I'm a guy in my late 20s who's looking to write male inmates (not looking for romantic relationship). Mostly out of curiously, partly to get perspective on inmate life. I've sent out a few letters to get the ball rolling. I just want to know what to expect. I'm assuming the guys I wrote will probably have tons of mail coming in from other people (they're around my age and have well written profiles + decent photos).
I know there's that scam going on in the Kentucky prisons where they want to scam gay men. I definitely won't fall for those. However I may want to send out a bit of funds or care packages (will research contraband rules beforehand) at some point to inmates I feel who genuinely need it. So I guess I want to know what I should look out for in regards to money scams and any forms of manipulation in general.
Also (this is likely frowned upon) but is there a way to get penpal feedback/history on some inmates to know not to waste time writing them?
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*curiosity
Hello there ! I wrote a ton of "gay" inmates in the beginning (when I was unaware of the gay scam), but they never wrote back ; probably because they were smart enough to see that I wasn't gullible and easy to manipulate. Only one supposedly gay inmate responded and you could easily see that from the first letter he was leaving hints about needing money. In other words, I think it's pretty easy to get a feeling of who you're dealing with. I write to two guys at the moment and have a different relationship/feeling with each one of them. What I mean is that it's going to come naturally and you'll be able to see who you're dealing with from the conversation you develop with them. If you have someone with whom you really talk about various subjects and someone who leaves subtle hints about money issues etc etc in his letters... Happy writing
I mean, I wouldn't necessarily assume that people will have a lot of letters unless you're writing a famous person or something like that. I imagined that the two guys I chose to write would have a lot of people corresponding with them because of the same circumstances-- able to type well, decent pictures, etc-- and both brought up that I'm the only person they talk to outside besides their families. So for starters, I would go into it not being shocked if they're writing more than one person, but also not being surprised if you're the only one, too.
I think you may just have to use your gut on this one. I got two good ones right off the bat who have never asked for money, but if the first thing that your new pal talks to you about is how you can help them with funds, that might be a sign you're not a good match. Like I said, I haven't had experience with a pal being manipulative, but I think generally you tend to know? Like, do they send you commissary wishlists with what they want you to buy when you've never offered, do they ask you constantly to buy things for them, etc. It's not going to be subtle, is the general feeling I've gotten.
As far as manipulation in general? Just go into it as you could any other new friendship-- you wouldn't just spill everything about yourself to a new acquaintance, right? Probably the best piece of advice I've gotten on this forum is that it's a marathon, not a sprint. It's tempting at first to go all in-- you feel really special when you get a letter! it's awesome, you want this feeling of specialness to continue!-- but that's kind of doing a disservice to you both. Like, are you hyped about who this person actually is or just your idea of them? I think if you keep that in mind as you write and just exercise a normal amount of common sense, you'll be fine. :)
I don't know about pen pal feedback-- there are so many new/unknown peeps on here I think you just have to give it a shot and see what happens, honestly.
And congrats on choosing to write someone! I'm sure it'll make them really happy.
No, there isn't. Not if you mean looking for full names and stories. At least there shouldn't be, given the terms of service.
Don't be too optimistic about getting many responses, though. Guys are around guys all the time, so many of them aren't particularly looking out for yet another male.
But there are exceptions, of course.
As for sending money: Don't do it from the beginning and go with your guts if you do.
What to expect? Well, inmates are as different personalities as others and just as unique. So, as always, what you get will, at least in part, depend on how you present and what you show about yourself.
My own experience is that the things that start slow and steady tend to be the more stable and sustainable ones.
I do have one exception from this rule which was faster, but at present we're both dealing with a conflict that never presented itself (so far, at least) with any of the other ones. Now, I'm not the one to run from a conflict when it arises, as going through a conflict together is one of the clearest signs of appreciation (for me, at least). Those who don't care tend to avoid conflicts as they wouldn't want to spend/waste time on it.
On the other hand, everyone has hisor her own boundaries, comfort zone or limits of tolerance, which is ok, too. So, what to expect? Anything in particular. Stay open, clear and true to yourself & you will probably be doing fine.
Good luck & happy writing,
Kirsten
I have a gay male pen pal who's always looking for guys to write. He's fantastic. If you're interested I can hook you up.
"Kentucky gay" is definitely a thing. I did a count a few years ago of the number of supposedly gay inmates from Kentucky on here versus other states. It was like New York - 2, Texas - 1, California - 2, Kentucky -73.
Scams can be avoided with a little common sense, same as in the real world. Just don't send him your internet passwords or anything. And if you don't want to send money, just don't. I've been at this for years and I've never sent anyone money. If they ask, I just say "I can't/don't send money." And that's that.