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Thank you

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mowmow222
mowmow222's picture
Thank you

I just want to say thanks to all the wonderful people on the forum who took the time to share their advice and experiences on my post a couple of days ago. 
 
Since writing my post, I've told him my boundaries and just been completely honest about why I felt that way, my thought process. He was kind and understanding. It was a nice conversation, isn't it weird how easy it is to have honest conversations with somebody who's an inmate, but we struggle all our lives to do with people we see every day? 
 
I had the confidence to set my boundaries, and I feel like a new person, I've never been able to do that before with anything in my life. Ive always been the go to person for covering a shift, giving lifts, anything, I can't say no. But now I feel like I can, and be able to explain why without being apologetic and riddled with guilt. 
 
Also at the same time, I've learned not all compliments are predatory and objectifying me. He's an inmate, I'm young and attractive (I cringe saying that, but somebody on here told me to love myself lol), we're similar ages, he's going to say something. But it was polite, I thanked him, and we moved on with our conversation. 
 
My PP has really enabled me to reflect on myself. It's really been beneficial to me and an eye opener, and I hope I'm helping him too. 

Farfromhome
Farfromhome's picture

It is amazing how writing to pen pals can boost your confidence so much. 
I've learnt so much about myself and the world through my pp's. I can never thank them enough for that. 
I'm far more happier as a result. 
So hopefully your confidence will continue to grow also!

LotusBlossom
LotusBlossom's picture

I'm so glad you're feeling better mowmow, and learning to love yourself the way you deserve to be loved!  You go girl.

It's good advice for me too, people sometimes ask for photos and in my case it's more my attitude of "don't try to control me, creepy!  I do what I want" but I love doing photos, just on my time and the way I want lol, I know stubborn much.  So I'm sure the next time someone asks Instead of me going "ew no only when I want to" I'll ask "why?  Is it because I'm so smoking?  Send me a 15 page essay on why and I'll consider it"

LotusBlossom
LotusBlossom's picture

Or maybe I'll tell them they have to get down on their knees to ask, lmao 

freebird1
freebird1's picture

Omg Lotus ...   "..is it because I'm so smoking? Send me a 15 page essay on why and I'll consider it".  I am just doubled up. What a perfect come back!  You rock girl.

Perhaps asking them to get down on their knees to ask, needs some consideration as to how that might be intepreted??? Lmfao.

LotusBlossom
LotusBlossom's picture

Lol freebird! My next post may be entitled "whoops all of my pen pals think I'm a dominatrix help" 

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

@mowmow: If you saw me right now, you'd see one thing: A big broad smile! You did it in a wonderful way. And farfromhome is right: writing to inmates has taught me so much as well. It's been a real booster of growth -hopefully both ways. 

May you continue to thrive and become more and more self-confident with each passing day. 

mowmow222
mowmow222's picture

Haha yes I feel a lot better thanks to all you guys here :) I never would have had the confidence to set my boundaries loud and clear without your advice. It helped me understand that he (along with other inmates I imagine) just need a clear set of boundaries, rather than just a vague quiet no or maybe. 
 
I'm glad I stuck with the correspondence too as suggested by VioletGrey? (I think that was their username). As I don't know why I was expecting something perfect straight out the box. 
 
I agree, photos should be on your terms as its you that's you're sharing haha! I liked the essay idea, might throw that one at him if he ever asks again :P 

VioletGrey
VioletGrey's picture

lol Lotus, I do very much like your reply, and look forward to that future post.... 

Mowmow - I think I might have said the opposite! *gasp* round peg in a square hole... but I'm glad you figured out you weren't such different shapes after all.  I'm glad you took the advice from everyone else to assert those boundaries without feeling guilty, and that your correspondence has freed up a little now that you've put it out there. 

mowmow222
mowmow222's picture

 

VioletGrey, yes you did say that! And I did also think perhaps that could be the case. But from your reply I also took this;

"Not everyone gets that instant click with a PP and a lot of the time there is work to be put in from both sides, if both sides are willing and committed. Most often, we have to lay boundaries and keep re-laying boundaries as the relationship moves and flows and changes over time."

Which is where I thought more about seeing where the next few mail exchanges go, and being more firm in my boundaries, explaining my point of view. My thoughts were heard and respected, and I appreciate that. 

VioletGrey
VioletGrey's picture

Haha oh well, so I did! And I'll stand by that quote too. :D

It's heartening to hear that you didn't just give up at the first sign of difficulty. There are lots that would gave just written him off and been done with it, so I really am glad that you took that leap of faith. 
Just don't expect boundaries to always stay the same, as the friendship evolves, so will the boundaries but you've had a good bit of practice with laying it out so you can take that confidence into the next one as well.