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Atemwende

A concerning trend I notice on these boards. 

I won’t look down from a platform, acting like I, giving in to this environment, haven’t myself been guilty of it to some extent as well. 

 

But no more, because I look around and don’t like what I see.

 

I look around, and the majority of you log onto here (and elsewhere) to join together in casually telling and discussing all your penpals’ business, giddy to—ever willing to discuss what you consider to be “your” inmate. Casually trading their stories like one might trade cards: “your” inmate said this, “your” inmate did this, “your” inmate feels this, “your” inmate revealed this to you. To a point where it comes to seem that they, on the other side, can’t count on much of anything remaining private or kept cherished between just the two of you. (Although I suppose the possessions we most treasure and love to show off can never count on such things, can never count on being treated as more than a possession we love to show off.) You talk about what they do, say, and feel, as if sharing something cute your pets did today. 

I question, why?

 

Would you discuss your civilian friends (or, for some of you, civilian romantic partners) the way you do the inmates you write in to and would also dare to call friend (or partner)? Would you frequent as often as you could a board solely for the purpose of discussing them, that you’d come to any and every time you encountered an issue with your friend/partner, or any and every time they did something “cute” or “sweet” or “triumphant” to share with a community that resolves solely around their presence in your life?

Why this incessant need to share? How would you yourself feel if someone was always sharing what you told them, sharing what you do and how you do it, too, sharing how you told them you feel about personal matters? Sharing all your bad days and all your precious good days with them too? Sharing you and your life like they’d share pictures of their pets? 

 

Some of you consult this board and other boards like it on issues and matters between you and your penpal, the human you write to on the other side, more than you do your actual penpals, the humans you write to on the other side.

 

Tell me, are they pets or equals? Are they human or thing?

 

As a wise Cali rapper once said, “Havin’ people all in our business, ain’t as poppin’ as we made it.” Maybe think about that, and consider not bringing as many people into your business, into your penpal’s business, as you do and have been.


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GalapagosDiver2

100% to everything @ShadeyBiz89 has said.

Whenever someone puts anything out into the public arena (whether it be a song, a forum topic, a blog post), I think the person should let it live.  It's going to take on a life of its own and go in all sorts of directions - that's just how the world works.  People have different perspectives, different cultures, differences in sense of humour. It's what makes the world so interesting.

One thing that I have gained from writing to those incarcerated, is a greater appeciation and respect for my freedom.  And I mean that in every sense of the word, including the freedom to engage in online discussion about this very aspect of my life.  I'm sure that I'm not alone in placing a higher value on my freedom since entering this world.

So then, I think it's completely understandable if people don't appreciate others trying to control or somehow limit that very freedom in a place like this.

 
ShadeyBiz89

Drifting in conversation happens, and trying to censor that isn't going to get anywhere. It's an Internet forum, people have the right to post what they want to post. I've posted threads and most if not all of them have gone off topic, it's not the end of the world, it's better to have shared interaction where everyone feels free to engage than to have to tip toe around because someone will get pissed off if we go off topic. It's not a matter of disrespect or anything else, just that the original conversation has run its course. I respect your view Kirsten, as rude as you may find it to go off topic, I find it equally so to tell people what they can't and can't post about (as someone has already said). I'm with MG65, AnneMarie and all those that have said similar. 

 
FrankieBones

The prison industrial complex is one of the biggest forms of modern slavery. I should know, the person I know and love works for UNICOR (no not unicorns, I wish).  The whole impetus of doing things for UNICOR is that it is business and if a person has a shitty day they get penalised even more for it. They work making military uniforms by the bucketload. She now works on behalf of the Airforce, all of their uniforms come out of UNICOR factories. So when you think about saluting your veterans you know, love and trust in the United States.

Think about the prisoners who made their uniform they nearly kissed their ass goodbye in.

