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IL_PPP

just wondering - was it looks, crime, their blurb, their sign? Something else?


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Corrine919

Honestly I chose my pp because his description said he was from my hometown, but we’re both in another state now. I just thought it might give us something to chat about. His crime is pretty scary, but his release date is way off, so I thought it would be okay. He is only a little over an hour away now, so maybe I will go visit him someday. 

 
knorton2019

My criteria was rather simple. I read through their profile statement (if there was not one, I would go to next listing). If something she said sparked an interest or meshed with my thought process, I would write her. Oh I would check the crime she did, too. Just to see what she had done. Not that her crime would be a bar as most crimes women commit not as bad as what guys can get into.

 
loe31

I chose similarly to a lot of others here I guess. I have a system when I'm reading profiles, kind of a checklist. I look at age first. If they mention romance it's an auto-nope. If they seem unremourseful, auto-nope. The last thing I check is their crime. I know it's sensitive here but there are crimes I just can't cope with and I won't write to those inmates. After all that, if they seem kind and emotionally intelligent then I write! I've only had one bad experience so I think my system is working pretty well. I've made some amazing friends.

 
minna.frandas

Oh and all my penpals mentioned they are not looking for a relationship in their profiles :)

 
minna.frandas

 

Hi all!

I have 4 penpals (3 snailmail and 1 jpay) and I live in Sweden so they where all willing to correspond over seas. Also I like writing to someone close to my age. If I find their profile connectable I write :)

I wrote a few women but none responded but I have found 4 men that I really would call good friends to me by now. I’m married and just love getting and writing letters so it’s nothing romantic, It’s reaching out for someone in a bad place. I send a book or two now and then, none ever asked me for it or anything else. The letters I get makes me think, learn and often laugh coz these guys are very funny! 

 
Mateo

The main factor for me was appearance. But I went for an overall factor when I picked my penpal. I wanted to make sure I would be writing with someone who had a long sentence for a major crime because they'll need the company more if they're locked up longer. I also made sure he was in California so whenever I visit California, I can also visit him in Prison (I recently just got confirmation that my visitation questionnaire has been approved so I officially can visit him). He is around my age, so we have similar topics to talk about, but his lifestyle is completely different from mine which I thought would be better to keep the topics we talk about interesting. Our worlds are opposites which has made our bond a lot stronger than if I chose someone similar to myself. I'm happy with my choice, either way, and I think I chose the right penpal.

 
athenaoftheaegeansea

I know this is an older thread but I had to check it out because I was interested and then I wanted to find out what everyone’s sign was, lol.  I chose all my JPay and snail mail pen pals based on the fact they were looking for someone they could talk to about books and the outdoors.  I did look for pen pals within ten years of my age.  Oddly enough, they are all JLWOP (adults, obviously now) and all Irish, those things I did not search for.  I, myself, am a Cancer.  Tough shell, soft heart.

 
Isabelle

Ooh..Camelia..I think you may need to tell him that you're clearly not the one as you have no intention.of changing your beliefs for him, and that he seems to have got the wrong end of the stick about your relationship with him...

 
menyanthe

The first one I wrote seemed like a nice guy who needs some cheering up. And I somehow felt some connection. The second guy I wrote seemed somewhat interesting and I really hope that we would have nice conversations. They both have not received their letters yet as WAP would send them out to them on the 23rd. So I don't know yet if they would reply but I hope so. I have also saved about 7-8 others in a "potentially" list - half of them are women. And I am still looking at profiles - I will never be able to look through all profiles anyway, but at least I try to see as many as I can. :)

 
Reynout

I was just doing some random surfing on the web during a lull in activity in my morning shift at my workplace whwn I by chance stumbled upon her profile on WAP. Her profile very much appealed to me so I decided to drop her a few lines. My intitial contact e-mail will be forwarded to her on January 23.

 
Sunnysideup

I write to 5, started in March this year, or at least sent my first message ready for the 4 April mail out from WAP.

