MUST BE 18 OR OLDER - MUST READ TERMS OF SERVICE

Know an inmate being released within the year who's in need of a job? We are working with employers to help find inmates work before they're released. Post a free Employment Profile for an inmate here!

Boyfriend got caught with contraband - Need Advice

24 posts / 0 new
Last post
Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture
Boyfriend got caught with contraband - Need Advice

I have been in my MWI relationship for the past seven months. He is a great guy. He’s honest, supportive, and so far it’s been the best relationship of my life...except for the obvious problem of him being in prison. 

 

About a month ago, he changed dorms. Ever since then, his behavior has changed too. A couple of days ago, he got thrown in the hole because the guards raided his cell and found drug paraphernalia (nothing hardcore, but still...). During his one phone call to me, he insisted that what they found belonged to someone else. Apparently this other inmate tried to tell the guards the truth but for some reason, it didn’t make a difference. I know how things are in prison and I’m aware that even if what they found DID belong to my boyfriend, he wasn’t going to admit it to me over a monitored phone call. So I suppose I will have to wait a while before I can find out the truth. 

 

During our phone call, he did admit to me that he was almost glad he got thrown in the hole because he needed a wake-up call. He said that ever since changing dorms, he’s been hanging out with the wrong people. Obviously if drug paraphernalia is in his cell, he’s hanging out with the wrong people. I was hoping the situation would be cleared up by now but I haven’t heard anything so I’m imagining he will be in the hole for the full 15 days. 

 

He has worked very hard, taking classes in there and now with this incident, it looks like he will lose all of his good time credits. I know he loves me but I’m a little hurt by all of this. I feel like he put his love of hustling above our relationship and even above his own best interests. I have always been very ‘cool’ about how he lives his life in there, but now I’m thinking maybe I should have been more firm about what is acceptable to me. Deep down, I knew that he was engaging with people and things that weren’t good for him. But I sort of let it slide because I love him. He says he’s seen the error of his ways but now I’m really worried about his ability to do what’s best for him and for us. Honestly, I’m worried that his lifetime love of hustling will be a difficult habit to break. Obviously if he gets drawn back into this lifestyle when he gets out, he will end up back in prison (he’s been in and out of prison for the same offenses all of his adult life). 

 

My question is: How do I handle this? I don’t want to draw a line in the sand and give him an ultimatum. Honestly, I will always love him no matter what and I could never walk away from him and leave him alone in there, no matter what he’s doing. It would destroy him. But on the other hand, I can’t just sit back and leave him to his own decides because I think he’s proven that he doesn’t always make the best decisions for himself. I don’t want to be his parent but I also don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is incapable of changing enough to keep himself out of trouble. I feel like I should be a little firm with him when we talk again but I have no idea how much of a big deal I should make out of this. I wrote him a five page letter that came off too harsh so I ended up sending a one page letter instead. I don’t even know if I should bring this stuff up in a letter while he’s in the hole or wait until he gets out and we talk on the phone. 

 

Sorry this was so long. I just needed to get all of that out. It’s been a rough couple of days.

ST4s
ST4s's picture

Hey Roma,

Well, there’s this light bulb joke: “How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?” “One, provided the light bulb really wants to change.” Now, I’m not MWI material, but I’ve forged some extraordinarily solid friendships with guys on the inside and have come to realize one thing – that the inside has its own culture, and its own playbook, and its own set of rules. Some call it the convict code. You, or I, or your bud, or my buds are never going to change it. The only things we can change is/are ourselves.

And yet, your bud and my buds are in this environment where the alternate universe of it all is the daily reality. It must be navigated. By them. We can’t navigate it for them. The only thing we can do is offer encouragement and support and hope that they make good decisions. Some (many?) (I’ve heard up to 85% in some facilities) seem to think that drugs offer an escape from that reality. I can tell you my one bud was a heroin addict and repeat offender for most of his adult life, even using in prison, and I was scared to fucking death over what would happen to him come release day, e.g. with all the fentanyl-laced shit that’s out on the streets, his probable low tolerance for that, and him winding up dead within the first week or two (I’ve read too many reports on that – ex cons overdosing and dying within so many days or weeks after release). What’s worse, he got himself kicked out of the drug intervention program on the inside.

