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Must read Terms of Service & Privacy Policy and be at least 18

 
VioletGrey

Hi all, 

Was just wondering about what the most frustrating idea or misconception that your friends and family have about writing to prisoners? 
 

The one that sticks out to me as being the most frustrating to try to explain to people when I tell them that I have pen pals in prison is that they must not be genuine people and that they aren't being their true self in their letters. 
My father once said to me that there's no way to make a real connection with someone over letters alone without meeting them in person, and it really stuck with me. I felt he was being unfair, knowing nothing of the subject but that's a kind of given with telling family/friends about writing to inmates. 

 
Northernyank

I've gotten more than once "why on earth would you throw away your life to marry someone who is never getting out?" Funny, because my relationships have become deeper, more personable and meaningful because I now live in the present, and that's all thanks to my husband. I've gained a confidence I never had before. I do feel as if there are people in my life waiting for that moment of failure so they can feel "vindicated", but I hope they aren't holding their breath. Also, if you can't support me, and my decisions, you have no business being in my life. 

 
ST4s

Great question, Violet!

Well, the biggest thing that frustrates me in general is “the system” – the bureaucracy, red tape, and people in authority not following their own rules (read: corrupt guards, etc.)  A lot of my friends on the inside have a kind of learned helplessness that it’s just the way things are, and bad cops will always get away with it because they can. But I’m the kind of guy with zero tolerance for that, and the kind of guy who will contact the powers that be, make some big noise, and hold them to account – usually with a cc to the Governor, Executive Director, or the Office of Inspector General. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, I’ll shout it from the fucking mountaintops! The feds probably hate me, Colorado too, but I’m cool with that. I also realize that wasn’t the question, well, the expanded question.

Re: the friends and family reaction: I will defend my friends in prison to anyone who asks, because they’re my friends. Period. And cool things have developed over time. One example: this past Christmas at a family gathering, I got a question out of the clear blue sky, “Hey, how’s your friend so and so doing?” (referring to one of my friends in prison) That’s the way it ought to be, right? Now, on the stereotype thing, I’ll just set someone straight. Tell ‘em they got it all wrong. Just like I did. Back before I started writing. I blame Hollywood.

Re: dear old dad’s advice that “there's no way to make a real connection with someone over letters alone without meeting them in person,” I’m gonna have to disagree. True that nothing beats face-to-face, but for me and my brothers behind bars, these letters can get deep and profound – a safe place to be our true selves – because in their world, being one’s true self out in the crowd is a liability, and has consequences. They’ll tell me things they’ll never tell another soul. And they know I’ll guard it with my LIFE. Because that’s what friends do.

 
LotusBlossom

Violet and Emily, I've always heard a similar phrase from my PPs - "we have so much in common!" But I never felt manipulated over it, it was discussing stuff that almost everyone likes.  I think that both sides are seeking something.  And friendship is about give and take.  I don't want someone to pretend and agree with me all the time or butter me up but I think people sometimes "go with the flow" so they get along, and find common ground.  The only thing I ever got pressure from was sending certain types of pictures or a pp trying to demand a visit, but those types of friendships never work out in the long run.  I don't know how much PPs sit around analyzing our letters and think "how can I gain??" Maybe there's some of that but I think those types of people often give off an untrustworthy vibe and they lose friends pretty quickly.  Some people definitely do the romance scams because they know when people are in love they are more willing to do stuff.  But not all, I have a couple PPs who found have love recently and all they honestly want is someone who cares about them and is nice to them through the phone and letters.  So I've seen more good intentions with PPs, than bad.

 
LotusBlossom

I'd say the worst stereotype I get from people is the worry that my PPs are just waiting around like the bad guy in Cape Fear, plotting to rape and kill me.  Which is absolutely, absolutely beyond ridiculous.  I don't use a PO Box anymore but the person who worked there would tell me "don't worry we have security cameras so you'll be safe."  Or people who knew I was a PP to inmates would say "please be careful, I'm very afraid they're just looking to a chance to harm you."  It's so rare, when that type of thing happens and usually when it does, it's because a person invited their PP they did not know well to live with them right away, not realizing the inmate was not stable enough to be living as a roommate, which is a big responsibility.  So sometimes I feel like people think I'm naive and doing something that puts me in grave danger.  I understand people's concerns and yes there are some very dangerous people in prison, but they are not ALL waiting to strike.  A lot are people who struggled to get clean or help with their mental health and I like being a PP and cheering them on, people have done the same for me in my dark times so I'm just paying it forward.  It sucks that people would stereotype my PPs like that because they are absolutely nothing like villains in a movie.  They just want to get better, go home, and have nice things like everyone else.

 
novinha

DEFINITITELY something my colleague said back in the beginning. I was expressing my excitement over one of the first letters--mostly over things we had in common and his intellect. 
He said "you realize he has nothing to do all day but read your letters, analyze them, and say exactly what you want to hear so he gets whatever he wants? I'd be wary of believing anything this guy is telling you." 
First of all, he has a full time job. He works more than I do. Second, all of his expressed interests, like taste in music, film, or hobbies, came as answers to questions I'd asked in an initial letter. He had no idea what mine even were to try to make that connection. Third, he's never asked a single thing out of me--not even my time--and has displayed gratitude over even the smallest things, like a Christmas card, or a lengthy reply. 
 

At the time, I admit, it briefly got into my head. I was waiting for my penpal to just "slip up" or finally show signs he was in it to abuse my kindness. That's no way to live, and it still irritates me that he couldn't just be happy for me and even tried to plant the seeds of doubt. Especially since his life isn't necessarily the shining beacon of excellent choices, and my optimism (cautious, at that) has never burned me in the past.