I'm middle 60's (shock horror, old!! LOL), so wasn't expecting replies, although I wrote to guys in their early 60's and 70's at first. I know what it's like to feel invisible as you age, and thought maybe it was worse in prison. I also write to a couple of guys in their 50's so over the 10 year age gap, that seems so big to others. ;-)  I get on really, really well with both of them, they are not bothered by my age, and with one, I say I'm your older sister, and he's my little bro. 

The fact is despite age we have things in common, we share a sense of humour,  and really enjoy writing.  

The 60 yr old guys I tease and say they're only youngsters, I should know, I've been 60! 

Two of my pals are lifers, another is on death row, and one is due parole next year, I expect him to get it.

One I intend to visit next year, I'm in the UK so you guys in the States, who say it's too far, tell me about it!! LOL. I'm nervous as anything, and it wasn't on my agenda when first writing, but he's a lifer and not had visitors in a long, long time. There is a connection, but I'm far too old to think it's romantic, it is very much a friendship, although we've had up's and down's as we have learned about each other over the last 9 months. Several misunderstandings, two blazing arguments and a few..."we'll agree to disagree's"! Sometimes, Brit and American English is very, very different.  

I've learned a lot about the  prison system, the person behind the word "inmate" and also a lot about myself. You're never too old to learn...

The sense of responsibility is immense; I always knew I had to take care not to drop someone, but I wasn't fully prepared for the level of commitment or feelings I have that they are in my life now and always will be as long as they want it. I say they, because ultimately,  some will move on, and that's how it should be. The responsibility I feel to hold up my end, is because I am so important in their life. I don't say that in an arrogant way, but each one has become attached, there is a connection. 

We have to be careful with that because love comes in many guises, and can be confused with romantic love. 

Well, more than enough waffle from me!

Sunny...

 

 

 
Northernyank

I  have 3 pen-pals. I chose one because of what was written about him by his friend that put his ad up. We have a very goofy type of email exchange. My 2nd pen-pal, put it all out there so speak and has a great deal of remorse. I should mention there are certain crimes I won't write to, and I vet my pen-pals as much as I can. My 3rd pen-pal is a lifer, I liked what he wrote, and loved his picture. He's def more than a pen-pal at this point. 

 
IL_PPP

Shadey you’re totally right. I wasn’t going to write my Cali pal until after the holidays but maybe I’ll let him know I’m not feeling it..

 
ShadeyBiz89

@ Camelia: He will hurt way worse if you drop him without anything. Yes, it's uncomfortable and he will be hurt, but he'll get over that, being dropped creates abandonment issues that are REALLY hard to get over. I don't know if you've ever had someone stop talking to you without explanation, but that hurts and most people would prefer any explanation rather than nothing. Just respects him, his time and his effort. Try to put yourself in his position, would you rather people stop writing without telling you or to receive something letting you know so you can have closure? I'd pick the second one, anyday. It doesn't have to be long, drawn out or complicated. Just a few lines even just to say that you don't feel the same connection he does, and therefore you feel it's best if he finds someone who fits his needs, and then just leave it at that. People think goodbye letters are bad or mean or whatever, you don't have to be mean about it, but be honest and they'll appreciate that. I just guarantee you, being dropped without warning is way worse than being told the truth, that you don't want to correspond anymore. Waiting for something that never comes hurts way more than being told so he knows not to expect correspondence from you going forward. 

 
Kirsten

I did not look into the signs initially (i.e. not during the process of choosing), but I looked at it after having written and I found a strange thing:

I've already mentioned one's a Sag like myself and there was a Leo with whom I just exchanged one letter back & forth. 

But the others are two Cancers & two Libras. And the ones I'm closer with are the two Libras. Which would mean I ought to look on it from my Moon & Asc, that are both in that sign as well. But those really weren't a criterion in choosing. Though a tight Sun-Moon-Pluto conjunction (shared with the "little one") could be seen as an indicator.

But honestly, I didn't do synastries first.

As for writing or not writing to certain ppl: I'm not an atheist, but I've never felt comfortable around fundamentalists (of any religious or political view). So a strong "born again Christian" conviction would not be my cup of tea. (Let alone to discuss astrology with one of them... *lol*) But I always felt well around "spiritual" or "non-denominational" ones.

