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I'm falling in love?

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CarolCaniato
CarolCaniato's picture
I'm falling in love?

I came here to open my heart, because I really don't have anyone to talk to about it! Honestly no one would understand ....

I'm Brazilian!
I know the world because I traveled working and I visited the site 3 months ago. I felt alone and wanted to talk to different people.
I wrote to 3 people on this site and everyone responded. But one of them got my attention.

Honestly, it wasn't my attention. I just wanted to make new friends and I found the proposal on the site very interesting.

I sent a JPay and he sent me a letter (he is from Texas) and he can only respond by letters. I sent a letter after he answered me (which has not yet arrived) and I'm sure he has already answered me, but his letter has not yet arrived (it is taking about a month and a half to two months due to the pandemic). What happens? I think about him every day, and it was just a letter received so far! But everything about him makes me want to know more about him, everything about him makes me think of him ... how he writes, how he is (he is just beautiful) and how he thinks.

He's about to be released.
And he is beautiful ... And I wonder what I'm getting myself into, because obviously he has hundreds of correspondents. And I just got into his life.

But I feel something special for him and I don't understand ... I wasn't open to having romantic feelings for anyone, and he came and changed everything. How can I feel this way after just one letter ??? I feel like I'm in trouble ... NOTE: Sorry for the bad English ... I'm getting better.

Lady_TaTas
Lady_TaTas's picture

Carol.. Love won't obey our expectations. It's mystery is pure. I can certainly understand that feeling of unexpected love flourishing with reading mere words off a paper. 4 months ago I was in that same place trying to figure out how I could be feeling love with a man I only knew from letters and a phone call. I felt swept away, and full of feelings I hadn't felt in 5 years. I wasn't seeking love just friendship. But then I remembered that our forefathers were separated by wars, continents and yet love developed and flourished in some cases with nothing more than a letter. So, I let loose, allowed the flame in my heart to grow, and it is now a strong fire. Me and my boyfriend have had a few challenges, yet we are still together and forging ahead, building a strong relationship. Good luck!

CarolCaniato
CarolCaniato's picture

Yes you are right! And he is everything I said! But sometimes I feel so silly for feeling that way and not even knowing what he feels for me ... I'm afraid to show it and he stops talking to me ...
Tell me more about your story. It seems to be very inspiring !!! And his words warmed my heart ...

Lady_TaTas
Lady_TaTas's picture

Carol, Thanks so much for saying that.. Inspiration comes easy when its prompted by love. One thing I will admit about all this was I was a total skeptic to the whole idea of love with an inmate. This skepticsm was so ingrained that when I shared with my sister I was in love with an inmate, she was like WTF. Not necessarily cause he was an inmate, but that I was declaring myself in love and in a long distance relationship, something I never ever believed in before this. But over the last few days I reread our first few letters back and forth and it was something underlying right from the start. I can say today it felt like the beginnings of love, but I think back then it just seemed uncomfortable, not in a bad way, but in a way that seemed to have the exact combination to all the defenses I  had learned to put up many years ago.

Mike made me break every faux rule, I thought I would set right from the start. I said, I wouldn't talk on the phone with any PP for at least 6 months. I did with Mike within a month. There was something so respectful and calming in his letters that just disarmed me at every turn. Maybe it was because for the last 5 years I had nothing but bad luck with men and I was just starved for the attention, maybe he was a master manipulator, like so many posts we can read on this website or others, maybe, I just wasn't in my right mind. Or maybe yet, my prayers about a man who could love with his heart long before he reached for his fly had finally been answered, Although I must admit the Universe has a sense of humor cause that prayer had no hint of the man being locked up 2 1/2 hours away, but still I'm grateful.

But the truth is my life has been a novel in happening for a reason at the precise needed time. The short, I was abandoned and adopted by neighbors of my birth parents. White hippies in their 60's, childless and who for whatever the reason was drawn to me the thing youngest of 4, right from the minute we moved next door when I 8. And with Mike, his second letter two me declared, he was on a fixed income and wouldn't be writing me more than once a day cause he had a budget. I remember reading that message and was like.. Okay, we have a live one here.. LOL.. And no sooner than the 3rd message after that, he said, he couldn't get enough of my letters and  would shift some things around to make sure we could correspond regularly. I will admit I remind him quite often of that change of his plan.. LOL. But the letters kept coming and going and what I was feeling inside was growing rapidly, but I was so hesistant to call it love. Then one day on a call, Mike told me he loved me, I still recall laying on my bed thinking this guy is nuts.. love can't have grown this fast.. and then he said, and you are in love with me, I can feel it. I denied it, I will say it again, I denied it.. I told him that was Fake News.. I refused to believe it. Later that day I got an alert that I had a videogram. In it, Mike said, If you and I are going to be able to take this someplace you got to let ole Mike in and let down some more of them defenses. This man was basically scolding me.. but I have to admit, that scolding did something. On the one had, I was like, who does he think he is.. and yet, I kept playing it over and over and over again. The next day, he told me again I was in love with him.. and I denied it again.. How could I be, I hadn't met him in person, kissed him, held his hand, how could what I was feeling was love. I hung up so determined it wasn't. Then I watched that scolding  video again. And the tears that flowed from my face, the last time I cried this hard and intense was at my mom's funeral. But in those tears, all doubts were erased, and I knew I was in love with him. As I started typing a message to him, I could barely see from the tears, from my heart beating so fast.. it felt like I was going to pass out. But when he called a few hours later and I said it to him.. I love you.. this time there was no tears, but a feeling of relief and release. There was joy back in me where I wasn't sure it would ever be.. 

