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LotusBlossom

Please note, This isn’t a post to talk about people’s concerns with scamming, there are plenty of other threads on here for that.

This is to ask about worries you and your pen pal share with conversations, pictures, etc. as prison rules tend to be very strict.  I recently had the experience of a prison worker mentioning me as ‘his girl’ and brought up what I sent in, and I was incredibly flattered that it was a nice way, but it reminded me that I hope they know I have good intentions and try to follow their rules.  It also made me feel like the prison workers look out for the pen pals’ best interests too. 

It’s just sometimes the rules are a little confusing.

Do you ever worry you might have something you write taken the wrong way than you intended, as everything is monitored?  

Do you ever get a little confused with the various rules over what size photos you can send, if the photo is appropriate, how many, etc?

Or say something inimate if you’re in any type of relationship or flirtation with a pen pal and worry it might be deemed inappropriate?

If you’ve had a perfect experience never having any issues, feel free to share that too.


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Northernyank

If you're having this much reservation about contacting her, ask yourself 'is it her?', or 'is it her crime?', that concerns you? No one is the sum of their mistakes. People can and have changed. 

I've always started out telling my pen-pals that we're equals here, and just be you, and I'll just be me. We will see where this goes, with no pressure and no expectations. 

 
ShadeyBiz89

Redbird... honestly, I'll give you my opinion and take it or leave it.

I don't recommend you using a fake name of any kind. People think it's a small thing, but it's dishonest, and why would you want to start a friendship out that way? If I was her and found out sometime into the correspondence that you were using a fake name to write me, I'd wonder if you'll withhold something so simple as a name, what else would you be withholding? I'm not saying you would, just as an example. It doesn't feel good to know someone has been dishonest with you, no matter what it's about, and that's how I react, when you discover someone has lied, you start to question everything else. To me, that's not a good way to start a friendship and even if she never finds out, I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I can't even be honest about who I am. I'm not saying you have bad intentions, I'm sure you don't, but it's unfair to the inmate to have someone start out a correspondence from the very beginning like that. Aside from that, in order for her to do any kind of substantial damage (ID theft), she'd need far more than your first and last name. She'd need a credit card number, your social insurance number (or whatever that number is called in your country), other things that are completely unique to you.

I would recommend, if you're uncomfortable using your home address, to use a PO Box. It's what I do. But the chance of her physically harming you on release is slim to none. She's going to be too busy to worry about coming after you, they have to adjust to society and rebuild their own lives, they're not going to have the time or the headspace to go after someone they met on a penpal site. Yes, there's the ODD incident in the news but it's once in a blue moon. Not to mention going after you she would put herself at risk to go back to prison, which most sensible inmates would seek to avoid if they can.

If you're uncomfortable writing to her because of her identity theft conviction, maybe choose someone else who has not been convicted of such a crime or who is in for a longer period of time to decrease your worry and anxiety??? This is just my view, like I said take it or leave it, but I wanted to throw that out there for you to think about. 

 
LotusBlossom

Red bird, while it’s very rare, and a low risk, it has happened where outside pen pals have been harmed/victims of their inmate pen pal crimes.  Just being honest with you that the chances are extremely low but it CAN happen, nothing is a guarantee in life.  I haven’t heard of it on the forums to anyone, getting stalked by an ex-pen, or being victim to anything other than a love scam, but I’ve read articles in the news about more serious incidents.  If you are concerned you can rent a PO Box with the USPS, use a pen/nick name (but I would suggest sticking with your last name so the prison knows they can trust you), tell your pen pal upfront you are not looking for marriage if that is what they are seeking in their ad but you would like writing letters and what you’re seeking in a pen pal.  Hope it goes well.

 
Redbird

So I have one worry: I am thinking about writing to a female inmate my age (30s), but she sounds like she wants a future husband, is in prison for identity theft, or something like that - and will be released in just a few months. Is there a danger she would come stalk or identity-theft me upon being released?  She would, presumably, know my name and  address.

 
Northernyank

@Cleo, it depends on how quickly they are processed and entered into the system. I had a pen-pal that was in 1 Michigan prison, moved without noticed (which is the norm), to another Michigan prison, I had a letter that had just gone out to him the day before. He received it maybe 2 days later than expected. 

My husband was moved from Ohio in a State facility to PA into a Fed facility on a Wednesday. His councilor called me a few hours after he arrived. I put a letter in the mail to him the next day (Thursday), he received it on Saturday. His new facility is closer to me than the Ohio one. 

