Dear all
I am really upset and confused and really really need all your advice.
I have a problem with one of my pp's, I have been writing for over a year, and before I wrote, could not find any information on his crime, but liked what he had to say, so I went for it.
I don't want to go into too much information but after a year of writing, I asked him what happened, what led to him being there and he wouldn't answer, this made me wary. My friend told me to check newpapers from the time, so I did and have just found out why he is there and I am shocked and sick to the core.
What do I do? I don't think I can continue to write.
Last post
What do I do? I don't think I can continue to write.[/QUOTE]
Fairygirl, (btw, love the name)
Perhaps he did not want to tell you because of the reaction you are having.
Do you believe the guy is sorry he committed the crime and it really trying to better himself? If so you might want to continue to write.
If this guys crime totally revolts you than you might want to stop contact.
Not wanting to be judgemental in any way but I always give a pp the benefit of the doubt till they prove me wrong.
:smiley_villagepeopl
Im sorry for the situation you are in, it must me horrible for you. The fact that he wouldnt tell you may mean he is ashamed, regrets what hes done or maybe knew it was a crime so serious you would think bad of him? If you feel that you cant continue to correspond with someone who has done what hes done then I think you should just be honest with him. If you continued to write but your heart was no longer in it then it wouldnt be fair to either of you. I wish you all the best and hope everything works out for you.
I've recently been struggling with something quite similar but not with a pal.
In my situation I had to be honest and upfront about it.
In your case, it's hard I know. You can either be honest with him or simply end communication.
In the end you have to be able to comfortably write your pal. If you aren't you able to write in your comfort zone your friendship will struggle.
Have you considered letting him know you know and seeing what he says?
I know for me I can not write offenders in for certain things such as sexual assault it is kind of a deal breaker for me.
You are human and are entitled to set your own boundaries. Whatever you elect to do, please know you have a group of people here who will try to help you as best we can.
Thanks guys,
Well he just won't talk about it, he's not said he's sorry although I think he is ashamed. I'm trying hard not to be judgemental as thats just not me but I feel so sick and very upset. I was so shocked I had to double check his age, the dates everything as I can't believe it.
My head is in such a spin, yes it does revolt me to the core.
Thank you so much I guess I'm going to have to think about what I do.
Thanks skye too.
Oh I just feel so sick and shaken. I'm just going to tell, so you can understand, more than one victim, sexual assault, including child and murdered them all. I can't believe it, I just can't believe it.
fairygirl i understand your anguish i would not be able to get past that
Fairygirl~
PM'd you...
Pretty sad story for the family of the deceased.
He ruined his life for sure. Would bet this is not the first sexual assult.
Personally, I would break up the pp relationship. You have good reason to be upset and confused.
Fairy,
I can certainly understand how you feel. I would be unable to continue the friendship.
Yes, I believe everyone should have someone, but sometimes I can't be that someone if they have done something that I am totally against.
I would write him a note saying I am unable to continue the correspondence as things have come to light that no matter how it is discussed I just would not be able to get past them.
I think this is just horrible and I am feeling a bit sick now just thinking of what you are going through finding this out after all of this time.
I wish you well and If you need to talk you have a host of people here with a shoulder for you.
Thanks for all your replies.
After not sleeping last night for going over and over it and re-reading the small mountain of letters, I have realised he has ignored a lot of my questions over the year.
Out of my pp's I original wrote too, he is the most difficult to write to as he doesn't answer my letter or questions, avoids questions by saying it's not important. Until yesterday he was growing on me but now I kind of think the signals were there, I just tried to continue thinking some people need more time to open up.
I feel like an idiot as when friends asked why he was there, I said it didn't matter but clearly it does. And I honestly had to check the details from the news article against the offender information from his department of corrections about 10 times, as I was in a state of disbelief and shock. I'm not comfortable with what he did or writing to him.
I don't know whether to say I just can't write at the moment or just leave it, but I have a bad feeling he won't leave it.
Thank you so much, don't know what I'd do without this forum sometimes.
just go to the postal office and stamped returner to sender. then he thinks you dont live there no more.
I do not know why you are writing to him in the first place, yet people are embarrassed by their actions (I know I am), and reactions are always so off the wall. If he is doing time and accepts responsibility for his actions, and is trying to stay in a positive frame of mind then I would have to support them. Often when I am honest in what I seek and share this in a short while they give up on me not the other way around. I am tired of being an isolationist so I keep writing lloking for those that can see beyond my crime and mistakes and see who I am trying to be now.