Shortly thereafter I sent in the forms to be added to Mike's visiting list. Which allowed us to have a vido visit. I was so nervous, but as soon as I logged in and saw him, in person via video, the nerves went away.. and all that remained was love and joy. That 15 minutes went by so fast, but there was no denying we were in love. There is no denying we are in love.. He gave me his heart, in letters, in emails, in phone calls, in videos, in gestures I never thought would be. And ladies take note, he's never asked me for a single thing. Not a dime..

Now the reality of being in a relationship with an inmate it's hard, but I think we both are committed to making sure the other always feels cared for and loved as much as the prison system and our means can accomplish. He sends a Jpay message every morning before he goes to work, and when he returns. We have a call every night at 7. We message back and forth throughout the evening. We send each other cards and physical letters so we have something to hold onto. Jpay messages are nice, but it's nothing like holding a physical thing, that someone you loved did also. But the biggest thing find interesting in this tale is, last New Year's Eve me and my best girlfriend said, 2020 was the year we would be in relationships. She found her guy in April.. I did in July and we are both still in those relationships.. The power of an open mind, heart and willingness to look for the good.. Good luck!

CarolCaniato
CarolCaniato's picture

Beautiful story !!! Your story is an inspiration! You seem stronger than me, because you still refused to believe what you felt even though he declared himself ... In my case, I am the one who has fallen. LOL
I wish you all the happiness in the world !!! When will he be released?
I read it several times, wondering if at some point I will have the courage to let it out. As I said, he has no idea that I like him, and in fact our communication is very difficult because I'm in Brazil and he in Texas, I just received a letter from him, but after that, I couldn't stop thinking about him, I saw several things about him before he was arrested (I searched the internet, as he told me to do), "I met" his family on Facebook (I didn't talk to anyone, but seeing his family made me see him as he is) really) and his words are decorated in my head so many times that I read that letter! He cannot send JPays (but he can receive and I send one a week) he can only send letters. I even wanted to know if you could help me ... Receive a letter from me and photograph the answer ... Because I have some questions to ask that I need to know the answer quickly, but I'm still waiting for his letter from 50 days ago arrive ... If you can, I will thank you forever! Hahahahaha
I just need your contact to arrange this right! I've been very anxious without knowing about him! I was not thinking about it when I wrote here on the topic, in fact this idea came to me now, and it seems the best option for me to receive some "quick" news. Today I had a horrible day, so anxious because with PANDEMIA the post office is very slow here ...

CarolCaniato
CarolCaniato's picture

Beautiful story !!! Your story is an inspiration! You seem stronger than me, because you still refused to believe what you felt even though he declared himself ... In my case, I am the one who has fallen. LOL
I wish you all the happiness in the world !!! When will he be released?
I read it several times, wondering if at some point I will have the courage to let it out. As I said, he has no idea that I like him, and in fact our communication is very difficult because I'm in Brazil and he in Texas, I just received a letter from him, but after that, I couldn't stop thinking about him, I saw several things about him before he was arrested (I searched the internet, as he told me to do), "I met" his family on Facebook (I didn't talk to anyone, but seeing his family made me see him as he is) really) and his words are decorated in my head so many times that I read that letter! He cannot send JPays (but he can receive and I send one a week) he can only send letters. I even wanted to know if you could help me ... Receive a letter from me and photograph the answer ... Because I have some questions to ask that I need to know the answer quickly, but I'm still waiting for his letter from 50 days ago arrive ... If you can, I will thank you forever! Hahahahaha
I just need your contact to arrange this right! I've been very anxious without knowing about him! I was not thinking about it when I wrote here on the topic, in fact this idea came to me now, and it seems the best option for me to receive some "quick" news. Today I had a horrible day, so anxious because with PANDEMIA the post office is very slow here ...

mjuran
mjuran's picture

You could sign up for an account with Jmail.cc, which would allow you to receive letters from your pen pal in a much shorter time (about a week, at the moment).  With Jmail someone can send snail mail to your Jmail post office box (a domestic US address you get when you sign up for the service) and when it's received by Jmail they will upload a scan of the letter to your account online.  You can also send snail mail to any prison address in the US.  There is a fee for everything, of course, but it's cheaper for the inmate to send a domestic letter than an international one, too.

As far as your predicament starting to fall for someone you've only received one letter from so far, to  me it seems a matter of following the Zen Master's advice:

In the village, a 14 year old boy was given an extravagant birthday gift of a horse by his parents.  All the villagers were scandalized, and said the boy would grow up spoiled!  The Zen Master said "Just wait."

A couple of years later, the boy fell from his horse and broke his leg badly.  The villagers were aghast, and said he would be crippled for life and die a beggar.  The Zen Master said "Just wait."

A couple of years later war broke out and all the young men of the village were conscripted to go fight in the battle.  Only the boy, now lame from the horse fall, was excused from service for his disability.  All the villagers were incredulous at his luck at having  escaped certain death.  The Zen Master said, "Just wait."

 

CarolCaniato
CarolCaniato's picture

Your idea was perfect !!!! I have already created my account and already subscribed to the mailbox. Thank you so much ... I didn't know about that possibility !!! Helped me a lot. ❤️

Chiaretta
Chiaretta's picture

Hi Carol, I did as mjuran suggested months ago. And I have a Pp in Texas, I write through Jpay and his letters (with regular postal mail) took up to 3-4 weeks to reach me. With the Jmail-box, I get his letters in a week... if you are impatient as I am, it's awesome... and cheaper for him, which is a bonus! 

Hope you'll receive one of his letters soon! :)