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ST4s

Tonight was a first. One of my buds got his ankle monitor off earlier this week. We live in the same city, but amidst the tight controls of his halfway house time, house arrest time, job obligations, reconnecting with loved ones, the holidays, and navigating the sea change of release – the first was this: he stopped by the house for some beers.

For those of you who’ve visited your buds in prison, you may already know this. You might hear some things in a visiting room you’d never hear on a monitored phone call. You might learn some things you’ll never learn by reading a letter that has a prison return address. You might learn the unvarnished truth of how horrible, and hopeless, and degrading, and helpless prison life can be. For example, how one of your bud’s fellow inmates was cuffed behind their back, placed on a stretcher, and pepper-sprayed in the mouth until he died of asphyxiation. And how the official reports declared it a drug overdose instead of a murder. And how this story was repeated with varying details, that “law” and “security” can be fiction when it’s really about barbaric ontrol. Or you’ll hear of inmate-on-inmate violence, people stabbed seventeen times, and other abominations. When you hear these things delivered in person in the sanctuary of your own home though… it’s a bit different. You’re just hanging out, having some beers, and the horror of these things you’ve never heard before hits you smack between the eyes.

I’d expect your buds, like mine, when they’re on the phone or writing, are shielding you from these things. Things that can’t be discussed in monitored communications, things that don’t make the news, and things that they see and experience with such regularity it’s a different kind of normal. The exceptionally fucked up kind. Where the baseline “normal” is sitting in a box, staring at the walls, which isn’t even normal to begin with.

My bud admits to having severe anxiety and PTSD in there, which continues out here, things that in a halfway house or house arrest setting he couldn’t get proper medication for – because it’s a drug, and drugs are against the rules. He has a great support system out here though, and now that the ankle monitor’s off, he can get this additional support and hopefully regain his peace of mind.

He described his prison time as beyond bleak, unimaginable really – stuck in this exceptionally fucked-up environment where there’s maximum control, no escape, and no hope – except for this: the people on the outside. The ones who reached in. The ones who cared. The ones who delivered doses of their “normal” lives and made a profound difference, without ever realizing that they were the antidote to all these unspoken horrors… until their bud was in their living room, discussing it over beers.

Maybe this writing in can mean several things, but here’s one example I now have on good authority. And it isn’t just me, folks. It’s all of you who are doing this. Maybe you think you’re just picking a name out of a hat, and sure, that might be part of it, but I promise you, there’s more. You have no idea.

I tip my helmet to you.


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ST4s

I'm very sad to report I have a heartbreaking update. Here's the link:

https://writeaprisoner.com/prison-forum/general-prison-talk/honoring-eric

 
Petra Swiss Miss

Nah, same old same old over here. Lady Helvetia is so neutral she sometimes can't tell which way is up and which way is down.

I'm probably the rebel child or the black sheep. lol  And maybe I'm part of a worldwide society. Who's aim it is to interact, to engage, to connect, to share joy and sorrow, to make each person stronger, learning to overcome ones fears and believe in humankind. But I can't either confirm nor deny. Only established members of this society know how the magic happens ;o)

To get back to your original point:
Everybody not yet decided, pick up a pen/grab the keyboard and start to make a difference. Be aware, it's not instant gratification/reward or swiping left or right. Take your time, slow down and let it unfold. Some people pass through our lifes others are meant to stay a bit longer. That is the way of life. What matters: It's so worthwhile :o) 

 
ST4s

No, Freebird, I got my fresh handkerchief out on Friday, but thanks :-)

And +1 to everything else you said. There is something to engaging someone with vastly different life experiences, both in the present tense and with the time-dilation of writing back and forth.

I think life in the modern world kind of conditions us for immediate feedback though, which I think is at the root of some of the posts you’ll see on here – how it’s been a whole day, or a whole week, or whatever, without a reply, and panic sets in. I think there’s a built-in advantage to taking one’s time – where thoughts that spill out on paper, uninterrupted, can go very deep, in both directions, and it does lead to levels of trust you’ll be hard-pressed to find out here. Maybe that's part of the explanation? Maybe chemistry's the other part? Who knows?

What you can get out of this though… LAWDY! That’s the part they don’t tell you about.

 

Oh, and by the way, I thought Switzerland is supposed to be neutral, which is why I'm convinced this really is a conspiracy ;-)

 

 
freebird1

Ha! ST4s.. you didn't see us coming??? lol  

After nearly 6 years of penpalling.. I can honestly say I went into it like so many....'to brighten up someone's day'. Oh how I hate that cliche now!  Why? Because once a good friendship is established and the connection fluid, strong and with continuity, it is so much more!   I see my personal journey as an education about people, circumstance and situations we would never learn about in any other way. AND hand on heart can honestly say, I have received far more than I have given.  I don't feel bad that several have come and gone...there are no guarantees as to how long anyone might stay in another's life,no matter who or how you might meet. The important thing is that each and every one turned into a personal, quality and unique experience, and despite making a difference to an otherwise bleak existence for many, what I got gifted in return has been immeasurable.  Even the odd couple that turned out a bit difficult and ultimately ended the friendship, it has never made me ever think about stopping. In fact I believe it to be quite addictive, and find myself trusting those I write to, far more than anyone I might meet outside.  But just as a side note, to anyone new to this writing game.... always remember the two lifestyles are poles apart, and be prepared to deal with anything and everything on the emotional spectrum..  do you need more tissues ST4s?? xx

 

 
ST4s

Great. Now it’s a conspiracy with Switzerland chiming in. Fine. I give up. (I’m kidding :-) Thank you all for your kind words.