I can understand a prisoner not wanting to talk about his horrific crimes with a penpal,on the other hand i can understand why you would be distressed at finding out what your penpal had done.
My view is that it would be harsh of you to drop him after corresponding for a year.The problem is down to not doing enough homework on the guy before writing to him rather than anything he has done since you started writing.
It sounds harsh and i do sympathise with you but if he has been writing reasonable letters to you i don't think it is fair to drop him due to his past crimes.
Sorry your going through this.
I am not Naive Person...However, I do feel People have the Ability to Change.
If the Crime he Committed or is Accused of is bothering you. Than maybe you should stop writing.
The only Crime that would make me stop Writing an Inmated is something against a Child.
My Advice is.....Write him a Letter and tell him that this is bothering you. (What he is Incarcerated for.)
Also let him know that you have read an article pertaining to him in the Newspaper.
Tell him know that you may stop writing him because it is making You Sick.
Communication is the Key.
So please be Open and Honest with Him.
He will not know what you are feeling until you bring it to the table.
I hope you feeling better and everything works out for you:hug:
Well after a lot of thought I wrote to him and told him the truth, I know hindsight is a fine thing but something wasn't quite right, I put it down to some people taking longer to open up. The thing that is bothering me is right at the beginning I asked what led to him being in prison and he just said he was depressed and made me feel guilty for asking. No remorse, no nothing, just that he was depressed. Well I wrote and told him, I have a feeling he won't respond but I didn't want him to be wondering what happened to me. I just don't feel comfortable writing, I've already been lectured by family that I'm stupid for not checking up before I ever wrote and now don't want me to write to other pp but my other pp's always upfront about everything, never ever give me any cause for concern. My lesson learnt is always follow your instinct and from first letter from him I found it hard to connect.
You do have to follow your feelings on this one. I think it was best that you did write him and tell him how you feel about all this. So what if it took you awhile to find out about his crimes. It happens like that sometimes
FAIRY,
I am sorry to hear about your information recieved, I am not sure how I would deal with it either as you have a relationship with this person, over 1 year of writting, and you have to take into consideration we are writting people who have all commited crimes, some more extreme then others. I just started writting inmates, like just, and i feel like I am doing good.
I would pray about it, and see what God wants you to do.
Fairy,
I'm new to that forum but I can understand how you feel, especially after a whole year of correspondence. It's a kind of "betrayal" probably because he's been the complete opposite of a child murderer with you : a great pp, a great friend, etc.
But as others say here and I do agree, he's locked up paying for his crimes, he's not outa there in the streets hurting other people.
But hey, you didn't know all about it that when you started writing and that's okay because your purpose was to help someone. I'm writing to a DR pp - and I've done it before, and the first - FIRST thing I do is to look up their names on the Internet so I know right from the beginning what they have done (in DR they're all murderers). Of course, our actions are NOT what we are but still I understand why someone can't write to a child murderer, as for myself - I can't write to a rapist.
The one I've just sent my first letter to, today - pleaded guilty - never said he was innocent. And actually, that's what attracted me because I don't like it when they shout they're innocent, because in prison they're ALL innocent ! And that's not true at all, so if they're mature enough, to say straightforward that yes they have taken lives away, I think it's already a trust sign they give you. No head games.
Hope you're feeling better !
Hang in there, I can underst and and agree with you as well, i couldnt continue to write a pp that did that either, and i am so sorry you are in this mess. there IS some good pp's out there, perhaps find another one? not all of them are like that...hugs.
Not sure how I missed this thread until now. Fairy, I can't even imagine what you would be going through. Although I just found out my pp did something that I have had to search my soul to get ok with. Ultimately, I know just how sorry he is, and that makes all the difference to me. Our penpals really make us evaluate what "unconditional love and friendship" is don't they? Good luck in your pursuit to process this. My thoughts are sure with you!
My heart goes out to you fairygirl.
I want to give you something to think about though.
From the little bit you said, I too would likely feel like I can't write this person. That's why I did make sure to do my homework at the beginning because I never wanted to find myself in such a situation as you have now. But think about this:
There are circumstances that could at least make this understandable for you. Drugs. Psychosis. I'm not saying that these things make them ACCEPTABLE, I'm only saying that at the time of the crimes it would have been another darker side of him that did these things. A side that he let get out of control. He could be sorry. He could be changed. Only you know that.