 
Anne marie HH

Its like anything else prison related..they make money off inmates..why? Cos they can..we in the free world can say f*** that and shop elsewhere..inmates can t...thats the real reasonyou can t send in a care package..its nothing to do with security..thats horseshit..its to do with them making money.
Going back to off topic....so what? Things drift..when.you have 100 + comments and there is only..about 10 of us that comment.on stuff regulary..then its gonna be hard not to drift...its not disrespectful..its just how it is...plus of course.no one owns these forums/threads...so I find the foot stamping and the ooh get off ' my threads" somewhat silly

 
Been_on_the_inside

@st4s I have so much bro love for you :-) 

 
ST4s

@Been, you’d have been so bombarded with mail – but you make a whole bunch of us smile here too, so PLEASE keep us posted on the pop tarts with ice cream thing! And FYI, your very own coolness factor has never been in question. Just sayin’

 
Been_on_the_inside

@lotusblossom im not gonna lie it’s not easy or gonna be easy for you or your loved one those Facebook groups are not set up to have a view a say they are set up for one reason to be powerful against people who can’t speak up and say hey this is my side. And your gonna come across people who want to be judge and jury. My wife as not had it easy and that’s partly my fault cause of my mistakes, but you know each other and you have a good head. You really do got this, because of many  people on here a lot of inmates will have a new outlook I hope when people read the negative they never forget what they are doing for the inmates they reach out too. When he’s home it will be hard but right now it’s just you later it’s gonna be him and you, having each other and what you bring to each other will honestly change people minds and if not fuck em you never have to justify. I honestly think you will both be ok :-) 

 
LotusBlossom

Honestly, I’m sort of glad to know that there’s a fb group, so my BF and I could discuss it, share it with the other inmates, etc.  They know there are people who treat them like toys and like this is a competition.  It really opened up a good conversation for us how to protect our privacy, and what if we have to deal with people like that in the future, who wants to know our personal business to use against us?  That stuff will help us later if we get our chance at happily ever after and decide to live together, get married, etc.  

This forum is a very nice place once I figured out quickly who the people are that are quick to tell everyone what they view as mistakes, then insist they are getting picked on as soon as people treat them the same way.  I found it’s easier if I avoid them and refuse to engage with them.  No one wants to be seen as the bad guy, so they’ll just keep going if you give them that window of opportunity, despite the fact they’re censored on here, or banned, for their behavior.  But I think everyone deals with that stuff in their own way and does what works for them.

I can’t tell you all how much I appreciated some of the advice on here about staying cool during the heat wave, how to deal with other things that were bothering me.  It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

 
Been_on_the_inside

@st4s your so cool you make me smile if I was still inside I’d love you to be my penpal. 

 
ST4s

@Been, yes, I jaywalk at home all the time. That's the norm. And moreso in our neighborhood (nightlife central) on the weekends - it's like anarchy (the three-sheets-to-the-wind kind). But at that street corner in Berlin in the middle of the night? No way!!! There were others there too, waiting, like they're supposed to, and we just wanted to blend. I got mistaken for Dutch once there too. Might have been the shoes. (no, not those ones)

 
Been_on_the_inside

I think we are just people who are passionate about what we talk about and I think in every day life we go from one thing to another when speaking to someone, I just think that’s normal in conversation I guess we all do it or have done it when it’s good here it’s good, there’s a few here that just want to call names and bully but that happens on many places on the internet. @kirsten I think you had some very good point and you always give me a reason to step back and think about things cause even though people don’t always agree with you and you know that your still respectful enough to say what you have to say. If you come at someone name calling and full of hate who’s gonna want to listen. So I do respect you for standing your ground respectfully and giving other people the chance to disagree respectfully. @mg65 I think you do bring up some good points I like your light hearted way of thinking and that’s what brings out why people wanna carry on talking even if it is off topic :-) and there is nothing wrong with that. @st4s be honest dude do you cross the lights before it turns green :-) I’m gonna have to look up British parliament now it sounds interesting. 

 
Kirsten

@Been: sorry, just saw your reply after I posted my last one, thereby not responding to you sooner.

I realize that 50 $ can be a LOT of money (or too much) to place an ad. But that's a structural thing. It raises the question of how to make the money to run the site and this has (at least in part) been done by paid ads for inmates.