As for the commisary order list: In a way this reminds me of the Leo I wrote about  above. He didn't send me an actual list with orders, but let drop some hints about how his T:V. got broken cause it "somehow fell from my desk" (gravity is a hard thing sometimes...) and how expensive lawyers are (sure, but his ad didn't mention he needed a cashcow...). As I said, we just exchanged one letter, not more.   

If these two mentioned by IL PPP and Camelia were pp's of mine they'd probably get a goodbye letter, wishing them well on & with their way.

 
Camelia97

@Sparrow Yeah, a part of me is feeling bad for him and the other part really wants to stop dealing with

@Shadey You're probably right , he got a life sentence so he must be really desparate, anyway I souldh send him a letter like you've said but I really don't want to make him sad

 
FrankieBones

I'm very deep thinking and idealistic which is why you'll get me throwing myself at things I agree with... But then I'll throw throw something under the bus if I have to. Words are my thing, but not a lot of other people can be bothered with the way I think...

 
ShadeyBiz89

@ Kirsten... that connection you describe, it's exactly what I have with my main PP and also my CCWF pal... totally get you on that one, I've had it crop up a few times and it's some kind of awesome when that happens!

@ Frankie... I know you don't believe in the astrology nonsense, but now I understand why I appreciate your posts so much, if I understand correctly you said you're an Aquarius, well so am I, LOL! 

@ Camelia... HOLY SH*T!!!!! Normally I would not advocate stopping writing without saying anything, but in cases like that, I mean, I felt uncomfortable reading it and it has notjhing to do with me at all, so I don't know! He's probably just lonely and desperate for female attention, but that's no excuse to project that onto you and start attaching himself to you! If you're gonna stop writing, then just send him a short note saying so and just say you don't feel the same connection to him that he does to you and that you think it's best for both of you if you part ways, that's what I would do! I wouldn't leave him hanging, I'd be tempted to in this case, but I'd probably still say something, because then at least he has closure and won't be expecting something that never comes... just some food for thought! 

@IL PPP... you and that Cali guy, I dunno, I still think it's rude that he did what he did, you should do what this other person did, send him a bill of yours, highlight the amount and ask him to help you out, and see if he gets the hint, LOL! Someone on here did that years ago and I thought it was the greatest thing ever, LOL! But yeah, your timeline to IL dude, that's like me with my main guy and my main girl PP... I have times where I send lots like that too, LOL you're not alone!

So since we're talking astrology, I'm not hugely into it either but... LOL, I'm Aquarius... and my pals are... Two Scorpios, a Capricorn, a Pisces and an Aquarius... LOL, my Aquarius pal literally said to me in one of the early letters, "I sit here and get so tripped out by your mail, alot of how you feel is exactly the way I feel, and now I know why, we share the same sign!" My best connections are with my Pisces and Aquarius, so that might say something!

Awesome discussion, let's keep it going!

 
ShadeyBiz89

OMG, I'm late to this one! 70 replies late, OOPS!

Well, this is kinda complicated for me, I have 5 penpals, but 4 of them are from TV, so this is kinda crazy, lol. 

I have 3 male, 2 female. One hispanic, one mixed (half black and half Irish), and three black. The majority of the inmates I've written to have been black, not intentional, that's just how it worked out. I don't mind age gaps, but generally I try to stick to people my own age, all my penpals are slightly older than me except my main PP who is two years younger. Not intentional, just how it is.

I found my main PP on WAP back in October 2014, feels like forever ago, he replied to me that November and the rest is history... so based on ad criteria here, he's the one I can answer... I picked him because of what he wrote in his profile. I always focus on words and how someone uses that space to share about themselves, the type of vibe it gives me. I'm not a superficial type, it's about the kind of person they are and their personality, as those things determine how well we will connect. He wasn't flashy, wasn't fake, wasn't superficial, he seemed genuine and grounded, so I wrote to him. He's no longer on WAP now though, but taking that step has been very rewarding and fulfilling for both of us, we're on a pretty good groove and I'd say I made a pretty solid decision writing him! 