But, got out he did. And kicked the habit he did. And reconnected with his family he did. And here, a year and a half out, he’s living proof that people can change if they really want to.

Keep the faith.

Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture

@ST4s, So you think I shouldn't make a big deal out of this? I do know that I can't begin to imagine what it's like for my LO in there. That's why I've taken a hands-off approach to how he lives his life in there. But now he's getting involved in things that are going to affect how soon he gets out. He's negating all the hard work he has done in his classes. He knows I'm out here basically dedicating my life to making sure he's well takes care of, spending many lonely nights waiting for him...and he's doing things to ensure that I'm going to have to be waiting even longer. 

I just feel a little hurt by his actions. I look at it like this -- if I was ever in prison, separated from my family and my kids, denied any kind of freedom, I'd be doing everything I could to make sure I got released ASAP. Especially if I had a great guy waiting for me on the outside. His parole date is less than a year away. If he had ten years left on his sentence, I'd see things a little differently. He's so close to the finish line and he's jeopardizing everything right now. I feel like I've given 110% for him, and I have. And after this latest incident, I feel like he's only giving about 70% for me. His mom and I have done everything humanly possible to help him but it feels like his biggest enemy right now is himself. It's hard to keep fighting for someone who isn't fighting for themselves. 
 

I do believe he can change after he gets released. I just am really disappointed at the moment. I feel that if I blow off this incident and make it seem like 'not a big deal', it's just going to happen again and again. And then eventually, I'm not going to see him as the man of my dreams who I'm patiently waiting for, but as just some guy I write to and 'if he gets out, I'll give it a shot with him -- but until then, I'm not putting all my eggs in his basket'. If that makes sense. I don't want him to just become a prison pen pal to me. I don't want to lose faith in him or in US. 

 

 

ST4s
ST4s's picture

I’m not suggesting you minimize this, but just recognize that the world inside is a place unto itself. People navigating that world are incentivized to follow the rules, both by the authorities and in this case by you and his mom. What anyone does with incentives is something they have to sort out on their own. I’d think for many of the people who we write to in prison, or befriend, or more, their worst enemies are very often themselves.

Now at the same time, I think that prison as society’s vehicle for incentivizing good or acceptable behaviors is a freakin’ train wreck, or at least it is here in the U.S. I think that positive outside influences, such as yourself and his mom in this case, and maybe the rest of us for our own pals/buds/etc. in other cases, can help to get things back on track. But we’re not driving the train. Individual change can only come from within, right? How’s that saying go? You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. Or in the words of one of my buds, “Yeah, but you can drown him.” (note: this is not recommended – I think horses are awesome)

Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture

@ST4s, You're totally right and thanks for the advice. He already knows I'm a little disappointed in his behavior as of late. I'm really trying to give him all the guidance I can without turning into his parent. It's so difficult to walk that thin line. There has to be some change on his part though. Surely now his parole is in jeopardy. I doubt they take drug charges lightly in prison. It will be difficult to convince the parole board that he is finally a changed man when they're finding drug paraphernalia in his cell. This little setback of his could result in two more years in prison for him. It just breaks my heart. He's a good man...a GREAT man, but he never had the support and the positive influences in his life to be able to realize his potential. I'm not going to cause a ruckus over this but I am going to be firm and let him know in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable to me. I love and care about him too much to watch him spend his life in that jail cell.

ST4s
ST4s's picture

I should have added something on the subject of addiction – which might be a whole ‘nother layer here. While I’m no expert on this whatsoever, I’d say my bud certainly is. Was his marriage falling apart, his spiral into homelessness, and the revolving door to prison a failure of willpower on his part? His choice? I doubt it. Who on earth would make such choices?