My main point in putting this out there… never mind… I don’t want to sound like a broken record… okay... well… fuck it… is this really matters. I think those of you who do this write-a-prisoner thing already know. And Petra, you’re spot-on in saying the difference runs in both directions. It really does. And finding gems in the unlikeliest of places too. They’re there. Maybe you think you can brighten someone’s day, and I’m certain you can. Just get ready when it comes back to you, multiplied exponentially.

I hope y’all can find this out for yourselves, or already have.

 

 
Petra Swiss Miss

I think that is one of the most heartfelt and truest forms to show the trust you two established. It speaks volumes about you as a person, how much you are valued and trusted. And that your bud is working through his horrors and speaking about it, is a huge step in letting them go eventually.

I think you're spot on about making a difference. But I like to add it goes both ways. Going into this with an open mind can lead to the most amazing connections with people we would probably never meet in our day to day.

I hope your connections keep this strong and awesome. I'm wishing your bud all the best for his future and that he can overcome his demons.

Thank you for sharing This!

 
ST4s

Okay!!! Fine!!! Jeez!!! I just can’t catch a break here ;-)

But you made me think of something, Freebird. For all the folks who come on here from time to time, worrying about using their real address, that maybe when that “dangerous criminal” “convicted felon” pen pal is released, they just might come and find you and knock on your door – it’s true. They just might. Case in point. It happened right here on Friday. And I can report it’s a friggin’ mindblower!

Same person, completely different context, right? And the truth and immediacy of it, right there in your living room, is the coolest and most amazing thing. Because they’re not there to be the “dangerous criminal”. They were done with that a long time ago when the judge’s gavel fell. They’re there because you’ve made a true friend; you broke through that unspeakably cruel world they were in and made a difference. And they wanted you to know. Because that’s what real friends do.

But please though, let me make this point again: anyone writing in is doing the exact same thing. Don’t discount the importance of what you’re doing. It matters. More than you’ll ever know. And that’s not me telling you this. I have it on the best authority.

 

 
freebird1

ST4s, but it is kinda about you! Because without you, your bud would never have been sitting in someone's comfortable home, drinking coffee, relating horror stories, or feeling the 'love' for real would he?? For those of us who know you well, the extraordinary lengths you sometimes go to is stuff most of us would never even have thought about, your humble, honest, sincere and caring approach is something to be admired. So, yes .. it is about you as well!  Without you, your bud wouldn't know what a true friend is, wouldn't have the confidence to go knock on someone's door and say Hi...    as an overseas correspondent, I am envious in some ways, as the chance of meeting any of my ppls just won't happen. Reading inspiring stories such as yours is the next best thing.  :)

 
ST4s

Well, thank you all, but I didn’t intend for this to be about me.

I think those of us who’ve picked up the mantle can be tethers in a way – the connections to what’s good out here. The unimaginable importance of this didn’t really strike me until my bud laid it out in plain English, right to my face, right after recounting so many horrors past, and I’m not ashamed to admit, reduced me to a sobbing mess. So, yes, it is about love – in this case, brotherly love and humanity among me and my buds. But like I said, this isn’t just about me. This is about all of us who do this, so, go write your bud, or go find one, and be that tether yourself.

 
Kirsten

Well, ST4s, and you know what it means to have a safe space to talk about this with as friend who is present and listening.

An act of love, as so many done by you.

Keep on shining!

Kirsten

 
Northernyank

I'm sorry for what your Bud had to witness and live through. My husband shields me from a lot of the horrors but sometimes in a letter, he will relay to me some of the events. It turns my stomach. It's one thing to read something like that in a letter but it's another when the person is there sitting on your sofa telling you about the horrors of prison. I wish him all the best. 

 
Carmen163

Thank you for sharing this ST4s. It's true, we all know that there is more going on behind those walls than we'll ever know. But what it is, stays mostly unclosed. 

The other day my pp started his letter by saying he witnessed something shocking. The only antidote he could provide to himself was writing a letter to me, thinking about our friendship, thinking about my life, what I'd be doing now, smiling at my picture. At that point, I symbolized 'normal' and 'human' to him. He did explain at some point what happened: a guy was stabbed severely right in front of his cell. He couldn't do anything to intervene or to help, he just had to witness it happening. 

Your post helps me understand better how utterly important we are for our pp's. It's not only the friendship and the wonderful conversations, it's far deeper and essential for them. 

I wish your 'bud' all the best. I truly hope he finds peace in himself, so he can beat those trauma demons. 

 
Selosa

I am glad that you had this wonderful experience ST4s. I think many of us imagine meeting with our penpals when they are free. So this seems like a dream come true. I hope we have a positive influence on our penpals and they have a positive influence on us.