 
LotusBlossom

@Been, I appreciate your advice, best case scenario we just have three more years to wait, but if it’s longer than that, then other people make it work so he and I can too.  Time goes by so fast anyway. I’m happy so I guess that’s all that matters.  At first I was over the moon happy with visits and all that, but it’s kind of settling down now in just part of our daily lives, together but apart.  I still worry sometimes and so does he but it goes away after a few minutes, the concerns that pop up in our heads.

@MG, lol, my loved one is such a tough talker too.  But it’s awesome you’re there for him when it comes to health issues.  Most definitely a sign of care.

 
FrankieBones

As far as I'm aware they still have to go through reception and housing.

 
Cleopatraaaa

@Frankie Thank you so much for the information! I had no idea that was how the process went! I thought they’d go straight from one prison to the next and the process would be immediate. Okay, hopefully you’re right! I guess I’m just impatient to get his letter! Thanks again!! 

 
FrankieBones

You can have your mail redirected by the post office to your new address for a period of time so if he does send something it will come. But that will cost you some money.

 
Opally

Thank you @Frankie. I don’t think he got transferred or anything (I checked the DOC website), but that’s good to know in case he or any of my other pals do! I wish I could send a letter now but if he responds, I most likely won’t be at this address anymore to get it, so that’s why I’m thinking I shouldn’t send snail mail yet. I could send it anyway and let him know I won’t be at the return address if he decides to respond, but I’m not sure if that’s even worth it... any thoughts?

 
MG65

The only thing that stresses me out is when I think about him getting sick. I'm in the healthcare system and I know they don't get crap in prison. He's not elderly so I feel a little better, but the other day I spoke to him on the phone and he was tired and I was like, "Omg, whats wrong?! Are you sick. Go to the nurse NOOOOOW!" He told me to stfu lol 

 
FrankieBones

@Opally when you get sent to prison you will be assigned a DOC number, when you get sent to the BOP you will get given a federal number... Those numbers stay with you for life so if you're ever in that situation again you will have that number. Anyway...

If you send a message to his DOC/BOP number it will catch up with him eventually, it just has to be routed to him, wherever he is at. It might take a little longer, but if he's being held somewhere, especially somewhere he's not familiar with such as being in reception, or being transfered then the letters you send are even more important than usual.

Just send them by regular mail and they will get through... eventually...

 
FrankieBones

@Cleo They can stay in reception for what seems like an eternity but they have to go through all the right processes, find them the right unit, and a suitable pod, and cell for them to go to and they have to understand what programs they need and where they will be working, as well as their specific health-related issues, and special needs among other things.

As for me at the moment, my biggest gripe with women's facilities is complete and utter bitchiness, women don't fight so much, some do, but its all the psychological shit that goes on and the level of comfort, support and advice a woman needs. On top of everything else, how to deal with stupid women's politics... I WANT TO BE THE ONE THAt SEWS THE PANTS! even though they're not good at it and in the end if they don't meet their KPIs (key performance indicators) like any other job, this one being how many boxes they can fill with military uniforms, then everyone on their team doesn't get paid at the full rate.

The other thing at the moment is dental, and now my one I write to has a tooth infection, she went to sick call and they wouldn't give her antibiotics but still charged her to see the doctor. Work that one out. They will screw you both ways if they can't see what's going on they assume nothing is wrong, and then they charge you while they fuck about for months doing a job such as a root canal and filling that could be done in two or three visits over months and if you don't advocate for yourself you go to prison and end up with no teeth as your gift on the way out.

 
Been_on_the_inside

@lotusblossom you have the right attitude I’m happy you can keep a balance in what it takes to do this be it a lover/friend/family member etc it’s never gonna be easy prison will make you or break you him being able to move on from what he was to how he is now is a good achievement within himself. It doesn’t matter if you met inside out outside the relationship is just as important know matter how you met don’t let anyone tell you or make you feel any differently. I wish you  both  the best of luck. My now wife was my penpal we now have a child, baby on the way and normal as far as normal can be so it can work :-) 

 

 
LotusBlossom

@Been lockdown definitely sucks for absolutely everyone!  I think I’m the lucky one in a lot of ways.  One (I guess you’d call it regret not worry) I have is that he and I didn’t meet out here, because he’s very much the type of person I would have wanted to be with and I told him with how much he’s a “problem fixer” type of person, that he would make an excellent father.  He loved that and said ten years ago he was just such a different person.  But I like who he is now.  Worries will happen but I think if I just keep on visiting, writing, and we talk on the phone, have family fun, then the days will go by quickly and are too short to get upset over stuff.  I have a busy life out here too but we make time for the people we truly love so there never will be a day I don’t write him, unless I’m too sick to ever type.