Through his first-person accounts, I’ve learned volumes, the things it makes one do, how hard it is to quit, and I’ve come to agree with the experts that addiction is not so much a failure of willpower. It’s a disease. And sure, it takes willpower to battle it, but it also takes support. Maybe that support is institutional, the programs offered in prison, but according to my bud, that and willpower alone were never enough. What he needed was outside support as well (and in my humble opinion, medication assisted therapy for opiate addiction would be/have been great in prison too, but that’s a whole ‘nother subject).

I guess what I’m trying to say is I think that outside support is or can be you. And if it feels like 110% vs 70%, don’t necessarily conclude that it’s a failure of willpower on his part. As my bud put it, “Addiction is a m…..f…er.” Now, I never hit my bud with ultimatums over this. I just tried my best to understand what it was like, walking in his shoes. I’ve never thought less of him for battling what he told me was the hardest thing in the world. Instead, I give him all the credit in the world.

Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture

@ST4s, I do understand addiction and if that was an issue in my situation, I'd be much more sympathetic. The drug paraphernalia they found in his cell was not related to any drug he could be addicted to. He did have an addiction in the past and I'm aware of how difficult it is to break that cycle. His situation is more that he just enjoys the hustling life. It's all he's ever known. It's what has made him feel important for most of his life. And if you're involved in that lifestyle, drugs are just a natural part of it. I'm trying to provide all the support I can. I honestly can't see how it would be humanly possible for me to do more, under the circumstances. His friend on the inside is supposed to call me soon and explain some of this recent incident to me, so hopefully I will have more information before too much longer. 

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

I just have one question that comes to my mind and that I'd ask (though, being his partner and therefore emotionally involved you might not be the person to pose it) and that is

WHAT (in his NOW, not in his past or any possible future scenario) is so important to him that he puts that much at stake? 

I'm sure there is something and whatever it may be, it's utterly important to him and it seems like he sees no other way to get it than doing a "favor" (storing these things) for someone else. What does he GAIN/ACHIEVE/GET by acting like that? Loyalty? Belonging? Were there (in his former dorm) other ways to get this (from other ppl he was with then?) Is he in some way a "ppl pleaser" ? Some ppl tend to do A LOT to be well received in groups?

Or it might be a deep rooted belief. Sometimes ppl have pretty negative beliefs on themselves and (often subconsciously) do a lot of selfsabotage to confirm them.

Like "I'm a screw-up anyway" - if someone believes it, s/he'll gonna try a lot to prove it being right.

Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture

@Kirsten, I don't know the answer to that question but I'm sure as hell going to find out. My opinion at the moment is that he likes being the big shot. He's very sociable and likes the fact that 'even the gang members in here know not to mess with me'. He did admit to me (during his one phone call he got when entering the hole) that he had stopped taking his meds for a while and that he thinks this had something to do with his recent behavior. I knew he has stopped taking them but he previously insisted that he felt better without them so I didn't push the issue. You make a very good point though. I do want to know what was so important to him...apparently more important than me or his freedom. Even if I find out he's been using again...it's not going to stop me from loving him and supporting him. In fact, that would at least make sense to me. Ok a side note, he does always think he's clever and I believe that he never thinks he will get caught doing any of these things. Hopefully now he realizes that he it's not as easy to get away with stuff in jail as he thought. 

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

Depending on what meds we're talking about (don't have to tell) it might make a lot of a difference.

The rest you mentioned "the they don't get me anyway", that's what one of my penpals called "invincibility complex" (his term, not mine). I might ask him what it takes to overcome it, I'm pretty sure he'll have some thoughts on it.

"

Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture

@Kirsten, Yes I am very curious as to why he seems to have this complex. I even wondered about it before this recent incident. He has been in and out of prison enough times to know that his actions always lead right back to getting caught and thrown back in jail...yet he keeps repeating his behavior over and over again. Even as recently as when I first met him, he would make allusions to little 'schemes' we could run when he gets out. He played them off as 'I was only joking' when I expressed my dissatisfaction. But I know him pretty well and I don't believe they were all just jokes. 
 