Love this topic by the way, it's always interesting to hear other people's insights on how they arrived at who they wrote to!

 
sparrow

I sent out initial letters to two guys, both African American, and have heard back only from one (but he's been pretty great so far). Still hopeful on the second guy, though! He's in TX, so I'm imagining that the delay's due to the Christmas rush and probably also Texas being Texas.

@ Camelia97 oh my gosh! I understand not wanting to add more sadness to his life by stopping corresponding with him, but that's also crazy uncomfortable.

@IL_PPP I agree with Cam! It sounds like this guy genuinely appreciates that you care! And honestly it never seems like they can get too much mail-- you're probably making his day. :)

 
Camelia97

Yeah sometimes the mails is incredibly slow but don't worry you will soon know his answer . One time I had to wait 20 days for his letter so I know how the wait can be stressful . Don't panic it's going to be okay I'm sure in a few days you'll have his letter !

I feel you about sending a tons of letters since it's the same for me , even tho I know he only respond with mails I often send him Jpay letters sometimes without any particular reasons just to say hi and let him know that I think of him. At first I felt annoying and weird sending a millions of letters to him but he told how much he love to receive them because it showed him that I wasn't forgetting him so now I don't feel stupid anymore. So you shouldn't feel silly because by sending him a lot of letters you show that you really care for him and for an inmate it matters and can bring joy to him, plus yours seems to look forward to hear from you so it's alright . 

About the phone calls yeah it's a good idea but at the same time it can be frustrating because inmates can't call often . Mine callled me for the first time 10 days ago and I still haven't receive is second call even tho he said that he will call again the next day and I'm just freaking out since Idk if he didn't do it because of me or because of the prison. Also, once you'll hear and know his voice you're probably going to miss him even more, that 's what happened for me 

 

 
IL_PPP

@cam: idk :( i sent it 12/6 through whatever website they use for funds, and then sent a brief letter on 12/7 (because i couldn't include a note with the deposit). you know, i'm gonna write out my timeline here for the last few letters

10/30 - me to him

11/15 - brief one page me to him for thanksgiving

11/16 - thanksgiving card

11/20 - him to me (gets here 11/28)

11/27 & 28 - i sent two 5 page letters (the response warranted that lol)

12/6 - i deposit $20

12/7 - i sent brief, one page christmas letter including my # bc we'd discussed that in our 10/30 11/20 letters, but i didn't include it in 11/28 letter, figured a one page letter will get to him quicker anyway bc review in the mailroom takes less time; i'm hopeful we can set up a once a week phone call going forward in addition to regular correspondence. idk.

12/11 - i sent christmas card

12/12 - i sent another 5 page letter in response to his 11/20 letter

(i feel silly having sent out 2903327 letters, but this lag has me depressed. and he's expressed his happiness that i write, saying i have him spoiled and it's tough to be cool when he doesn't see his name on the list, etc etc so i figured he won't mind me writing like, 4 times a week... plus i have so much to say)

 
Camelia97

@Lisa M : Yeah the cringe was real ...

 
Lisa_M

Camelia:  Damn that guy came on strong.  I felt uncomfortable just reading that lol 

 
Camelia97

@IL PPP Yeah I can understand why you don't want to talk to him anymore. He's already having help from his mom and still wants more, some inmates doesn't have anyone and don't ask anything, so he should be grateful and stop these stupid hints... Your present for the other one is really nice, I wanted to do something like this for my pal too but I've heard that hispanic men don't like that women pays for them ... Idk if it applies for the ones in prison but I still didn't dar to do it because I wasn't sure if my pal would appreciate that or not . How yours reacted ?

 
IL_PPP

@cam: girl, no. i've never once told him i would buy him something. i perceive that he's dropped hints in EVERY letter he's sent ("my mom sends me money" "there's a whole bunch of songs i want to buy" etc etc). my il pal though, he's never once asked for anything. he got $20 from me for christmas

 
Camelia97

Okay from what you said he doesn't seems really interesting ... So he wants you to buy him commisaries , it's because you've proposed that to him ? Because if it's not the case that would sucks since it means that is an opportunist who probably wants to use you . I mean I know all the guys who ask for help aren't like that but yours doesn't seems really nice...

