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Boyfriend is in the hole

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Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture
Boyfriend is in the hole

My boyfriend was falsely accused of something by a C.O. and was put in the hole this past Saturday. I know he didn't do what they said he did because he is smart and wouldn't risk getting into trouble over something so stupid. Plus he had 24 hours to sit there before getting his weekly phone call...24 hours to think of a lie to tell me, if he had really done what was said. So while I totally believe him, I am still very upset at the injustice of it all. 

It's sad that it's so easy for guards to abuse their power and do things like this. He told me that they were going to look at camera footage and investigate the matter. However he said this two days ago and I haven't heard from him since so I'm assuming they either didn't investigate or they are intent on upholding their decision to put him in there, regardless of any information they might have to the contrary. The longest they can keep him in there is 15 days. If he stays in for the entire 15 days, he won't be able to complete the class he has been working hard to finish. Plus I'm afraid that this whole incident will look bad on his record when it comes time for parole next year. He was told that since he has no prior history of committing the offense of which he was accused, his time in the hole should not be held against him in the long run where parole is concerned. Still, I'm just really worried about it all. 

On top of it all, I just miss him so much, it's not funny. It's been two days since I last heard his voice. We normally send JPays to each other all day long and talk on the phone at least once a day. This is by far the longest I've ever gone without communicating with him in some way. He already has a letter to me on its way and I have written him a letter every day since he went in. I wanted to give him something to look forward to every day while he's stuck in there. Still, I miss him like crazy and I can't stop thinking about this incident affecting his parole and wondering how he's doing and what he's thinking about and if he's eating ok and a million other things. I don't know what my point is to make this post. Maybe just to get some support from people who have been in a similar position? Or if someone has experience with parole and how write-ups can affect it? He went in the hole on Saturday and he told me the maximum time he could be in there was 15 days. I'm not sure when they start counting the 15 days but I'm imagining he won't be out until after the July 4 holiday, unless something changes. 
 

This prison spouse life really sucks sometimes. I feel like I lost my boyfriend AND my best friend. His messages always got me through my day. He's my rock and it's been really difficult since he went in. We are on Day 3...12 more to go...

 

 

 

VioletGrey
VioletGrey's picture

I get where you're coming from Roma, it's a difficult situation to be put in if it's no fault of your LO (loved one) or your own and to be on the outside just hearing about, without being able to do anything is really disheartening. I'm not sure if the knowledge that you're not alone in that is going to make you feel any less upset, but there are others in the same boat. When I met my PP he was in the SMU (special management unit) for the Feds which is like worse prison for the "bad boys" where they're stuck in a cell 23 hours a day with a cellie and have to earn their way up to privileges like phone calls and email. Something ridiculous like no phone calls, then 2 a month, then 4 a month. It's kinda like the hole but they're there for 9-18months. I don't have any information about parole or any of that, but I know you must be feeling a whole mixed bag of emotions about it all. Sometimes it can feel hard on us, but you're doing the best you can by being there and writing him and seeing if you can get any help by coming here so really he's lucky to have someone that cares about him and the things he's going through. 

ST4s
ST4s's picture

I’m sorry to hear that Roma :-(

If it makes you feel any better, two of my buds are in the hole over absolutely fabricated bullshit by COs with agendas. And they’re still there, many months later. One continues to refuse to kiss the right person’s ass, and the other was transferred to a max facility three states away, because the powers that be can get away with this. It sickens me how bad cops can pervert justice so easily and toy with peoples’ lives like that. Meanwhile, my respect for my buds has gone up a thousand-fold.

In what you outlined above, if there’s camera footage and an investigation, I hope y’all get some real justice!

Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture

@Violet and @ST4, thanks a lot for your support. I just hate not knowing what's going through his head. If I could just get one message a day or something, just so I know he's ok. I realize two weeks isn't a long time but for all I know, a CO could have it in for him and he could be in there for longer and I have no way of knowing until he calls on Sunday. I know I'm just being paranoid but it's hard feeling so disconnected from his life. And to think that this all started when I sent him a message on a lark after browsing profiles on this site. This whole relationship has been so much more difficult than I'd ever imagined but I wouldn't trade one second of it for all the money in the world. 

Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture

It's been five days since he went into the hole. I'm hoping I will her his letter today and that he will start getting mine. I figured it would help him a lot to know he can look forward to receiving a letter from me every day. This has been really difficult, wondering if he's ok or not. I thought it was rough before when he was just in regular prison...

