i am not going to fall in love with my pen pal but now i am very happy to be engage with him and i love him so much; he is always been there for me; so never know, this can happen. 

i did not have an mother, who is caring as much as yours; i grew up with my father so i was worried that he was the same, but he just went straight offensive side

  •   'no i do not want an mexican in my family
  • his in prison doughter for a long time, he just want an chick and it could say this to every chick that he sees. 

well its nothing like those things at all, and we both love each other, well now its 9months and we are still going strong, stronger each time and my dad sees these things, yeah he still does not like that i am going out with my pen pal but his bit calmer. Recently i found out to have an life with him, i have to move to mexico as he can not come to Australia due to his criminal history so my dad is loosing me as soon i would not be living in Australia; so i am guessing its very hard to be an parrent. 

Well my suggestion, is to have one on one with your mother and maybe show her some letters and if you get phone calls with your pen pal, when you both ready ask him if he would like to talk to your mother, as she may find out it easier if she talks to him in the future; when things are right!

Anyway good luck, you are doing an good job to be an pen pal to an prisoners. 

 

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

Well, it depends.., normally I'd probably be pretty laid back about it (Imean, I'm writing to prisoners myself). But, to be fully honest with you, I've seen two guys on here (and both are on the side of the age scale that would be of interest to a girl from, let's say 18 to her mid-twenties, if she's looking for someone of her own age) who both - after reading their ads and researching them, just give me the the creeps.

I'm not easily frightened and I'm always willing to see the good in ppl, but with these two, my ability to do it fails me. And one of them is (from what I know about clinical psychology) really, really dangerous, but intelligent enough to make anyone go through hoops for him if that should be what he pleases. A true psychopath in the psychological textbook sense. And if I would learn my daughter writing to him, I'd throw the mother of all fits and try to do everything in my reach to stop it! (And this fromme, who truly believes in making one's own experiences and has a rather liberal take on justice systems and rehabilitation).

So, my stance from your Mom's pov  would be to get to know the facts and for you to give the facts. AS for my own family, nope, I didn't tell them - but I'm 44, so, my situation is a bit different. I've been living on my own since 1997, so... it doesn't matter anymore. My life's been built. Some facts they like, some they don't, but it never bothered me much.

Ultimately, it's your life and you need to live it. But I wouldn't just rebel or argue over it - you need neither justify yourself, nor convince her. Trying to navigate a middle path between autonomy and connection isn't always easy, but can be done.

Good luck,

Kirsten 

Carmen163
Carmen163's picture

@Kirsten I am getting worried myself now. What makes their add so creepy? Shouldn't WAP be notified? Or the prison? Do you have any advice for people how to spot those dangerous people? 

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

@Carmen: WAP discloses their crimes and it is ok to google any info (something that WAP points out as well). The profiles itself sound relatively harmless. That's not the point.When you look up their crimes and look up their age and how long they've been in prison (meaning, how young they must ve been when they did what put them into prison, that was the first thing that made me stumble. Most kids don't think of such atrocity at such young ages. That's uncommon and disquietening, because you do have to get the ideas from somewhere. That doesn't fall from the sky, like getting up and saying: "Ok, I'm a child  and today I'm gonna rape and murder a kid even younger than myself." It's not on many kids' minds.

And on one of these two there's a lot of material. If you google his name, you gonna find a lot. And I mean a lot. You could spend a few hours on the net just looking and reading through stuff on him and his family members you might find. And even without being sensation seeking you would find a lot of deeply disturbing stuff. And someone who is very apt with the media, very able to guide an interview into directions he wants it to go. And I bet on it: That guy is also able to tell any therapist what that therapist might want to hear. Because he seems to possesss that cold empathy in abundance. Which isn't empathy at all, but simply comprehending ppl in a very quick and encompassing manner. He gets the weaknesses of ppl - and he uses that knowledge. These are the guys that make ppl fall in love with them while having the corpse of yet another murder in their cars. (Not that he did, but he seems to have the personality structure to be able to do it). Because alone what he did after his crime - that wasn't a shocked kid, that was an actor. (There do exist recording of the call, even on the net). It's just a matter of how deeply you look into things and do your research.

But some maybe don't. They see the documentation that was done, google his name and find his ad on WAP. And then? "Anyone wrote him and did you get a reply?" Obviously someone did - he ain't on the "needs mail" list. But I never heard someone who did write him talk about it openly- on any forums. WHich might be the only good thing about it, to keep at least some sort of dignity in all this cruelty.