 
Been_on_the_inside

@lotusblossom Lockdown is hard cause you can’t tell your families and you worry about them worrying and your right if your lockedown or shipped out it’s at a moments notice and people on the outside are left wondering wtf. It’s not easy I’ve seen it from both the inmate side and having a brother in prison right now also from the outside, you don’t have to be a penpal to be here having someone inside you love still counts and it does matter as long as you have a little humanity within yourself. You clearly do for understanding that shit happenes keep your head up your penpal/loved one is lucky :-) 

 
Opally

@Cleo Now that I think about it, I'm thinking he probably can't respond via JPay, so that's why I haven't heard anything in around a month. I just sent a message so he knows I'm still around and thinking of him, but that's as much as I can do until I move next month and get my mailing address situated. I wish I could send a letter now! But I will update when/if he responds, for sure! :)

 
LotusBlossom

Oh and @Cleo I meant to reply about the photos!  I was talking to my sweetheart early this morning on the phone and photos mean so so much.  They get to see someone having fun out in the world.  He told me this morning “prison is a lonely place but I think that goes without saying” and the photos help the inmates out a lot with that feeling.  Like they’re a part of something.

 

 
LotusBlossom

 

@Northernyank I empathize with the highs and lows of it.  My sweetheart (I guess we’re past the calling it  “pen pal” phase after meeting and building something) went on lockdown recently and apologized a lot when they got off, because I got a little upset over it and not getting a call until it was over.  I know that wasn’t his fault and he’s called every chance he can get since then so I should just relax when lockdown happens.  It’s not like they’re going to yell “okay lockdown but first you should call everyone and let them know it’s going to be awhile.”  It must be hard with the lack of availabile communication you’re both dealing with.

He and I just had a conversation on the phone this morning about pictures, wanting to follow the guidelines but still be sexy and fun.  There’s been a little of that I’ve done but not gone too crazy.  We were a little unsure how far it could go and while being sexual on the phone we get a little nervous, if we’ll get asked to tone it down or something.  But so far so good.

One day at a time is really good advice (on both sides), thanks for that reminder.  My mister often worries that he’ll simply be in prison too long for me to handle it and stick around but I’m not going to worry about the future when it’s not even here yet.

 
Been_on_the_inside

@northernyank I think your worries are normal and I have them about my brother all the time it’s hard for anyone with a love one inside mothers,brothers, wife’s, etc everyone as to go through the same feelings and worries, I know you were excited about getting your tablet and to go from just one call a month is hard on you, and yet you still manage to stay strong hope all works out for you. @cleo ha ha ha I just find typo so funny my wife left the order book at work last year and she text her boss “did you see my boobs at the  desk” it was meant to say book at the desk it wasn’t till he replied back WTF! That she even noticed it. I thought it was so funny she just went bright red. 

 
Cleopatraaaa

@been lmao, maybe it was a Freudian slip hahaha jk, it was an honest drunk mistake lol. I won’t know what his response is for a while since he can only respond to my Jpay via snail mail and this happened like last week lol! 

 
Northernyank

I'm filled with worries all the time. I had general worries about my previous pen-pals, mostly about them making it on the outside upon release. Them being able to get the right mental health treatments on the inside and outside, and sticking with it. 

My worries for my husband are entirely different. Is he safe, is he hot, is he cold, if he's sick are they going to tend to him properly? Is he getting healthy meals so we can have a long life together. Is he able to sleep, are his meds working, is he getting the right meds? What is his stress level, what has prison already done to his body and mind? How has his incarceration effecting my health?

He's serving LWOP and I wonder will we make it? We love one another a great deal, but he's now in the custody of the Feds and with that it's just 1 phone call per month, no emails, no videograms, and until he can get his supplies it's only a few letters here and there. There are a lot of emotional highs and lows being with someone in prison. I worry about his needs being met, and about mine as well. 

I stopped worrying about who is listening to our phone sex. I put that out of my mind. I don't care if they read any of our steamy exchanges. Sex is an important component in a relationship, and we've had to adjust what that intimacy is for us, and let go of the thought of being monitored. I've also managed to send some pretty revealing pics for my husband's enjoyment. Thankfully I'm not a fly on the wall in the mailroom when they come in. Sadly, those pics had to be destroyed by my husband right before he transferred and they won't make it in, in the Feds. 

I've had to adjust my way of thinking "big picture" and "planning long term" and just take things one day at a time. 

 
Been_on_the_inside

@cleo lol thats so funny are you sure it was a typo?  ha ha ha they say when your drink the truth always comes out ha ha. But seriously what was his reaction? @opally try not to worry too much about delays like cleo said it’s kinda to be expected but I hope it all works out ok. @mateo don’t worry so much being yourself is really important that you are normal is something that a prisoner really wants I’m almost sure whoever is reading the mail as seen it a million times before.