Thank you Kirsten and ST4s for commenting on my post. It's been a very difficult week and there not really anyone I can talk to. I have friends but they don't understand. Their advice would be 'Just stop talking to this dude, he's only trouble for you'. I do have a close relationship with his mother and she and I are of the same mindset about the situation...BUT the last thing I want to do is make his mother worry. Plus there are some things about him that I wouldn't feel comfortable getting into with his mother. Anyway, your support and advice mean more to me than you could know.

 

VioletGrey
VioletGrey's picture

ST4s & Kirsten pretty much covered most of the points. With some more light shed on patterns of behaviour I can see why you might worry. 
You said:

"I just feel a little hurt by his actions. I look at it like this -- if I was ever in prison, separated from my family and my kids, denied any kind of freedom, I'd be doing everything I could to make sure I got released ASAP. Especially if I had a great guy waiting for me on the outside.​" 

My involvement with my PP is rather complicated but at one point, for a couple of years, we were a couple. I first wrote to him when I was 26, and like you, was not expecting to have a romantic relationship with an inmate. I had pen pals before that had lasted several years and it was one of those things I didn't think possible for myself. Anyway, I went away to a friends wedding, in Bali, and booked some time to stay for a holdup after the wedding. I had no plans for my trip, just the wedding and then 3 weeks to do whatever. I was one of only 3 single guests - the rest were couples. I ended up travelling with the other two singles, and a third who's partner didn't come to the wedding. Me and three guys. I ended up getting drunk and kissing one of the singles. And felt sick to my stomach about it since me and my PP had spoken only 3 nights earlier and things were turning to shit for him. And I had reassured him and told him I would be there for him. And then I hooked up with someone else. Long story short, I ran away and totally ghosted him. What a shit thing to do. It was in no way what I should have done and I still feel guilty about what a poor deciosion I made. Fast forward to the end of last year, (after I had been in a relationship with the Bali hook up for two years, become pregnant and split up from Bali hook up, who's now my baby daddy) and I reached out to my PP to apologise. I wrote two apology letters, because mail was moving so slow that I didn't receive his reply till nearly 3 months after I had mailed the first letter. Then for about 3 letters in the back and forth I wrote it all out so it wasn't unknown anymore. Every gory detail. We're still talking so he's forgiven me (to an extent) but a lot of my letters were me trying to put into words how I was feeling at the time, all the things I didn't say I was feeling at the time and how none of my actions had anything to do with him. That's my main point of all this preamble  - sometimes we confuse proximity to someone as being a reason why that person does a certain thing. My running away, my cowardly way out of not explaining what had happened with Bali guy because I feared causing my PP more pain. After all he'd called and told me all this terrible news and I had gone off and gotten rotten drunk in a tropical country and ended up kissing a stranger. But the way I dealt with that, the things I tried to protect my PP from, that was all about me and nothing to do with him. It's cliché but its 100% true. I wouldn't say your boyfriend isn't putting in the same amount of effort to your relationship as you based off this one incident. I wouldn't say that your boyfriend is thinking through all the little consequences of his actions like you might be. A lot of guys in prison has impulse control issues, where they seemingly can't stop themselves from acting on impulse. I also know from having a partner in prison, that hustles are a thing you can't get around really, unless there's family that are flush enough to support them during their sentence. My PP had confessed to gambling and debt collecting, as side hustles to his main hustle/ source of income - tattooing and drawing cards/portraits for people. He wasn't exactly scraping by either. He could have lived comfortably off just his art, but he choose to do the more dangerous stuff too. I expressed I was disappointed that he would take unnecessary risks like that and that I thought it would be a good idea to just focus on his art instead. But I added that if he was still going to do the others, that he be as safe and sensible about it as he possibly could. I added that last part because I really can't imagine what prison is like. We can sit here and dream up things in our head, but that's for a few moments of our day, before returning to our regular lives. Even if you thought about it for a few hours, it's still nothing compared to living in prison 24/7 for years and years. We don't know the ins and outs. There's a lot that you can't really talk about, or shouldn't talk about on the phone when others are listening, or in letters in case we say something in our reply that gives it away. There's lot that just gets put down to prison life, and to them is not worth mentioning to us. To keep themselves safe and to keep us safe too. 
My main point of all this though, is you shouldn't see your boyfriends actions as a reflection of what you mean to him. But as just that, actions that are a reflection of his own behavioural patterns and most likely have nothing to do with you as a person. My other point is, unless you've been to prison, you don't know what it is actually like to live prison life day in and day out and what kind of stresses that puts on you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Sure we can think we would do things differently, by the letter, play by the rules, but there are two sets of rules (prison rules and convict rules) and each of them have consequences. They're the ones who have to choose which set of consequences they have to deal with, on top of daily prison life of having to be aware 24/7. There are ways to express your feelings without giving lectures or coining off like an authoritative voice in the relationship, because let's face it, it's easy for us as the ones on the outside to frown upon what they are doing. 