VioletGrey
VioletGrey's picture

That's all you can do Roma, you're at the whim and mercy of the prison system. If you're solid your boyfriend will know you're out there trying to reach him, don't worry about that. Just try focus on the fact that it's temporary and it'll be over sooner than you think it will. And you're right regular prison is bad enough, and then the hole or ad seg is worse. 
I think we all go into the prison relationships not realising exactly all the challenges we will face, and come to find out that being the partner on the outside isn't as easy as it first seems to be. Hang in there :) 

Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture

@VioletGrey, you're totally right. I had no idea things woukd be this difficult. I always told him that I was prepared to suddenly not hear from him for a while if he ended up in the hole but I still wasn't ready for when it actually happened. In fact, I initially thought this whole relationship would be much more casual when it started. Even when I realized I had feelings for him, I thought I'd just write to him and talk to him on the phone while he is in there...meanwhile I'd still hook up with guys on the side sometimes (it seemed silly to be faithful to a guy I've never met, and he already told me it was ok if I did that, he just doesn't want to know about it and he doesn't want me to fall in love). Well I never met anyone on the side and now the idea of me doing so is ridiculous because I'm crazy in love with him and I literally do not want anyone in this world but him. 
 

I did get a letter from him yesterday!!! It totally made my day. And he will get to call me on Sunday so I am counting the hours until then. I'm still hoping they don't keep him in there the entire 15 days. It seems so excessive even if he really HAD done what he was accused of. It's the complete lack of information that is killing me -- How is he doing? How long will he be in? Does he have stamps to write letters? Ugh...9 more days.

VioletGrey
VioletGrey's picture

I'm really glad to hear you got a letter from him. That's something at least, and Sunday must be just two days away (it's tomorrow for me) so it's going by surely. It might feel like an age to you, but it probably feels like a lot longer for your boyfriend, especially if he's falsely accused. 
I get the feeling of not knowing, not to try "one up" you at all, but where my PP is at they've been on pretty strict lockdown with very limited access to phone, no email so snail mail only. It took 13 weeks for me to hear from my PP via snail mail. I still haven't got any letters from April, May or June. The last letter I got was from 29 March. He rang me in April 10, and I didn't get speak to him after than until last week. Sometimes prison just sucks beyond belief, and completely unpredictable things like the Coronavirus outbreak happen to make prison even worse, when you thought it was not possible to get any worse. That's one of the lessons I've learnt, prison can always get worse, no matter how bad you think it is at the time. 
Being a partner on the outside is a lot of "letting go" - letting go of ideals, of traditional structures of relationships, of physical touch (apart from visits if you're lucky enough to be in a position to visit), of being able to control the timeline of your relationship, of being able to control basically anything except yourself and how you react to situations. There's a constant letting go going on. Someone very wise recently (as of this year) wrote some really good advice for people in MWI relationships, something I wished I had seen or heard three years ago. That being a partner on the outside you had to go through a grieving. You had to grieve for what you'd thought you'd wanted and couldn't have, to grieve ideals that weren't going to serve you in being a partner to someone who was in prison for a long time. That simple bit of information would have helped me a great deal, since I was 27 (no kids and never been married) when I met my PP and fell in love and "had a whole life ahead of me" which I thought I was prepared to give up for my PP so we could be together.  But I didn't know how hard that would be and how isolating it was to be in love with an inmate when everyone of your family & friends were against the idea "because you can do better/deserve better/you're wasting your life/time, you're giving up a lot for someone you've never met etc." I didn't know how hard it would be to hear things about your partners situation and feel so helpless because there is nothing you can do but just listen. Ultimately, it taught me a lot. The hard way of course, but it taught me a lot about myself and patterns that aren't useful to me to be able to grow as a person. After 3 years of not talking (because I couldn't handle the pressures of being the outside partner to put it shortly) we're back talking again. We're not "together" per say, but like you, feel like he's the only one I would want to be with and though that could change in the future, I'm happy to sit with that for now, and not entertain the idea of a relationship on the outside. I have a huge amount of respect for all the MWI couples, specially of those with LWOP/DR partners. There is a degree of depth to those relationships that you only get to know about once it happens to you (or very similar, maybe not LWOP or DR but long sentences) and I think everyone focuses on the wrong parts of those relationships to make them blind to the parts that take very strong people to make them work. 
Always here (around probably) to talk to people that need to vent or talk about being a MWI couple. It's nice to have someone to share who's going through similar things. 
 

Romalotti6
Romalotti6's picture

@VioletGrey, thanks for the kind words. I didn't know about your situation until now. How long is your PP in for? About an hour after I posted that last message, I was standing in my kitchen when I suddenly broke down crying. And I NEVER do that. I didn't get a letter from him today. And while I realize that he doesn't have unlimited stamps and is surely trying to space out his letters to get through the next two weeks, I just felt so lost...knowing that I have no idea how he has been since Sunday night when he wrote the last letter. Picturing him alone in a tiny room with the minutes passing so slowly, not knowing if he is getting my letters or not, being afraid that I won't get that call on Sunday and then I'll lose it, thinking about our love story and how he really is the man I've searched for my whole life...it all just came crashing down for me. I thought I was done crying and then I started up again and couldn't stop. I think I feel well enough now, at least well enough to go to sleep soon and make some time pass. 
 

How long were you and your PP together befor you ended things? I can't imagine ever not being with my man. He'd be destroyed if I ever broke things off, and honestly I'd never want anyone else because no one has ever made me feel like he does and everyone else in the world would be a step down in my eyes.