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Claire1992

A married friend of mine (she's been married ten years and they've got three kids) started a penpal relationship with a guy in prison on the west coast. My friend (I'll call her Heidi) showed me their emails, while asking me to not tell her husband (Matt), and their emails are definitely more than just friends. They tell each other they love each other and there's a lot of detailed sexual talk  ...she told me because she "just had to tell somebody" because she was so excited about the new guy but doesn't feel she can talk about it with too many people because she's still married to and living with her husband. To be clear Matt has no idea about her penpal (Shane) and believes they're happily married. Alternatively, Shane believes Heidi and Matt are divorced and for some reason Heidi only told Shane about her two daughters but not her sons; she definitely has four kids, not two. I asked her why she would write to the penpal behind her husband's back and why lie to her penpal/boyfriend about her husband and family. Doesn't seem fair especially since I read that Shane recently had his sister overnight her $900 of his money for a "surgery" she definitely is not getting, never needed - a total lie. She turned red when I asked but didn't really answer and changed the subject. 
 

Maybe I'm being judgmental about Heidi but I don't think lying is cool, not to her husband and not to a guy who has limited ability to find out if his new girlfriend is lying or not. Heidi is 28, married and has four kids under the age of 12 ....Heidi told me Shane plans to move in with her and her "two kids" once he gets out about two years from now. The problem with that I see is Heidi has no plans to divorce  Matt. I've got no plans to blow this up for anyone (not a narc) and yah I know people everywhere lie all the time. I don't know exactly how prison works but it seems not right for this guy to think he's got a place to go after he's done there. But maybe I'm just naive and this is just normal prison penpal stuff? Do inmates get scammed by people who find them on prison penpal sites? 

 

 
VioletGrey

Definitely not "normal pen pal stuff" as far as I'm concerned either. 
I think one of the things that draws people into becoming a pen pal, is through writing alone you can "create" the person you feel you are the most, or you can go a step further and create a whole new persona. One where you have two kids instead of four, and you are single and can send flirtatious messages. For me and my pen pals, I am the most truest form of myself in those relationships because the face to face element is taken away, I feel as if I can be more vunerable with my true thoughts and feelings. I don't do this with my friends in my life because they've already formed opinions and put me in mental boxes. Maybe it's easier if I just used percentages for example - with my friend Anna, I'm 60%, with my friend Emma I'm 75% and with my pen pals it's closer to 90%.

Your friend Heidi sounds like she could be having trouble being who she is in her real life with her husband Matt and their four kids. Lying about it and involving Shane was probably not the way to deal with it healthily. Though contrary to what the above poster said, by being told about it, you're not part of it, as it is not your problem.  It's the problem of your friend Heidi. However, our own sets of morals kick in, which is why you've turned here to ask what to do about it. If it were me, I'd try find out a way to contact Shane - presumably you know his real name, both first and last? You can very easily search for his prison with the first and last name - for Federal prisoners type "Federal inmates by name" and it'll come up. If he's not in the Feds, then his name and State will help you find out the address of the prison he's at. If it was me, I'd find out and send him a letter. Maybe not just dragging her from start to finish, and maybe leaving out all the judgey bits -something like: 

Hi my name is Claire, and I'm a friend of Heidis. I'm writing to tell you that there are some major things that Heidi has left out in your correspondence and I don't think it's fair on you to not know the truth." 
 

Then Heidi can deal with that silently too, since that's how she's wanting to play things, behind people's backs. I personally wouldn't get involved in Heidi and Matt's relationship, they have kids together, and live together and are a bit more serious and complicated, and it's not your place to put Heidi, even if what she's doing doesn't seem right to you. Perhaps she is struggling in her marriage, and the pen pal thing with Shane is a cry for attention, or a distraction from real life, or a way for her to escape her life and be someone else for a while. I certainly understand the need to be your own person when you're a mother, and often there is so little time to be a woman with kids, as opposed to being a mum all the time. I tend to not talk about my daughter as much in my pen pal relationships, because I have people in my real life that want to talk about my daughter all the time already or only ask questions about my life as a mum, so it's nice to focus on me and myself sometimes. So I get that. The bit about only having two kids instead of four, well, I wouldn't do that. But if it's part of the fantasy persona she's created while talking to Shane then it's not as horrifying as some on here have made it out to be. Perhaps you should ask Heidi about why she would lie about this stuff and why she's entertaining romantic notions with Shane at all? Check in with her before you intervene and tell Shane what's going on. 
Whatever you do, I wish you and yours friend the best. And for Shane to know the real deal because it's very unfair on him. 