But you know how young girls can be at times (weren't many of us all romantical and blissfully unaware of its possible pitfalls?) But while ignorance CAN be a bliss at times, at others it can get hurtfully dangerous. And I can almost hear the "He has never been really loved or understood by anyone" .

@Cherry Amour: I'm not saying that you are one of those girls, nor is your pp that guy I'm talking about.

But yes, I can understand that there are ppl on this site also, who would cause reasonable and caring parents or grandparents jump onto their feet and wanting to live out some protective impulses.

And @Carmen: I don't think that there might be any way to cut his right off for having penpals. That would go too far. But what it takes is media competence, diligent research, plus the ever valid advice to be careful and keep your head switched on.

ChocoTacoBanana
ChocoTacoBanana's picture

I am incredibly curious now about these profiles you found creepy, and by their profiles knowoing they would be good at manipulating people's emotions. Although not the point of the post, I am very intrigued. I have seen one or two profiles that made me very uneasy reading them just by the way they talked. For whatever reason google didn't bring up any info of them or their crimes despite having a unique name.

 

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

@ChocoTacoBanana: As said above, on one of them there's a lot to be found. You know these threads on here: "Anyone writing to xyz?" in that specific case, well, I googled, read, watched and read a bit more, stopping at one point, because my stomach made cartwheels and I didn't want to get my meal back.

The other one, well, someone actually asked me what I thought of the guy (in an email). So. I did some research on it as well and just responded that I personally wouldn't write to hiom because it seems to me that there are serious issues going on.

But ultimately, hey... some wanna play with fire, so they risk getting burned. And who am I to hide the box of matchboxes? 

What maybe seems intriguing to it, is probably my way of reading and interpreting,I guess. And that's something I can hardly explain. It's so normal for me that I wouldn't really know what so say about it. It's pretty much a mix of logic, gut feeling and psychological knowledge, learning and synesthesia. (Something I've also been having forever, but it helps a lot in memorizing and stuff like that).

Though, don't get me wrong, my interpretation is as susceptible as anyone's, it's not that everything i sense or perceive is correct. But I'd say I had some substantial training, bnot only on getting results, but also at questioning the ways my brain takes to come to them.

So, actually, what would you like to know? How I read profiles? Whether these two that made you feel uneasy make me feel uneasy as well? Or what?

Well, how do you read profiles? But that is a new thread, if at all.

SidheEire
SidheEire's picture

Kristen, I know who you mean. I googled him too and although I'm pretty hardboiled, I reeled from what I read...

ChocoTacoBanana
ChocoTacoBanana's picture

I was just curioous abot the names of the people you found creepy on this site. Was going to do googling as well.

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

That's the only thing I cannot do- give names out. Points of service rules. But i gave enough info about the one that especially creeped me out. If you put the pieces together and find a recent thread, you'll know who to google.

Mild Assery
Mild Assery's picture

Sorry, moving comments to the right thread:

If I'm not entirely off-base, what's interesting is I think I thought about writing one of the people Kirsten is referring to. Hard to know that I'm right, but in this person's case, they had a new blog entry posted on the site and I was reading through the blogs when I stumbled across it and found it very... different. Interesting. Then I read their profile (which I'll admit to also finding interesting, the way it was written, the tone of it - and then reading about his IQ and his qualifying as a genius, I could see why) and realized they were one of the higher profile prisoners and furthermore had a crime against a child (but I never looked into the details of it, didn't think it involved sexual assault, however*). But I also watched one of this person's interviews. It didn't creep me out, but I could see how unfeeling he was. And in the one I watched, his mother was present and listening in.

*Just did now, and I believe this is definitely who is being talked about. I somehow missed the part of the crime where it involved sexual assault also, I thought it was only a murder case.

-

Link for the curious but still having trouble finding it

Link to his blog post reviewing his worst reads as of 2 years ago (this was the one I stumbled across, it was posted this year)

He is said to have an IQ of 141.

Carmen163
Carmen163's picture

Thank you Mild Assery, I was getting a bit frustrated with the whole Sherlock Holmes/Cluedo kind of quest going on.  

SidheEire
SidheEire's picture

He was 14 when he molested and killed his 4 year old sister.

Carmen163
Carmen163's picture

So I've read the profile and some articles from the NY post, as I couldn't find any other 'serious' articles. Yes, this is a very insane person.

I must say though, the fact that he refers to the documentairy is something I appreciate. I also tried to find out if the character of Kevin from the movie: "We need to talk about Kevin" was based upon him, but apparantely it wasn't. Although it does remind me a lot of the Kevin story. Has anyone else seen that movie or read the book? It's chilling... 