 
Kirsten

So far I was lucky with the mail rooms. One letter took 8 weeks to get to its destination (no idea why), one letter obviously got lost (my pp said he never received it, but it didn't get back to me, either) and one letter got back to me bc PA changed its rules and you can't send mail directly to the facilities any more (which I did NOT know when I wrote and sent that letter). Oh, yeah, and one time I got a letter back bc I messed up with the P.O. box # for whatever reason. When I resent it, everytthing was fine.

That's about all I had in 17 months of writing

 
Mateo

I worry by nature. But, yeah I definitely worry about the language I use in my letters. It's hard for me to not swear when I write because I want my letters to come across as if I were talking to my PP face-to-face and it's the language I would use. So I try and keep it natural to myself. Touch wood, it's all been OK so far. Also, sexual talk is a worry for me. And sending in photos I try and distribute them in different letters because I worry they might not all be allowed in, even though I know for a fact (it even has it written on the back of the envelopes my PP uses) that there's a maximum amount of pictures allowed per letter, and I've never come close to exceeding it. I just overthink everything, but I do it with my day-to-day life so I don't let it stress me out, and so far nothing has happened that's made me worry with good reason, thank Gods.

 
Cleopatraaaa

@Opally I think delays are expected, but I don’t know. He said the only thing that’d stop him from being transferred was if he did something bad. And considering he was transferred to supermax for assault, I’m worried! But we’ll see. And yeah, he can only respond by snail mail unfortunately!  But I do both snail mail and sometimes I’ll spam him with Jpay letters and articles and all that sorta stuff! 

I think you should send your pal an email. I don’t think he would think that you’re annoying at all! Especially if he’s been feeling low, he may feel like he’s not worth having people in his life, you know? So maybe just send him something to let him know that you’re there and you care and he’s worthy of your time! I’m sure he’ll appreciate it! And if you don’t get a response, maybe try again. That’s what I’d do until they tell me eff off or something haha. But good luck to you and your pal! And I hope it all works out! Keep us posted xx

 
Opally

@Cleo Wow! That's annoying. I don't know anything about transitioning, but maybe it just takes a while or there's a delay? And it sucks even more that you only do snail mail, right? I only use JPay since I'm so impatient, haha! The last I heard from mine was him talking about going through things and feeling really low and thinking I was mad at him for him not responding fast enough, so I told him to take his time and that it was all okay. I sent an email a few weeks ago checking up on him, but nothing. I might send another today, but I don't want to annoy him. I hope you find out about your pal soon!

 
Cleopatraaaa

@Opally oh that’s so funny that we both have pals who are serving LWOP whom we haven’t heard from in a while! I’m a little worried about mine since he’s in the transition unit at his prison and he was supposed to have been transferred out and into GP by June, but according to the DOC inmate search he’s still hasn’t been transferred! I hope nothing bad has happened to him! And yeah, the more I listen to and write to my pen pals, I’ve realised how much the US criminal justice system just doesn’t care about anything else but prosecuting! 

 
Opally

I find it funny to think that someone else is reading our messages, actually. I hate the thought of someone in a bad mood rejecting something random, though, so I tend to not say certain words. I don't get confused with sizes of pictures since I send pictures via JPay, but I do get confused over what's allowed in letters since I never send them. I've sent inappropriate things numerous times and have never gotten a message rejected or censored. Nothing intimate has been taken the wrong way or deemed inappropriate, but I have gotten into "arguments" with two inmates (one I don't write to anymore) about things that are so small, which sucks. I feel like they're more sensitive and defensive because of the situation they're in, which I have to get used to. So, yes, I do sometimes get nervous what I say will be taken the wrong way, but I'm glad the pals I talk to are willing to communicate about how they feel rather than try to change the subject. :)

 
FrankieBones

It's the simple ones today, 5 years on and the person that I write to doesn't even know what Facebook Marketplace is.

 
Opally

I agree with you, Cleo, about the no LWOP thing. I have a pal that made a mistake and had ties with a gang at the time, and he got life for his crime. Of course, there's people that don't care about what they did wrong, but I know for my pal (which I haven't heard from in a while so I hope he's doing okay), he really wishes he could take it all back. It doesn't help that he represented himself at trial, either... which I also think should not be a thing that the courts allow but that's a different story.

 
annemariehhh

Thanks so much Cleo..it's lovely to have support....(apart from one or 2 people) this is starting to feel like the old forum..and it was a great place to be..members used to build each other up..not pull down.and play games....no ones issues or worries are the same...but that doesn t mean anyone is more important..just different..obviously it's a bit different for you guys who are PPs only and it's different again for those who are MWI and develop a relationship..but ultimately anyone who cares for an inmate whether its a spouse, boyfriend, friend or PP deserves their place on here. I am in a relationship with Mitch, obviously and I'm also a penfriend to a lovely lady in Texas. But some are here for the wrong reasons and don't even fit the criteria to be here in the first place..which is...be a PP...hence the name WAP....