 

 

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

As a side note: Violet, I just LOVED that post! Love your honesty about yourself! :-)

@Ramalotti: I'll ask him. But it might take a few days to get a reply, he just lost a cousin in a car accident this week and ... has other stuff on his mind now to deal with at first.

But being the guy he is, I'm 100% confident he'll give me an answer on it, I just don't know when. I'll get back to you when I got it.

Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture

@VioletGrey, Yes he does have an impulse control issue and I've seen evidence of this long before he went into prison. But I keep thinking that if he can t get this under control now, when his freedom and his life are depending on it, what chance does he have to control his impulses when he finally gets released? I don't plan on taking an authoritative stance with him. But I don't feel like I should just shrug this off either. He could have just gotten his parole deferred with this latest incident. I was hoping the parole board would see how much he has changed for the better since he started talking to me (and according to his mother, it's been a total attitude change on his part). Now when they review his file, they're going to see him doing the same stuff he always did in there. He knows I'm out here being celibate and trying to squirrel away money to send to him for canteen and spending my nights alone. He knows he has two kids, the youngest he barely knows because of his time in prison, growing up without a father. He knows he has a mom who is getting older and misses him terribly. I just don't see how he doesn't take into account the fact that he may have just prolonged everyone's suffering for two more years. 
 

I know he feels very badly about what happened. He has told me as much, plus I just know him. He admitted that he was hanging out with the wrong people and losing sight of his priorities. But what do I do if he gets out of the hole and this happens again in one or two months' time? I can't keep shrugging and saying 'It's ok'. I feel like he needs real guidance. I feel like my hands-off attitude for the past eight months...my 'anything you do is ok by me because I love you no matter what'...has enabled him to do stuff like this. I am just finishing up a weeklong vacation from work and it's been an awful vacation because I haven't gotten to talk to him and because I've been so worried about what's going to happen to him now and in the future. 
 

And I told him I'd wait for him until he gets out, I waant abandoning him for any reason...and I meant that and I still do. I'm afraid if he keeps doing stuff like this that prolong his sentence, there will be a point where I will slowly start giving up on him. I'd never leave him but at what point am I gonna be like 'I guess I can go out on a date. He's gonna be in there for four more years. He could have gotten out this year but he got caught doing shit all those times. Oh look he's in the hole again. I'm not gonna spend my holiday worrying about him in there...again. I'm just gonna try to not think about him as much. I can't put my life on hold forever and if he really wanted to, he could be out here with me by now'. Don't get me wrong, that is NOT how I'm feeling. But I know very well it's a possibility if things continue the way they are. I don't want to lose faith in him. I don't want to have to choose between a lonely, anxiety-filled like with him or a life without him. I don't want to have to force myself to care a little less about him, just so I can get through the day/week/month. And I'm afraid that unless he really tries to change, that's where things are headed. I don't want to see this recent behavior as a potential pattern  for him but his whole life has been a pattern of doing the same things: getting into trouble, saying he's going to change and it will be different this time, and then going right back to making mistakes that get him into trouble. I guess I just wanted to know he was really trying to break the pattern. Instead I'm afraid that I may be slowly becoming another victim of the pattern, like so many people in his life who have written him off because all they see is an inmate who isn't ever truly going to turn his life around. I guess I just got a little taste of how those other people must have felt and I don't like it. It scares me. I don't want to feel this way. 
 