 

 

Mild Assery
Mild Assery's picture

That is one of those books that usually ends up being on must-read of all time lists but that I always seem to skip over. You know those books. Usually for me it's with certain classics. I also have never read or watched Fahrenheit 451, nor A Clockwork Orange (hiding face behind a bodice-ripper).

Mild Assery
Mild Assery's picture

But being serious (though I also was being serious), yes, they are one of the ones for whom WAP doesn't have the full details of their crime listed, so I see now what might've led me to being unaware of the molestation. I was going off of what is listed by WAP, and being that I lost interest, I think I personally didn't look any further into it than on the surface/the first search results I came across.

CherryAmour
CherryAmour's picture

Thanks for the advice everyone, even though it kind of got off topic. My mom doesn't really want to hear anything about my pp it feels like our relationship is strained now :( I'm regretting saying anything. But I didn't want to keep anything a secret anymore. I wish she would just sit down and listen to me. But she keeps avoiding the topic or pretends that she doesn't hear me. I keep crying and trying to pray that things will get better but maybe because it's such new information to her she just doesn't want to understand it :( I wish I could show her my pp's pictures and letters but she just won't accept what I'm doing. She told my that my PP could never do anything for me in life and that I'm just wasting my time. She just doesn't get it :( he's such a great guy! It's not even about him doing anything for me we're just friends now yes it is possible that a relationship could be there me and my pp have expressed that we both like each other but idk, We'd have to see how things go. And understand that men lie and can say exactly what you want to hear while they're in prison and then completely forget about you when they're released and if that were to happen of course I would be upset but I'd have to accept it. I care about my pp and he cares about me. When I wrote my pp it was really out of curiosity but also I was feeling lonely :( And so was my pp it's great to still talk to your family but everyone gets lonely and needs a friend, And like I said everyone in prison isn't a bad person. If I were to have had a regular pp in the free world he would've been a complete stranger too! they could've tracked me down and wanted to murder me or hurt me so what's the difference of talking to a stranger in the real world and someone in prison? Everything's a risk nowadays so why not take a chance! I just wish I could get my mom to see that :(

CherryAmour
CherryAmour's picture

He makes me feel so happy whenever we talk over the phone! I haven't felt this way in a long time about anyone. We talk about everything and I really want to visit him soon :)

Carmen163
Carmen163's picture

@CherryAmour, I am sorry I went off topic. Thank you for updating us. 

To me it sounds like you and your mom are in a position where it is not possible for either one of you to move. I mean, she is upset and disappointed that you are 'waisting your time' and you are upset and dissapointed that she doesn't see your pp the way you see him. I would suggest that you lay off this topic for a while. Let her recover from the shock and most of all, be your happy self. Hopefully in time, she will get curious about your pp and maybe then you are able to share your feelings for him with her.

Maybe it is best to not push her into liking your pp or understanding you and just leave it for a while. You wouldn't like her to push you into liking something as well, would you? Well, your mom is just like you (or the other way around) so give her some space.

I hope you stop crying, I am very sorry to read that you are so upset about the situation. Try to take it one day at the time, hopefully in the near future this will all be a story to smile about. 

mjuran
mjuran's picture

CherryAmour, I think when your mother has had some time pass in which she sees you doing what you have chosen to do (as an adult) and doing well with it, not getting your heart broken, not getting stressed or unhappy or changing character or doing wild things out character (who knows what mothers can imagine?)--then she will calm down.  She'll see that you ARE an adult, because you'll have been acting like an adult, handling your own adult business even if it's in disagreement with her ideas of what's best for you.  Mothers do not have crystal balls with which to see into the future, they only have fears for their children, and want them to be able to handle themselves in the world without getting hurt.  If you feel good about what you're doing with this relationship you have, keep it and show your mother in actions, not words, that she can feel secure about her daughter's choices.  Give it some time, too--it won't happen overnight. 

mjuran
mjuran's picture

By the way my mother turned 80 last year, meaning I've been an adult for quite a while, but she still does not like that I write to prisoners and would rather not know the details about it.  However I notice she has softened her view on it, or at least her  feelings on it, somewhat in this past year + that I've been writing to prisoners.  It still bothers me that she doesn't like it and I don't anticipate a time when we'll cozy up in front of the kitchen fire and trade PP stories together...but that is okay.  I've also learned not to live my life by what suits her for her, because we are not the same person...

SidheEire
SidheEire's picture

I also think that living with your mother makes it more difficult as she has not yet seen you living out in the world independently, making it on your own.