 
Cleopatraaaa

@annemarie oh wow, holy shit. I’m so sorry! I hope you can get the retrial. I wish LWOP parole didn’t exist. I know lots of people would disagree but i feel like I have to believe that people can change and be rehabilitated, you know! Sending good thoughts your way. And yes, I totally get why you’d want to keep a happy face when you’re with him, he’s probably dealing with a lot in there. No need to have him worried about you. I hope you have a good support system though! And that you take a few days every now and again to self care and focus on yourself. I wish I had more I could say, but all I can say is that you’re so strong so hang in there xxx

 
annemariehhh

Cleo..forever..unless we can gain a retrial for which I'd need to consult with God..and he aint been around here too often.... .he's LWOP...
I try not to actually do what I just did..and bundle all the worries and dark thoughts up..the only way to survive is to take it one step at a time and no matter what's goung on out here, no matter if the skys falling in..when he phones..or on visits its all smiles, giggles and chatter. Its how it has to be I can t gave him worrying about shit he can t control or help with

 
Cleopatraaaa

@Lotus LOL the irony! But yeah, everyone makes mistakes haha I’m sure he got what I meant though. And yeah I feel so bad for inmates who don’t receive mail! I wish I could write to everyone, but that’s just simply impossible :(. I think it’s good that photos and letters keep them busy and hopefully out of trouble. I always wonder what they think about the photos that I send and the letters too. Like I wonder if the impression they have of me is how I really am? I try to be myself as much as I can be, but I mean you can’t convey everything through words only, you know? 

 
Cleopatraaaa

@Annemarie I can’t imagine going through what you’re going through. How do manage daily? Like I’d be stressed and anxious everyday, even though Mitch does seem like he can take care of himself! There’s a lot of difficult things that you have to think about and consider! How long does Mitch have left?

 
annemariehhh

Lotus..what ya mean ' prison worker' ? A CO..? Just curious here.

Cleo lol..too funny....we've all done dumb things and dropped the ball...don t sweat the small stuff...

Me? I worry that I'll buckle..I worry about when I'm old..if Mitch is still in there..will I be able to support him and myself when I can't work no more. I worry cos I'm only human, and I miss human contact..( not that I plan to do anything about that..so if anyone twists my words they can expect wrath ..) .I worry about Mitch getting old and not being able to defend himself and his pod mates like he does now..I worry about him getting sick and cos no one gives a shit there who knows what pains he may have to contend with..ok I'm worked up now..need a drink..

 
LotusBlossom

Way too* autocorrect strikes again 

 
LotusBlossom

Lol Cleo!  That’s a great story, autocorrect is terrible and hilarious.  But I can understand that, people sometimes see being nice as flirting when it’s just being nice.  I can also understand the being hurt/killed thing as there are dangerous people in prisons.  And photos I feel that war too, I send in SO MANY.  But our pen pals feel like they’re missing out, so photos really help.  I’ve heard from CO’s they’re glad the mail keeps the inmates busy, it makes their job go a little smoother.  I always feel bad for inmates that don’t get any mail, I’m sure there are some out there that are really hoping for letters.

 
Cleopatraaaa

I worry that sometimes I may come across as flirty when all I’m trying to be is nice. Recently I did something so dumb I just wanted to crawl up into a hole and die haha. I was a little drunk and I thought I’d send a message to one of my pen pals. He’s been talking about his insecurities and how he’d love to find him a girl, but he doesn’t feel worthy enough for one. So I thought I’d send some words of encouragement to him. I wanted to write that ‘he was a great guy and any woman would be lucky to have him’ but instead I wrote, ‘you’re a great guy and any woman would be lucky to lick you’! I feel mortified and I hope he knows it was a typo on my end. I won’t even know for like another month or so because we only write via snail mail and his responses always take ages to get here! 

Sometimes I worry that my pen pals might get hurt in prison or killed. Not sure how I’d cope if that happened! I also worry that sometimes I’ll send articles that may not be approved by the prison or that I’ll send too many photos and my pen pals would get in trouble for it! 

I’d say those are my two biggest worries!