 
Taurus_ISTJ

And to help your friend conceal this (because I think you have to understand, your inaction is and will be exactly that) is you co-signing your friend's actions and saying okay, 'this is okay.' Out of her own guilt, your friend has made you part of her deception and therefore a participant in it, because you were/are witness to it. The burden likely doesn't feel so heavy on her now, because she was able to put some of it off onto you by telling you, and now you both can/will carry it. But be that as it may, it seems you (both) do feel the weight of the wrongness of it, and are trying to get unburdened of it, but in the wrong ways... Your friend by coming to you, you by coming to this forum. 

You don't have to provide us an update of course, but respectfully, I truly hope you will and have considered doing something since posting this. You have a choice to be better than your friend. Will you make it?

 
Jeanne555

This is definitely not a normal penpal relationship, not even close! Penpal relationship is supposed to be based on trust and honesty from both sides. Your friend needs a wake up call that she is manipulating people and this is not right!
If I were you I would find a way to let Shane know of what is happening. He is hoping to be released and live with your friend but that's impossible. This situation can really screw him over and mess with his head! He is the vulnerable one in this situation and needs your help!

 
Taurus_ISTJ

[Quote]Alternatively, Shane believes Heidi and Matt are divorced and for some reason Heidi only told Shane about her two daughters but not her sons[/Quote]

This is the strangest part of all of this for me. And personally, I would check the sex offender registry for Shane or look into his crimes if you haven't already, because this just seems... really off. Why tell an adult man in prison only about your daughters (under 12) and not your sons? It smells foul and I question your friend's intentions for her daughters. 

But aside from that, to sit on something this huge (because you don't narc, you say), I do not quite understand... At all, really. Your friend has robbed a vulnerable person of nearly a grand of their money and is taking advantage of their vulnerable position to further manipulate them. I would encourage you to let the inmate know at least, because it's like you say here. The inmate has no way of knowing or of protecting himself. And he is being taken advantage of.

Reading this, of course you are not being judgmental. Why dismiss your intuition? Anyone would feel the way you feel right now (this story is all kinds of foul), I certainly would. And just me, but I certainly wouldn't keep a friend like that too close in/to my circle. Wouldn't and couldn't. If they're willing to do that to their husband of 10 years, their own children, and Shane, I'd wonder what keeps me safe from it. The way I'd see it, personally, is if they're willing to do it to others, I'd bet they're willing to do it to me. But again, this is me.

[Quote]Do inmates get scammed by people who find them on prison penpal sites?[/Quote]

All the time. Contrary to popular belief even, I would argue that they are a littttttle more vulnerable to it than we on this side tend to be, due to their circumstances. And what I have noticed with my own prison penpals is that they're so quick (too quick IMO) to give money over, simply because they have no where else to put it (there is no checking account, savings, to put their money away in) and keeping it in there isn't always their smartest or even safest option. So because they are often desperate and have no other options, they don't spend a lot of time thinking about whether people can really be trusted it seems (and one of my PPs has been burned for this quite a few times, though still hasn't seemed to learn from it). At least this is what I have noticed, with mine—a kind of naivety.

 
Lady_TaTas

All this proves is, the people on the outside can be as manipulative and cunning as those behind bars. Morals aren't universal for damn sure!!

 
ST4s

“Is this normal prison penpal stuff?” God, I hope not.

It’s too bad Jerry Springer’s in syndicated reruns now. Heidi and the men she’s lying to would probably spontaneously combust right there on stage – chairs flying, bouncers intervening, the whole bit. She'd be perfect! Or maybe Matt and Shane would just be total dudes about it, walk off the set, and leave Heidi to drown in a karmic pit of scorn, with millions of viewers overjoyed at her richly deserved demise.

Just a thought…

 
Claire1992

*edit Heidi has four kids not just three.