 
BabyBlueEyes

I did! Thanks for posting it, it looked really good. I need to ask my PP where and when he was born haha. 

 
IL_PPP

@baby blue - did you visit that astro site i linked the other day? any trouble w it?

 
IL_PPP

@cam: i haven't decided yet. i received his letter earlier this week. i've noticed his turn around time is starting to take longer, and longer... i'm kind of perturbed because as i mentioned in another thread, he sent me a commissary list with a bunch of highlighted stuff. i'm thinking about writing after the holidays. but he and i - we have nothing to talk about. his letters are all "lousy bastards" and "i want to really hurt lazy people."

 
Camelia97

@Lisa M Yeah maybe sometimes the age doesn't define the maturity, it's cool that you can get along with someone much older and I think that it's a lot easier to stop pay attention to the gap when you share the same interest with the person .

@BabyBlueEyes Exactly ! Even my former boyfriends never said stuff like that to me lol

@IL PPP Yeah it's so umcomfortable ! The thing is, if these guys were out there we would just block their phone numbers and get over it ! But since they already have difficult lives they are much more sensitive and it's much more difficult to get rid of them without hurting them. What happens with your cali pal ??

 
IL_PPP

@cam: i hear ya, i'm going through that w my cali pal, but he's not sought a romantic relationship like your guy did!!!

@lisa: it's nice to know that some of the older folks don't take the "romance ball" and run with it upon receiving letters. i suppose some people are capable of friendship only LOL

 
BabyBlueEyes

Wow, Camelia, that's pretty intense for a first letter! Even the first few letters that would be too much to me. 

 
Lisa_M

One of my pen pals is in his early 60s.  We do have some common interests, so I find talking to him quite easy.  At no point is it ever weird because of his age.  Also, I liked the idea that nothing would ever get misconstrued as anything other than platonic.  We have a pretty good friendship despite the age difference I'd say.  

 
Camelia97

No his profile didn't mention his beliefts , I've just checked again and at the part "Seeking prayers partner" it's a no . 

Tbh I received his last letter last month and I still haven't replied . I don't want to continue to talk to him and I don't want to hurt his feelings at the same time so it's complicated 

 
IL_PPP

@camelia: did his profile say anything about his beliefs? i know there's a spot on the left that says what religion they are, but did his actual blurb say anything? did you tell him you were going to stop writing or is it still going?

 
BabyBlueEyes

I agree Frankie. I thought it would be nice to learn about the different views, lifestyle etc but i realised the age gap probably was too big and it probably wouldn't last. Wasn't sure if we'd have much common ground to go on.

Three of mine are white and one hispanic. 

 
Camelia97

My actual PP is hispanic too and I love it !

The one that I've mentionned before he's american . 

 
Camelia97

First, we didn't have anything in common, he was nice but really made me feel uncomfortable for a few reasons.

One of the things that I didn’t like was the fact that his letter were boring, let me explain that: In my first letter I introduced myself and to makes things clear I told him that I’m an atheist, but I do respect all religions and believers. He said that he was okay with that but still talked about Christianism in EVERY letter that he has sent. He was always talking about how I should change my beliefs, that I didn’t make the right decision and that how he wanted to help me. So he talked again and again about the story of the Christianism and the bible , and how he was a “soldier of the cross” I can understand that religion can be important especially for people in this kind of situation but the fact that he was talking about it over and over only to convince me was annoying and I couldn’t understand all when he was talking about the history of stuff like that.

But what I really didn’t appreciate and have make me feel really uncomfortable was the fact that for him we were starting a love relationship!

I didn’t mention that he was incarcerated since 1996 and got a life sentence but in his first letter it was clear for him that we were starting a love relationship even tho I've never mention that possibility in my first letter. My first letter was pretty simple, I just introduced myself and explained that I would like to be his PP, I’ve sent a normal picture of me without anything suggestive, so I don’t understand why he immediately felt that we were going to be a couple.