 

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

Ramalotti: Impulse control problems are not that easy to stop, but there are ways, cognitive ones as well as action based or action-cycles interruption based ones. Yet, as you said, it would require some guidance, or, even better some cbt-based programmes. I know that a few (very few, but they exist) re-entry programmes are working with these concepts, but I neither know where you bf is at nor whether such a programme is available to him or not.

I'm NOT talking about simple anger management courses, that doesn't go deeply enough. You might also, for him as well as for yourself, be interested in a book: Houses of Healing by Robin Casarjian. If interested, better order it directly from the publisher, it's cheaper (and inmates get it for 10 $). It's available in both English and Spanish, should be doable for anyone having at least 6th grade literacy skills. It's a work book and if you work the exercises, the exercises will work for you. I've not written that book (wish I could write that way), nor do I get any $ from recommending it. I've just seen it help ppl making changes who worked with it and I use some of this even for myself, because I like easily applicable stuff that works. Using the book also, I have a copy here (which I'd never lend away for fear of never getting back) and I work regularly with it. So, if there were questions that arose, I hope I could assist also. And if you're into selfhelp and would wish to assist a loved one who is incarcerated -it's not forbidden to read it together and discuss what emerges from it. ;-) Can be pretty fruitful talks - and you'll see and feel a change. Promised. If you work that book, that book will work you.

     

ST4s
ST4s's picture

+3 to Kirsten's book recommendation. I've sent it to two of my buds so far and to rave reviews, plus I got a copy for myself to read along. You can order it directly from the Lionheart Foundation. (I have no connection to the author, publisher, or Lionheart either.)

VioletGrey
VioletGrey's picture

Real quick, last little bit of commentary to add to this - I haven't read the book or know anyone that has but worth a shot right? You can always try and see how he feels about it anyway. 
My last bit of commentary about this Roma is that I'm not telling you to turn a blind eye to this behaviour, not by any stretch of the imagination. I would expect you to bring it up in a way that offers an open line of communication with your boyfriend and doesn't immediately place blame or judgement on your boyfriend. Kirsten helped me once with some advice about "I feel" statements which was I found helpful. Aside from not just ignoring the behaviour, try not to take it personally. Like he's not doing these things with you and his loving mother in mind, he's reacting on an impulse where the thought process, if there is one, is surely just thinking of himself first. From the sounds of things I don't think he would weigh up all the things you said above (your commitment and his relationship with his mother etc.)  and still break the rules in spite of carefully considering how that would make you and his mother feel. Maybe I didn't word it well enough, but my point was that sometimes we just can't comprehend how it's actually like for our PPs or loved ones to live their life in prison, and we shouldn't be so quick to judge their actions, or condemn a decision mostly likely made out of impulse or perhaps even fear. 
And lastly, I would go as far to say you've given the whole topic some thought and gone pretty in detail to some specific scenarios. Which I would avoid doing. By saying things like if he can't control himself in prison, how can you expect him to control himself enough to stay out of prison really isn't giving attention to the problem at hand, but rather thinking 10 steps down the track at a problem that is imaginary. This is the first post about him slipping up so far, and I would think differently if you'd posted two or more similar posts prior to this one, which would show evidence of a pattern, but since this is the first one, I would suggest to treat it as such. And try get to the underlying reason about why he would do or be near people not following the rules, so as to stop it from happening again. Anxiety is our minds living in the future which hasn't happened yet, usually a painful future in which that pain is very real in the present as you are imaging it. But those things aren't real, and you (collective you) do yourself a disfavour by believing those imaginary things created in your own mind. 
Try to stay present and deal with what is actually happening and not what you think might happen and how you might react to those things that might happen. Because of course, they might not happen. 
 

Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture

Thanks for the advice on the book. I feel like I shouldn really check it out after your glowing endorsements. And @VioletGrey, I already wrote him a six page letter and about one and a half pages are discussing the incident and what he and I can do to gone him the best future possible. I know I said some things on here that sounded a little harsh but I would never be so blunt with him unless I felt it was absolutely necessary. I'm a writer for a popular entertainment website so writing is kind of 'my thing' haha. I made sure that I said what I needed to say in the most positive way I could. 

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

Sometimes openness is the best policy, though it may sound harsh at first. And to me you didn't sound harsh, you sounded afraid (of losing your faith in keeping that relationship going) and determined (to let exactly this not happen).

 

jupiter.marrs
jupiter.marrs's picture

My responce is going to sound harsh, but it's what I truly believe. Living in prison is a totally different lifestyle, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. Yeah, you gotta hustle a little while your in there, but you have to be smart enough to know where to draw the line. He's in prison, an enviorment that is almost completely controled. If he's still making the wrong decisions now, what's stopping him from making them again when he gets out and has complete freedom? You? He should be thinking about you right now before he makes a decision that he know's could jepordize him getting back home to you sooner. I think you should send him a letter expressing your self completely. This gives him a chance to really read and take in what your saying. That way when you do talk on the phone he's had a chance to really think about what he's going to say. When you talk on the phone do not let him down play your feelings. They are valid, and deserve to be acknowledged and understood. You are giving up so much of your own life to be with him, and it's okay to remind him of that. I hope this helped.

Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture

@jupiter.marrs, I understand what you're saying as well. I do think it will be a big difference when he is out here with me, though. He has coke a long way from when I first met him but at the end of the day, it's like he's living in an entirely different world with its own rules and environment. I feel like I can only help so much through letters and JPay emails and phone calls he makes to me when he is surrounded by other inmates and we get abruptly cut off after 15 minutes. As close as we are with each other, technically I really am just a 'pen pal' when all is said and done. He told me that him getting caught with that stuff was a 'total fluke'. I'm not saying that excuses what happened.
 

When he got sent to the hole one week ago, I went days without writing him. I was upset and didn't know how to feel. I dodnt know how to write a letter that wasn't totally admonishing him. So I just didn't send one. He called on Saturday and I got more information about what happened (I also had another inmate call me and attempt to con me out of money, trying to say he could get my bf out of the hole for $300 -- that whole incident really upset me). I could hear in his voice that he felt bad about what happened. He told me that he is in the hole for 30 days, so he will have a lot of time to think about what he did. After our phone call, I started writing him letters, in fact I'm writing him every day. The first letter was 6 pages, one page of which was talking about how he needs to think about getting out of there and make that a priority for himself, for me, and for his family. I will get a phone call from him again in four days. I will see what he has to say and where his head is at. Plus I will start receiving his letters soon and gauge his mindset from that too. It's difficult to talk to him about this stuff when I can only do it in letters...letters that are read by the prison. Likewise, it's hard to get into an in-depth conversation about this during our one weekly phone call. I miss him like crazy and I am not going to lecture him during the one short phone call he gets to make. 
 

I'm still on the fence about how to really handle this. It's been a very long, bad week and my emotions have been all over the place. If anything, I will wait until he's back in the general population to get into any heavy-handed discussion. More than anything else, I love him with all my heart and keeping his spirits up and letting him know that my love is not going anywhere is the most important thing to me right now. I think it's going to be very telling when he gets out of the hole. He knows very well that any further infractions would be the nail in the coffin for his parole. He has already suggested to take substance abuse classes in there. For now, I truly feel that I need to support him and see what he does next. 

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

@Ramalotti: Would you mind talking via email (or maybe even Zoom, if you happen to have it installed on your computer?). It'll be easier and I guess, we might be able to talk more openly then, as it is some pretty personal stuff. 

I might respond here just as well, but I feel like it might be better doing it in a more private way. If you want to, just get back to me at g e s p e n s t e r k n u d d e l n @ g m x .d e (minus the spaces, of course).

Kirsten 

Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture

@Kirsten, I sent you an email :)

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

Just seen. Will get back at you a little later. :-)