I can only speak for myself, but I would be willing to pay a monthly or yearly fee to be a forum member, that's not beyond what I'd be willing to do.

As you know, I placed my email info on two or three threads here. I never regretted I'm ok with it. But I also did get asked to write to someone not being able to pay the money for an ad. And as much as it saddens me for this individual, I declined, because there are enough ppl on here who DID pay and still are on the needs mail list. It just didn't seem fair, imo. On the other hand, what if I paid 50 $ per year to be a member? Wouldn't that sponsor an ad to one guy (or girl for that matter)? I don't have any solution for this.

As for the second part: Again and again I'm well, astonished and at times repelled by how ppl treat ppl. A penpal, a friend or even a significant other is not my personal possession. Has never been, isn't and will never be. So, I honestly don't get ppl who don't want someione they love to talk to other ppl. It's beyond me, sorry. There are billions of people on Earth and being with someone doesn't allow me to talk about half of them because they're of the same sex as the person I'm with (or of the same sex, if you're gay or lesbian)? That's too illogical for me to grasp.  I'm a straight woman and have never been anything else (though I've been asked of being transsexual more than once, which I'm not, but some ppl assume it, obviously) but my self-worth doesn't depend on whether I'm with a man or not or whether this relationship is monogamous or not. I never understood the fuss ppl made out of jealousy. This is not to come across as a know-it-all (I certainly don't know it all, the more I learn, the more I know what I don't know), but this is sth. I don't get. If ppl choose to be exclusive with each other physically/sexually, let them. If ppl choose to live in open relationships, let them. As long as those involved agree and are all consenting adults, I couldn't care less. But even in a monogamous relationship (which I'm in atm, but haven't been all of my life), I'll never stop talking to men intellectually or even about feelings. We are human beings and no one can share every feeling and every thought and every everything with one person all the time, except Siamese twins, perhaps. 

My partner is at a festival at the moment. I don't like the type of music,  and I can think of better things than sleeping in tent in that heat. So, it's: "Go there, enjoy yourself." Will he meet other ppl? For sure. Will some of these ppl be women? Yes. Will he talk with some? Probably, I don't think he'll suffer from sudden mutism. Will he see someone he finds attrative? Might be, even probable, they're not all ugly out there, I suppose. Will some find him attractive? I guess so, yes. Will this lead to sex or romance? Probably not, cause he was the one wanting a committed relationship and so far he hasn't been the type for double standards. But even if, we'd have to talk about it then and we can't control each other anyway. Besides, even if there was another one: It would be hard to build up what we built up together.

That's just an example and I guess this goes even more so when one of two is in prison. They can't control what their free partner is doing. And for the free one: They can't control, either.

But if one of my pps got someone he'd develop a special bond with, I'd be the one to congratulate them. If that special someone requested of him to contact contact with me, I'd ask him if he turned nuts and if a special someone of a pp threatened me I'd print the stuff out and hand it to the police, as threads against ppl aren't allowed and can be juridicable if they are severe enough. 

And that's ogff topic as well, sorry@Atemwende! 

 

 
ST4s

What I really didn’t appreciate about German culture, until we visited, was the public order of it all - how pedestrians would stand at a street corner in the middle of the night, when there was no traffic to speak of, and wait for the “walk” light to turn green before crossing the street. Or how in the busiest public square, you’d be hard pressed to find a gum wrapper or cigarette butt on the ground. And then there’s the Autobahn. Traffic of all speeds gets along because people respect the rules.

But I don’t know if such rules of order exist here. It’s almost like the British Parliament in a way, where folks stand up and shout, and I think that’s okay. I wonder what the Roman Forum was like.

 
MG65

Cultural norms, indeed! I find it extremely rude to tell people to stop talking mid conversation. Although we don't always agree I truly appreciate your input and the way you look at things. 

All my best,

MG65

 
Kirsten

I guess, it it. Staying on topic certainly is a moderator's job over here. And no one would object to it. Except those who're notoriously going ot, of course. ;-)

The bullying of course as well but that's self evident.