I would feel betrayed though for being kept in the dark, but at the same time you can't even blame him. He knew it was going to be a bitter pill for you to swallow.
I would hear him out - I think you owe him that much at least and put his version of the story up against what you've found AND your gut feelings.
I wish you the best.
Hi Fairy,
First and foremost, I'm sorry to hear about this situation. I can't imagine how it must feel.
The way I see it, you have a few choices.
Firstly, you decide that this crime was too much for you to handle and you decide to end all contact.
Secondly, you decide that you have only known him since the pen pal situation, so you can choose to judge him due to what you know about him during your correspondance and what kind of relationship you have built.
If it were me, I think what I would do, is write to him telling him that you know about the crime and be honest with how it makes you feel. See what his reply is like. Is he remorseful? Does he regret his actions? Then judge your decision on how he handles your letter.
I would love to hear how this works out if you're happy to share with us.
Best of luck
Hi All
And thanks for all the replies and advice, I've had so many problems this last couple of months, well just to update you all on the situation, so I wrote and let him know what I had found out, that I was upset and confused, I was totally honest with him about how I felt.
Anyway I got a letter back, which he started by saying that he was about to tell me it all in his next letter, that he hadn't had to talk about it in a very long time, that my letter made him cry and he was so so sad that he might lose me as a friend but that he could understand how I feel and knew that once I knew I might have this reaction, so he didn't want to tell me, when I had asked him several times previously as he thought with me being such a loving mum and my children being the focal point of my life, I would be repulsed by him. So he chose to not tell me and he took full responsiblity for what was happening now, he said he should have told me the truth and been honest, as I am always honest with him and that I deserved to know the truth from the beginning. It all really tugged at my heart strings, but then when I re-read it, it seemed that he was more concerned about losing me than what he had done, not really any remorse for the lives he took and others ruined.
So I decided to not write back straight away, have a clear and long think about what to do, well about a week later I got another letter that said I shouldn't have checked up on him, I was only interested in his crime and not him, I was prison obsessed, that I kept asking because I'm just interested in his crime, I should have just asked him not gone behind his back, I'm not the person he thought, etc etc. I was devastated and even more confused, I did ask him which he states several times and then say's I should have asked him and not gone behind his back?!?!?!
So then I thought that's it, I'm not writing back, there's no point.
And then I got another letter a couple of days later with him saying he was so sorry, he didn't mean any of that last letter, he was hurt at losing a friend and wanted to put distance between us, thought it would be easier if I hated him, but then realised what he wrote was so hurtful and he didn't want to hurt me.
By now I'm just feeling completed pulled apart emotionally, then I get another letter, saying goodbye, which just reduced me to tears. I was having some personal problems in my life at that point too, so everything felt like it was going wrong and I was so confused as to what he meant, whether he was sorry, whether he was remorseful, whether I was being played, I didn't know what to think, none of my questions had been answered, I just felt uneasy about the whole thing.
Anyway me being me and not liking hurting anyones feelings I wrote to say goodbye, that I didn't hate him but I could no longer write to him.
And I got a horrible letter back, saying I pretend to be this non-judgemental person but that I'm a fake and that he's glad he discovered what a fake I am. Don't write again, goodbye.
So that's the update, thank god for my other pp, who after all of this made me realise what a good friend I found in him and who answers every single question I ever ask, is so easy to get on with and feel's like a true friend. Hoping to talk to him on the phone soon, as he has just last week been let out of Ad-seg and said as soon as he can he will call, he only wants to hear my english accent. lol. I'm so nervous and warned him I may be unable to speak. So I know there are lot's of lovely people on this site, hope I haven't put people off writing, like all aspects of life, there's the good and the not so good.
Sorry for going on and on, just had to get it all off my chest.
Love Fairygirl x
I am sorry you have been through so much emotionally, but in all honesty i like the guy from the little you have shared, his reactions are normal as yours was. You know we are not the only ones that get played, some write pretending to befriend those inside and really are only interested in their crimes, getting into their minds and no doubt he has probably seen that over time as we have seen people here come and go with their stories.
I am sad he has lost a good friend in you, and for you i feel just as bad, knowing he was probably genuine with all he shared in all his letters going through the gamete of emotions; showing hurt, anger, feeling betrayed etc as you were. Sometimes it takes some people a long time to trust share and open up and they do not do it lightly, especially those inside because of their own personal life experiences and from watching many around them come and go. I hope he too has some kind of support as you do to help him get through this, as i am sure it is just as hard for him as it is you.