Here’s a quote from his first letter ''I can’t promise you any pink bunnies and cotton candy, but I can promise a man that will give you his all when it comes in the relationship we build". I've found that a little bit weird, but I thought that it was maybe a difference of culture, so I still responded, and my response didn't have anything romantic. He sent me a letter again with a big extract of the bible about the relation between husbands and wives and what he would do for me if I was his girlfriend. Before I’ve responded he sent 2 other letters with a bunch of pictures and still containing romantic stuff like : “Your friends would see my tattoos and think this and that but they would never guess that I will honor you the rest of our lives … and would give my life for you’’ and at this point I had only sent to him 2 letters making it clear that I’m just a friend . He mentioned many romantic/creepy stuffs like how he wanted to give me ‘’a foot massage with warm lotion’’ and said that his mom wouldn’t appreciate that her daughter in law is an atheist but still would give her life to me.

I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but every time I was reading his letters I just felt uncomfortable I was only responding in order to not being rude.

 
IL_PPP

what race(s)/ethnicities are your pals?

(this is just out of genuine curiosity, not meant in any way to offend. all of mine are hispanic.)

 
FrankieBones

Once you get more than 10 years ago gap it's a different generation. It would be like talking to your uncle or dad rather than someone you're close to.

 
BabyBlueEyes

I'm interested to know how it was too. I considered writing to a guy who was in his 60s (i'm 31) but i realised we probably wouldn't have much in common so i stayed away from that. 

 
IL_PPP

How's the discussions with the 20+ age gap guy? Different generation that's for sure.

 
Camelia97

@IL PPP Yeah 3 years is alright ! I feel like not having a big age gap with a PP is a good thing like it's more easy to become friends and find subjects of discussions ! I've writted to a guy who was 20 years old than me and I really regretted it, it's not the same kind of discussions and I'd never have with him the bond that I have with my actual PP. 

 
IL_PPP

"only 3 years older than me and were both gemini, his birthday is only one day after mine so I did consider this as a sign that I should writte to him haha. "

hehehe i love this - i'm the day before my IL pal, and 3 years older :)))

 
Camelia97

Tbh the first reason why I went to his profile was his picture, he looked very cool and I liked his smile. Then the description on his profil was very interesting , short and clear and he also said that he wanted to correspond with someone overseas wich was good for me since I'm from France and on most of the profiles that I had visited before had the mention that the inmates didn't want someone who don't live in USA. I also checked his crime just to make sure that he didn't commit something that I personnaly do consider as unforgiveable (sexual crimes, crimes involving childrens...) Once I've checked that I was reassured ,even tho he still had commited something wrong . And I also liked the fact that he's only 3 years older than me and were both gemini, his birthday is only one day after mine so I did consider this as a sign that I should writte to him haha. 

So yeah I picked him because of his appareance , then his profile , the fact that his crime was forgiveable , and his age + zodiac sign 

I feel like even tho we all know that it's not a dating site we still choose someone who attract us, I guess it's the human nature yes

 

 
FrankieBones

There wa nothing much out of the ordinary on her profile when I met my current one but we laugh and joke about the same things and have a conversation that can go on just carrying itself. Its good like that.

 
Lisa_M

IL_PPP, sorry I'm late on the reply, and it's totally off topic now, but to answer your question I'm in PA.  (Kinda wishing this site had some sort of private messaging feature) 

 
sparrow

Thanks so much for the warm welcome, everybody! <3

@IL PPP: My friend from gym continues to do well! Sober for three years or so, happy lifestyle. :) As far as my pen pal goes, we literally just started! I sent out my first letter around Thanksgiving, got his reply last week, and we switched to JPay over the weekend. We're still getting to know each other, but he seems enthusiastic and kind and I'm looking forward to watching our (hopeful!) friendship develop. 

@Kirsten: YES! I totally know that feeling you were describing, just that sense of rightness when you find someone you have to talk to. Thanks for putting it into words so well! 

 
Reyenah

@IL_PPP

No, they both correspond by snailmail, but it's good that they can see something every couple of days between "main" letters. Post seems to take anywhere from 8-15 days from US to UK, so sending some minor stuff in between helps to pass the time :)