You say, it's a control thing going on. I say going offtopic is rude and highly inconsiderate against the one who started a thread. There you go about cultural norms, I guess.

With a smile,

Kirsten

 
MG65

Oh, and that's why I was mostly speaking about this particular forum haha. Like, if you've been to THIS forum you'd know off-topic chatter happens all the time..not just in the "off topic chatter" section. Just FYI if I was being confusing. 

 
Been_on_the_inside

@kirsten I get what @mg65 is trying to say myself and my family paid to put my brother on here (and the cost isn’t low) and I do think people who pay to do that should be protected more as well as the inmate they placed an add for. I think my bro as made 2-3 really nice people from that add who he as contact with. that part I don’t regret but the negative things that said here I understand why people would turn to place an add on a Facebook group. I’m interested on what you think about that as you have always been fair. My sister writes a man in AZ and he told her that his ex had slander him for being here, threatening people he wrote to etc (don’t know how true that is) and cause of things she placed he lost friends and had know way of stopping that. 

 

 
MG65

I've briefly been a part of a few forums but never really posted anything. They had moderators but no one ever "popped up" except for instances where there's bullying. Maybe it is a cultural thing, idk. 

 
Kirsten

In Germany, many forums are moderated- and most of the moderation means keeping threads on the topic. That doesn't mean other subjects aren't allowed. It just means that contributions that go off topic are parted from the o riginal thread and made into another one.

It's a subject-based forum, you know? ;-) And I was shocked at first how it is done here. But that may be a cultural thing as well. Over here, it's just handled differently. (And I'm thankful for that, tbh.)

 
MG65

Kirsten: I agree with you. Some people don't want to give out email or FB info, nor do they want to make a "throwaway" account. What's the point in making a post just to ask people to stop posting on it? It's a bit silly to me. I get that the convos are completely off topic but anyone that has been here long enough knows that's what HAPPENS on a forum. It's a forum, I don't know what else to say haha. 

 
Kirsten

I don't know if message boards will really all die out. tbh with you, personally I think (and this is half off-topic, and half on topic in regards to how to treat ourselves and other ppl) we're into very stressfull and tense times and they might be a time not too far away from today when ppl will be very thankful for networks and connections they built from forums like this or other ones, because it will be ppl from international networks who prove that there's another way of how to treat each other than what we're going to see. And I do not think that FB is going to provide this in the same way forums did and do.

 
MG65

Kirsten: This forum will die out just like all the other ones. A little control issue going on, I think. 

 
Kirsten

I don't think so. She'd expressed a wish, but... why the heck should ppl listen to other ppl and be respectful on a unmoderated forum? ;-)

 
MG65

Galapos: I was literally thinking that but didn't want to say anything, lol! Sounds like she needs a few...

 
Cleopatraaaa

Fingers cross it works out for you guys @Lotus and no sadly we don’t have pop tarts in Aus. I found a website though where I can but American snacks and food so I’m going to do it! I wanna see what I’m missing out on lol

 
LotusBlossom

Thank you all so much, I’ll keep you updated with resentencing news, we’re pretty excited and have high hopes.  Once it’s all over we can talk more about the details, and stuff will be out in the news.  It just takes a lot of patience!  I’m just grateful there are so many organizations out there that will take on cases to help people.

And you all are making me hungry again, I’m going to cook chorizo, eggs, and peppers to put in warm tortillas, if anyone would like “south of the border” food on the thread!

 
Anne marie HH

Ohh right..yeah just saw that...someones panties are in a bunch...

 
GalapagosDiver2

@Atemwende - sounds like you just need some Reece's cups, mate ;)

 
Anne marie HH

Yay Lotus...I was on a writing binge too sent Mitch 2 photo envelopes ..a letter and a puzzles/ quizzes envelope.
Plus sent galpal a bunch of pics and puzzes too.....I think Cleo is in Oz..not sure...but pop tarts aren t big in europe either...I never saw ANY while I was home in the Czech Repub.
But they are soooo yummy....I noticed they are on the new access pak list too. I ordered Mitch some when I did his store

 
ShadeyBiz89

Exciting news for you Lotus, fingers crossed for you guys!!!