After the update I think you know you made the right decision. Even when I have given someone a 'second' chance, the past actions always rule and we are quits before long. Experience is something that cannot be taught or be replaced, but it can be shared and thank you.:hug:
Wow
I don't know how you were able to handle that situation so well because all of these letters, well I wouldn't have been able to open them, simply.
I think his reaction : despair, hate, heartbroken, betrayed - well you BOTH have felt them because the result is the same for you :you are both losing a great friend.
My best friend (for 7 years) ended our friendship for NO reason (never got an explanation either) 4 months ago, and I was devestated, then angry, then again sad then now I feel indifferent. Most of the time, it's still hurt sometimes but [B]time[/B], thanks is a great healer.
And I realised that I had other amazing friends and that's the coolest thing ever ! They all showed up and it felt so good, so I'm glad you have this other pp who's so nice and open about everything.
I know it can seem silly, or stupid to say that but you've helped me with your story. Because of your misfortune and others, who talked repeatedly about it on that forum, I made sure to check [I]before[I] writing to new pps what they were in jail for.
I chose someone in DR who's done something terrible, you'd disaproved (and I disaprove too of course) but then I saw a documentary about him and maybe because I know the whole story and his childhood and his short life in the oustide world - I feel it's okay to write him.
It's completely different when you find out later, it's a question of honesty and trust.
Your pp should have told you what he's done and if he didn't want to talk about it, then simply asked you if you knew what he was in jail for in the beginning of your correspondence - you could have walked away but to wait that long, he's got some responsibilities in what's happening now.
Enjoy your phone calls with the other pp !!! In a few months, you'll be able to look for a new pp - a great one for sure as you deserve it.
Thanks guys, it's been a rollercoaster of emotion, it's really sad. I couldn't of just left it and not written and left him wondering where I went or carried on pretending I didn't know what I found out. It's a sad situation and I can understand how he feels and I know he understands how I feel which is probably why he avoided telling me, when I asked in the past.
Thank you for all the good advice and responses, it's been very apprieciated.
The thing is, crime aside, (not that you could push it aside, the way it was revealed, etc.) but: sometimes for me it isn't even the past, it's how one is chosing to present in the letters they are writing currently. It is a relationship, even if it's just a writing friendship. These relationships mean a lot and come into our lives and souls very deeply in some cases. Here in the free world if someone is being strange, slightly abusive, not very nice, flaky... we question whether we want to spend our time on this friendship... that we don't deserve to be treated that way. (hopefully we question it and don't think we "deserve" it!)
It's the same with letters. They are conversations. Both writers have their perspective of just who is being the flaky one I guess, but...it just doesn't work to have it go on like that, in person, in writing, whatever.
In person and in letters I've tried to go on with people when things have gotten like that; ill perspective of the other person, for whatever reason. I think I'm learning as I get older when it may truly be time to let go. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt to let go and won't keep on hurting, but, if there's no way to repair the relationship back onto a positive level, even if you are willing to talk it out, then it does end up becoming something that's not good for you.
I was once bullied by a pp and vowed to never allow that to happen to me again. I'm sure he felt I was the one coming in and out of his life being flaky. I've been emotionally put down by people in person and had a hard time extricating myself or understanding that it truly is NOT all my fault even if the other person wants to see it that way to save their own need to look within and see their own part. It's hard. In the end it really is true we need to do what is best for ourselves and that is NOT selfish. It can be an act of self preservation.
My heart goes out to you fairygirl. I was all sorts of angry at the way it turned out, but I'm grateful for the response and wisdom of someone like smiley who is able to allow me to once again see it from the other person's perspective.
I had a similar situation when I first started writing. And when I mentioned having found something on the internet he got irate and didn't want to write anymore. Mind you I was only joking with him about all the aliases I had found, but he got angry and ended it. I apologized as I did enjoy his letters, but he was through and it never occurred to me that he felt betrayed or anything for my having gone looking. You live, you learn.
You had no choice as he was not open and truthful so your situation is different in that respect.
Well enjoy showing off that lovely English accent of yours. I made a friend here on this forum from Australia and I just love hearing her voice. I'm sure those conversations will serve to cheer you up a bit.
Thanks, I'm getting nervous about him calling but excited nerves. It takes me back to waiting for those first letters, I'm not postman stalking, I'm now jumping out of my skin each time the phone starts ringing. It will be so lovely to put a voice to the letters.