 
Northernyank

@Lotus, that's exciting news. Fingers crossed for your LO, and keep us all updated.

 
LotusBlossom

Shady that would serve me right lol!!!!

Sounds like a fun binge, I got calls from my sweetie today so I’m on cloud nine, plus we’ve gotten some excellent, excellent news in that will be in his favor for his case.  Wish us luck!  We’re hoping for even brighter days and getting to spend our time together without worries.

 
Atemwende

Look, I hate to be mean. But can you all please stop bumping this thread for this and chat about these things somewhere else?

 
ShadeyBiz89

Lotus, what's wrong with you, LOL don't tell me about that ice cream machine, yeah it is a bad time, VERY bad! HAHAHAHA!!! LOL, that'll be funny if you get it as a Christmas gift, LOLOL!

Pop tarts are amazing, Cleo, you haven't had any before??? They're dope, I don't know where you're from but if you have them you MUST try them!

I just went on a huge writing binge. My Cali guy sent me 3 letters in the space of less than a month, and I had a letter from my NM guy as well... I had all of it to respond to, not to mention my other 2 getting updates... On Tuesday I had a day off so I did 5 letters, 2 for Cali, one for NM, one for Cali girl and one for AZ... It's feast or famine lately LOL! My letters aren't short either so that's the most writing I've done in one day for awhile! Mail is slow moving for me right now, but yeah we're rolling along, LOL! 

 
Been_on_the_inside

@northern gonna take your advice on that lol I’m gonna get my son in on the act and help me. 

 
Northernyank

@Been you need to feed it to her.....light some candles

@Galapagos, I'm always happy to ship out to you a box full of reece's pieces. 

 
MG65

They don't have reese's pieces in australia??!!!

 
Been_on_the_inside

@lotus as soon as she’s home that’s gonna be the first thing she eats thanks guys :-) 

 
Cleopatraaaa

I’ve never had pop tarts but that sounds sooooooooooo good!!! 

 
ST4s

What she said.

 
LotusBlossom

We got you, Been.  Add some vanilla ice cream on top of a toasted brown sugar pop tart, and a scoop of warm caramel sauce.  Comfort food!

 
Been_on_the_inside

My wife is craving pop tarts like crazy any ideas on how to spice them up a little guys 

 
LotusBlossom

Same about the reese’s Cups.  Plus I posted I’m making a rum ham online, invited friends, and now I have a party getting ready to happen lol.  You’re all gonna be in trouble, I just posted about the sexy pics, how will I fit into my cute little lacy things then for pics to worry over if they’ll make it through, haha?  I’ll just have to run and swim it all off because life is short, eat the chocolate !!!

 
GalapagosDiver2

My only take away from this whole thread is Reece's Cups.  Damn I'm craving some now.  I also wish they sold Reece's Pieces here in Australia. 

 
Been_on_the_inside

as a men I’m never gonna tell a women not to wear a bikini I will stay silent lol (don’t tell my wife) 

 

 
Northernyank

Reece's cups are my downfall, and they are located in all of the check out aisles. 

 
LotusBlossom

I won’t tell, sorry Been, us ladies have to stick togetger so we can rock the bikinis lol.

But this a might be a bad time to mention the company who came out with the Keurig coffee machines are coming out with a personal make your own instant ice cream machine soon.  I have to stay away from getting one, even if I get one for a gift at Christmas.  Because I would make ice cream every day and have no self control, lol.  

 
Been_on_the_inside

Nooooooo the cherry on top is just tooo much

 
Northernyank

No sir Mr. Been, this is bathing suit season and I'm rocking my bikini. Once that weather gets cold, and sweaters come out, it will be me, vanilla ice cream, hot fudge, whipped cream and a cherry on top. 

 
Been_on_the_inside

@northern you know you want that ice cream you know you do lol I’m boring I like just old mint choc chip, mmmmm northern mint choc chip